I didn’t go to church. You know, I was debating weather to go or not. Sorry God. But I chose not too. Well, I didn’t technically choose. My mom said she was tired and didn’t sleep well so she wanted to stay home instead. (Our church does this thing where you can call in and listen through the phone I know, high tech). I mean gotta get that spiritual food some how, am I right? Hahaha.
I don’t know, I was feeling iffy. I don’t know if that’s a feeling or not, but that’s what I felt. Something about seeing my ex, just being around people and all.
So, usually when I get to my church, I go around saying hi to everyone. I walk in, scan the area, and go around shaking peoples hands (people are usually sitting, but I want to say hi so they don’t think I’m socially awkward which I am). When I’m done I sit and wait for it to start. There’s nothing bad about it. I really enjoy going. But sometimes, we’ll let’s not lie, most times, I just don’t want to talk to anyone, let alone shake their hand. Wow that was a lot of comas.
But I didn’t want to do that, at all. Lately I’ve been a shut in. It physically hurts to talk to other humans. I know I’ll get over it. I’ve noticed I’ll be social here and there then come back to my rock. That’s normal right? Let’s say yes.
My “don’t care” attitude is still on me like a brand new sweater. I love it. It’s warm, cute, and just the right size. But we’ll see how it gets after a couple of uses.
I have been MIA for a while now. Looking back at some of my post I forgot how good it felt to write. Better said, I forgot how good it felt to let my feelings out. So many things have happened in the lifespan of two or so months. For a short summary I can say that I now have a girlfriend, I am more religious than I once was, or have ever been, and also I have left a lot of toxic friendships in the past.
I should explain the girlfriend part. I know, it even sounds weird when I say it myself, so it must sound out of this world reading it from your point of view. How could you possibly have a girlfriend when last year all you did was brag about sleeping with men? I asked myself that question many times. So, what is my sexual orientation? I don’t even think I know now. But I do know that I very much am fond of a girl at the moment and I very do much enjoy being with her. For the least part, its been a few complicated years with my sexuality to say the least. But that’s for another day.
As for Religion. I am content. I think I hated my religion for long enough and this time instead of running away from the questions I had, I set my mind on looking for the answers. When some of them weren’t being answered to my satisfaction I did not stop, it only fueled my curiosity and it did take a while for me to find them. If you don’t believe in God I don’t blame you. You have many reasons not to. I had many reasons to hate Him. But that doesn’t mean I just stopped. I kept looking, and you should too. If you are in a religion, or you believe something and ask a question, one which they can’t answer, something is not right, I say look for the answer yourself, investigate. Don’t stop. Don’t quit. Most important don’t let go of yourfaith.
As for my friends, well I loved them to death. But in true honesty they weren’t doing me any good. Going out and spending money every week, doing thinds for no reason, I didn’t find a purpose for that. I asked myself if being around them actually made me happy. The answer was no. I felt drained. I felt as if I was the punching bag to everyone’s life. I gave them the best advice they never took. Not to mention our beliefs had changed as well. We slowly stopped having things in common. So we drifted apart. I haven’t seen them in more than three months now. Do I miss them? Just a little. Doesn’t mean I don’t have any friends. I gave my church friend a second chance after things with us got stale, and to be completely honest, I’ve never had a better friend than him. There are one or two friends I still talk to that do not share the same beliefs I do, but that’s ok. There is a certain level of understanding between us I will always cherish and hold near to my heart.
As for this blog, I miss it. I really do. I miss just ranting in general without anyone to interrupt me or roll their eyes at me. I remember when I first started this blog, I wanted it to be a place where I could speak my mind and talk freely. I would like to get back to that.
Some of my friends know that I am very bipolar with my decisions. They don’t even flinch when I contradict myself anymore. Let me tell you, I’ll be so set to do something then the next week I’ll be so against it. I’ll swear I won’t be one way then act exactly that way when I turn around.
I wouldn’t say it’s hypocritical of me, although it really does sound that way. But, I will practice what I preach for so long before I go around and do the opposite. It’s a strange way to live but I’ve been living that way for so long. It’s a custom. Some people even expect it.
The friend that I talked to at the park a couple of weeks ago asked me what I was up to. I told her I was more into my religious side. I made a joke and told her I’d be back to my crazy ways soon and they would be crazier. And it’s true, every time I leave that lifestyle then be religious for a few months then go back and I’m wilder than before. She didn’t even flinch, she just nodded and said that they know my bipolar ways.
Why do I do that? Who knows, I’m not a phycologist. I don’t study brains and human habits. All I know is that I am like this. Do I mind it? At times I do because it’s tiring going back and forth.
It’s funny because every time I go to either side I say I’ll stay there. But I eventually go back to the other. I should be studied. I should be looked at to see why I function this way. I would be up for it. Till then, it’s like a game of catch, and I’m the ball.
Thousands or more like millions of children are going door to door tonight in search of the best candies they can find. Teens across America are going to parties their parents aren’t aware of. Girls dress up in provocative costumes not wanting men to undress them with their eyes. Men go around undressing slutty woman with their eyes.
This used to be my favorite holiday. It was actually the only holiday that I cared about celebrating. Not even Christmas came close. But halloween stood out like a sore thumb all year long. What’s there not to love? Candy, scary movies, cold weather in some weird association, and dressing up and seeing everyone’s creativity.
Growing up I craved being able to celebrate it. It wasn’t until I was 20 years old that I actually finally celebrated Halloween. I was a good Christian boy, but then I walked over to the dark side. Pun intended.
I was Peter Pan. And honestly, it was one of the best nights I’ve had. I felt like a kid again. Pun game strong today. The year after that I didn’t dress up but I did go to a party. I had fun but wasn’t that exciting. Two years ago I didn’t do anything at all because I was in a huge hole of depression. Last year, I took a shift on my day off to work on Halloween because I didn’t want to be sad that I didn’t have plans.
What am I doing this Halloween? Sitting at home writing this post. Even though I want to be out there, doing stuff, partying, and just getting crazy. But even though I tell myself if you aren’t happy then change yourself. But the thing is that I am happy. I’ve changed, and it’s ok, I miss things but it doesn’t make me miserable.
Have you ever wondered what it would have been like to be Hannah Montana? Or someone who you knew lived a double life? Let me tell you it’s not easy. It’s hard, tiring, and very stressful. Sure, the rush of being two different people can be very exciting. The thought of getting caught or living on a high wire makes your heart beat faster than anything else. You feel like a special agent. Like a spy even. But at what cost?
The moment I stopped living a double life it felt like a weight had been lifted off my shoulders. I was a good Christian at home and to some friends at church, but to the rest of the world I was a very sexual loud mouth party animal.
I found myself going to clubs every week on Friday’s and Saturday’s and then on Sunday waking up to go door to door to preach about Gods Kingdom.
I know, very ironic. But I found myself thinking of everything I was doing. The huge hypocrite I was becoming . It was a huge eye opener. How could I be doing all the things I was on the next day telling people they shouldn’t be doing? Hiding everything from one part of my life from people I really cared about. I was stressed, I was tired, and to a certain extent it wasn’t even fun anymore.
I had to choose a life. I had to choose what part I wanted to live and what part of me I had to let go. It wasn’t easy. But I chose one, and I don’t regret it. Not once have I thought of what I would have been if I would have chosen the other part of my life to follow.