Day 2

I don’t know if I can say that I have been feeling any better than I did on the first day. It has only been two days since I came out, even though it feels like both years ago and just yesterday at the same time.

I told a couple of my close friends what was going on and they have been really supportive. I do have very loving friends and they care about me a lot and it makes me feel really special and loved.

I still have some things that I left back at my moms house. I don’t know when or if I will ever go pick them up. I have my dogs there, I would love to bring them here with me but as the situation looks right now I think they’re better off over there.

I still need to get used to living somewhere else. It feels odd. Nothing is mine and I feel as if I’m intruding on someones personal space. I don’t like to be a burden either. But I guess its something that with time I will have to get used to. I’m with my boyfriend so it shouldn’t feel as though I am with a stranger anyways. Although, everything right now seems super strange.

Yesterday I almost didn’t do any schoolwork. I was to tired. So today I have to go at it hard. There are only about 3 weeks left until I get my certificate of completion. My job said they wouldn’t make me full time but I’m good with the part time for now.

One step at a time. I’m not any better than I was before, but I am OK.

Relationship Plans

If you haven’t seen it yet you will, “new year new me” or even the “new decade new me” that’s going around on social media right now.

To be honest I’ve always hated that. Yes, if you’re going to better yourself go ahead but don’t blame the year that you didn’t achieve your goals, blame your bad decision making skills and don’t feel bad about it, we’re all human and we all make mistakes. It’s part of life and it’s part of growing. Just be sure to learn from them and don’t repeat them.

With that being said, me and my boyfriend talked about where we want our relationship to go this year. Our goals and our plans.

One of our similar goals is moving in together by at least the end of the year. I know that’s a big step and I have only dated him for a short time but when you know you know right? And it’s a plan for the end of the year not next Tuesday.

One of his goals is to pay off some things he needs to pay off. Not a big deal, and I truly wish him the best in bettering himself and fixing what he needs to fix.

One of my goals is coming out to my family. I know, it’s a big one. But I can’t just move in with him without telling my mom. I mean I can, but what am I going to say? I’m moving in with a friend? No, I just don’t want to do that.

We also talked about marriage. It’s a huge step to be talking about in a new relationship like ours but if you don’t talk about it where is your relationship going? Are you dating just for fun? Or where do you want It to go?

I wouldn’t mind getting married to him, that’s actually what I want. I really love this guy and he’s been good to me so far, he makes me really happy and he says I do as well. So if marriage is on the table then I guess we’ll be eating.

We talked about other things, where we would live, how we would live, working, and a lot of other stuff. It was honestly really cute and it gave me a sense of security, this guy really loves me, and it seems like he wants to spend the rest of his life with me, isn’t that sweet?

Maybe I’m just a hopeless romantic (which I am) but this is going really great, and I really hope it stays that way.

Here To Stay

I am a flip flopper. Better said I was?

My boyfriend told me recently that he is really scared that I will go back to my former religion. He said that living with my mother who is still in it will make me want to go back. He thinks that some of my former friends that are in that religion will find a way to convince me to return and drop everything I have with him.

Why does he feel this way? Because it has happened before. It has happened so many times I can’t count them all.

I will be living my life and then I’ll just drop everything and go back to the “religion” because I feel guilty. When I was dating him last year I did the same thing. I talked to him for about a month, and then I told him that I had to stop talking to him for religions reasons. But gladly we found our way back to each other after a year.

This is what scares him. Me leaving again, now that we have an established relationship and its honestly going great, he’s scared one day I’ll just up and leave.

There’s nothing I can do or say that will make him change his way of thinking. He feels that way because that’s what he knows and I can’t blame him or be mad at him for thinking that way. He’s allowed to.

All I can do is show him how committed I am to him. Show him that I am here to stay. I know for a fact that I don’t want to go back to the place I was in, but who’s to say that mentality will or wont change? It’s crazy for me to even think that I would return. I can’t even imagine it. But crazy shit happens all the time, doesn’t it?

Nothing is for certain in this life, nothing. Not even the love he says he has for me.

I Forget To Take Care Of Myself

So I have a problem.

It may be a self induced problem that I brought on to myself, but nonetheless, it’s still a problem.

I’ve noticed a pattern in myself. A pattern that I didn’t know I had. Something that is actually not supposed to be a problem but it usually turns out to be one in the long run.

Usually in what ever relationship I’m in, weather that being friends, family, dating, or even class mates, I am always the one giving 1000%.

I’m always the one going out of my way for ‘X’ person. In the moment and time I don’t care, I’ll do what ever they want. Why? Because in my head I figure they will return the favor in my head or maybe they’ll appreciate me the way I appreciate them. Or sometimes not even that, I just genuinely want to help them.

There’s been times where I’ve put people even before myself. I’ve been so altruistic that I’ve put their needs before mine, forgetting that I am human too and that I need to love myself. Im so concerned for how others are doing and feeling that I lose myself. I forget to take care of me.

I’m very giving, emotionally. I’m always there for my friends when they need a shoulder to cry on. I’m always there when they need something from me. I’m always the first one to bite the bullet.

I don’t want this part of me to ruin what I have with this wonderful guy I’m dating now. He treats me well, he seems to care about me, he says he loves me, so why the fuck am I complaining?

It’s a battle with myself. Should I tell him that I feel as though I am the one that’s trying the most in this relationship? If I do he might be upset or feel a different way towards me. If I don’t then I’ll just have to suck up these feelings and be a ‘big boy’ about it.

I need affection, attention, and love. I thought by giving that out as much as I could I would get it in return, but not everyone is like that. And I don’t want to change him, but would that be changing him? Telling him if he can be more sweeter? More romantic? Who am I to demand these things? I don’t want to make him feel as though I’m not happy, because I am. He makes me happy, but why do I desire more?

These feelings have always affected me. I hate feeling unappreciated, and most of the time people don’t even notice, because they shouldn’t honestly. I feel like it’s just me.

Why do I need more that what I already have?

Cheating

I have talked about this before, so its not something new, if you don’t remember what I said about cheating or think that my opinions are new read this to refresh your memory —-> Its Not Cheating, It’s Just Sex.

With that being said, I am no one to judge someone who has cheated on their partner. I am not saying I approve it, but I am not anyone’s dad to scold them if they do either. Its your life, do what you want, I’ll give you my opinion if you ask for it, but don’t get mad if its not what you want to hear. Your actions your consequences.

I understand why people cheat. Trust me I do. I get it, you’re not happy, you don’t like your partner any more, something is not going right in the relationship. Or maybe the love that your partner once gave you is coming from a different place and it just honestly feels good. Who doesn’t want to be appreciated?

But why not communicate that to the person you are with? If they can’t compromise with you, or at least try, maybe they don’t love you as much either. Maybe you shouldn’t be with them.

I know many people have many opinions about cheating, I’m not saying mine is right or that there even is a correct one. I have known people that have cheated but have worked it out with who they were with.

I don’t know if I could continue with any one that would cheat on me. I am too paranoid as it is already, I am too emotional, and I waer my hurt on my shirt like a brand logo.

My boyfriends opinion is that ‘everyone has needs’. He only said it once when his friends brought up cheating. I do want to ask him what he meant by that, but I also don’t want him to think I am paranoid, even though this whole paragraph makes me look like I am, so I guess I am, and what?

I want to ask him what he means. How he feels about cheaters, if he ever would, I mean I know you cant predict the future and you can say and swear that you would never, but still, the mentality that you have now is a pretty strong indication. I just need the reassurance that he wont. It scares me that if he says that everyone has needs he might think its ok if its sex and be inclined to do it in the future.

Would you forgive a cheater?

I’ve heard people say that they would if all they did was have sex, because its just sex. They say that if there was an emotional bond it would be different. I just don’t even want to be placed in a situation like that.

Maybe I shouldn’t even think about it, but with everyone doing it, it scares me.

I Hope Life Treats You Kind

It’s over.

It finally happened.

 

Yesterday my Ex and I finally had the talk. I had been planning all week how to talk to her and I wanted to be as soft as I could but also tell her how I was feeling. She did the same.

She got mad that I got tattoos yesterday which is how everything started. She got mad who I got the tattoos with. She doesn’t like my friends, she thinks they’re turning me into Satan’s child. It came to a point where I told her that if she was unhappy with the way I  was living my life and who I surrounded myself with, then she shouldn’t be in a relationship.

She ended up giving back every little thing that I ever gave her. Notes, balloons, cards, even the mini fridge I gave her for her new place. She didn’t want anything that had to do with me anymore, not because she hated me, but because she wanted to move on from this. She doesn’t want to be reminded with those things of what we had.

That’s cool. This is basically what I wanted, (as cruel as it may sound), and even though it is what I wanted, her presence will still be missed. We ended on really good terms. No fighting, no evil stares, and we even hugged at the end. We’re friends now. We’ll check up on each other from time to time. I have no hard feelings for her and she doesn’t towards me either.

I really want her to be happy. I want her to find someone that will do all the things she needs them to do, and actually like doing them. Someone who thinks that the cult they are in is an actual religion. Someone who will love her the way she deserves to be loved, because she is a great person.

And I want to be happy too. I want to find someone who likes the things I like. Someone who wants to go places I want to go and celebrate holidays like I want to celebrate them. I’m not saying I want an identical twin, no. But at least some things that we can bond over would be nice.

 

I don’t feel sad. I feel like another chapter in my life is closing and a new one is about to begin. Things happen for a reason and it’s up to us to find the bright side in things because life’s job is to challenge us into thinking there isn’t one. But there is.

There always is.

I Am Not That Person

I have to break up with my girlfriend.

There, I said it. I feel like we all saw this coming. I even saw it coming. (I have a lot of things to say regarding this so hang in there).

First I feel really stupid thinking that something like this could work. I don’t even know if the word stupid fits the right feeling I have over the subject. It’s more of a ohmygod why did you do this to you and her?. That’s more of what I feel. I don’t remember the reason I even got back with her. I fell like all the reasons I have are very superficially over the surface. I was in a bad place, I was leaving a cult and I was damaged. Of course I needed someone.

I can see that she isn’t happy. We went out to the park for a walk yesterday which we talked mainly about how she doesn’t like how our relationship is at the moment. She said she feels really unhappy. I’m fine. I have no issues. Why does she feel the way that she does? Well, first because I am not in the same religion that she is in. Second because I don’t go to the parties that those same people in that religion usually put on. She feels lonely when she goes. There is a huge trust issue that she has which I think she inherited from her father. She gets anxious when I go out with my friends. Since my friends are also not in her religion she “hates them” and she also believes that they are the ones that have pulled me away from “God”. She thinks that it is because of them that I left.

I asked why she was with me if she was feeling this way. I want her to be happy, if by being with me isn’t going to make her happy she shouldn’t be with me. I told her, go find someone that believes the same things you do, go find someone that likes the same things you do, someone who will be in that cult with you and wont have any issues with it.

She said she likes me too much to let me go. I get that. If I were to lose her again I’d miss her, but like I said, I want her to be happy. I know that being with me she wont be. Plus, I want to be happy too. I don’t want to be nagged or feel uncomfortable that I’m hanging out with my friends. I want to go out and do stuff and not feel like I have to report to someone every single minute. Then there is my whole sexuality coming in the picture again, I just don’t think that I am attracted to her that way anymore. Which begs to question why was I back then? What was it that made me want her? Because now I don’t.

Yes, I understand what being in a relationship means. But I have repeatedly told her that I will not go back to the religion she is part of. I want nothing to do with it. I’m done.

And as bad as it sounds I’m over her. I like her as a person, she’s amazing don’t get me wrong. But she just isn’t for me. The spark isn’t there anymore and I don’t want to ignite it again. I have tried. I know who she is and I know her worth. And she deserves someone who will and can give her everything she needs.

I am not that person.

Taking The Horse To The Water

Yesterday was a day, let me tell you.

My girlfriend had been acting weird all weekend. Well, not weird per say, different. Have you ever been so close to someone that you even know what tone of voice they text in? That you pick up real quick when they aren’t texting how they usually text. Well, yeah, her tone in voice changed while we messaged each other over the weekend. I really didn’t know what was going on until she told me she needed to talk to me.

At first it was pretty normal. Ok, not normal. She said she felt alone. I tried to understand her since she did move into a new place away from her family all on her own. I have been going over almost every single day after she was off work, if we didn’t see each other then we would go out to eat. So I was trying to understand why she felt that way. But that wasn’t the actual reason as to why she was feeling that way.

There was a get together for her church (Jehovah Witness) on Saturday. One of the members is moving and they made her a little going away party. I knew about it since my mom went also. I was invited to go by my GF because she said that it wasn’t religion related and she knows I don’t want any part of it. But still. everyone there formed part of the religion I didn’t want to be part of, not to mention all the question I would get since of my recent disappearance from that organization.

What was bothering her? She said she felt lonely there because I wasn’t there by her side. She explained to me how nice it would have been if we could have spent all that time together with everyone else. She said she didn’t want to be married and be at church by herself, that she didn’t want me to be sitting on the couch saying “take care” as she left for church every Sunday. Then I finally understood why she felt the way she felt.

I knew this was going to be an issue from the very beginning. Religion. God Dammit. For reals. Before we decided to get back together I specifically told her that I wasn’t gong to go back to the religion. I told her that I didn’t want any part of it, and if she still wanted to be with me than that was cool but she was the one that was going to suffer if she thought other wise.

I told her that she was allowed to feel that way. Her feelings are super valid, I’m not saying shes wrong. But she can not put the blame on me leading her on or thinking that by being with her I was going to go back. I also told her that if that’s the way she thought that this was not going to work out.

I can’t be the person she wants/needs me to be. She wants someone to pray with her, she wants someone to be as spiritual and close to God as her, but that is not me. I told her that, that person is gone. He was never real, and being that person hurt me so much. I feel so good right now. I have no reason to go back. Why would I go back to a place where all I felt was pressure and manipulation, not to mention how used I always felt.

I was very transparent when we first talked about getting back together. I really like her. Aside from being super religious shes one of the most humble, noble, and beautiful girls I have ever met. Of course I want to be with her. But I also want her to be happy, and if I can’t provide what she is looking for then she has to suffer a minor heartbreak now so then later in life she can find some one who can give her what she really wants.

Because there is no way I am going back to that religion. I know that I change my mind a lot, I know that I go back on a lot of things that I say. And maybe one day I will go back, who knows? But right now, at this moment, I can even say that for the rest of the year, I have no plans of going back.

In the end, after I told her all that I could, she said that she still wanted to be with me. But she was still going to nudge me to go back. That’s fair. If that’s what she wants to do that’s find. But like I told her, you can’t make anyone believe anything you believe if they don’t want to believe it.

You can take the horse to the water, but you can’t make him drink. Shit, you can fucking bring the water to the horse, you still can’t make him drink.

Playing With Fire

It’s been a couple of wild weeks. I haven’t had anytime to sit down and notice where I am. I’ve been running and running down a path that I didn’t notice all the signs I was passing.

I am happy. Happy sounds too good to be true. I am content. No, I am ok. Yeah that feels more right. If I were to be content I’d have all of my debts paid. If I were to be happy then I’d be sippin something sweet at a beach with more than 10 digits in my bank account.

But nonetheless, I am here and I am ok.

For now.

See what I did there.

I’ve been texting my ex on and off. I’m trying to get my feelings together before I make any brash decisions. I like her. I like her a lot. I don’t like the religion she is a part of, and that I once was. But I like her. She makes me feel something, something inside of me. In my stomach, then my heart.

I know I like her and want to be with her because there is no validation that I need from anyone any more. From who? Church friends? Nope, they don’t talk to me. Other church goers? Nope, I haven’t seen them in months. My mom? She actually doesn’t want to get involved in this. And my non religious friends? Well, some wouldn’t care. Some would. But it’s my decision. I always end up doing what I want anyways.

Today she texted me saying that she had to say something that she’s been holding back.

After I was done reading what she had wrote I was on the verge of tears. God. What have I done? What did I do? Did I make such an impact on this one person to want me this bad she is willing to to leave everything behind just for me?

What do I do?

I have to be careful.

I’m now playing with Fire.

Like Old Times

Don’t you hate it when you make up your mind on something, you are (or you think you are) sure about the way you feel, and then something happens and then bam! You’re like, oh, ok. I didn’t know that was lodged up in there like that, thanks heart. Next thing you know you’re flooded with all these emotions all these feelings you thought you were over with. But they’re there, they’re real.


I saw my ex girlfriend today. I texted her on Wednesday that I needed to see her. I’m not really sure what came over me that I needed to speak to her. I needed to tell her what was going on. I needed her to move on from what ever it is she was still feeling for me. Just like I thought I had.

When I saw her today. When I saw her walk in through the door. I couldn’t help but smile. I couldn’t help but think of all the good times we had together. I couldn’t help but think of how she smelled, how she laughed, how she felt when she wrapped her arms around me.

She is beautiful. Like a warm and calming sunset.

She sat down. I immediately wanted to hold her hands like old times. It was like an instinct. I had to stop myself.

She smiled back at me like nothing ever happened. As if I hadn’t broken her heart. As if I was still her hero. As if she didn’t cry every night because we weren’t together.

We talked. Almost for two hours. It felt like 20 minutes. I told her how I felt. I told her I didn’t think this religion was for me. I told her why. I told her everything except about my sexuality.

I held that in. Like the dirty clothes you hide away from visitors. How can I tell her something I don’t even know myself? I told her I was very confused. I told her I didn’t know who I was supposed to be.

I have millions of people telling me to be someone and other millions telling me to be someone else. I can’t even hear my thoughts.

She said she understood what I was trying to say. She said it was ok for me to feel that way. My feelings are valid. I can feel this way.

I missed her. I really missed her.

The way her curly hair fell effortlessly on her shoulders. The way she smiled at my lame dad jokes. The way her eyes stood on mine when we talked.

We hugged when we left. It was a hug that we both needed.

I don’t know what I want. I don’t know who I am anymore. What I am. I am trying to be the happiest I can be. But this shit it hard.

We said we would keep in touch. I like that. I don’t want her out of my life.

I want to be with her.

There.

I said it.