Not Human

I am very well at expressing my emotions. If I am happy you will definitely know that I am. If I am sad, with no doubt that will show on my face and the way I carry myself. Even possibly it will show in the way I walk.

Now, my question is, how do some people walk around this world faking all of their expressions and emotions? Hiding their emotions like its a dirty stain on their shirt that they don’t want anyone to see. Sweeping it under the wrong where no one can see them but everyone can step on them?

But then, late at night. That’s when they let it out. When they are alone. When the pressure is to much and their shoulders are tired of caring a facade all day. Is that healthy? Is that ok? I mean yes, my emotional state of mine brings me problems once in a while but I’d rather let it all out then hold it all in, if that makes any sense.

One of my friends texted in in the middle of the night with some words of concern, or at least I thought. But then soon in the day when I asked him about it, he told me “never mind”. Oh, ok, sure. I’m sorry I bothered you with my friendship. It must have been a typo what you wrote, did you forget to put your filter on at night? That something actually real came out of your mouth?

Are some people like that? Do they not like to talk to the people they most trust? Honestly yes, I do feel that way some times. But not to the fullest extent. I don’t want to reveal what I feel. But then there are times when you wont be able to shut me up. I’m an emotional wreck, but it’s ok we’ve learned to love that about me right? (LOL).

I’ve noticed though that there are some people I know that I wonder if they are even humans. They show no sign of emotion, sympathy, or anything close to acting like a regular person would. They walk around acting like the rest of us, they live their lives just as a regular person would, and they even have “connections” with people in their inner circles. If you didn’t take time to pay attention they might even seem like regular people. But they’re not. They can’t be.

The one thing that’s missing is, emotion. There is none. They act like they are supposed to if I tell them something sad. They try their best to show compassion, but lets be real, I know its all fake. I know they hide something behind that cheesey smile.

Or maybe its just me? Most likely.


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Animosity

Humans are really difficult.

 

We all have different ways of expressing our emotions and sometimes we don’t know how to decipher everyone else’s.

 

For instance there has been many times that I am left on read (for the older audience that means that I send someone a message and they do not reply, but yet they have seen the message), its not a good feeling and sometimes my mind wonders why they did that? Did they not want to talk to me? Are they tired of me? Do they even like me? None of these things are probably true but that is what my brain is trained to do because I have allowed it to .

 

Another example of how difficult humans can be is that sometimes they do things that you don’t even understand. Take for example my friends, about six of us were set on getting together yesterday to eat some sushi at this fancy place everyone is talking about. Did we? No. Why? Because 90% of them canceled , so it was only me and another friend.

 

Why they canceled last minute and decide it was ok, I have no clue. But this is where I get to my point, as complicated and as difficult as humans can sometimes be, is it up to us to judge or even get mad at why they do the things they do? Maybe they has a rough day and wish to not speak to any one, or maybe they just aren’t in the mood even if nothing did happened to them.

 

I forgave my friends for canceling, and I feel that we need a little more of that in this world. Every once in a while I hear, “well maybe if she wouldn’t have done that we would still be friends.” Ok, true, but maybe if you would have just forgiven her you guys would still be friends. (Depending on what she did to but I mean if you really want someone to stick around and they want to be there and ask for forgiveness why not give them a second chance?) There is so much animosity towards everyone today and it needs to stop.

Big Talk

I was looking back the other day on how far I have come. Not in the sense of success but in the sense of growth. Growth as a person.

I remember not too long ago I hated parties. Just the thought of going to one made my back shiver and gave me goosebumps all over my body. The thought of interacting with people I have never me just drove me crazy. I would ask myself, why would anyone talk to someone they don’t already know?

 

But, in reality we have all have talked to someone we don’t know. That’s the only way you got to meet the people you know very well now. You know them very well now, but at one point or another you never did. And now you talk to them not even remembering how terrified you were of starting the conversation in the beginning.

I guess what I am trying to say is how much I have changed. In this world, you really can’t be antisocial. Please, don’t get me wrong, I always get those doubts like, will they like me? What if I say something I wasn’t supposed to say? What if we have nothing to talk about? Will they want to be my friends? Will they think I’m weird? And about a million other questions always run through my mind.

 

But it’s the way I answer those questions that really gives me confidence. First, who cares what people say? Sure, you do, but if you are looking for their approval are they really that worth it? It reminds me of college frats. You must go through all these hoops and humiliating things just to join the club? Hell no! Be in a group that is accepting that will invite you to be part of them, if they don’t want you then they are missing out on one great person.

Second, there’s always that awkward silence when you first meet someone. You either don’t know what to say or you don’t want to say something that will upset them. Ok, well if you go back to the previous paragraph we literally just said “who cares” right? So, if we think like that this will take some pressure off. Ask them anything! Enough with the weather bullshit, we all know that its hot and its cold and global warming and shit, let’s talk about where you grew up, why you are the person whom you are today, what are your goals and dreams in this life? If you had one day left to live what would you do? No more small talk lets big talk!

I have learned that connecting with people and seeing that really everyone has fears and aspirations it has helped me come out of my shell. Sure, I’m not going to go talking to everyone I meet but if someone wants to talk and connect then yes, I’m all for it. And I know if I can do it, so can you.

Do They Know Me?

The concept of actually knowing some one makes my little brain flutter with emotions.

How do you know someone? Sure, you know there favorite color, favorite foods, the things that make them happy, and even the things that they hate. But these are just things that you know of them, not necessarily them, themselves.

I know a lot of people. Well better said, I know of a lot of people. I know many things about them. Through the course of years I’ve gotten to know more and more about them. They too have grown to know of me. But do they know me?

Do they know me? No. They know the me that I let them see. They know the person I want them to see. The person they want me to be. Why? To keep them? To make them happy? To not cause any confrontations? The answer to all of these may possibly be yes.

I would like someone, at least one person, to get to know me. Not of me. Not my favorite color, nor food, or anything that describes me. I want them to know me.

Trust 2.0

In the years I have being an adult I have found that you can’t trust anyone. You can’t trust your companions, your friends, and sometimes you can’t even trust yourself.

Why is that? Why do some of us trust so easily? Oh thank you for opening the door for me, now let me tell you about my first heart break.

I don’t tend to just throw around my trust. But when I do get to meet someone that seems to understand me and see who I am, then I feel like I can trust them with secrets. I go all in. I don’t hold back. If I see in you that I can trust you, then you better be prepared.

But then again, if you break that trust. It’s down hill. I will not be able to trust as easily as I had before. What changed? Why would you betray me? How could you hurt us like that.

Trust is a huge thing. Some people have it some people don’t. Some people care for it, others just smile and nod them go off and stab you in the back.

The question is, which one are you?