I finally had true courage to end this relationship. I’m not sure if it even was a relationship. What ever it was, it’s over.
How do I feel? A little better. But I’m not going to lie here, I do feel a little upset. Some what sad even. I really wanted this to work and I honestly thought it was going to work. We were going to be the best power couple of 2019. But no, it failed. It ended. It’s over.
It’s all her dads fault. Let’s not sugar coat the truth. He got in the way and we let him. He never let her go out, too over protective. What was I going to do or her? I believe myself to be one of the most respectful people I know. I have morals, I have common sense. But sometimes that’s not enough is it?
She cried. Her beautiful cry. Sweet tears dripping down her tan face. Her eyes staring at me in disbelief of what I was saying. I felt terrible. Why would I hurt her like that? What do I hurt people like that? I almost didn’t do it. I almost stopped myself and told me that we could work it out. We could change and make it better . But then I remember how I feel when she can never go out, when I can’t talk to her, all because of her parents.
In the end we shook hands. Like a smooth business deal. Like a deal we made, something that we came to terms with each other. Just like that.
Or better said, let me tell you how awful what ever this thing I have with this one girl is. Is it a relationship? She’s grown but her parents don’t let her do anything. Religion involved? Nope, none. Religion has nothing to do with it. Her dad is just something that I can’t put in words.
We were going to hang out this weekend after not hanging out or spending time with each other after maybe almost a month. She told her father a week before and then he decides to make a BBQ on and at the same time we were going to go out.
God I hate him. I don’t like him. At all. Can you tell? I don’t want to deal with him, I didn’t. So I didn’t go. Now my girlfriend is all sad and what not because of it. I don’t care. I don’t care about anything involving her anymore.
I just want this to end. I want it over. This relationship has only hurt me more than anything else. More then make me happy. I’ve cried buckets, I’ve been in agony. All this leading to a point of feeling absolutely nothing.
If the situation was different. If her dad wasn’t such an A hole. If she has more liberty. Maybe if she even showed a little more interest in me. But no. This has to end before it ends me.
Why do you give yourself to people you know will end up hurting you in the end? Why do you instill all your trust in them as if they had a good reason to have it?
Why do you sit there and cry over things that maybe don’t have any meaning behind. You over think things and make them worse.
Then you come to find out it’s not even what you were thinking about. Why? Why do you do that?
Why do you hurt yourself? Is it for fun or to numb the feelings that you feel inside? Maybe it’s to just pass the time. Why do you hide that hurt like it’s something to be ashamed of?
You’re not ok, why do you bother? Get help. Wait, they don’t help. They’ve tried but it’s not enough. What is enough? Why do you make excuses? Just do it. It’s honestly really annoying. Time after time you always say you’re doing great then randomly say you have anxiety.
Attention is what you seek. Let’s be real. Everyone can see it. It’s written all over your face. You say all you want is love but what you seek is something else.
You need to stop expressing yourself like that. No one wants to hear it anyway. They’re just being nice.
Another relationship you burst into flames because your gasoline tears smothered the foundation of that relationship. I think your bipolar. You shouldn’t date, just stay alone. At least that way you can say it’s by choice and not that your exes say you’re hard to deal with.
But any who, who am I to advise. I’m the same way.
I have been MIA for a while now. Looking back at some of my post I forgot how good it felt to write. Better said, I forgot how good it felt to let my feelings out. So many things have happened in the lifespan of two or so months. For a short summary I can say that I now have a girlfriend, I am more religious than I once was, or have ever been, and also I have left a lot of toxic friendships in the past.
I should explain the girlfriend part. I know, it even sounds weird when I say it myself, so it must sound out of this world reading it from your point of view. How could you possibly have a girlfriend when last year all you did was brag about sleeping with men? I asked myself that question many times. So, what is my sexual orientation? I don’t even think I know now. But I do know that I very much am fond of a girl at the moment and I very do much enjoy being with her. For the least part, its been a few complicated years with my sexuality to say the least. But that’s for another day.
As for Religion. I am content. I think I hated my religion for long enough and this time instead of running away from the questions I had, I set my mind on looking for the answers. When some of them weren’t being answered to my satisfaction I did not stop, it only fueled my curiosity and it did take a while for me to find them. If you don’t believe in God I don’t blame you. You have many reasons not to. I had many reasons to hate Him. But that doesn’t mean I just stopped. I kept looking, and you should too. If you are in a religion, or you believe something and ask a question, one which they can’t answer, something is not right, I say look for the answer yourself, investigate. Don’t stop. Don’t quit. Most important don’t let go of yourfaith.
As for my friends, well I loved them to death. But in true honesty they weren’t doing me any good. Going out and spending money every week, doing thinds for no reason, I didn’t find a purpose for that. I asked myself if being around them actually made me happy. The answer was no. I felt drained. I felt as if I was the punching bag to everyone’s life. I gave them the best advice they never took. Not to mention our beliefs had changed as well. We slowly stopped having things in common. So we drifted apart. I haven’t seen them in more than three months now. Do I miss them? Just a little. Doesn’t mean I don’t have any friends. I gave my church friend a second chance after things with us got stale, and to be completely honest, I’ve never had a better friend than him. There are one or two friends I still talk to that do not share the same beliefs I do, but that’s ok. There is a certain level of understanding between us I will always cherish and hold near to my heart.
As for this blog, I miss it. I really do. I miss just ranting in general without anyone to interrupt me or roll their eyes at me. I remember when I first started this blog, I wanted it to be a place where I could speak my mind and talk freely. I would like to get back to that.
Friendship is like a piece of paper. It’s nice when it’s new. The possibilities are endless to what you can write. It’s a blank canvas of endless adventures and excitement. It’s clean, untouched, and unbothered. Sometimes it almost feels like there is no ending.
But, crumble that paper up in a ball. Or grab a pen and pierce the paper fiercely with anger. Wet it and throw it around some. Step on it. Make little cuts along the edges.
Now, try to unfold it. Try to make it as flat and as smooth as it once was. Try to make it new again. Try to read the words that were once on that paper now filled with holes. Is it still wet? Is it sticking to itself? Are the blue lines that separated sentences blurred and hard to tell apart? Is it a struggle just figure out what to do with the paper? Is there anything else that can be done to save it or is it just a lost cause?
In the same way, friendship can go through so many challenges and in the end it will never be a clean piece of paper. It’s fragile, damaged, barley holding together, and it’s hard to make out what once was. Will it ever be the same once it has gone through so many obstacles? All the mistrust, hate, deceiving, lying, and deception?
That’s the ugly part of friendship. Tell me, is it really worth it, to keep this friendship alive?