The Reality

The worst feeling in the world is when the person you love the most, the person you’ve known all your life, the person you thought would always love you unconditionally tells you that you are a disappointment. I can’t describe the hurt, the feelings, the thoughts that went through my head as this happened. It’s not something anyone asks for, its not something anyone wants or craves, and its not anything anyone should ever have to go through.

I know how religious my mother is, I know that she would give her life away for her church if they suddenly they said that the bible said somewhere that they had to die for God. I know all this. I know that one day I will lose her to them. I know that one day she will never speak to me any more. She will cut me out of her life completely. I know all this, but that doesn’t take any of the hurt that I feel inside away.

As we headed to the store I informed her that I would be going to Vegas with some friends this weekend. (Back story: My boyfriend is going to Las Vegas this weekend for a friends’ birthday party and wanted me to so he invited me to go along with him).

At first when I told my mom she took it rather well. She said that my life is my life and she has no control over it and I can do what ever I think is best, she said I should just be very careful. If she would have stopped there then maybe I wouldn’t have cried in the shower later in the day.

She continued with the whole God wants us to be pure and clean and saint thing. She said how disappointed she is that I have changed so much and how I was such a nice young man before (so I guess now I’m just as bad as a criminal). She said the life that I am choosing to live is not the right one. She told me that one day I will be judged for everything that I am doing and that I will be punished for it. I feel that she knows that I am gay or some thing because she even through out “you have to be careful with the homosexuals specially right now because they’re really ‘in‘ and you know how God feels about them”. She said something about drinking and tattoos too.

I kept a straight face. There was no point in trying to defend myself. She wont listen. She wont understand. The worst part was at the end when she said that if I were to sin against God that things between us would never be the same. I think that broke me the most. She was basically indirectly telling me that she was going to cut me out of her life if I were to “sin” in any way against God. Which, like I have said before, I know.

It’s a sad reality, but it is the reality.

I don’t want this to effect me. I am really doing well right now. In school, the new relationship that I am in, and then not to mention how much progress I have accomplished with my mental health. To any sane person, they would say I am doing more than well.

I’m going to brush this off and move along. What happens happens, I will be ok. Life will move on and I have to live mine and do what makes me happy. And going to Las Vegas with my boyfriend and his friends this weekend really hella makes me happy.

 

Empty.

What a fucking Monday.

I woke up feeling good today. I was going to conquer the world and make it mine. Nothing and no one was going to get in my way, and if they were, they had better watch out for I was not going to let them stop me.

Work was good, slow yes, and it dragged a little more that it should have but I still made it through. I had a date to go to after work and I was excited to say the least. This was going to be the fourth time I was going to see this guy that I am dating.

Back story: I just told my mom that I wasn’t going to go to church anymore and she took it better than I thought, yesterday. My ex texted me this morning, I’m assuming because she didn’t see me at church yesterday. I didn’t reply though.

Let me get into the date first. It was bad. I try to laugh at anything. I even laugh at things that I should probably not laugh at. I know who to laugh with though, that’s how I get through life. But this dude does not smile even when he passes gas. Like bro, try smiling a little, it will feel good! Other than that we did talk a lot. We disagree on everything for the most part. Just because that’s so doesn’t mean I’ll end it. I know that we wont last, but right now I don’t even know how to tell him that, or maybe its just the whole entire situation.

Anyways, I get home after what ever type of date that was and my mom wasn’t home. This took me by surprise and odd since her car was there and she usually tells me where shes at. 20 minutes later she shows up. She gets dropped off by a car that I know for a fact was my ex.

I see her walking up the drive way and I ask her where she was. All she says is that she was out with friends at stores. She didn’t want to say that she was with my ex but I saw her drive off. As she approaches the front door, I hug her. I say that I’m sorry. I don’t even know why I say it but I can see the hurt on her face. She had been crying.

She starts crying in my arms. You know the worst feeling in the world? Its not physical pain. Picture the person you love the most, the person you don’t even want to think about living without, the person that makes your life complete, the person who would give their own life to save yours and yours for them, the person who has always been there for you even when no one else was, picture that person. Now, picture them in your arms, crying, because of you. You did this to them. You hurt them so much that they cry in your arms for 30 minutes. Your shirt is now wet. They aren’t even producing any tears anymore because you drained them out of all of them. They’re finished, done. They cried all they could cry and now all they are is hurt. By you. You did this to them, you hurt them. How do you feel? Do you like that? How does that feel?

Don’t tell me how I should fucking feel, don’t.

I let her cry while I held her. It is the least I can do. Right? She needed to let it all out. And she did. I can still hear her sob in her room right at this moment when my music goes from song after song in between the pauses. I hate hearing her like this. I did that to her.

I told her that I want to make everyone happy but that hurts me, when I try to be happy I hurt everyone else and then that ends up hurting me too. She told me to pray. I’ll do it. If God is real, he will help me right? I have been taught one way and I feel it to be true but at the same time I don’t want it to be true. I have two sides here telling me that their way is the right way and I don’t know which one to chose.

How did I feel about all this? I felt so much pain. I have never felt so much pain in my entire life. Seeing my mom hurt like this, I don’t think anyone no matter how much I tell them, I love my mom, they will never understand. I’d rather feel her pain than have her feel it.

Now I don’t feel anything. At all. I’m like an empty glass bottle. Heavy, but very empty. There’s nothing inside, its all see through. I don’t like this feeling. I need to feel something. Because when I do, then I know what to do, but now, what do I do?

Crime Scene

I did it. I finally broke the chains and now I’m free. It feels so good, it feels like a sense of relief.

 

Yesterday, before I went out on my usual run at the park I decided that I would tell my mom what my plans were. What I told her wasn’t planned though. I was thinking of how I would let her know. At first I thought, maybe when she sees that I am not getting ready to go to church she would ask and I would just tell her. But, I love her. And I know her. I needed to give her time to digest this. I know it doesn’t sound like a big deal, but for me it was.

I put on my running shoes and after filling up my water bottle I looked at her and told her that I wanted to tell her something. I wanted to let her know so she could digest it, not understand it, but respect it. She asked me what was going on, as a concerned mother will always do. I remember feeling evil. Like I was doing something bad, almost murder. I was killing someone. I was killing myself, the person she thought she knew was dying right in front of her.

Her response was not the one I was expecting. She said if I think there is something better out there than the religion we are currently in then I should go look for it, but I wasn’t going to find it. She was calm. I was shaking. She also told me to read our magazines and our literature and that would help me see that this is in fact the one and only true religion. She started rambling and repeating herself, not screaming or yelling though, but I still just wanted to leave. I wanted to run away from the crime scene.

Through out the whole night while I was out running, she would send me articles published by Jehovah Witness. I appreciate how much she cares, she really does. She only wants the best for me and she thinks that she has found it in this religion. I don’t blame her and I didn’t tell her to stop, if this was going to help her feel better that was ok with me.

There was one final text that she sent that mad me cry after I’d been holding it in. Or maybe it was just the situation and everything else? She said, “you know I love you and I would never want to hurt you. If I did something that hurt you or offended you I’m sorry. I love you.”

My mom is a great person. I always hear stories of young people being total assholes to their parents just because they’re parents don’t agree with what they believe in. That doesn’t mean that they don’t love you still, they do and very much. They just don’t agree with what you believe and that’s ok, we don’t all have to be the same mechanical robots.

I told her that she has never hurt me, and that’s possibly the most accurate sentence I have ever spoken. I love my mom and I always will.

Today, I woke up and she didn’t attack me. She didn’t judge me. She didn’t even mention church. All she did was get ready. She asked my brother if he was going and he got ready and went. She went up to my bed when she saw I was awake and it was like I was five years old again. She sat on the corner of my bed and she talked to me. Like her son. Nothing really important, just random things about her chickens and one of her friends having a cat.

I couldn’t have asked for a better moment. It was nice. There still a little bit of doubt in me if I am honest. Am I actually doing the correct thing? What if she is right and this is the Truth? But at the same time I feel so great, free, liberated.

 

Why is that?

 

She Will

Its happening again.

 

Well, not technically yet but it is. Two weeks ago when my mom was getting her regular check up from her oncologist she found something that was not supposed to be normal. So these past few weeks ever since then we’ve been going back and forth to the hospital to get her checked out.

 

First was and ultrasound to see if there was actually something in there. And there was, or is. The doctor says that it mat just be scar tissue from the mastectomy and the reconstruction but she doesn’t want to just be guessing. She wants to be sure, and plus, it’s better to catch it sooner than later. Also, it will help us sleep at night knowing that everything is ok.

 

Then, just a couple of days ago she went through a biopsy to extract part of that tissue. They took two samples and my mom said it didn’t hurt like the first time they did it a couple of years ago. I can tell that my mom isn’t that worried but still this isn’t how a human should be living. Always getting check ups, always at the doctor. But still, through this all my mother is strong and she is brave and she is getting through this. And she will.

My Face Reflects Calmness And Peace

It is oficial. My mother’s reconstruction Breast surgery will be the 21st of this month. As happy I am for her I am also really scared.

We met with the surgeons and anesthesiologist who will be in the operating room the day of the surgery. They explained everything that they will be doing, the risks, and the benefits of the surgery.

Basically they will be taking part of the stomach tissue along with a vein or artery and be placing it where her breast was once at. To do so they have to remove a rib to get an artery connection.

This surgery will take about ten hours. If all goes well she will be in the hospital under intensive care for three to five days. Then she will be released and be in bed rest for about a month.

Some of the risks include; the artistes getting clogged up, a hernia, and losing too much blood causing death.

But we are optimistic. Well at least my mom is. I’m staying to say string for her but at the same time I’m screaming on the inside. I’m crying and throwing things around. My mind is one of the worst hurricanes in human history. But my face reflects calmes and peace.

She is strong. I am strong. I have never met anyone in my life as strong as my mother. Her faith moves me. Her strength makes me continue. Her live fuels me. She is one of the greatest people I’ve ever met. I hope to never forget that.