Summer

In case you didn’t know or you’ve been binge watching a show on Netflix, like I have, you haven’t yet looked outside your window or at a calendar and seen that Summer is approaching. Last year my summer was very, epic, (some would say). I had the whole college frat boy experience, without actually going to college, or being a frat boy. There was party week after week. There was “get togethers” , alcohol, and so many other things that I can’t remember because my memory is foggy.

I don’t know about you but for me summer always starts Memorial day weekend. Which is basically a month before “actual” summer starts. Look, I didn’t make the rules, and I don’t really follow them either, but uh, never mind, lost my train of thought.

Anyway, what I am getting at is that I am not ready for summer. All the graduations are coming up. They basically kick off the start of summer. I’m not the most popular of people but I do know people that know people, which gets me an invite to these parties. Parties I do not want to attend. I know that makes me sound like a douche bag but think what you want.

Don’t ask me why I don’t want to go. Stop. I wont tell you. Ok, I’ll tell you. Most of the parties I went last year were “church parties”. And no they weren’t boring. I know the thought of a church party sounds like we sat in a circle and read Bible stories while we asked God to forgive us for having fun. If you think that’s that’s the case, you have a real bad interpretation of religion. Or at least my religion.

They were fun. Nothing crazy, but at the same time it was super chill. I enjoyed them. I went to graduation parties, baby showers, and some parties that really didn’t have a reason but just to have fun and dance. It was a lit time fam. (Eww). But I was different back then. I honestly don’t know who I was. I don’t know who I am now so there’s that too. Where was I going with this?  I don’t know.

All I’m trying to say I think is that I am not ready for summer. (Think I said that twice now). The going out, the parties, the whole being social aspect of it. It just bugs me. I know maybe I’ll change my mind later and come back writing about being the center of attention, but for now that’s where my state of mind is at the moment.

My best friend is acting weird. The Elders in my church want me to be someone they think I want to be, I need to look for a new job, my mom is concerned that I’m not mentally stable, and my friends outside of church still believe I’m that rebel that did all those crazy outrageous things last year. Who is going to tell all these people that they are wrong? Not I. When I do tell them that I am not that, they will ask what I am and I don’t know.

That’s mainly the real reason behind my not wanting to go to these parties. If I go, I’m exposed to being asked about my “spiritual goals” or awkward questions about my ex, or worse, seeing her there and having to speak to her. If I hang out with my non-religious friends they’ll start to think that Party Peter is back, and I don’t want to give them the wrong impression.

So summer, if you’re listening, please postpone your flight. I’m not ready.

 

Who The Hell Was That Guy?

Have you ever sat down and thought about your past? Maybe it’s random and you’re not really trying to think about it, but you think back to the person you were in the past. Like for example, the things you did and the people who you used to spend your time with. All the places you used to go with them or even the places you planned on going, but never actually did. All those crazy nights and all the drinking. I do, and I regret it.

 

I look back at part of my past and ask myself, who the hell was that guy? I swear I don’t know him. If anyone would tell me or remind me about the crazy stuff I did last year I wouldn’t believe them. And it was last year!

 

But why? In today’s society being loud and crazy is the new normal. Being outrageous and spontaneous is something that people expect from you. If you’re not, then you are considered weird or even antisocial. But I’m finished with that lifestyle.

 

The thing that scares me though, is that my past might come back and haunt me, or is startinng to. That’s why sometimes I wish I could close those tabs, erase the past off my life like pencil on paper, or delete the pictures I have and with that too some how delete those moments. But no matter how hard I try to forget the things I did and said, I still did them, I still said them, and they are out there. Some day they will arise and I will have to explain myself. I will have to find the correct words to describe what was going on inside my head.

 

At the end of last year I started a new life. A cleaner more honest life. I am happy, I like it and I want to continue in it. But sometimes its hard thinking back to when I was a different person. The things that I did and said back then I wouldn’t even think about them today.

 

But they haunt me. I guess the moral of the story is, make sure that the things you do now, aren’t things you will regret later. Or even the things that you say, those things get engraved in people’s hearts. And they will be quick to throw it back at your face. “Oh, but that one time you said,”  is what they’ll say. And what will you tell them?

 

The Truth.

Skull

Party animal.

That’s one of the ways you can describe me. Or should I say that’s one of the ways I want to be described?

This weekend I watched Christopher Robin. Yes I’m a little kid at heart. It almost made me cry. I loved it. I remember watching the cartoons and the movies when I was young. The one I loved the most was Pooh’s grand adventure. Christopher Robin leaves Pooh and note that he’s going to school but he leaves it stuck to a honey pot that the words get smudged and Pooh’s friend end up thinking it says skull, and that’s where the adventure starts as they set out to bring back Christopher from Skull.

Saturday I finally showed a friend this blog. I think she’s been reading some of my posts, you guys will get to know here as Queenlynn. As I told her about my blog I really was thinking if I should just tell everyone else? Should they know what I wrote about them? Should they know what goes on in my head? What I’ve been trough? I’m going to give it more thinking and then decide.

On a different note, I met this guy on Grindr who I’ve gone to the movies before. We turned out good friends and asked if I wanted to go clubbing. I of course said yes. We saw a drag show and then after danced until two in the morning. I got to meet his friend. They seem pretty cool and I swear they make the cutest type of combination as friends.

The club was awesome and I really liked the vibe. There were more people than last time. I danced all the way until they shut it down. Then we chilled at my car till I sobered up before hitting a fast food place because we were hungry. Then I hit my bed.

I woke up maybe three hours later and headed to LA with a friend to buy a suit for a wedding I will be one of the grooms men in. I’m excited to be honest. I’ve never been anything important at a wedding so this is exciting. Plus I’ve been going to a lot of get togethers where they have had dance music and I’ve been loving that.

I was tired as hell but it was really worth it. This weekend went by way too fast but it was amazing at the same time. I need to slow down though. I haven’t had a weekend to myself for the last three months and I need to gather my thoughts.

There Was Alcohol And Shit Hit The Fam

Last week I went to a birthday party. One of my friends said it was going to be small but it wasn’t. Nothing but small. I saw people from high school, people I didn’t know, and people from my old job. Some people sure I was happy to see and reconnect with but forgets I didn’t even turn on their direction.

That’s not the point though. The point is that’s there was alcohol and shit hit the fan. I was hanging out with a couple of my favorite friends, or the usual group I hang out with. Yes, we were drinking and there were shots and mixed drinks and all that fun stuff to pass the time. For me as long as you having fun and not causing trouble sure drink up.

But then, there always has to be a but then doesn’t there? Well, one of my friends and I went it the bathroom. Lest call her Mona. Mona and I were in the bathroom when we got a text from Jenna (yeah we’ll call my other friend Jenna). She was informing us that our other friends (married couple) were arguing and fighting and that we should come back. So we hurried up and went back and sure enough they were.

The wife was crying while pushing away from her husband and we were just there trying to walk to our seats through the thick awkwardness. We had never seen them like that. They had always been that couple that wouldn’t stop showing how in love they were. And now? They were that couple that gets drunk and fights at parties.

We decided it was time to leave. So we left and we left hungry. We pulled up to a McDonald’s and ordered food. I was with the husband and the girls had gone in another car. When the husband went to the other car he left behind a bottle of vodka he had stolen from the party. Not only that, he started to piss behind my other friends car. His wife surely felt really embarrassed.

We got our food and sat outside our cares in the parking lot once again. This time he started through it all his trash on the floor and around the parking lot. I had to clean it all up just so they wouldn’t call the cops on us. He thought it was the most hilarious thing on the planet. That’s when I called it a night.

Anyways now knowing this mini back story, let me inform you that I’ll be going tot the beach for my birthday this Friday. The same friends were going. I told them I don’t want alcohol at the beach because things might get out of hand. They were all fine with it. Then he said he’d take his stash. No I don’t want weed there either. So then he was kind of upset but he still said that it was ok.

The next day he texted everyone in the group text that he wanted mimosas. I clearly told him no alcohol. Why was he asking again? Was this a joke to him? I had a gut feeling that if I didn’t tell him something he would smuggle in some drinks and pull them out later and there would be nothing I could do at that point.

So I texted him that if he couldn’t handle not having alcohol at the beach then maybe he shouldn’t go. Superarlo he took that in the worst way possible and left our group chat and also removed me from all social media.

So when something doesn’t go your way you just block them out of your life? That’s real mature dude.

That’s enough drama for now. But there will be more.

Innocent Faithful Christian

I went to a party yesterday.

I’m not a party person but I really like the Birthday girl. She’s one of my closest friends. I got to see a lot of people that went to high school with us. She’s really popular so she knows almost half of our city.

The thing about it is, living a double life. Sure I had the time of my life yesterday. But I’m worried about the pictures taken. Who will see them? Will any of my church companions know of the party?

I go to this church where they have strict rules on everything. They live their lives by the Bible. And even though I love God sometimes I am not able to abide by all his rules, and I recognize that.

So I’ve lived my life in two worlds. One, where I’m an Innocent faithful Christian. The other, where I do as I please and live my life to the fullest.

Where and when will this all end? Will things catch up to me? Will someone catch up to the lies?

I know deep down inside I will have to chose a side. I will have to pick what life I want to actually live. And I know doing so many people will be disappointed. That’s just the way it is.