Stay Healthy.

You would think that by being at home I would be able to write more, but it seems by brain has been drain from so many Netflix watching and junk food eating that I lost track of time when there time didn’t exist.

I’ve been doing all my school work from home it really reminds me of my home schooled days back in High school. I was home schooled all of high school and it wasn’t that bad. Now it feels the same because out teacher just gives us assignments and we basically have to teach it to ourselves. It’s not that bad though.

I weighed myself the other day, I have gained about 10 or so Quarantine wight. Not sure if that is a thing but it should be. It has almost been two months that I have not actually gone anywhere but the store for groceries. I really can’t wait until things go back to normal.

I don’t want to party, and I don’t want to go to clubs as all the memes on Instagram are saying. I just want to hang out with my boyfriend, go to the movies, go out and eat, go hiking. All the cute things that we used to do before this mess.

This week I started getting up early and going for a walk. It is a walk right now but I may want to switch it up into a job later on, when my body gets used to it a little more. It feels nice, and I thought it was going to be hard waking up early and getting in the routine but it hasn’t which is a good thing. I also started to eat way healthier than I was back in April.

I don’t know about you but we are still in lock down and we have about two more weeks to go, unless they decide to extend it again. I don’t think they will but even when they do open I know there will be a lot of restrictions. Which to me is a good thing, I don’t want there to be another phase of this thing.

I hope everyone is doing well and being safe, stay healthy.

Changes

I have decided to make some changes to my lifestyle.

Call Me Britney Spears because I did it again, I gained weight. I know I shouldn’t be so concerned about gaining weight here and there, with all the self love that’s allegedly going around now a days. And I wish I could be one of those people that just doesn’t give a fuck about how their body looks like, but sadly I am not.

I like to feel good about my body, I want to be and feel healthy. I don’t want abs and biceps and all that either. I just want to look like I take care of myself. Maybe its a body image issue? I don’t know, it gives me confidence, makes me feel good. Maybe I have a mental issue, who knows? The jury is still out.

To fix this I have decided to quit sugary drinks. Soda, coffee, and juices. I need to only focus on drinking water. Sugar is my main problem. That’s why I’m cutting it out of my life. I’ve done it before and not only have I dropped in pounds, my skin and mood got so much better too, along with my energy levels.

Another change I would like to make is reading. I don’t do it. I used to do a lot of it. But now all I do is binge watch shows. Netflix, Amazon Prime, Disney, and YouTube have all taken up my time. They have literally taken control of my life. In this time and age everyone is watching something, I miss reading. I miss using my own imagination to paint the scenes and make them how I want them to be in my head. Like, what happened to reading? When was the last time you read a book? I went to the store today after the gym and I grabbed a book. I plan to read it before bed every night, I heard that even helps with falling asleep too, so there’s another benefit.

Those are just two things that I want to change as soon as I can. There are many other things I am also working on as a person and for my self care but they are on going and I probably already mentioned them before on here so I wont bore you with the same details over and over again.

For now, it’s time to change.

Insignificant Week

Last year during this exact weekend I was on a road trip with two of my good friends. Sadly I had a falling out with one of them. We tried to fix our issues and we did, but that still doesn’t make us the best of friends, we’re still very much distant. It is nice remembering those times. I love road trips. I haven’t been on one in a while and it makes me feel trapped.

If you live in America (USA) you know that today is Memorial day. Since it is a national holiday here most people have the day off. Which is great. I did too. Since I will be out of a job in a couple of months I decided to take my vacation now. I had acquired four days and I decided to put them in this week to complete a full week off.

There hasn’t been much work at my job lately. I was off for two days last week because of that. So I thought I might as well put in a full week and get paid for it. Our boss told us that it is only going to get slower. For me, I don’t mind it. As long as I get at least four hours of work a day that’s fine. It’s like a part time job.

The issue is that I have nothing to do. I already finished what I was binge watching on Netflix. I did start watching this show called The Society. I’ts honestly really good. It’s about these school kids that go on a field trip or something far away, the night falls and the driver says that they have to go back home because the roads are closed, when they get back, there are no parents, there are no adults, there’s no one. Just them. They try to leave but the roads that lead out of town are now blocked by woods that seemed to have been there forever but weren’t there yesterday. I recommend it.

Also, my best friend is in Cancun these whole week. One of the church elders had invited him last summer. He saved up and I’m pretty sure whatever he wasn’t able to pay for his parents chipped in like they always do. I can’t say that I feel any different about it though. It’s like he’s not even gone. I only see him at church, and when I say see him, that’s exactly what I mean. It’s been weird between us for a while now, not sure what to make of that.

So, there really isn’t much for me to do this week but just chill. The weather is going to be one of the best so far this year. It’s like its mocking me. Maybe I’ll go out and do something for myself. I don’t usually go out alone, but maybe I’ll try it. Mmm no, I know I wont. So, Netflix here I come.

I’m Better Now

This Friday is when it started. I’m barley getting out of it but it’s lingering.

I don’t really know what happened. But it has the attention of almost everyone. All eyes are on me. Is he ok? What’s going on? He needs help. Everyone is worried about him.

I didn’t mean to worry anyone. Specially not my mom. I honestly don’t feel like I should have, or like I did. I binge watched Pretty Little liars all weekend with out getting out of bed. For anyone this is something normal. Something another millennial would do. But I have history.

My mom asked me if I was ok Saturday. I told her I was. But we both knew I wasn’t. I was tired. Tired of it all. Honestly, I just wanted to be alone. I just wanted to breathe, I wanted to get out of my head and float away into the fake lives of the characters on my screen. I wanted to forget about mine.

I didn’t go to church on Sunday, which only added fuel to the flames. My best friend texted me. Asked if I was ok. I didn’t text him back until today. One of the Elders called me, said he was worried and my mother had mentioned something to him. I didn’t reply or call back until today. Told him I was fine, he asked if there was something he could do to help. I didn’t text back.

I don’t want to talk about it anymore. I’m done. It happened. I was a little sad let’s move on, I’m better now. I’ll be fine, I’ll be ok. Just like the last time.

I Don’t Dance, I Read Books 

Ok Journal, 

 

         It’s currently 8:46 PM and I have just came back form the party I should have not gone to. Let me give you the run down of everything that happened just so you don’t think I’m crazy or exaggerating. 

          Everyone knows I’m the least social person in the world, and when I say everyone, I mean everyone. So during the course of the day I was debating if I would go to the party or not. One of my friends was going to go so I had him to hide behind and not look so bad. He said he was actually going to a prom he was invited to and he couldn’t turn it down because he had a ticket and the ticket “is like worth a hundred dollars or whatever.” Oh. Well then I guess our friendship is worth nothing? 

          This made my decision perfectly clear. I would not go to he party. Even though it was going to be exactly next door. I wouldn’t know anyone and I would stand in the corner looking like an asshole for not socializing. So I comfortably got in bed and put on Netflix and decided to give Stranger Things a try. I swear the second I was done with the first episode my mom said there was someone at the door. 

         At 5:19 PM my friends brother (the one that decided to end our friendship by going to a prom) had come to drag me to the party. He said he was alone and he knew me so he wanted me to go because that would make him feel less, well, alone. I hesitated but ultimately my big heart made me give in and I told him I would change. 

         So at 5:31 PM we started walking next door. I hadn’t noticed all the cars parked on the street until I went outside. I had my TV on blast. We got there and the host (our neighbor) told me that she told George to come and get me so he wouldn’t be alone yet she wanted us to meet knew people. I nodded and went and sat at the nearest corner that had not been taken. There wasn’t that many people which was good. But later more started arriving.  

         Around 5:50 PM the first game started. An Oreo cookie was placed on your forehead and you had to get it to your mouth by just moving the muscles on your face. Unwilling I was paired up with George (my friends brother), Devani (the hostess doughter) and some other guy I didn’t catch his name. We won which was ok not bad. Winning is cool. Maybe Poole will talk to me now. No. 

         We ended playing musical chairs around 6:30 PM I had lost around the sixth chair. After that we played a game that you had to pop a ballon. Of course with my luck I sat on the darn thing three times before it actually decided it was its time to go.  

         After that the dancing started. This is were the night went to shit. I do not dance, wait let me refriase that, I DO NOT DANCE. The host kept bugging and bugging me to dance. But I had to stand guard and take care of the wall. Protecting it was now my life mission and no one was going to get between me and my wall. I awkwardly stood there for more than an hour while everyone danced. 

          In my head I was thinking the worst. Or more better said, hoping that the worst would happen. Well actually, even better said that the best could happen. I thought, maybe the mikes will blow and the party will end. Maybe someone will drop juice or something on the DJs computer. Maybe the roof will collapse and kill us all. Really anything that would make this party stop. But luck was not on my side and it didn’t. So I just continued standing there defending the wall against nothing. No one protected that wall better than me. It had become my new best friend  . 

          I decided to leave. And George wanted to leave too. I showed him my new fish since he was the one who gave me half of them. He said they are doing fine. He left and I stayed at my house. And now the walls are protecting me from those peoples laughs and bickering. Saying things like “OMG so weird” and “why doesn’t he talk to someone” or “he shouldn’t have even came.” That last one is true. 

          I should have not gone . Why did I go? Out of the goodness of my heart? Why did I have to be this kind? And most of all bitch, why didn’t you come and talk to me if you were that interested in my shit? LOL sorry. 

         Now I’m going to have to deal with those annoying conversations. “Hey I saw you at the party and you didn’t even dance!” No way you piece of shit! You could have fucken said hello! Any ways I hate party’s. I don’t do party’s. My types of parts are no more han three people watching a movie calmly eating chips or popcorn, and forth person would make that party extreme. Again I don’t dance, I read books. Sometimes I wish I was a snail. Or some kind of animal I could curl myself up and hide away from this world. But my bed and my covers will suffice for now . 

4/29/2017

You Wait For The Perfect Outcome, But We Don’t Live In A Perfect World 

Dear Journal, 

          I had planned on going to work early today, so therefore I woke up an hour early. My alarm went off so many times that I decided to turn it off. Big mistake. I woke up with just twenty minutes left, unrealistically I thought if I hurried I would still make it in time. I got everything ready and as I was about to walk out the door I saw the clock. It takes me about thirteen to fourteen mitintes to get to work. Seeing that I only had ten, and I have yet to master freezing time, I decided just to go in at my regular time. 

          So instead here I am, writing to you. Nothing but my thoughts today. One good thing, that might just be general news, is that we have a fish tank. (And fish, of course). They are mainly mollies and guppies. Small fish. It’s a ten gallon fish tank so we can’t have any fish that will grow because eventually they will die. They aren’t that bad. The males are brighter and more colorful but can’t have more males than females because just like humans, they tire out the females. 

          Other than that I have lost a couple of pounds. I notice that my shirts aren’t that tight anymore. I can button my pants without have to suck it in. And I notice when I sit down I don’t have that much of a gut. I haven’t weighed myself yet. I think I’m scared. Scared that the scale will tell me what I feel is a lie. But I know I have to, eventually. Still my diet and fitness continue. I don’t think I’ve ever felt this good about my body.

          I haven’t heard anything from my old friends. Wow, “old”, as in the past. That’s really sad. It’s crazy how you can spend so much time with people and then after a couple of months you don’t know who they are anymore. Really sad. Well they’re missing out. 

          My moms surgery is set to be in early May. I am scared. I don’t know what’s going to happen. Sure you wait for the perfect outcome but we don’t live in a perfect world. Still you have to hope. Hope. Sometimes I hate that word. Sometimes it’s really beautiful . I suppose it all depends in what state you’re mentally in at the time. 

           I haven’t read any new books yet. I have one on my night stand locked and ready. But I just haven’t had the chance. With working ten hours a day and Netflix being my weakness I just haven’t had enough time. I’m currently viewing about five shows which I said I would never do because I wouldn’t remember any of their plots or characters, but remember, not a perfect world. 

          Anyway, this was relaxing. I’ll smother some peanut butter on bread and eat that with my tea and go to work. Like any normal day. No one will know I intended to go earlier but it didn’t work out. That’s just life, we plan things so far ahead, and then find out that that’s not actually what is in store for us. 

4/20/2017

New Hobbies 

Dear Journal, 

         This weekend by far has been one of the best weekends I have had in a while. It went by so fast I didn’t have enough time to blink. Now, usually that would bug me because I am a home body. I like to be alone, with my snacks, Netflix , snuggled up in bed. But this weekend was anything but that. 

          First, one Saturday, I woke up super early to go to work. Yes, work. I didn’t mind. I woke up really refreshed, no joke. They had donuts and later on pizza for everyone that had gone, as a thank you. It took so much of me to say no to both. (P.s. I’m on a healthy diet now, and I’m a full on  runner and health nerd). My coworkers ate and ate while I ate my grapes. 

         After work I came home and took a nap. It was maybe less than half an hour but it helped. I had planned to start a garden so I headed over to the Home Depot. Bought some soil and also plants. Tomato, strawberry, cantaloupe, and watermelon. I want to plant more but we’ll see. From there I went hiking and I gave it my all! I went up and did two loops around the top, or was it three? I’m not sure, I just felt energized after. My feet hurt but in the good way, you know? 

         The next day (Sunday), I woke up with a mission. I prepared the ground where my garden was going to be so in the afternoon I could plant my new babies. It took me an hour to fix everything up but I was well over satisfied. After that I ate breakfast and went on my way to Petco. My friends brother gave me a fish tank so I had to get the filter and other necessities that go along so he could also give me some fish he doesn’t want, (he’s building a pond at his house so he’s giving away his smaller fish). 

          When I was done installing everything in the tank I turned it on and the sound it made was just lovely. Like a mini waterfall. Reminds of my childhood for a sec. I had a fish tank grouping up. 

          Once the sun had come down enough for me to plant my new friends I went outside and got the soil and the plants ready. They went in with no problem. They looked cute together in the ground. They had their own respective places good enough for their nutrients and space. I’m excited about them. Can you tel!? 

          Now at the end of my Sunday it all seems sour because I have to go back to the work routine. But I’m walking into this week just maybe an ounce happier than I’ve been the last couple of weeks. But hopefully my new found hobbies (running, planting, and fish?) keep my mind busy and bring me some kind of light to my life.

4/9/2017

Socially Awkward

Journal,

     I can’t do! I’m freaking out! I’m sitting in my kitchen table on Netflix (which is usual) but the fact that its 6:13 pm on Friday, not any Friday, the second Friday that my friend’s have rescheduled a “Friend’s Night” so we can hang out.

     I have full anxiety. They have been group texting all day. I only joined once, they expect me to get there soon, (I said I’d be there t six) but I just can’t find it in me to get up and go. One of them asked where we wanted to eat. (I’m broke as FUCK). I texted back that I would eat at home and just go to their house after.

     That didn’t work she said that she would just order pizza. That’s cool I thought , then she texted another friend to take soda and chips, in the group chat! Like you could have done that in a personal text. But whay have me see? (WHAT THE FUCK). So, am I just supposed to go empty-handed? That makes me feel so bad and I don’t even know why. How can I just go and act jolly and laugh at everythig and have fun when everything is not fun. I’m panicking I’m breathing hard and fast, I’m sweaty an its thirty-four degrees outside.

     Last week I canceled, this week I’m not even going to show up? I don’t even know what I’m doing. They are my friends, right? Why am I running away from them? Why am I putting up walls? Why can’t I be real with them?  I just cant do it.

     So I’m just going to sit here all night and watch them blow up my phone wih “where are you?” texts. No, I wont answer, because even if I tried I don’t know what I would say. I’ll jus keep watching Netflix because that’s the only thing I am good at. I’m so socially awkward. I can’t have have a normal oversation , let alone some friends? Whats up with that? Ugh.

2/24/2017

“Hike”

Dear Journal, 

     I’m writing to you from my phone today because my brother conveniently decided that he needed to use my laptop for his homework. And I, one of the best brothers ever to roam the land let him use it, (after ten minutes of bickering). I don’t use it that often so it’s ok, it’s also a plus that he doesn’t hog it either. 

     Anyway, on to what I was going to say, which was? Right, well it’s Tuesday and since the horrid thing that we call “Monday” has past I feel well enough to talk about the weekend. Which was not that bad for my type of weekend (I usually have really boring weekends, life, etc). 


    After watching some seasons (yes seasons) of Glee, my mom asked if I wanted to go walk, “hike” you could say (technically because it’s an inclined walk up a hill). I agreed and we went off on our way. We went to Mount Rubidoux in Riverside. It’s like twenty five minutes away from our house so it’s not that far. It’s not my favorite place to hike since again, it’s not an actual hike but it has a good view. 



     And since we are fat asses we had to get corn on the cob from some guy selling some at a near by park. Yes we got all kinds of stares. (I mean who goes out for a walk and gets junk food?) We might as well have taken soda for hydration and Icecream to cool off at the top. In my defense we did finish it at the bottom (I don’t know how that is a defense but there you go). 

     

     The trails are nice. There is a steep way, which will get you to the top faster. There is also a more less inclined way, which will obviously take you a bit longer but will not tire you as much. You think that after eating a greased up, moyo dripping, cheese drenched corn on the cob we would feel guilty enough to go the steepest way and burn those calories we had just consumed right? Well your wrong Journal. You see, we were tired from the consumption of that corn (I don’t know how) that we thought we would rest our selfs by taking it easy. 


     The view was of course priceless. That’s basically why anyone ever goes up there. There is only one or two people actually running up and down the mountain actually excersing everyone else is just taking pictures. (Welcome to America). We sat up there for a total of fifteen minutes and saw half the sunset until unfortualy the smog covered the view then we headed down. Over all it was actually kind of relaxing, I’m up for making that a weekly thing. (No promises though). 

Over all it was a nice little humble weekend fun. (My calfs and feet died several times though). 

Panoramic View of the Top of Mount Rubidoux



2/7/2017