I ate a burger today, I cried while eating it and I’m not sorry about it.
I went to see my dogs today, I took them food and also gave them a bath. It was nice to see them. I talked to my brother for a bit which was nice. We caught up on what’s going on with this “transition”, if you will. My mother told him that he was not to talk to me once they announce to the whole congregation that I am no longer a Jehovah Witness. They don’t announce the reason, but I’m sure in due time everyone will know.
I don’t know when that will be, but I know it will be soon. The procedure is to contact me and ask me if I want to repent or change my mind, if I did I would still be shunned until I showed that I really regretted what I did. But, since I will not change my mind, I will be expelled from the church. They haven’t contacted me, and if I am honest, I don’t know if they ever will. They tend to do what ever they want anyways.
My brother informed me that our mom doesn’t want my dogs there anymore. I don’t know what to do about that. I would like to bring them here but I don’t want to cause any issues with my boyfriends mom. She has a dog already and I don’t want there to be any issue with the dogs that will lead to all of us having issues with each other.
So, that’s why I was sad. I still am if I’m honest. I feel bad that my brother has to deal with all this, and I’m frustrated that my dogs are getting involved in it too, they’re dogs and they don’t know what is going on. I miss them and they miss me.
My soul is crushed. I feel broken. As if a part of me was no more. Memories consume me. Pictures bring me to tears. I knew this day would come eventually but not this soon.
When I got home from work this evening my mom was waiting for me sitting patiently. It seemed weird to me but she acted normal. I thought she was just hot and wanted to be closer to the AC. I sat next to her and listened to how her day had gone. How some friends come to visit her and gave her advice. One of her friends had cancer. I was glad she could help my mom with her experience and how she handled everything.
After I told my mom how my day went she told me she had news that were rather sad. She didn’t know how I was going to react. I didn’t either. I was scared nonetheless. Then she said it. My dog past away. It was like my world had sunken. Like water levels had drastically risen and were were submerged and fighting for our last breaths. I didn’t understand. I ran outside. I had to see for myself. It must have been a lie, it had to be a lie, but it wasn’t.
He laid there motionless. My best friend. The only one who was and had always been there for me. The one who was always eager to lend a ear. The one who was always happy to see me. The one I knew I could trust in. Ten years of my life we had spent together. Through the good and the bad.
And now that was all gone. He was gone. No more. I was crushed. Heartbroken. I stood there trying not to cry. trying to act mature. But with everything else going on and now this? It was nearing impossible. How do you lose a friend and not cry? How do you go through one of the hardest months in your life and not cry?
Maybe a pets death wouldn’t make some one cry like I did. But I was like a strong glass at a wedding toast that took a beating with a silver spoon. And as it continued the glass cracked ever so slightly. Each hit was less then before but the glass cracked more and more because it was becoming fragile with every hit. Until the spoon won. It was my tip of the iceberg, the last hit.
I will miss you. You were the best friend I ever had. You came into my life when I was young and needed someone to lean on. You became my friend and then soon family, to not only me but my brother and mother. I grew up with you. I’m going to miss seeing you. I’m going to miss playing with you. I’m going to miss the way you jumped up and down when you heard the bag of dog food. I’m going to miss when I would go away for a couple of hours and returned to your warm and happy trot. I’m going to miss coming home and you being the first thing I saw.
I’m sorry we didn’t get to have more time with each other. I’m sorry I didn’t treat you better. Sorry I didn’t spoil you more. Sorry I didn’t give you more of my love. I’m sorry I didn’t give you the best life. I’m sorry life was this short for you. I will always remember you.
In the loving memory of Bongo. You will be missed, rest in peace in doggy heaven.