Yesterday I had the worst head ache I think known to man. I was thinking about so many things. Work, love, life, friends, and religion.
Let us start with religion. My life has always revolved around it. Every single thing I would do I had to think if it was appropriate for me to do and if it would make others mad or upset them. (Others as in the people in my religion). I never actually asked my self if God would be mad, isn’t that funny?
With that being said, I have been living that way for way too long. I didn’t know I was walking on this path that I am now, but as I look at the months that have passed I see how I took the right turns to get to where I am.
Let me explain. I am not happy. Why? Religion. I liked some parts of it. But others I couldn’t. I am in a religion that does not and will not just only take half of you or part of you. I remember someone at church saying, “your either fully committed here or your on the out side and you’re on of our enemies.”
That’s a great thing to say to someone who’s confused right? I have been messed up so bad because of it. All this time I have lost because I was someone I didn’t want to be to please others. Just because I say that doesn’t mean I regret it. No, I love my mom and I am happy I gave her a little of what she wanted me to be. I don’t care what anyone says.
But the time is now. I’m not sure if its the time, my supportive friends, the new guy I’m talking to, the church using me, Taylor’s new song (have you heard?), or something else. It’s time to make ME happy.
As you all have known, Jehovah Witness are known to go knocking on peoples doors almost every day. Yes, I was one of them. I stopped doing that back in March. It took courage to stop, believe me. Its not something you can just stop doing, no. You will get harassed by the ‘Elders’ of the congregation, or even other members. You will get calls, text messages. They will go to your home and read you bible texts and give you reasons on why you need to do as they say you have to. If you tell them you’re not home or they can’t reach you, they will hunt you down at church and ask you to stay so they can “give you advice” but its only them just criticizing you for not doing what they expect from you. So yes, it was hard.
Nonetheless, I stopped going and after taking the harassment they laid off for a bit. I still went to church twice a week like I have always done. Out of respect for my mom. There is something I believe in, but I’m not sure if I have found it yet.
That was step one. Step two was to dissociate with my church friends. Do I miss them? Sure, from time to time, they are humans after all and we did have history and good times together. But I have just recently learned that I can not be friends with someone who will not take me as I am, I’m done changing for people. I am myself. At first they were worried, I understand. But now? Where are the worried texts and the missed calls? Have they just forgotten so easily? I hope that is the case.
The step that I am now on is not going to church at all. That’s right. I’m not going to go anymore. Why should I? I don’t have a good time there, no one talks to me. As soon as its over I get up and leave as fast as I can. You tell me if that’s what church is supposed to be like, and if it is by all means, you go.
I’m going to side tract now. I was talking to a friend yesterday about coming out. I know it will not be easy for me. I have this unusual great amount of love and respect for my mother. I know that she will always love me, I am her son after all. So why have I not yet came out?
Many reasons. I wont hold back I’ll tell you. One of them is knowing that my mom will never speak to me again. Not because she doesn’t want to, I know she loves me. But all Jehovah Witnesses are taught that when a person is no longer part of the ‘organization’ you have to go out of your way to not speak to them, you have to shun them out of your life completely as they do not exist anymore. If you are ever caught having communication with them you will be talked to and if done again, you will end up with the same type of treatment. And this is and I quote “to keep peace and cleanliness in the congregation. ”
I remember when I was little and one of my cousins got pregnant at the age of 16. Her family is also in the religion. She was kicked out of her own house and told to never come back for having sexual relations before marriage. No one was allowed to speak to her, she was only let back into everyone’s life when she spoke to the elders and told them that she regretted it all from the bottom of her heart.
The reason they do this is because their philosophy is that you will come back to the church after you realize you can’t live without your family in your life. It’s a total mind fuck. Manipulative to a whole new level. I know. Why do you think I an such a mess?
This story brings me to my other reason. The being kicked out. Where would I go? And now that I am soon to be unemployed? Who wants a damaged, poor, messed up 25 year old? If you know anyone who does let me know.
I know I have friends that will help me with what they can , but I don’t want to test a friendship like that.
The last reason is that I only have a work permit to be in this country. I have been here since I was 2 years old. Did I chose to come here? No. I do not know any where else other than here. I don’t know why that is even a concern on this subject but it is. What will I do the day the government decides that they don’t want to keep renewing it ? What will be of me?
As the days go by, it is getting easier to breathe though. I am scared. I am terrified. But at least I am smiling for myself now, and not for others.