Memories

I broke down today.

I was at work and it was a pretty good day. No rush work, the environment was extra friendly. I even had a little time to myself at my desk.

I went on my website and thought ‘hmm what was I doing in July 3 years ago?’. Of course it had to do something with my mother. It was during one of her firsts surgeries for her breast cancer. I got emotional. I felt what I felt in those moments back then, I relived those days, and the I came back and felt the pain that is today that we no longer talk.

It is nice to have this site and look back to what once was. Some memories are worth reading over again and reliving the feelings. But others hurt. Maybe I wasn’t ready. Maybe I’m still wounded by everything that is happening and has happened.

But when is it ok to be over it? When is it ok to just say that your mother doesn’t accept you for you and move on with your life? Isn’t that sad? It sounds so sad to me.

Who The Hell Was That Guy?

Have you ever sat down and thought about your past? Maybe it’s random and you’re not really trying to think about it, but you think back to the person you were in the past. Like for example, the things you did and the people who you used to spend your time with. All the places you used to go with them or even the places you planned on going, but never actually did. All those crazy nights and all the drinking. I do, and I regret it.

 

I look back at part of my past and ask myself, who the hell was that guy? I swear I don’t know him. If anyone would tell me or remind me about the crazy stuff I did last year I wouldn’t believe them. And it was last year!

 

But why? In today’s society being loud and crazy is the new normal. Being outrageous and spontaneous is something that people expect from you. If you’re not, then you are considered weird or even antisocial. But I’m finished with that lifestyle.

 

The thing that scares me though, is that my past might come back and haunt me, or is startinng to. That’s why sometimes I wish I could close those tabs, erase the past off my life like pencil on paper, or delete the pictures I have and with that too some how delete those moments. But no matter how hard I try to forget the things I did and said, I still did them, I still said them, and they are out there. Some day they will arise and I will have to explain myself. I will have to find the correct words to describe what was going on inside my head.

 

At the end of last year I started a new life. A cleaner more honest life. I am happy, I like it and I want to continue in it. But sometimes its hard thinking back to when I was a different person. The things that I did and said back then I wouldn’t even think about them today.

 

But they haunt me. I guess the moral of the story is, make sure that the things you do now, aren’t things you will regret later. Or even the things that you say, those things get engraved in people’s hearts. And they will be quick to throw it back at your face. “Oh, but that one time you said,”  is what they’ll say. And what will you tell them?

 

The Truth.

Calm

Relax.

Breathe in and out. Feel the sand run through your toes. Feel the rays of the sun jump on your skin and gracefully caress your face. You hear the waves of the ocean splash against the shore. People laughing. Kids playing in the sand. And it’s calm. It’s all calm.

You remember what it’s like being a kid. You remember how you father helped you get up when you first fell off your bike. You remember your mom teaching you how to tie your shoes. You remember how much fun you had in school. How you couldn’t wait to go back. You remember how you never fought with your friends. And when you did, did you remember the next day? No.

You suddenly feel that feeling you felt when you were young on Sunday mornings. Waiting for a bright future. You remember those waffles that only your mom knew how to make. How your dad loved football and always had snacks on Sundays. You remember feeling warm every Christmas Eve. And you couldn’t wait for New Years to come around to finally stay up past your bed time.

The candy’s on halloween and valentines. Your first crush. Your first love. You breathe in and smell that first day of school smell. That first car you bought with your own money.

Everything is calm.

You run your hands through the oceans sands and remember how it felt to always have your blanket. How it protected you from the monsters and the ghouls. How it felt hugging your dad when he came home. How it felt holding your first loves hand. In the winter it was cold, and in the summer you would just high five.

You open your eyes. The ocean is blue and the sky is a piercing orange. The end of another day. Just to be soon the beginning of another. The water waves at you. You wave back, and everything is calm.


Yesterday I went to the beach. It was a small day-cation. I really needed it. And I had the time of my life.