Another Surgery

My mom just got home from surgery today. I know, another surgery. This will be the third surgery within three years. I shouldn’t complain because there are people out there that go through way more surgeries than this, and props to them, but I still see first hand the effects that it does on my mom, and its challenging.

She is brave though, I’ll tell you that. She walks in hospitals like its just another walk in the park. Like its just another thing she added to her to do list on that day. I really hope that this will be the last one. She needs a break from them. The human body wasn’t made to be opened up every once in a while, or at all actually.

She’s doing well. Still coming out of the anesthesia. The surgery she had today wasn’t too big. It was two hours or a little longer I think. They had to fix some scar tissue and damaged tissue from her last surgery.

Her last surgery about a year ago was a major ten hour surgery which involved tissue replacement and removal from a part of her stomach to her breasts, since the previous year she had her breast removed to do breast cancer. Last years surgery also involved moving some blood vessels, which is not an easy task for any doctor, seeing as they are complex things caring the very thing your body needs to function, blood

The only down side to all this (which yes, I will sound selfish for a bit but hear me out), is that people form her church will want to come visit her and “give their support”, aka tell her how blessed she is to be alive. Don’t get me wrong, yes I’m happy she is alive and well, its the meaning behind their words that I question, or their reasoning as to why they believe what they believe. 

Since they will be coming to visit I will have to be in contact with them. I haven’t seen any one from church for more than three months now, almost going on to four. I can’t just go hide in my room and pretend that I’m not home. I am civil still.

The thing is, will they ask what I have been up to? Will they even want to know what I have been doing with my life? Will they tell me that I should go back? That they “miss me”? What will I tell them? I want to be honest but I still want to be disrespectful. I believe that you can still keep your integrity without hurting other people, even though sometimes people will take your words and turn them into something that you really never even said, but that is on them at that point.

I hate how this was about my mother and I just went on to turn it around and make it all about me. Isn’t that funny?

Anyways, my mom is doing well for now and that is all that matters.

Game Plan

Ok, so I have a game plan (I think).

 

Yesterday I had what someone would call an epiphany. But what do I call it? I call it a wake up call from my stupidity. I am fat. Lets just get straight to the point here. Don’t sit there and tell me other wise, because you can’t see me, and honestly that’s a good thing. You should be grateful. You should pray to God or what ever you do and feel blessed you can’t see aaaall this.

Also, don’t come at me with the whole, you should love yourself just the way you are BS. Because, I do. I do love myself. That’s why I always buy myself food and please my taste buds like I do. Its not that I care what other people say either because I high key don’t anymore. But at the same time I don’t want to look like a fat pig either you know?

Ok, all physical appearances aside, lets talk about the health side of this. I get heartburn maybe about seven times a day. That’s not ok because it means I’m harboring battery acid in my stomach or something and it needs to stop. ASAP. I am buying about 30$ worth of anti acids a month and that money can be going to something else. Plus, I’m constantly weak. I get tired so fast, I have no endurance what so ever. I tried to pick up some cardboard today at work and I needed to sit down and meditate afterwards because I felt like I was about to get a hemorrhoid or pull a muscle.

So what am I going to do? Well, after researching and coming to the horrid conclusion that I can not afford any type of surgery, I have decided that I have to take this matter into my own hands. No, I will not be preforming surgery on myself, silly goose. I will be, ugh, dare I say it… “eating healthy and exercising.”

I know that the first step is the hardest. So, what I have made is a list. A list of things that I will not eat. I didn’t go all hardcore on it either or else I might go crazy and bite a live cow or something. I also told my self that I will be going walking every single day for two weeks straight. Just to see if I see a change. I REALLY WANT TO SEE A CHANGE. I’ll take it slow the first couple of days (because I am slow). And I will try my best to keep it up.

I live in So Cal (that’s California, us hipsters call it that ….hahah..ha). So technically it’s summer here already. Summer started the last time it rained. Its been an average of 75 degrees this whole week. Its only going to get hotter and I want to be able to show off my rockin’ hot bod. “But, Peter! You should feel comfortable in your own skin,” you said. You’re right. And I do, but I’m an attention whore not really but yeah and I want to be complimented, so there’s that.


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Stay Strong Mom

I woke up fifteen minutes before 4 AM in the morning. No alarm, no one woke me up. It was just the sensation that something was different.

My brother has been working night shifts and I am his ride, I have to pick him up at 4:30. Every morning everyday before I go to work. He usually calls me when I have to pick him up, today I was already awake and coming back from Starbucks. I needed coffee, let me rephrase that, I needed sugar.

Once my brother was home and said his goodbyes to my mother we drove to the hospital where her reconstruction surgery was going to take place. She was nervous I could tell. I was calm, at least that’s what I gave off in appearance.

We registered and got her admitted and soon we were speaking to the nurses and doctors regarding the surgery and the procedures. They explained what and how they were going to do it (again), it was pretty raw and gruesome, but that’s the way doctors should be.

Pretty soon I said good bye and watched her get wheeled away and taken. I had a minor flash back of last year when she had her mastectomy. Last year I was in a terrible place. I’m ok admitting that now.

Now I’m in a better place. Nonetheless, I do have emotions, and it is terrifying just being in a hospital in general. I am from Hispanic decent and if you have ever watched a Spanish soap opera, nothing good comes from hospital nurses mouths.

But I can’t think like that. A nurse updated me and said that everything is going well. No issues, just time. A lot of time left. I’ve been getting a lot of support from friends through social media.

I know they care, but is it wrong for me to ignore them? I need space. I need to focus. I need to center myself. With everyone asking and wishing for the best and saying it’s going to be ok is really overwhelming. It kind of screams at me hey your mom is in a intensive surgery that may or may not end her life ! But good luck!

This is not pushing people away. This is me getting myself together before I explode in front of them. I’m not one to break down in front of people, that’s not really my style. I collect myself and move on. If everyone is worried who’s gonna keep me sane?

Anyway I’m rambling now, I continue to hope and pray that the surgery is a success and that everything goes fine. I am nervous but not as much, I love my mom and losing her would be the worst possible thing in the world.

Stay strong mom. I love you.

My Face Reflects Calmness And Peace

It is oficial. My mother’s reconstruction Breast surgery will be the 21st of this month. As happy I am for her I am also really scared.

We met with the surgeons and anesthesiologist who will be in the operating room the day of the surgery. They explained everything that they will be doing, the risks, and the benefits of the surgery.

Basically they will be taking part of the stomach tissue along with a vein or artery and be placing it where her breast was once at. To do so they have to remove a rib to get an artery connection.

This surgery will take about ten hours. If all goes well she will be in the hospital under intensive care for three to five days. Then she will be released and be in bed rest for about a month.

Some of the risks include; the artistes getting clogged up, a hernia, and losing too much blood causing death.

But we are optimistic. Well at least my mom is. I’m staying to say string for her but at the same time I’m screaming on the inside. I’m crying and throwing things around. My mind is one of the worst hurricanes in human history. But my face reflects calmes and peace.

She is strong. I am strong. I have never met anyone in my life as strong as my mother. Her faith moves me. Her strength makes me continue. Her live fuels me. She is one of the greatest people I’ve ever met. I hope to never forget that.

Surgery

We have another life decision to make. Well, my mom does.

It’s time for her reconstruction surgery. We saw the doctor and he gave us two options of what she can chose to do.

The first one is the most common. Breast implants. It’s the usual surgery of implanting silicone bags where the breast used to be. There are not too many complications. The only down side is she would be needing to change the bags every 10 years or so, as it is recommended.

The other option, the one that frightens me, is having part of her own fat transferred from the stomach or another part of the body, to her breast.

This one has more complications. It involves the doctors removing fat and arteries from a part of her body and putting it the place where her old breast used to be. This surgery is 8-10 hour surgery and she would need to be under intensive care since it involves arteries.

The second one scares me the most since the surgery lasts so long and the fact that something can go wrong with the veins and such is what scares me the most. But it seems that this is the one she is leaning towards the most.

She explained that even though its so long and there are risks, once its all over it will be over, and it will be part of  her body. The implants she will have to replace every two years and her body might not take them well.

What made her even more confident is that the doctor told her that she was a great candidate for the fat transfer. Hearing this also made me feel better about that surgery but over all its her decisions and she will do what she thinks is  best for her.