Warning Signs

Do you ever see a warning sign that says “Don’t touch this, this is EXTREMELY hot. YOU WILL BE BURNED“? And think to yourself, hmm I wonder if that’s actually true, let me go ahead and just place one finger on it. Obviously, if you have a brain, and you know how to use it, you’re going to listen to the warning sign, right?

Well, tell me why I still didn’t. I have been taking anti anxiety pills for about four months now. They have helped, which is great. But just like every medications for what ever it is you need to take them for, they come with warning signs that you should probably pat attention to. I mean they were put there for a reason right? The doctors didn’t just decide it would be funny to put “Don’t drive while on this” as a joke on sleeping pill bottles. Of course if you have common sense you wouldn’t even need to be reminded of that, but hence, they put it on there because someone probably did it anyways.

So, going back to the point I steered away from. My pills specifically said not to drink with alcohol. I’m not going to swallow a pill down with a Bud Light either, I know that. And since I am a human in his early 20’s that likes to have some fun sometimes I didn’t listen to that warning said.

Well, if you want to get technical, I did. I wouldn’t take my pills on the weekends when I knew I was going to drink. Then again, that’s basically breaking another rule which involves taking the pills everyday and not having any gaps in between. There’s no winning here.

Moving on, this took a toll on me as I noticed my anxiety coming back very strong. I have tried to learn how to cope with it, because lets be honest, who wants to be on pills all their lives right? But, sometimes I just can’t. And with everything going on, sometimes its just hard.

I told my boyfriend I need to quit the drinking for a bit or a while. He knows about my anxiety and he is very supportive. He said he would stop drinking as well, which is really sweet of him. We need to save it all up for New Years anyways.

So far its been two weeks since I stopped drinking and I even feel a little better, body wise. I think I was even gaining weight from all the drinking.

Moral of the story, listen to the warning signs, and don’t try to find loop holes because in the end you’re just going to hurt yourself, a different way, but still hurt yourself.

My Friend

I have a friend, he’s been going though a lot lately. He’s been up to so much and he feels like he’s running in a race and everything is moving so fast he just can’t keep up. This friend a good person, at least to my understanding. He has done no wrong and no harm to anyone.

This friend told me what he’s going through. He said that he loves his job, he loves his family, his friends are cool. But life is just not treating him fairly. I asked him why he felt that way when everything seemed to be going well for him. He just said that seemed was the word to stand out in that sentence.

I told this friend to let it all out. He said he couldn’t. He said his friends wouldn’t know how to help him. He said his friends love him but wouldn’t understand what’s going on. He also told me he doesn’t want to make everyone feel down about his problems when they also have problems.

My friend told me he loves his family, and that’s why he’s working two jobs. He wants to save up for the rainy day that he knows is in its way. I told him to breathe and take it easy. He said he did, but that didn’t really help much. I asked him to tell me the honest truth, he did, and it scared me.

I told him that everything should get better, that it didn’t have to stay that way, he told me he doesn’t see it happening. I reminded him of all the good things he’s done and the things he has overcome, he agreed that those things have made him stronger but yet those things have also warn him done a bit.

I talked to him since our last chat. He sounds better. I asked him what changed? He said he didn’t know. He just felt different. Could it be something isn’t ok with him? Could it be he has some sort of disorder? I didn’t ask him but the way I looked at him he new what I was thinking.

As I pressed my hand on the bathroom mirror I looked into my friends eyes and told him with all sincerity that everything was going to be ok.

48 Hours 

             In the past 48 hours I have cried, laughed, and puked my guts out. It’s been really difficult. I never thought it would be this hard. I can only imagine what my mother must be feeling. This is at the same time devastating but at the same time it’s good that it has happened. 

             We woke up yesterday more nervous than I had ever been in my life. I almost had to talk myself into believing that what was going on was actually a reality and not just another fucked up screwed up dream. I kept thinking to myself, maybe this isn’t what’s supposed to happen. And it’s not. No one should ever go through this, and I’m sorry if you have. I understand and I feel your pain. I, myself, had never felt anything like this before. 


             Watching my mom lay on the hospital bed crushed my soul. I felt scratching and tearing in my throat like a bear clawing it’s way out of it’s cave from hibernation. Like a big ball of fire. I wanted to push all the nurses away and yell at them that what they were doing was wrong, she couldn’t go through this. 


            Once she was given something to relax she felt better. If only I would have been givin something similar. She was so relaxed because she even fell asleep. But she was still in a state of consciousness, because when I saw her like that so peaceful and sound asleep, I started to cry, and she said, “it’s going to be ok”. Which made me cry even harder. 

            How could something like this happen to a person like her? How could this happen to anyone?  She didn’t deserve to pass though this. No one actually does. It’s so humiliating. But the nurses and the doctor were so kind which made verything feel way better. But I couldn’t hold it in any longer. All the tears came flying out like bullets patiently awaiting to be propelled by the pull of the trigger.

              I was with her for about three hours before she had to go into the surgery. I didn’t want to leave her side. I almost ran back and asked if they were sure we weren’t dreaming. Maybe it had been a mistake? But it was real, and it felt so real. It’s still does. Because it is. Once I stepped out to the lobby I saw all our friends there. 

             If I would have stayed there I would have cried to death in front of them, and I had to be strong for my brother, and also for me. So I went outside. Got some food and came back to thank them once I had gotten it all together. Their heart warming words almost tore me apart. They were nice but they kept reminding me how unfair life was. 

            Then, about two hours later, I got called that she had come out and everything was fine. I almost ran to the recovery room. The nurses that were there were also very supportive. Reassuring me that everything turned out great and she was going to be fine. I told everyone else and they were happy to hear that just as I. 

            They took her to her room. Where we sat together for an hour before she decided she was ready for visits. Then they came, brought her a nice card, and some roses. I thought that was really thoughtful. But it’s what you always do right? I just wasn’t waiting for it. 



           We told the nurse if we could stay, my brother, my friend (Gabriel), and his aunt, who is out neighbor over night. The nurse said it would be a problem. The night gave us more highs and lows. I couldn’t stand seeing my mom in pain and not being able to do anything. The nurse was very kind and was always asking if she needed more medicine. 

             Once we got through the night she felt better in the morning. We went out to eat around 8 AM. When we came back I had a killer migraine. Then I started feeling nausea. I had eaten a salad. But soon it had came back shooting straight back out. Went to a pharmacy next door to get pain pills and they worked for the headache but I still puked some later on. . 

             She was released around 2:30pm today. The drive back was excruciating because every little bump in the road was like hell for her. Once she was settled in her bed, I took Gabriel home and headed for her pills. I had to wait an hour but I got the chance to buy her hand sanitizer and a neck pillow. Also a cute little stuffed dog. 


            Now, we are on the road to recovery. I’m glad the surgery is over but I hate seeing my mom like this. She is a strong, independent, caring, innocent, loving, kind, warmhearted woman who has done the impossible to raise me and my brother. She will get through this. She will get better, and she will be better. Because she is my mom. And I know she can do the impossible.