My First Rave

I celebrated ringing in the New Year at a rave. I had a good time with my boyfriend and his friend. But let’s all face it, it’s not my scene.

I didn’t know the music, and honestly I didn’t really understand it. Boom boom this boom boom that, drop here drop there. People smoking in your face, not to mention there is no personal space what so ever. I felt like five people were touching me at the same time all the time. Plus it was so hard to walk through the crowds.

The drinks were super expensive which is probably why people were doing drugs. Oh the drugs! Security was total shit, they didn’t even pat me down, and my boyfriends friend had a bag and they didn’t even care to check it. He didn’t have anything but still, I think I made my point.

I know I may just be paranoid but do you judge me? I mean have you seen the world and how it is? Yes I tried to have fun but it’s just not for me.

I told my boyfriend and he was very understanding, that’s what I love about him. I can talk to him and he understands. Or at least tries to. He said he’s over raves too, the good thing is that he has time to experience them in the past.

Maybe if I knew the artists playing or liked the songs then I would go, but it’s safe to say raves are not for me, and I’m totally ok with that.

Stupid Shit

I don’t know what it is.

I’m sitting in my boyfriends room while he takes a shower thinking, dam… pretty soon I’m going to be surrounded by thousands of people, loud music, and alcohol.

To any other normal person this would be a dream. Why wouldn’t you want to party on the last day of the year and have the time of your life with the love of your life celebrating and welcoming the new year?

But to me, to me it’s not like that. I feel anxious, nervous, and to be completely honest I don’t really want to go. Maybe it’s just a bad day for me? Maybe I’m overthinking it too much. This always happens, I get excited for something and down to the wire I don’t want to go.

My boyfriend spent a lot of money to go, he’s really excited and this is his scene, he loves these types of events.

It makes me feel really far from him. He’s social, loud, likes to be around his friends constantly. But I’m all the opposite. Why can’t I be like that? Why do I feel this way?

I hate overthinking, I really hate it. Why can’t I have a normal brain and just live in the moment and not worry about the little stupid shit no one else has on their mind.

All that’s left to do is just suck it up, and live in the moment.

I’m Falling Again

We need to talk. Out of all the things that are going on in my life right now, this is the main focus and this is what we’re going to be talking about.

I’ve been really going mentally crazy to some everything up. I’ve been here and I’ve been there and I even went a little but of everywhere in the last couple of months. I’ve been going nuts. Off the wall. Loco. But just recently when I started doing what made me happy is when things seem to go back into their place.

I told myself I would never go back to a dating app. I told myself I would never date another guy again. I told my self I was done with drinking. I told myself and basically everyone who I knew that I was no longer going to be going to clubs, the old Peter had died, and now I was a saint.

The lie detector determined that, that was a lie. He’s back. He’s back for reals this times this time he’s going to bloom and go out there and finally get what he wants. (I hope).

About a week or so I downloaded tinder. Why? Because I was curious to see what would happen. I never opened it as much as I thought I was going to, which was a good sign. Until I got matched up with someone.

I saw his bio, I liked it and swiped. Matched. I sent him a message and then ghosted him for a day because, again, I wasn’t on the app like I thought I would be. But, I thought, he seems like a good guy let me give it a try.

I message him and we end up talking for about four hours. Message after message, no breaks no pauses. Talking, getting to know each other. He’s a cool guy I thought might as well keep it going and keep it polite.

I continue talking to him the next day as we speak about what we will be doing during the weekend. He said he was going to a club I’ve only heard of but never went to. We move on in our conversation until later on he asks if I want to go with him and his friends. This is where the story gets interesting.

After telling everyone that I wasn’t going to drink, I wasn’t going to go clubbing, and that I wasn’t going to date, I did just the opposite. I though to myself, should I say no and just end this now? What am I even doing? I know shouldn’t be doing this stuff. But then I also thought, you know what? I’m going to be spontaneous. In the movies it always goes well and it’s super fun and good things come out if it so let’s do it! (I know, I’m crazy).

I told a friend to go with me and he did. I was meeting a guy I’d only been talking to for maybe a day. Was it too soon? Hell yes. Do I regret it? Hell no.

We got to the club and we met up. We all introduced each other and as you would except it was awkward as hell. We already had anticipated that since we never actually met before.

The music was extremely loud, there was fake fog, and there were people constantly bumping into each other. Not the best place to conversate. But we managed after buying some drinks.

The night went by pretty fast. To make matters more interesting, his ex was there. Great. I thought I was going to have to get into a fight. But nothing happened. The first time you meet someone is not the best time to talk about your past lovers but he told me what happened to them. I listened because I’m good at that. I heard all his baggage. He has a lot. Which is fine I don’t mind.

The issue I’m having is, I like him. I like him a lot. I see this happen to myself so many times. I meet someone, I like them, and then I cant get enough of them. I want to spend time with them, I want to be around them, I want them. The issue is, will they want/like me back?

I don’t want to get my heart broken again. It’s happened too many times. But at the same time I want to dive in and let myself fall.

So what’s going to happen?

Friendless Friday Night

I sit on my bed while I listen to soft R&B music. My mother is in her room tired from the walk we took earlier. I’ve taken two shots of vodka from one of the four bottles I hide in my closet. They’ve been collecting dust ever since I stopped clubbing and going out to parties. Today I figured I’d do some lite dusting.

Three months ago I bought a ticket for a rave (music EDM festival). Four hours ago I drove one of my best friends along with one of his friends with the ticket I had purchased for myself. Only I didn’t go in with my ticket. His friend did.

After having a huge fight with the friend who invited me to the rave we broke up the friendship and I was set to go alone. But my other friend swooped in and bought a ticket to go with me. Then my moms surgery came out of the blue and there was no way I’d leave her alone. So I gave my ticket to him to invite someone so he wouldn’t go alone.

Things change so much in such a short period of time. I really wish I could have gone. It would have been a blast. But maybe there will be a next time. Or maybe there won’t be. Who knows.

So many things have happened this year and it’s not even the end yet. I used to have a boring life and I thought I hated it. Now I cherish those endless nights of boredom. Those friendless Friday nights.

But at the same time I am also thank full for experiencing it all.


Last Wednesday I met up with a friend I hadn’t seen in a while. We had a long four hour talk. She’s doing well, I’m doing ok. Life moves on weather you are in or out of people’s life’s.

I told her how I don’t know where I stand on my sexuality. Am I gay? That’s what I thought my whole life. Am I bi? I’ve fallen for the prettiest girl in my eyes. It’s another who knows situation. But maybe we’ll find out soon.

Now, I’ll get comfortable in my bed as I take my last shot of the night and sleep a good nights sleep and wake up for what ever life has in store for me for the rest of the year.

Best And Worst Saturday

Drinks, drunks, and good ass French fries.

This past Saturday I went out again. I know, before you start judging me let me tell you that I’m being safe (sorta) and I’m finally having the time of my life. Not holding back and not scared of anything.

This Saturday although it was great it was a little different than most nights I’ve gone out. Me and one of my friends hit up the club and chilled in the parking lot for about half an hour. Then suddenly there was a knock at my car window.

Some drunk guy wanted my friend. Since we are some bad ass bros, when my friend was asked if he wanted to dance with the guy he flat out told him no I want to dance with my friend. I thought the drunk guy was going to slice my throat open but he just walked away.

We were shook. The way the guy approached us was really weird. The rest of the night we were thinking that the guys was gonna key my car, that really killed the mood and my buzz. Not to mention the music really sucked.

Almost at the end of the night while we were dancing on the second stage, some old guy tripped and groped my friend. Like, everything bad happened to him that night I felt terrible.

He ran passed me and walked outside. I couldn’t believe it either. It was really awkward and very ugly. I saw it all happen inform of my eyes and I still couldn’t believe it.

We left soon after that. We went to eat at a taco shop and got some carne asada fries (if you don’t know what those are google them, you’ll thank me later). They were amazing!

We chilled at his house till 6am and then I went home. That Saturday was the best and worst Saturday I had been with this particular friend. He told me that I wasn’t fake and I actually am who I present my self to be. That’s basically the best compliment I have ever received.

Don’t Compare Me To Your Friends

Ok let’s rant shall we?

I had a totally different post planned for today but some events made me change my mind.

So I have this friend that has been there for me for a while now. I love her to death and I would do anything for her. I always forgave her when she canceled and stood me up. Plus, I would always listen to her problems and try my best to help her out. I truly cared for her. She was one of the people that really helped me get me out of my shell and explore and be more out there.

So I bought Escape tickets with her. It’s a rave type of concert for Halloween. I am very excited because I love Halloween! Plus music and good vibes, bring it in.

Today though. She was telling me all the things she’s planning which is cool. I really appreciate that. I do. I like to be ready for things, at the same time sometimes I like to just go for it. I know she’s been to raves and I know she has experience, but she’s being to much right now.

I told her something and she said that her boyfriends is that once and then she didn’t have a good time. Or other times I’ll say something and she’ll immediately say that her friends did that and that this happened. So, me, getting mad at her told her exactly don’t fucking compare me to your friends.

And it’s true she does that all the time. She replays all the scenarios that she’s ever had with her friends and puts me in there. First of all, I’m nothing like her other friends, second of all I’m a different person so the scenarios will be different. She finds that hard to understand.

She straight out came at me. Told me that I was being rude basically and that she has been there for me and blah blah, ok true that doesn’t give you authority over me though. Then she said that who ever I was hanging out with was now changing me.

Um no, I’m finally living a happy life and you’re going to come and tell me I’ve changed? Oh have I changed because I’m not doing what you want me to do? Because I’m not following over for you? Excuse me but Fuck You. That’s the old me, this is the new me. I’m doing me and I’m doing it well. Like, I love her to death but she has to wake up from her dream.

Dance

There are a couple of things that make me really happy. One of them is dancing. If you don’t like dancing how do you even live with yourself? Get out if that mentality, the I can’t dance to save my life mentality. If your body is moving to what ever music you are listing that is the definition of dancing.

I used to only dance in the shower, and even then, it wouldn’t even be that great. But now, I’m in clubs dropping it like it’s hot and picking it up like it’s cold. It’s great. Sure, I’m not gonna lie the alcohol does help some. A lot. But nonetheless, I’m dancing and I’m feeling free.

It’s a feeling of weightlessness. Like I’m floating or my feet aren’t touching the ground. The people around me don’t matter because I am my own happiness. I control how happy I can be. What if they stare? What if they look? What if they judge? Let them. I’m doing me and I’m having fun.

And there’s nothing wrong with acting like a fool while dancing. If you really look at it people are just flinging they’re body parts here and there and having fun. That’s all there is to it. The only time when it should matter how you dance is if it’s a competition.

So if you’re not in a competition, then get out and dance.

Full Throttle

I am on a social spiral and it’s going upward.

On Friday one of my friends asked if I wanted to go eat sushi, of course I said yes because that’s my weakness. One of my other friends had asked if I wanted to go see a drag show and I had told her no but since I was going out for sushi might as well go full throttle on the whole night.

Sushi was great like it always is. The drag show was amazing. I loved seeing them dance and “sing” and just have fun! After that we danced on the dance floor and I had only one drink. The vibe wasn’t the same as the other club I had gone to the previous week but it was still good. We danced for a while before going home.

One the way home, my friend who knows about his blog (hey girl) and is a raver was talking about the one she’s going to this upcoming weekend. It’s called Hard Summer. I remember she’s always tried to get me to go and I’ve always lagged but since I’m in a yes kind of mood I said yes. Not to this one but one that’s called Escape.

It’s theme is Halloween. She’s planning to be Princess Peach and I’d be Luigi. (Of course a slutty darker version of them). Once I posted on social media that I was glowing I was spammed by all these people that I know are going to or that at least want to try to go and some of them in my closest circle of friends. So I really hope they can go.

On another note, yesterday I told a friend about this blog. I didn’t give her the address or a way to look it up, just simply told her that I had one. She suggested that we make one together. About us, our adventures, and our life stories. Kind of something motivational. So stay tuned for that!

I also went on a midnight date but that story well save for next time.

Social Butterfly

Yesterday I went clubbing.

Technically you can say it was a bar but there was so much room to dance that people were doing just that. Maybe it was a bar club.

Not sure, not my scene but maybe now it will be. One of my friends that loves raves and dance music, loves going to clubs to dance, and have a good time. She had been inviting me for years now, yesterday was the first time I said yes.

We waited for a little over an hour in line to get in, but it was definitely worth it. Once we were in we bought drinks and moved to the dance floor. At first I didn’t really know what to do. I just stood there awkwardly swaying back and forth. Then the drinks hit. I was pumped. I didn’t know any song that played but the beat and the bass was running through my veins and took control of all my senses.

Now that I have blossomed into this marvelous social butterfly I’m on the path to greater things. We made new friends yesterday that danced with us. They were great. I love this new me.

I can sit here and think back to the times I feared to go to public places. And although I still get a little nervous, now I love it.

I’m making new friends and meeting new people. I’m experiencing all these new things I have been missing out on all these years.

I had the time of my life yesterday and if it were to happen again I wouldn’t mind. I’d actually welcome it.

I Went Alone

Alone. No one wants to ever feel alone, or be left alone. Sure, there are times when you are in a room full of people and all you want for them is to just leave. I get that. But, even after a while by yourself, you will start feeling that feeling of wanting someone by your side. Or maybe you need the support and the extra courage you get when you are with someone else rather than when you are alone.

I was invited to this music festival a while back while I was walking my dogs. Some young girls maybe in their early twenties came up to my brother and I and gave us a flyer. It said ESCAPE on it. It only had the date, time, and address. So of course, it looked intriguing.

I was really looking forward to going. I told one of my friends that loves to go to raves, she said she would try but eventually she said she couldn’t make it. I was going to go with my brother originally but he said he didn’t want to go any more.

I went alone. I thought I was going to have fun, maybe meet new people and possibly make new friends. So I drove there but when I arrived it was a different story.

There were people there don’t get me wrong, it was only fifteen minutes into the festival. It was indoor, so I saw people walking in through the side door, I really wanted to go in. I just parked and stayed in my car. My social anxiety got the best of me once again.

It has been a while since I get anxiety like I got yesterday. I am usually open to try new things and get out of my comfort zone, but this time it was different. I just couldn’t muster up the courage to get out of my car and walk in there.

It surprised me, I have been more outspoken lately and more out there. So not being able to go to this alone was like a step back. Yes, life has been changing for me in the last couple of months, I lost a friend, my job is going through changes, and I have need stressed over my mom’s surgery. But I have always placed these things in the back of my head telling myself that everything is going to be ok.

Is it that my brain has fallen back again to my pessimistic ways? I won’t let that happen. The person I used to be was letting people walk all over me, that gave me such an awful life. Always sitting in the back seat, always waiting to be called. I can’t be like that, I have to break the mold. I will break the mold.