As you can see in the picture, I got tattoos. For many, this is not a big deal, and yes I have had gotten some already, but these mean so much more to me.
I have always liked tattoos. Now in the era that we live in it is not uncommon to see people sporting tattoos on their body. The majority of millennial’s have tattoos now.
The first tattoo that I got on my body was on an area that no one see’s, under my shirt on my side shoulder. The next two I got on my arm. Since I was in a cult and this cult did not allow you to have these (tattoos) I always hid them. I even went to the extreme to try to remove them and I spent a lot of money doing so. But, I didn’t completely get rid of them. Which is a good part because I very much still love them. And I will definitely try to recover what I can from them.
Today, one of my friends reminded me that on every Friday the 13th tattoo shops have a special for tattoos. I was debating on weather I wanted to get any or not.
I told myself, no, this is my life (don’t you forget) and my body. You have always liked tattoos.
Getting these tattoos for me represents me finally taking decisions not being scared of what others will say, specially since they are placed in a very see-able place. It means that I have finally taken charge of my life and I am finally am doing what makes me happy and not what makes other people happy. I am finally living for myself and it makes me so happy.
I got a total of three. If I had more money I probably would have gotten way more. I saw some that I liked but I opted for the ones in the picture above. The third one is on my calf and is a Mario star (from Mario Nintendo).
Iabsolutely love them. They may be simple but the fact that they are spontaneous is what gives me a sense of enjoyment and is thrilling for me. I love where I put them and I think they are hella cute. I posted them online and the feedback I am getting is absolutely wonderful.
I am happy with these choices. I am happy right now, I really am.
What’s the opposite of writers block? I think I have that. I want to type until my fingers bleed. Maybe not as much but sort of like that. I have all these thoughts in my head I want to spit out onto the blank canvas on my screen. But, I wont. It would be too messy and honestly no one is down to listen to all that nonsense. Plus no one would understand it either way.
I was thinking though I would at least let one thought out into the world. One can’t do that much damage can it?
My phone has been through hell and back more than twice and ever since then when ever it vibrates it makes this crazy vibration sound that people think its a sex toy. I’m not kidding. The freaking thing can be heard in my pocket clearer than then the ring tone. It’s been an issue for a while. Anyone who has yet to hear it I have to explain to them that my phone has been through some serious things and that’s its way of screaming for attention, before they get the wrong impression of me.
To fix this issue I have resorted in using the Do Not Disturb function on my phone. Let me tell you something. This was function was made by the Leave Me The F*** Alone Gods. At first I did it because I was tired of hearing the buzzing sound that my phone made. But then, I was liberated. I was freed. I noticed that I wasn’t always reaching for my phone 24/7. I even stopped feeling my pocket thinking that my phone had gone off when in reality hadn’t, (you know what I’m talking about right? When you think your phone vibrates when in fact it hasn’t, its just your brain playing mind tricks on you).
It’s been over a week since I started doing this and I have to say that my life has gotten way much better. There are functions on this setting that will allow someone to get through this firewall, if there actually is an emergency. So there really isn’t any reason that I have for turning it back on.
When I need to text someone, I will. If they text me, now I will text them back the next time I pick up my phone, not when my phone is having a full on vibration seizure. Its actually really therapeutic. I highly recommend it, if you’re not that addicted to getting notifications, or you are one of those peoples that needs to know when they get a text or else they will have an asthma attack if they don’t reply within 5 seconds, if that’s the case, I think you got an issue to be honest.
It’s so easy to say. But it’s so hard to just say so with that being said I’m going to move on. Impossible, your heart wants what it wants even when it’s so wrong.
Let me elaborate.
Maybe about two months or so ago I downloaded an app called Whisper, it’s an application where you can post a picture with a quote on it. The quote can be anything you want it to be.
I mainly used the app for expression. Some assholes always just wanted to trade naked pics. It was such a drag. So then I wondered, what if there is some out there? Someone in my situation?
What did I do? I posted about what I was going through to see if anyone would see it. Someone did. It was shady at first because how can some be exactly like me? I felt alone in this world and now here there was a guy telling me he felt the same way.
We messaged each other for ever and once he sent me a picture of what he looked like I was hooked. Plus, him complimenting my looks was such a nice boost of self esteem for me. I don’t get that often and it’s nice when I do.
Talking and talking led to me asking him to move the convos over to a more personal way of communication for us millennials, Snapchat.
Once we started talking he said, “full disclosure, I’m married.”
My heart broke in two pieces. How could he have just done that to me? Make me believe that he liked me and I was warming up to him, and then drop a bomb like that? What about her? Yes her.
Turns out he’s “bisexual.” Now my brain is so confused. I found a guy who understands exactly what i am going through. And he really likes me. But the whole situation is insane.
What do I do? Do I just stop talking to him? Is he confused and just wants to use me to spend the time? He hasn’t been inappropriate. What are his intentions? I mean he did tell me straight up that he was married. Not straight straight up because he did wait some time but still.
Who do you call when you are at the end of your rope? What do you do when there is no one to call, because everyone is against you? Or so you feel that way.
Your best friend is supposed to be there for you through the good and the bad. Sometimes your best friend knows more about you than your own family does. Why? Because you tell them all your secrets. You tell them what you like, you even tell them what and who you hate.
They get to know you like the back of their hand. No, better, they get to know you sometimes better than they know themselves. You let them in your world and for a split second it’s bliss. It’s like a magical wonderland of infinite adventures. You want to spend every waking moment with them, you want to tell them everything.
But what happens when your at your lowest? When you need them? When your about to make the worst mistake of your life and they aren’t anywhere in sight?
What if they tell you that they want to be your friend, but they don’t want the responsibility of being there when you need them? Because they’re scared. Because they wouldn’t know what to do. Because it’s just too much for them to handle.
Maybe I’m too needy? Maybe I’m too pushy? But if I give you my heart and soul I expect that in return or else I become cold. I leave. I get distant. Don’t ask why. Don’t say goodbye. You knew this was going to happen. You saw it coming like reading from a book. But you won’t read the end because your to afraid of what I’ll do. Of what we will become. Of what we have become.