A Letter To My Past Lovers

I was thinking about moving on with my life. In order to do so I have to say goodbye to what once was and be great full that I went through it and take with me what I have learned. I know that sounds super cheesy, but it is what it is. Basically its just Ariana Grande’s song Thank You, Next, in written in a letter.

 

Dear past Lovers,

I wanted to take some time to talk to you. To let you know, that I am who I am in part, because of you. A lot of people can say that who they date or love does not influence the person that they are. They say that they are still true to themselves. I believe that, to a certain extent. We are all influenced, some more than others. I learned a lot from all of you, and I want you to know.

My first lover, my very first lover. I never thought I would have anyone else after you. I remember I wanted you so bad. Why? Because I was influenced by others that I had to? Maybe. But in the end, I really did love you. When it was over I cried so much. I saw the end coming for the longest time but yet still hoped we would make it through, but we didn’t. We’re not even friends anymore, we lost touch, but I’m thinking that it was for the best. I learned so much thanks to you. I learned that someone can love me. It’s possible. Thanks to you. I learned that distance is a cruel enemy and it can’t be trusted.

To my other lovers, I never really cared for you. I need to say that. If I did maybe I would have stayed. Or maybe I have commitment issues, but that’s for another day. I did like all of you. I really did. I tried my best to be happy. But thanks to you time after time I have learned that, happiness does not come from having someone by your side. It does not come from being someone else’s. It comes from your own being, and then after , only after, you share that with the person you love.

Lovers, you have also taught me how far I am willing to go for what I feel love is. I always wanted to be loved, but I never really loved myself. You have taught me to love myself before someone else. How can some one be loved if they do not love themselves?

My last almost lover, you are the one that has taught me the most, but at the same time the one who has left me the most confused. Before you, I thought I knew who I was. Before you I thought I had it all figured out, I never thought I would go in the direction you took me. It left me messed up, dazed, confused. I would do it all over again. Without a doubt. I almost loved you. Almost. I was falling hard. But before I hit the ground I caught myself, picked myself up, and I walked away. I couldn’t take it. You taught me a lot. You showed me how controlling I can be, how needy I am. And before, that would have terrified me, but now, I accept that.

To all of you, thank you for being in my life. I really enjoyed the time we spent with each other. To be completely honest, if I had the chance to do everything all over again, I would. But I wouldn’t change that many things. Maybe some, but I would still want you in my life, at least for that very brief of a second that you were.

 

With much love,

Peter.

I Can’t Be Who I Am…

Forgiveness.

I feel like I’ve talked about this on my blog before. It’s that important that I have to talk about it again. To me it’s one of the most important aspects in life. It’s great for whose forgiving and for who ever is being forgiven.

On Monday I saw a friend I hadn’t seen in over eight months. I blocked and deleted her off my social media after trying to compare me to her boyfriend and her other friends. One thing that I’ve always disliked is comparisons between people.

During this time, I wasn’t the best type of friend. It was the summer for me and only me. I was “finding myself”. But I didn’t see that what I was actually doing was losing who I was and getting further away from who I should have been.

I lost track of her. I didn’t know about her other then what other friends we had in common would tell me. The amount of resent I had towards her had grown so much to a point where, even hearing about her mother passing away, I didn’t think of reconnecting with her. I didn’t even answer her calls. It’s not ok but I can admit that now.

Until recently I came to realize that I can’t be who I am running away from people. I can’t be who I am not being able to forgive them, let alone ask for forgiveness. Was I at fault for leaving her behind? Maybe not. But I reached out because that was the correct thing to do. I didn’t expect us to be best friends again, that’s not what I wanted. We live very different worlds now, all I wanted was us to be better. For my conscious to be clean and her heart to be ok.

We had a good talk, her and I. I apologized for not being there. I told her I was sorry about her mom. Being so close to my own mom I saw how much of a jerk I was for not being there, thinking about losing my mom is out of the picture for me.

Talking to her won’t make is best friends again, I’m not really sure if it will make us friends. But to be honest, that’s not what I was looking for. I was looking to close that door. To not have it in the back of my mind. And now that it has closed I can move on and so can she.

Who The Hell Was That Guy?

Have you ever sat down and thought about your past? Maybe it’s random and you’re not really trying to think about it, but you think back to the person you were in the past. Like for example, the things you did and the people who you used to spend your time with. All the places you used to go with them or even the places you planned on going, but never actually did. All those crazy nights and all the drinking. I do, and I regret it.

 

I look back at part of my past and ask myself, who the hell was that guy? I swear I don’t know him. If anyone would tell me or remind me about the crazy stuff I did last year I wouldn’t believe them. And it was last year!

 

But why? In today’s society being loud and crazy is the new normal. Being outrageous and spontaneous is something that people expect from you. If you’re not, then you are considered weird or even antisocial. But I’m finished with that lifestyle.

 

The thing that scares me though, is that my past might come back and haunt me, or is startinng to. That’s why sometimes I wish I could close those tabs, erase the past off my life like pencil on paper, or delete the pictures I have and with that too some how delete those moments. But no matter how hard I try to forget the things I did and said, I still did them, I still said them, and they are out there. Some day they will arise and I will have to explain myself. I will have to find the correct words to describe what was going on inside my head.

 

At the end of last year I started a new life. A cleaner more honest life. I am happy, I like it and I want to continue in it. But sometimes its hard thinking back to when I was a different person. The things that I did and said back then I wouldn’t even think about them today.

 

But they haunt me. I guess the moral of the story is, make sure that the things you do now, aren’t things you will regret later. Or even the things that you say, those things get engraved in people’s hearts. And they will be quick to throw it back at your face. “Oh, but that one time you said,”  is what they’ll say. And what will you tell them?

 

The Truth.

The Way Of The World

Two years ago I decided to leave behind my sinful ways and abide by my religion completely. I was committed, I was strong, and I cut everyone from my life who did not believe the same things I did. I lived a more biblical life.

Because I did it that way it soon failed and I returned to what we call the way of the world. I was also living a double life. Why? Because I love both of them so much. Friends from church just as well friends that had no connection to the church.

A few months ago a friend asked me what I was going I do. Eventually I had to chose one life more than the other . At the time I was nieve. I was full of myself and I thought that I could do both. But that’s not the way life works. And if you try it, it’s a nasty fall, both sides would have ended up hating me.

Until recently I had an epiphany. Religion will always be a part of me. Weather I like it or not. Not because anyone is forcing me, but because it’s in my heart and I love it subconsciously. I knew this for a fact when I found myself conversing and debating biblical facts with a friend.

He was trying to say something that I knew from experience wasn’t true. He had a miss understanding. But I thought I was out there hating religion, why was I right there and then defending it? Because I care for it. And I will always have an inclination towards it.

I told my friends what I was thinking. I had an overwhelming well response. They all told me they support me. They will love me no matter what I do and chose. That’s how I knew I had real friends.

This is a new journey. I’m scared that my past will haunt me, but I will own it and move along.