26 Soon

My birthday is less then a week away.

Last year my birthday was epic. I loved every single moment of it and I wouldn’t trade it for the world. I think it was the best birthday by far that I have ever had. I went to the beach with some of my closest friends. Then we went home got changed and went to my favorite club, where I got to dance with more friends of mine that joined us later.

What will this year be like? I’m not sure, this year my birthday lands on a Monday so I doubt that I will be able to celebrate anything on the day of. I’ve never been one to celebrate every single birthday anyways. I grew up in a religion where it was almost as bad as committing murder to do so.

But now I feel like there is no need to celebrate it. Maybe I have just gotten old? Or maybe it is the vibe of everything? I just really don’t care about it honestly, I don’t have an emotional connection with birthdays like most people do.

My boyfriend did say we should do something though, which was nice of him. He kind of picked the whole thing, but I’m fine with that. We’re going to a beach getaway a week after my birthday. It’s actually the 4th of July weekend. Which in part makes it feel less like my birthday, but I digress.

Well, I will be 26 soon, what should I expect? Half of the year will be over by the time I turn 26 and it hasn’t been the greatest of time, hopefully the rest of it can lighten up a bit, I know it sounds really optimistic to think so but I feel like that’s what we need.

Feeling Better.

I just came back from going “home”.

It was nice to see my dogs, I’m not very sure if they missed me at all though, they seemed very underwhelmed.

My mom was there but she didn’t speak to me or even acknowledge my presence. Most of the time that I was there she stayed in the kitchen cooking. I didn’t bother to say hi or try to speak to her, I know it wouldn’t have turned out ok.

It was nice catching up with my brother though. I enjoyed the brief moment we had. He told me what my mom has done. Shes told the “elders” in the congregation about me. They told her that they saw it coming somehow. He also informed me that she got into a small dispute with the neighbor (who is also a Jehovah’s Witness) because she didn’t tell my mom that she thought I was gay.

I don’t know when I’ll see my mom, or even if I will see her ever again. Who knows. But I’m glad I was able to feel better, even thought I hate to say so.

 

Sinking In

It has been a little over a week since I left home for coming out. I think it barley sunk in yesterday, though I still don’t feel as if I am at “home”.

I can say that I am feeling a little home sick though. I miss my dogs, I miss my bed, I miss a lot of things I used to do when I was alone and I could. But now things are different and even thought my boyfriends house doesn’t feel strange anymore it still doesn’t feel like home. Maybe soon it will.

Today I have to go back home and change some bills over to my brother since I no longer live there. I also have to pick up somethings that I left behind because my car was already to full when I left the first time.

I have been thinking about how it will be seeing my mom after all this. I doubt she will come out of her room or even acknowledge my presence. I know her and I know how she is and what she stands for so its pretty obvious to me how shes going to be. I just hope its easy for me.

. . .

Empty, hollow, lifeless.

Those were the words I used to describe how I felt yesterday to a friend. I was numb, my body didn’t even know what was going on, and everything felt foreign. Even while I was unpacking my things at my boyfriends house it didn’t seem real. It felt like when you go on vacation and it doesn’t feel like home but at the same time you know your’re going to be sleeping there for the mean time.

*************

I got home from work yesterday and that’s when it all started. My mom asked the questions and I answered them. Did I try to defend myself when she was saying things? Did I try to justify my reasons for being gay? Did I try to make her understand? No. I just sat there, for what felt like years, while she said things I will probably never be able to let go.

Every word she said, some how hurt less and less until I just couldn’t feel any more. For a second I almost believe her, and part of me kind of still does.

“Pack your things and leave.”

The one who gave me life, the one who raised me to be the person I am now, the one person I thought I would never lose, I lost. The people that have told tell me that one day she will reach out, one day she will change her point of view. And I do appreciate all the kind words that they say, and how optimistic they seem. But they don’t understand, this woman, the woman who hasn’t had a relationship with her own sisters for more than 20 years because they are not in the same religion, this woman who lives and breathes what the Bible says, this woman, will not take me back.

I will never be able to sit down and have a pleasant conversation with her again. I will never be able to laugh with her again. I wont be able to be around her. She wont be in my life.

I would have loved to be one of those people that say, “well if she doesn’t love me for me then I don’t need her in my life”. But I am not. I love my mom. I will always even if she doesn’t accept me. She raised me by herself and did a great job. I could never complain about her.

This is the only thing that changed things. Maybe if she would have been a terrible mother then this would have been easy. But she wasn’t.

It started to hit me when I dropped my brother off at work. We talked a bit before he went in. Before then I hadn’t cried. Then when I saw him leave it all hit me like a bus. When will I see him? How will my mom treat him knowing that he knew this whole time? How will he cope with her being like that and me being gone?

I told him to please stay in touch. He said he would. And I hope with everything that I have that he wont have it too bad. And I hope that my mom can get over this. I know she wont accept me. I know. But I don’t want her to be hurting.

I don’t know when I will stop crying. But I want it to be soon because my eyes feel like I’m crying melted glass instead of tears.

Is That Guy You Have Been Talking to Gay?

I’m coming out to my mom today.

***********************

This past weekend was the first weekend I got to spend time with my boyfriend since the whole quarantine situation started. I have been Face Timing with him ever since, so it was really nice when I finally was able to see him again after so long.

My mom never asked me any questions regarding him, she has seen me face time him before. But I was sure that she had questions on her mind. It wasn’t until this past Saturday that she finally let me know what was on her mind.

I got my bag ready for the weekend, as I do when I head out to see my boyfriend. I put my things in my car, as I was about to leave she asked me, “is that guy you have been talking to gay?” Notice how she didn’t ask if I was gay, because in her mind I can’t possibly be. So then this other person must be gay, and therefore is the person that is trying to make me turn to his ways.

I didn’t want to ruin my weekend, plus I wasn’t ready for this conversation at the moment, so I told her that we would talk about it when I would come back.

Over the weekend I got a bunch of text messages from her saying how she didn’t raise me to be that way, how she hopes I’m not what she thinks I am, and how she doesn’t know who I am anymore. I didn’t reply to any of them. There is no reason in fighting or trying to make her understand, its just a ‘it is what it is’ situation.

I went home Sunday night but she was asleep already so I didn’t get to see her. Today I woke up and got ready for work and left before she had awaken. I know she will be waiting for me when I get home this afternoon. And she’ll ask me the same question. “Is that guy you have been talking to gay?”

And I will say,

“Yes, yes he is, and so am I.”

 

Time Will Tell

It has been a long while since I have been on here. To tell you the truth its because nothing much has happened. How is your quarantine doing? I wish things would go back to normal already, I really miss going out, seeing my boyfriend, and just being able to be out in public. I know it sounds weird because I am not that much of a social person but I still miss it from time to time.

The other only news I have is that my boyfriend asked me to move in with him. This is a big step for us and honestly I would really like to. I know that with doing so it will bring upon us a lot of challenges, but he said hes down for it.

I really appreciate the fact that he really cares about me and loves me. I always thought that I would never find someone who would feel that way about me. It feels nice.

The only thing that worries me is my family. My mom mostly. She is going to be really against it. Specially because he is a man. Or maybe she wont care?

I know that with what is going on and everything her faith in God is stronger than ever, these times only prove what they preach to be right, the ends of times. Which in part is scary but on the other hand is kind of silly since there has been major pandemics in history before and the world kept spinning after.

How do I tell her? Hey mom, so I’m gay and I’m moving in with a man? Not the very most effective way but it gets the message across. Time will tell though.

Part of me feels like I’m betraying them, my family. Running off with a guy I met, leaving them behind to fend for themselves. I mean they need me, or do they? Do I just tell myself that to feel better? But at the same time isn’t that part of life? I mean I still want to be a part of my mothers life and help her out with what ever she may need, if only she would let me.

Time will tell.

All the Crazy

You’re probably tired of hearing about the Corona Virus, I know me too. But I don’t take it very lightly. I understand that the internet has made it into a huge joke when there are thousands of people dying but again, in their defense, they don’t want to go insane with all the crazy that has been going on the past couple of months.

Anyways, do to all this mess my school has been canceled and with it so has my internship. I really don’t know what they will do with out me ( ha ha ). But I hope they stay safe and follow all the CDC guidelines. At first it was canceled until the end of march, but they then extended it to the end of April.

I don’t know how everything is going to work out now that I wont be interning for at least two months, or who knows it may be more? Will I even graduate? These times are crazy to be honest. But, on the bright side, I don’t have to drive 40 mins two times a week and waste gas that I don’t even have.

So now I have been at home just chilling playing the Switch an extremely unusual amount for a person in their mid twenties (I mean depends who you ask). Being at home I also have my mother in my ear telling me that these are the signs that the Bible has warns us about and the end is near and is inevitable. She keeps watching her religious videos about the end of times and she keeps the volume on high so I can hear, and to be honest, I do hear. It brings back unwanted flash backs of speeches and articles I used to read when I was in the religion myself. I told her that I didn’t believe in all that any more which I think may have hurt her feelings, but its the truth.

But is that even true? Part of me still wonders, what if they were always right? I mean can you blame me? Look around you and tell me you don’t see it? Because if you don’t then I want to be what ever you are on. Nevertheless, if they are right then in the end I still want to live the life that I am currently living, so, I guess I will burn in hell or where ever they want me to, no?

This is going to sound weird to say but, I went to an interview just yesterday. I know, in the mists of a total lock down who knew I would be able to get an interview? I was surprised too. When they started closing everything down I stopped applying at places. But somehow these people are still hiring. I think it went really well. The person who interviewed me seemed to like me, plus I knew the system they used in their warehouse. I haven’t heard anything back from them yet but I am hoping it works out. I need a job, but I’m pretty sure a thousand others do too.

In the mean time I suppose I’ll go back to playing on the Switch or watching Netflix, but is there anything worth watching anymore? I could get started on all the school work I now have to do thanks to the shutdown, but is that really the thing I need right now? No I don’t think so.

Coming Out to my Brother

I came out to my brother.

Let me first say that I never thought it would be difficult coming out to him because he is one of the most “chillest” people I know. But there was always that little fear in me that seemed to be bigger than it actually is.

We were on our way back from the DMV, he passed his written driving test which I figured would be a good time to tell him that I am a flaming homosexual. The car ride was about 40 mins long so it was perfect time for a long chat.

I started off asking him what his thoughts were on our old religion. He was never into it as much as I was, he never got baptized in it, he also stopped going way before me, because he had to work. He told me that he liked some stories from the bible and all that  but that it just wasn’t for him, I told him I felt the same way.

Then I asked him what his thoughts were regarding ‘gay people’. He said he didn’t mind them, they’re just people. He seemed cool about it, I had asked him this question about ten years ago but he said he didn’t remember but he had said just about the same thing. Then I asked him what he thought if I were to be gay, to that he said he didn’t mind he didn’t really care, its my life he said.

I wasn’t nervous, I wasn’t even shaky. It was more of exciting. Like when you tell a friend about a new movie. I mean I shouldn’t feel nervous there is nothing wrong with being gay, it should be exciting to tell someone that actually.

After I told him that I was I asked him if he ever knew, he said he didn’t. He did notice that I had a ‘man’ as my screen saver on my phone. I took the opportunity to show him who he is when he asked if I had a boyfriend. He even said, “is he cute???”

My heart melted, I felt good for him to be excited for me to have a boyfriend. Then we talked about how my mom would take it. Both of us know she’s not going to like it. She’s going to shun me, and according to her religions rules, if you are associating yourself with a person who is ‘sinning’ you also have to be shunned. So, since I have my brothers support my mother would have to abide by her religions rules and not speak to the both of us.

Technically speaking, she is going to be losing both of her only children for that religion. Its really sad, and we talked about it for a while. We talked about her maybe not even wanting to live with us. If that’s the path she wants to take we will help her do what ever she needs to do, but were not going to kick her out of our lives like her religion tells them to do to us.

Either way, it has been done, I don’t feel any different. I am just glad he knows.

When will I tell my mom? I have no clue, for that I have to prepare myself mentally and emotionally. It wont be easy. Specially seeing her cry everyday or not having her speak to me and just ignore me while living in the same home. But we’ll cross that bridge when we get there.

I’m Just Saying

It’s Valentine’s Day. (Sigh) I know, I know, if you’re single you could care less, or maybe you’re with someone and don’t care about it at all. Or maybe you’re like me and have a mixed feeling about it. What ever your mentality may be about it, it’s here, you like it or not.

There has been a lot of hate towards this day, and I’ve seen a lot of it. Not necessarily from single people but from people who are “above us all” and think they have won at life or something (I don’t really know, they’re entitled, ask them).

Yes, it’s over commercialized, and yes, it shouldn’t be the only day you profess your love to your significant other. But doesn’t every other holiday do that?

If you feel that Valentine’s Day is another day for companies to make money, don’t you feel the same way about Christmas? Thanksgiving? Halloween? No? But I bet your ass still goes out and buys a tree, you still go out and treat or treat. You still invite family over and eat a big fat bird. So I’m sitting here asking you, why you hating on V day bruh? (Maybe you just need a hug?)

Can’t you give presents out any other time of the year? Why does it have to be Christmas? You can’t give thanks unless you’re sitting across from that one aunt that judges all of your life decisions? You can’t be “spooky” or watch a scary movie unless it’s The Witching Hour of October?

I’m just saying ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ . You don’t have to celebrate anything if you’re complaining that it’s just another ploy for companies to make money off of you. Either way they still do, just on different holidays, didn’t think about that did you? 😌

Now, this is all coming from someone who all his life couldn’t even celebrate the sun coming up in the morning because only ‘god’ deserved the glory (cults… they’re fun), so you might understand why I appreciate almost every holiday there is out there. Because at one point in my life I couldn’t.

Even when I was single I would sit hours day dreaming about the day that I could have a valentine. Never in those wildest dreams did I ever think it would come to reality.

So you’ll have to excuuuuse me as I gather my chocolates and flowers that I bought at an unreasonably amount and go enjoy this day with my Boyfriend.

Looking Back At A Decade Of ‘Me’

This may just be the last post of this year, and this decade. I hope everyone had a good Christmas with their loved ones and will have a great New Years.

Looking back at this decade and seeing where I began to where I am now, its just insane. To me 2010 was just a couple of years ago. I was only 15 and I was getting baptized in a cult-religion I just left this year. From then on it would be a roller coaster of things to come, some good, and some very oh so bad. But I made it.

2011 came by fast and it was actually a good year for me. Even though I was struggling with my sexuality I still found happy moments during all the chaos. I also dated a girl for the first time ever. Who I really did love very much but ended up breaking up with later in 2012.

In 2013 I graduated high school and I had no plans of going to college. I was not in very good circumstances to have such a privilege. I stayed home taking care of my brother and 4 cousins while my mother worked. It wasn’t the best way to make money but it helped my moms family and ours at the same time.

Then in 2014 I started working at a fast food place that everyone knows the jingle to. Although its not the most, or at all, the desired job to have, I still loved working there and because I did I got to meet the most amazing people that even today I still call friends.

2015 and 2016 are both a big blur. I can’t honestly say why though, there inst much that happened those years. I did buy a car which is really big but that’s about it. I think it is because I was trying to live a happy life with my friends and also trying to please everyone from church at the same time, I probably lost myself for a bit those two years.

In 2017 my mother told us she had cancer and her long process began for survival, which she is still dealing with now. It was a real hard year. I lost touch with many of my friends because I was trying to follow the “Holy Way”.

2018 was also a good and bad year. I think it was more of a good year for me. Other than my mothers second surgery nothing bad really happened. I really got out of my shell that year and started going to clubs, I started drinking as if I needed it to survive, and I met a lot of new people. But during all this I was still the little good church boy and it got exhausting. It was hard partying all night Saturday and coming home at 4 in the morning and then getting up at 8 for Sunday Service.

I had to choose which path to take and I chose the wrong one at the beginning of 2019. I was full on going to be the very depiction of what a good Christian should be, hell, I was even dating a girl who was the very depiction of what a Great Christian Woman should be. But I wasn’t Happy. So I had to leave what I thought was “The Truth”. I later found where I was actually supposed to be and I met a wonderful guy who makes me really happy.

With that guy I am entering 2020, a new decade, a fresh brand new start.

What will this year (and decade) bring?

2020 here we all come!

Happy New!