Coming Out To My Coworkers

I was actually writing a different post but I have been so busy planning my whole birthday week, I don’t mean to flex on y’all like that but it is my b day week so I feel as if its justified. (I’m going to the movies, shopping, sixflags, the beach, the club, and eating sushi).

Just this week alone I have came out to two people. One of them was an old coworker that I don’t see that often any more since she no longer works with me. But we kept in contact all these years and still hang out often. I wanted to talk to her and see how she was doing and also tell her everything that was going on in my life. She wanted to do the same.

We took a walk in the park and after we gossiped about everything that we needed to catch up on I told her I needed to tell her something. It was hard, because as humans we fear the unknown and we fear the rejection we will receive if we are not accepted. But it went well. She said she is proud of me. She also told me that its good that I am now living for myself and not for other people. She even cried and hugged me and it felt so liberating. Why did I put it off for so long?

The other person is one of my current coworkers. She is a really sweet person. I have gotten to know her and bond with her over the course of just a few months. I really actually didn’t even need to come out to her. It was the most beautiful thing I’ve ever felt.

I told her I left my old religion since she knew I was in it from when I met her. Then a couple days passed and I told her I was going to celebrate my B day with some friends at the beach. While I told her the reasons why I left my old religion ‘I couldn’t be the person I wanted to be,’ she kind of got the clue. If she didn’t then she must have after I told her I was going to a my favorite gay night club also on my birthday. Her response was “OMG how fun, I have 3 gay friends.” Don’t know how to feel about that but I know she was only trying to be accepting in her own way. I hope she can come to the club with all my friends. I have friends that are taking other friends, it feels nice I’m not gonna lie.

Today, one of the very first people to welcome me to the job were I’m at said she wanted to take me out for sushi. I said hell yeah! I told her that its perfect since I did want to tell her something. She told me no biggie what ever it was she would be there for me. I love that.

Everything seems to be going well. SEEMS. But we will see. I am so grateful that I have all these supportive people in my life. But this is the real world we do live in. And I know some people will be furious by what I do, and I have to learn to accept that, and also not care about it. Even though some of those people will be people I really cared about.

But in the mean time, 25 here I come!

Second First Date

Grab your cups because I’m about to pour some dam good tea. Grab your cookies and your napkins because this is going to get messy.

I met him on tinder. We had a date planned for yesterday but we actually met last Friday at a club. In our defense, the club was not even a date that we planned it just happened and I am glad that it did happen. You can learn a lot from a person when alcohol lets them say anything and makes the real them come out.

Yesterday was the day. I was so thrilled. I really liked this guy and I thought that we had a really good chance of connecting and actually being a great couple. I still think that to this day.

I got off work and then took a shower and headed straight to his house. I got there pretty late because of traffic and also there was an accident that blocked off the main roads. Nonetheless, I arrived and that’s where the story starts, right?

Well, for starters, we took one of his friends home since she was chilling at his house. (It’s not his house he only rents one room in it, you’re going to need that bit of info later, trust). After that we then headed to Chipotle. There we ate and we talked about a lot of stuff. We were there for about a little just over an hour and I have to say that I really enjoyed it.

We even got to the subject of me not being ‘out’ to my mom and church. But that is for another post (and its coming). . . However, I for the most part, thought that it was a mood killer and he was definitely thinking about dating me after that bomb shell. He’s been out since he was 13 and I thing thats pretty brave. But I’m working on it and I have been for weeks, even before him. I will come out, on my terms and at my time, and not for any one but myself.

We saw the movie Aladdin. Not one of my favorite movies, not even in the top 100 but it was ok to watch. We held hands and it was the best feeling ever knowing he still wanted me by his side. That makes me sound so middle school-ish but that’s how I genuinely felt so sue me.

On the way back to his place we saw Starbucks and we had to stop by. We both love it, me for the sugar and him for the caffeine. When we got to his house I swear it seemed like a scene form a coming of age movie where the cute guy shows the other cute guy all the things that make him unique in his room. The talk about their favorite movies and music.

He showed me all his CD’s, DVD’s, Vinyl’s, and horror movie collection’s. I got to see the taste in music that he has. Which is very unique but I some how also know all the songs he quotes and loves. We even have the same favorite signers. He showed me his action figures thing that are collectibles. He’s just a really cute nerd, and I liked that. I adored it.

He asked if I wanted to watch a movie and I said sure. We started seeing Jason Vs Freddy. It was a good movie but I only got to see what happened in the beginning and the end because we had our own little thing we did in the middle which, honestly, happened with out even thinking about it. It just, happened. It was romantic, and I wish I could capture that feeling and take it with me everywhere.

He was falling asleep in my arms towards the end of the movie. Let me just pause here for a second. There is something about just being with someone you like and just holding them. Having them in your arms. Smelling the same smell they are. Smelling them. Being and just living at the same moment with them. Just there. Alone. I just can’t compare that feeling to anything else.

Soon while after there was a knock on the door. Since he fell asleep I walked to the door and it was his friend. She is the owner of the house and rents a room to him. She told me that her mom wanted to talk to him since she also lived there. I was a bit nervous but I woke him up and he went to go talk to them in the living room while I stayed in his room and awaited his return. I was scared, by then I knew they were upset that I was there that late.

I wasn’t wrong. He can back with a really sad face. I hugged him and told him that I was sorry. He said it wasn’t my fault. They just didn’t like it that a total stranger to them was in the house that late. I completely understand. It was late, super late. They didn’t know me. His friend only had seen me once before and her mom only just met me that night, so we did screw up there. But I still would never change anything that happened last night. It was more than perfect.

Today I texted his friend and apologized for over stepping and intruding like I did. She said that it was her mom who was the one that was over reacting but she still didn’t say it was ok so she kind of agrees with her, which is fine I respect that. But she said that she did have other issues bottled up with him that came out, but they talked after I left.

I talked to him about it and he said they established rules. No boys that late. What is late? That is still unknown at the moment. Does he still want to see me? Yes. We planned to go eat somewhere this Monday. I might even have a chance to see him this Saturday if i get to go hiking with him and his friends. I haven’t met these friends. These seem to be more active as I hear they are always hiking. I think he is going to invite me to go since they want to meet me.

Over all, my thoughts? I like him. I like him a lot. I know a lot about him. Not everything but a lot. I know him only a week now but we seemed to have skipped the, what is your favorite color? questions and went right into, what are your biggest fears and insecurities?

He told many friends about me, I have only told 2. Slowly I want to let them know I am dating but I don’t want to get ahead of myself and tell everyone then in 2 weeks tell them I am single once again. I want to be sure of this. I know I’ll get crap for saying this but its true, he’s so broken but well put together and I am well put together but broken. If that doesn’t sound tragically romantic, I don’t now what does.

Three Dates One Week

I went on a date yesterday. No, not a dinner or anything fancy but it was nice. I met this guy like I do most guys online, talk to him and add him on my social media. I basically have to figure out if it’s safe or not to meet him. I want to have fun but I don’t want to die.

The plan was to meet up at Jack in the box and eat, I’m a cheap date honestly. But that didn’t work out so I just met up at his work. Speaking of his work he’s the one that got my brother the job at the same place he works at. So I felt like I kind of owed him a date. Sounds bad but I had a good time.

I honestly thought I was only going to to see him once, but I’ll be seeing him again today, he has a really nice smile and I kind of actually liked him. I’m not gonna say that I fell for him because I didn’t. I just like looking at his face. (LoL).

Tomorrow I have another date with another guy I’ve been talking to. He seems really cute but for some reason he swears every guy he meets blows him off and never speaks to him again. I want to know why. Not that it matters much but he’s not fat, he’s really sweet, and he’s cute. Why would guys run from that? I guess I’ll find out tomorrow.

Saturday I have another brunch/movie date with the guy I met (sexually drunkenly made out with) at the club a while back. I have a feeling he’s going to cancel for some reason , he’s cute too but I would mind. These threes dates I’m under a week can get to me. Plus I have a lot of stuff to do in between all this dating.

I honestly don’t know what I want. To have fun? Be in a relationship? Am I ready to fall in love again? How will my life change if any of these guys are actually worth it? Either way im swimming in the ocean and seeing what’s good.

One Week

What I thought was going to be a romantic summer novel turned out to be a short lived short story.

This past Monday I went over to my lover’s house (I guess we can call him that), and we talked all night. We had a fight during the weekend, I wanted him to come with my friends to the club but he wanted to go to the movies, and watch Mama Mia. I told him no, and that I was going to go with my friends with or without him. So for this weekend (our first and last weekend) we went apart.

It was not until Monday night that I understood why he wanted to spend so much time with just me. I though he was leaving in the beginning of August, but he’s actually leaving this Saturday.

My heart was torn. I knew he was going to be leaving so I was prepared but now having him tell me that is was going to be sooner really dug a knife in my heart. For me two weeks seemed like an eternity, like we had all this time in the world to do all the things we wanted and still have time to relax, but a week? One week.

He started telling me how we could make it work, relationship wise. He could come down one weekend and then I can go up and visit him the next. He said there are so many ways to stay connected without physically having to be close. This broke my heart, it truly did.

I am those people that needs attention to survive. Don’t get me wrong I’m not needy but I like to feel the person I’m with, I like to be next to them, I like our skins to be touching, I want to feel their warmed, I want to look them in the eyes and hold them. There is no technology that can replace a physical person.

Aside from all that, we meet new people in our life’s all the time. He’s going to be meeting new people for sure, new city, new job, new everything. I don’t want that in the back of my head. Always asking myself, who is he with? Who does he talk to? What is he doing? I can’t live that way. So I told him I couldn’t and I was sorry.

He started crying as did I. It was the hardest no I have ever said in my life. After our emotions were clearer we talked about just being friends, I know it sounds cheesy but that’s what we did. We talked about visiting each other and staying connected yes, but not in a relationship kind of way.

He’ll always be in my heart. I never connected with someone on the level that we did so I’m glad that he will stay in my life, and maybe is destiny and fate ever have a brunch date where they talk about us, maybe they’ll decide to put us on each others path again.