Frustration doesn’t even begin to describe how I feel right now.
In my head this whole unemployment, going back to school, and not having a job thing was going to be easy. Or, well, not easy, but not this challenging either.
I don’t know if its just me. But, have you ever woken up from a nap and felt this inner hatred for yourself? What’s that about? I felt that yesterday. It was weird and thank goodness it wore off before I headed over to my girlfriends place.
That feeling came back today though. I didn’t open the door for it. I didn’t invite it in. It just walked through the walls and into my brain.
I have been stressed. Lets be honest. The whole vacation was a nice distraction from everything that is going on in my life.
First, lets start with what happened last night. At my GF’s place we talked about the future. Then she told me that she would like it for me to go to the meetings (church gatherings) at least once in a while. I told her how I felt about it all. She told me that she didn’t want to pressure me into doing anything that I didn’t want to do, she just wanted to let me know how she felt. I appreciate her sincerity.
There is a part of me that wants to go back. Just to see how I will be received. Another part of me wants to go to make her happy, to make my mom happy, but then again that is one of the reasons I left. I don’t like some of their rules, but I ask myself this, do I actually have to follow them if I don’t want to?
I was talking to myself the other day and I told myself that if I ever did decide to go back (
because we all know how indecisive I am), that I would not be the person that I used to be. Devoted? We don’t know Him. I have learned that by pleasing others, you will not gain happiness or even approval. Everyone talks. Some of them don’t even know what they are saying, they just talk. Will I go back? Question is pending an answer.
Today I started looking for schools. I don’t want to go to a four year school. I don’t. Its too much time and I don’t have a lot of that. I never liked colleges or universities. So I started to look at trade schools or vocational schools. Everything is expensive no matter what. Weather its a four year or just a trade. Funny how they tell you to go to school and they die saying that education is one of the best things you can reach for, but yet they make it unbelievably expensive.
I went to a tour of one of the schools I was able to schedule today. I want to elaborate on how it went but at the same time I don’t want to sound so pathetic. Half way through the assessment I was taking, I got up and left. Why? I’m still trying to figure that out myself. I was so mad. Mad at what? Let me find a good excuse because I don’t have a reason.
I felt so much pressure in my head, I wanted to scream, I wanted to cry that ugly cry with tears and boogers running down your cheeks and chin. But I didn’t. I held it in like the big boy that I am supposed to be. I felt an overwhelming rush of emotions though. So many that I didn’t know which one I was supposed to listen to.
Why? Why? Why? I don’t understand why I get like this sometimes and it bugs the shit out of me.
I feel like finding the saddest playlist of music and just crying my eyes our. Is that therapeutic? Better out than in Shrek always says, right?
What I got for unemployment is total trash. I’m trying to find a school that will take me in as soon as I can. At the same time I don’t want to be around anyone. My GF wants me to be in the religion the same as hers. Everything is stressing me out right now. I’m so irritable. I have a trip planned in two weeks that I have been dying to go to this whole summer, and I don’t even think I’ll make it to that. Not to even mention that my mom has another upcoming surgery in September.
I saw this coming. I always do.
You can always see when you’re going down hill. Right now I’m at the very top looking down, and its looking like its pretty steep.