I’m Just Going To Be Me

I used to be the type of person that cared way too much about the simple insignificant things. If my friends wanted to do something I was not okay with, I would still allow them to have it their way. If a coworker wanted things to be done in a certain way I wouldn’t even question them, no matter how dumb their idea might have been. Upon meeting new people I always managed to win them over by simply agreeing to what they were saying even if it went against everything that I believed in.

Now that has changed.

But first, why did I feel the need to act this way? Why did I feel the need to please everyone? To make sure that there was nothing they could point out in me for them not to like me?

Since I was small I have always wanted to be accepted. I have always wanted to be liked. I mean who doesn’t? The feeling of rejection is one of the worst feelings a person can have, especially when it comes from someone or people we admire the most. So in my head I had to do and say everything that who ever I wanted to please would like. I think this is why I am so likable.

There were times where my roads would almost cross. Some might say that I was fake, and sure if that’s what you want to call it you can, but I mostly tried to be genuine but agreeing with everyone at the same time. It was a cruel game.

The thing is that you can’t agree with person A and person B because person A doesn’t agree or even like person B. That’s where it gets tricky, and since you want to please everyone what can you do? You have to chose a side. I hope this isn’t too confusing. This in the end also hurts me, I am not being my true authentic self. I’m just riding the wave of everyone else’s opinions. Which is not a happy way to live your life.

I decided a while ago that I would change that. I know that I hate when people are rude and mean. I also don’t want to come off as disrespectful. So how could I give my opinion or put myself first without hurting others? It’s impossible.

That was the first step. Accepting that I am not going to please everyone. People will get mad because of the way you think, or even because you can’t do the things they want you to do, or be there for them like a slave like you used to. Trust me they will notice, and they will tell you that you have changed for the worst. But you haven’t. you have changed for the better. You’re better, not theirs.

While this change in me has been happening (which will always be a work in progress) I have noticed that the people I once put on a golden throne and would die for hate it when they don’t get their way. They might even seemed shock that you are finally standing up to them. All these years that I have let them take control of the wheel and now that I finally say “that’s not what I want, that’s not what I  like” they seem to be offended.

I can understand their state of shock at first. All these years they think that it is ok to do the things that they do, to say the things that they say, or even treat me the way that they do just because there was no retaliation against them. So was I fake? Was I even a true friend? I will leave that up to them.

I wanted to be liked so much by so many people that I became a different person to all of them. That had to stop. I am no longer interested in pleasing anyone. Why should I when they have no interest in even being concerned as to ask if I am ok or not? I know that they do care for me, I’m not minimizing that.

I wont be rude, I wont be disrespectful, I’m just going to be Me.

 

I Don’t Have To Please Everyone

2019 is about to end and I want to talk about something that it has taught me.

Each year we grow as people, weather we like it or not. We can either grow into better versions of ourselves or we can grow into biter people who no one wants to be around.

I try to take something from every year. This year has taught me a lot. Not only about myself, but about others, and about all the people I interact with.

I don’t have to please everyone. Lets just put it that way. I don’t want to be a push over, I just want to be nice, with a limit. I deserve that.

Before this year, well most of this year and my entire life, I had the crazy mentality that I had to make everyone happy. I had to do this in order for them to like me. If I didn’t please them, make them happy, or did what they needed me to do, they weren’t going to like me. If I didn’t agree with every single thing that came out of their mouth they wouldn’t want to be my friend.

In doing so I became a slave to everyone. I was there for them and I left myself alone. I did favors and I went out of my way. I said things I didn’t even agree for being scared to be criticized.

But I have realized that there is no purpose in doing any of this. If people want to use you they will, if people want to call you only when they need you they will. The thing is will you let them?

In order for me to leave behind this fear that I had that I needed to be everyone’s best friend I had to tell myself that I didn’t really need them. If they want to leave after everything I have done for them then its on them, I’m not begging.

Plus, life will go on. You think you need someone in your life so bad? No, you are strong and even though in the beginning it will be the hardest thing you can endure, you can still live without them.

That doesn’t mean you have to be a complete asshole to your friends or who you are with. It just means you have to know your limits. You have to see if that person would ever do the same for you. After you analyze the situation and start caring for yourself you’re going to see who’s actually there for you and who’s not.

I’m leaving 2019 living for others and I’m walking into 2020 living for myself.

I Was… Adulting

I was so out of this world productive yesterday. I was the guy version of Wonder Woman. Is that a thing? Or is that offensive? Either way I’m proud of myself. You should have seen me.

I got up super early, as I do, picked up my brother from his graveyard shift, and instead of crawling back into bed for an extra 40 mins, I got ready for work, when to Starbucks, and I even pumped some gas into my car! I know for some people these things might seem a little ordinary, but for me these are huge accomplishments.

I’m not even finished though. Work was slow so I did a half day. And instead of breaking the law by driving home anxiously at 90 mph I went, dare I say it, grocery shopping. Yes ma’am. I was adulting. Never thought I’d do it but I did. Bought some nice little veggies, ice cream because I enjoy being happy, and all that other random stuff you find in your fridge.

The party did not stop there no sir. After putting the groceries away, I did some laundry. Wait no correction, I did ALL my laundry. That’s right, maybe 3 weeks worth. I was out of control I know, I know.

Since I had to keep this train going, I decided to vacuum my car. Sit down this is going to sound wild. I cleaned my car. Yes that’s a true statement. I took out the trash that was starting to ferment in there (filled up a 13 gallon trash bag with trash), vacuumed, and because I was feeling a little sassy, I even waxed the seats and the dash board.

I don’t know what hit me honestly. I’m thinking there was something in that Starbucks I had. Who knows. But it was a very productive day. I rewarded myself with ice cream of course when I was done folding the laundry.

If only I was that productive all the time.


05/16/2019


If You Want To Jump, I’ll Jump With You

I am a free, walking, on the go psychiatrist. There is no need to give me money or even ask for a way to compensate me because I am free.

 

That’s what people think. First of all, I am no where near a psychiatrist. Second, I don’t have no knowledge what so ever regarding anything basically. And third, my life is already screwed up as it is to be dealing with other peoples baggage or crap.

 

But what do people do? Well, they still go ahead and pull up a chair and willingly spill out all their demons for me to hear. Ok, maybe its my fault. I am really nice, and I have been told I am a great listener. Which is very true. I like listening to people, But I also like to communicate with them as well. Like a game of catch you know? You throw the ball back and forth. That’s how a good conversation should go.

Today, one of my coworkers that I have known for a while was telling me about all her troubles. Since we were at work she didn’t express herself just how she wanted to but I could see that all she wanted to do at that moment is cry out of frustration. I’ve been there before and girl let me tell you, I had no one. Wish I had but at the same time not, because eww, no one needs to see me crying.

I felt bad that I couldn’t do anything to help her (like c’mon, I do have a heart here). But at the same time she got herself in the hole she is drowning in. Look, I’m not the best for all the motivational crap stuff, don’t get me wrong I love to hear it, I just don’t know how to share it and pump some up or get them to move away from the cliff. My best motivational advice would be “if you want to jump I’ll jump with you.” Hell, to be completely honest I’d probably end up jumping first.

Today though, I was hit by the Motivational Spirit God. Let me tell you why. I told my coworker that even though it seemed like her world was going to be over, it was only a part of her life that she was currently living. And just like those happy moments she had in the past that ended, these tough times were also going to end.

WOW, I know right? What did I  have for breakfast today? I also told her to not give up. Giving up is one of the worst things we can do, and even though its the easiest thing and the option that is right there at our grasp, its not the right one. She smiled at me and proceeded to do what she had to do. In my  opinion those words I said deserved a hug, but that’s neither here nor there.

In the end, what I’m trying to get at is that I am always there to listen to people. And even though sometimes I get tired of their problems it does make me see that I am not the only one. We are all going through crap and it smells really bad. You know what we have to do? Help each other out bro! Sometimes, and I have noticed this in myself, when you help other people while you have problems you feel way better. Sure, you may not be able to take them away but at least you helped them see a brighter better edited picture, you know?

If I’m not making any sense, I’m sorry. Just go help someone feel better. OK? That’s basically it. Even if its you. Go smile in the mirror. Tell yourself you did a good job today. Look, you made it. You’re alive and breathing. You are unstoppable and I believe in you.

Gee, you know what?I just might change my “profession” from free psychiatrist to motivational speaker.


My YouTube Channel

Make A Batter You

Working out.

I love working out, now. I remember once I was terrified of going to the gym and I dreaded sweating. As soon as I would break into sweat I felt like I was doing too much and needed to stop. It’s not even that to be completely honest, it’s just the fact of not feeling comfortable being looked at while I was sweating.

One of my friends was telling me the other day how she sometimes has no energy for the gym. I know how she feels, when I first started going to the gym I went, not because I wanted to go, but because I was paying for it and I’m not one to waste money and not get out what I put in.

I was never a, omg I have to go to the gym today or I’m going to die, type of person. I hated the gym. When I was younger I would ask myself why people would go to a public place and present themselves in such a way. When I (rarely) worked out at home I never liked anyone watching me. I would hide or lift weights when everyone was sleeping. Of course, that never did work because I never stuck to it and I would always stop.

So, when I bought the membership to the gym I go to now, never did I think I would end up loving it. I’m also not one of those insanely toned guys either, (I wish). I go because I want to do it for my health and I care about it too. Plus it makes me feel really good.

Ok, yes, at first it was such a hassle. I would go and feel like crap looking at other people doing way better than me. Smiling while they look at themselves in the mirror seeing their progress, meanwhile I was over here trying to hide my fat with layers of clothes. But that’s not the way I should have been seeing those people, or even myself. I wasn’t at their level. I’m still not at their level, will I ever be? No. That is their level, I have my own level.

You can’t expect going to the gym you will be walking out like those models on the magazines. That’s not true. If you go to the gym go for yourself. To make a better you. Not to look like somebody else. Those people live at the gym, you have a life to live and things to do. They spend hours and hours in the gym, it’s their job, we go maybe at most two hours a day so it’s unreal if we believe that in a month we’ll look like them.

If that’s your goal then you need to be patient but still think that you can do it, because you can. You just need to motivate yourself in the correct way.

For instance right now my motivation is Escape. I’m wearing a curtain costume and I want to feel hot in it. I want to turn heads. Yes that maybe conceded of me but it makes me feel good. Not that they are looking at me but even before I step out I look in the mirror and just feel good. Everyone else should too. Life is too short to feel like crap and not go out. Even if I didn’t like the way I looked I’m still gonna go out and rock it because I need to live life I need to have fun. The gym has given me so much more confidence, and I needed that.