This Person I Am, Who Is That?

I am bipolar.

No, its not written on a paper, I was not tested, and I haven’t seen anyone that actually has a degree to be telling me this. But I know I am. Either that or something else (I know I’ve gone over this before, which only proves my point). All I know is that something is not working correctly up there, its always malfunctioning, always pulling me in the wrong direction, and it needs to stop. These highs and lows, these lies I tell people and myself. This person I am, who is that?

 

I feel like I’m trapped inside a bubble, but get this, every single time I’m bursting my way out, every single time I think I am finally free from it, every single time I do the impossible to make it out of it alive… I stop. I, turn around, and find refuge in it.

If that didn’t make sense (because I’m literally just spitting my thoughts on the keyboard with my fingers), picture this;

You are running in the woods, dark and damp. It has just rained, again. You run and run. You can’t even remember why you are running any more, so you stop. You breathe, the trees are nice. The birds are chirping, and you tell yourself, “you know, maybe I am over reacting. It’s not all bad.” That’s when you hear it. The loudest growl you have ever heard. Every time you hear it, it gets louder, and meaner. Your heart starts to pound and you feel the sweat on your forehead start to drip into your eyes making them sting and water. Before you take off running you look back and you see it. Huge, mean, big teeth, sharp claws, heavy feet crumbling everything that gets in its way. Branches cracking and logs being shoved, the birds burst into the clouds in the skies because even though they are high in the tress and out of reach from this thing, they still fear it. That’s when you remember what you were running away from.

You start to run again, and you finally escape, just like you always do. It’s a cycle that never stops. But then, this time you stop running. You stand your ground and come face to face with this creature. You look into its mesmerizing, beautiful, glowing eyes. You touch its softer than soft fur. You notice that those sharp teeth shine an ear to ear with a genuine smile. You feel the warm embrace of a nice hug and you feel like you are home again. The birds return with a lovely melody only they can sing,  and the rays of the sun kiss your skin welcoming you back to bliss. You are ok. Everything is fine. And then you feel the sharp pain on your arms reminding you why you were running once again, as It’s sharp claws come up to strike once again, you take off. And the cycle continues.

 

That is how I feel. I don’t know of any other way to describe it. I don’t even know if it made any sense. I don’t know what to do about it. And honestly, it is getting way to repetitive in my opinion.

 


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Cat Stuck In A Tree

Can a medical professional, someone who has studied the human brain, or has at least some sort of wisdom about why I am socially awkward, tell me why?

Let me explain before everyone starts yelling at me that I’m crazy, (don’t worry you don’t need to), I already know.

I was laying in bed the other day, just breathing. Just laying there not even thinking of anything. Then, suddenly, like a real life movie, I started thinking. (I know dangerous). What was I thinking about? I’m glad you asked, thank you, you’re so kind, lets be friends?

So it was the day after my church had a park picnic. I didn’t go. Why? Because I freaked out and wimped the hell out. Is that normal? Like, I know the people there. I have been knowing them for years. They’re not mean, they’re not bad. They’re actually cool people. So why didn’t I go?

That’s a real question. I don’t have an answer to that one. But I’m trying to figure it out. This happens often. Do I mind it? I mean I’m not missing out on much to be honest, its not like I wanted to go in the first place, but still my friends were there, texting me, asking me where I was. Mean while I was at home watching Netflix and living the life of a King… alone.

I look back at last year and ask myself how I did all the things that I did. I’m like, dam, who is that dude? Who was that you know? I was so social, outgoing, fun! I was kissing random people in clubs, grinding, and dancing all over the dance floor like no one was watching. Just thinking about it gives me anxiety now.

I’ve talked about this before. I have these roller coaster highs and lows of my social-ness (is that a word? You get what I mean). I don’t understand why though.

The thing is that I am like a cat stuck in a tree. I’m up there. Stuck. Can’t get down. Then when someone tries to help me all I do is hiss at them. (OK, that actually made me laugh so hard, I literally pictured myself in a tree hissing at people, hahaha, I’m so lame).

man_in_tree

 

As I’m writing this I remember something that helped me break my social walls. Alcohol. Now that I remember correctly. Before any social gathering, I’d take at least one shot. To loosen up. Soon it became two. I didn’t tell anyone. No one noticed. But I see now that, that’s the actual reason why I was so outgoing.

I remember I was trying to be more “out there”. But it’s scary out there. For me at least. So what did I do? I got goose and got loose. It helped. It worked . But at what cost? What if I wouldn’t have stopped? What if I had kept going and it became a habit? As it almost did? Where would I be now?

It’s crazy how one thought can lead to another thought which will lead you to another one. This post is mainly me talking, speaking, and just letting my thoughts free. That’s why there’s no structure (I mean there never is but still). Main points: I know I have something maybe anxiety. Alcohol: helps. Is it the answer? No.


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If You Want To Jump, I’ll Jump With You

I am a free, walking, on the go psychiatrist. There is no need to give me money or even ask for a way to compensate me because I am free.

 

That’s what people think. First of all, I am no where near a psychiatrist. Second, I don’t have no knowledge what so ever regarding anything basically. And third, my life is already screwed up as it is to be dealing with other peoples baggage or crap.

 

But what do people do? Well, they still go ahead and pull up a chair and willingly spill out all their demons for me to hear. Ok, maybe its my fault. I am really nice, and I have been told I am a great listener. Which is very true. I like listening to people, But I also like to communicate with them as well. Like a game of catch you know? You throw the ball back and forth. That’s how a good conversation should go.

Today, one of my coworkers that I have known for a while was telling me about all her troubles. Since we were at work she didn’t express herself just how she wanted to but I could see that all she wanted to do at that moment is cry out of frustration. I’ve been there before and girl let me tell you, I had no one. Wish I had but at the same time not, because eww, no one needs to see me crying.

I felt bad that I couldn’t do anything to help her (like c’mon, I do have a heart here). But at the same time she got herself in the hole she is drowning in. Look, I’m not the best for all the motivational crap stuff, don’t get me wrong I love to hear it, I just don’t know how to share it and pump some up or get them to move away from the cliff. My best motivational advice would be “if you want to jump I’ll jump with you.” Hell, to be completely honest I’d probably end up jumping first.

Today though, I was hit by the Motivational Spirit God. Let me tell you why. I told my coworker that even though it seemed like her world was going to be over, it was only a part of her life that she was currently living. And just like those happy moments she had in the past that ended, these tough times were also going to end.

WOW, I know right? What did I  have for breakfast today? I also told her to not give up. Giving up is one of the worst things we can do, and even though its the easiest thing and the option that is right there at our grasp, its not the right one. She smiled at me and proceeded to do what she had to do. In my  opinion those words I said deserved a hug, but that’s neither here nor there.

In the end, what I’m trying to get at is that I am always there to listen to people. And even though sometimes I get tired of their problems it does make me see that I am not the only one. We are all going through crap and it smells really bad. You know what we have to do? Help each other out bro! Sometimes, and I have noticed this in myself, when you help other people while you have problems you feel way better. Sure, you may not be able to take them away but at least you helped them see a brighter better edited picture, you know?

If I’m not making any sense, I’m sorry. Just go help someone feel better. OK? That’s basically it. Even if its you. Go smile in the mirror. Tell yourself you did a good job today. Look, you made it. You’re alive and breathing. You are unstoppable and I believe in you.

Gee, you know what?I just might change my “profession” from free psychiatrist to motivational speaker.


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