Insignificant Week

Last year during this exact weekend I was on a road trip with two of my good friends. Sadly I had a falling out with one of them. We tried to fix our issues and we did, but that still doesn’t make us the best of friends, we’re still very much distant. It is nice remembering those times. I love road trips. I haven’t been on one in a while and it makes me feel trapped.

If you live in America (USA) you know that today is Memorial day. Since it is a national holiday here most people have the day off. Which is great. I did too. Since I will be out of a job in a couple of months I decided to take my vacation now. I had acquired four days and I decided to put them in this week to complete a full week off.

There hasn’t been much work at my job lately. I was off for two days last week because of that. So I thought I might as well put in a full week and get paid for it. Our boss told us that it is only going to get slower. For me, I don’t mind it. As long as I get at least four hours of work a day that’s fine. It’s like a part time job.

The issue is that I have nothing to do. I already finished what I was binge watching on Netflix. I did start watching this show called The Society. I’ts honestly really good. It’s about these school kids that go on a field trip or something far away, the night falls and the driver says that they have to go back home because the roads are closed, when they get back, there are no parents, there are no adults, there’s no one. Just them. They try to leave but the roads that lead out of town are now blocked by woods that seemed to have been there forever but weren’t there yesterday. I recommend it.

Also, my best friend is in Cancun these whole week. One of the church elders had invited him last summer. He saved up and I’m pretty sure whatever he wasn’t able to pay for his parents chipped in like they always do. I can’t say that I feel any different about it though. It’s like he’s not even gone. I only see him at church, and when I say see him, that’s exactly what I mean. It’s been weird between us for a while now, not sure what to make of that.

So, there really isn’t much for me to do this week but just chill. The weather is going to be one of the best so far this year. It’s like its mocking me. Maybe I’ll go out and do something for myself. I don’t usually go out alone, but maybe I’ll try it. Mmm no, I know I wont. So, Netflix here I come.

I’m Better Now

This Friday is when it started. I’m barley getting out of it but it’s lingering.

I don’t really know what happened. But it has the attention of almost everyone. All eyes are on me. Is he ok? What’s going on? He needs help. Everyone is worried about him.

I didn’t mean to worry anyone. Specially not my mom. I honestly don’t feel like I should have, or like I did. I binge watched Pretty Little liars all weekend with out getting out of bed. For anyone this is something normal. Something another millennial would do. But I have history.

My mom asked me if I was ok Saturday. I told her I was. But we both knew I wasn’t. I was tired. Tired of it all. Honestly, I just wanted to be alone. I just wanted to breathe, I wanted to get out of my head and float away into the fake lives of the characters on my screen. I wanted to forget about mine.

I didn’t go to church on Sunday, which only added fuel to the flames. My best friend texted me. Asked if I was ok. I didn’t text him back until today. One of the Elders called me, said he was worried and my mother had mentioned something to him. I didn’t reply or call back until today. Told him I was fine, he asked if there was something he could do to help. I didn’t text back.

I don’t want to talk about it anymore. I’m done. It happened. I was a little sad let’s move on, I’m better now. I’ll be fine, I’ll be ok. Just like the last time.

I Don’t Dance, I Read Books 

Ok Journal, 

 

         It’s currently 8:46 PM and I have just came back form the party I should have not gone to. Let me give you the run down of everything that happened just so you don’t think I’m crazy or exaggerating. 

          Everyone knows I’m the least social person in the world, and when I say everyone, I mean everyone. So during the course of the day I was debating if I would go to the party or not. One of my friends was going to go so I had him to hide behind and not look so bad. He said he was actually going to a prom he was invited to and he couldn’t turn it down because he had a ticket and the ticket “is like worth a hundred dollars or whatever.” Oh. Well then I guess our friendship is worth nothing? 

          This made my decision perfectly clear. I would not go to he party. Even though it was going to be exactly next door. I wouldn’t know anyone and I would stand in the corner looking like an asshole for not socializing. So I comfortably got in bed and put on Netflix and decided to give Stranger Things a try. I swear the second I was done with the first episode my mom said there was someone at the door. 

         At 5:19 PM my friends brother (the one that decided to end our friendship by going to a prom) had come to drag me to the party. He said he was alone and he knew me so he wanted me to go because that would make him feel less, well, alone. I hesitated but ultimately my big heart made me give in and I told him I would change. 

         So at 5:31 PM we started walking next door. I hadn’t noticed all the cars parked on the street until I went outside. I had my TV on blast. We got there and the host (our neighbor) told me that she told George to come and get me so he wouldn’t be alone yet she wanted us to meet knew people. I nodded and went and sat at the nearest corner that had not been taken. There wasn’t that many people which was good. But later more started arriving.  

         Around 5:50 PM the first game started. An Oreo cookie was placed on your forehead and you had to get it to your mouth by just moving the muscles on your face. Unwilling I was paired up with George (my friends brother), Devani (the hostess doughter) and some other guy I didn’t catch his name. We won which was ok not bad. Winning is cool. Maybe Poole will talk to me now. No. 

         We ended playing musical chairs around 6:30 PM I had lost around the sixth chair. After that we played a game that you had to pop a ballon. Of course with my luck I sat on the darn thing three times before it actually decided it was its time to go.  

         After that the dancing started. This is were the night went to shit. I do not dance, wait let me refriase that, I DO NOT DANCE. The host kept bugging and bugging me to dance. But I had to stand guard and take care of the wall. Protecting it was now my life mission and no one was going to get between me and my wall. I awkwardly stood there for more than an hour while everyone danced. 

          In my head I was thinking the worst. Or more better said, hoping that the worst would happen. Well actually, even better said that the best could happen. I thought, maybe the mikes will blow and the party will end. Maybe someone will drop juice or something on the DJs computer. Maybe the roof will collapse and kill us all. Really anything that would make this party stop. But luck was not on my side and it didn’t. So I just continued standing there defending the wall against nothing. No one protected that wall better than me. It had become my new best friend  . 

          I decided to leave. And George wanted to leave too. I showed him my new fish since he was the one who gave me half of them. He said they are doing fine. He left and I stayed at my house. And now the walls are protecting me from those peoples laughs and bickering. Saying things like “OMG so weird” and “why doesn’t he talk to someone” or “he shouldn’t have even came.” That last one is true. 

          I should have not gone . Why did I go? Out of the goodness of my heart? Why did I have to be this kind? And most of all bitch, why didn’t you come and talk to me if you were that interested in my shit? LOL sorry. 

         Now I’m going to have to deal with those annoying conversations. “Hey I saw you at the party and you didn’t even dance!” No way you piece of shit! You could have fucken said hello! Any ways I hate party’s. I don’t do party’s. My types of parts are no more han three people watching a movie calmly eating chips or popcorn, and forth person would make that party extreme. Again I don’t dance, I read books. Sometimes I wish I was a snail. Or some kind of animal I could curl myself up and hide away from this world. But my bed and my covers will suffice for now . 

4/29/2017

You Wait For The Perfect Outcome, But We Don’t Live In A Perfect World 

Dear Journal, 

          I had planned on going to work early today, so therefore I woke up an hour early. My alarm went off so many times that I decided to turn it off. Big mistake. I woke up with just twenty minutes left, unrealistically I thought if I hurried I would still make it in time. I got everything ready and as I was about to walk out the door I saw the clock. It takes me about thirteen to fourteen mitintes to get to work. Seeing that I only had ten, and I have yet to master freezing time, I decided just to go in at my regular time. 

          So instead here I am, writing to you. Nothing but my thoughts today. One good thing, that might just be general news, is that we have a fish tank. (And fish, of course). They are mainly mollies and guppies. Small fish. It’s a ten gallon fish tank so we can’t have any fish that will grow because eventually they will die. They aren’t that bad. The males are brighter and more colorful but can’t have more males than females because just like humans, they tire out the females. 

          Other than that I have lost a couple of pounds. I notice that my shirts aren’t that tight anymore. I can button my pants without have to suck it in. And I notice when I sit down I don’t have that much of a gut. I haven’t weighed myself yet. I think I’m scared. Scared that the scale will tell me what I feel is a lie. But I know I have to, eventually. Still my diet and fitness continue. I don’t think I’ve ever felt this good about my body.

          I haven’t heard anything from my old friends. Wow, “old”, as in the past. That’s really sad. It’s crazy how you can spend so much time with people and then after a couple of months you don’t know who they are anymore. Really sad. Well they’re missing out. 

          My moms surgery is set to be in early May. I am scared. I don’t know what’s going to happen. Sure you wait for the perfect outcome but we don’t live in a perfect world. Still you have to hope. Hope. Sometimes I hate that word. Sometimes it’s really beautiful . I suppose it all depends in what state you’re mentally in at the time. 

           I haven’t read any new books yet. I have one on my night stand locked and ready. But I just haven’t had the chance. With working ten hours a day and Netflix being my weakness I just haven’t had enough time. I’m currently viewing about five shows which I said I would never do because I wouldn’t remember any of their plots or characters, but remember, not a perfect world. 

          Anyway, this was relaxing. I’ll smother some peanut butter on bread and eat that with my tea and go to work. Like any normal day. No one will know I intended to go earlier but it didn’t work out. That’s just life, we plan things so far ahead, and then find out that that’s not actually what is in store for us. 

4/20/2017