Him & I

Will I ever be happy?

I know that’s a loaded question but it is one I need to ask. I don’t know who I am asking it to. God? The Universe? A special Higher Power? Who knows, but the question still stands.

I love my boyfriend with all my heart, at least that is what I tell myself and him. But, is it actually fact? I am a lover, I am and attention and affection whore, so to speak. I am nice, I am sweet. He is all but the opposite.

Am I even allowed to complain? He opened his doors for me when my own mother kicked me out. He has done everything in his power to make me feel like this is also my home. Then, why isn’t it enough? Why do I a need more?

Why is it that what comes out of his mouth is not what I want him to say? Why is it that his actions are not the ones I want to see. What if the way he thinks is not the way I would like him to.

I know that the perfect couple doesn’t exist, but I know that him and I are not at each others throats like cats and dogs having a blood bath of fights, no. The thing is that I am not happy. In other words (words I did not wish I had to say) he doesn’t make me happy.

But how can I tell him? How can I tell him that I do not like the way he acts? He is who he is right? Why would I tell him to change? To who? To the person in my head I would want him to be? That’s sounds so toxic.

Have I fallen in love with the idea of “Love”. I think I have and I think I am seeing it know.

The thing is, I don’t think he will ever please me emotionally. He can not match my romanticism. He can not match my affection and attention.

What is there to do now?

Cheesy And Corny

Valentines Day is a week away.

I know, I’m sorry if you are single, trust me I feel you. Even though I am in a relationship I might as well be single for this holiday. It sounds bad, and to be honest I should just give my boyfriend the benefit of the doubt. I mean we have never spent a romantic holiday like this together, its our first, so how would I even know that its going to be any less romantic than what I have already planned in my head? I must be a bad boyfriend.

Well, my boyfriend isn’t really the most romantic person. I on the other hand, oof, I have all these things planned for him already. I am actually starting tomorrow. Valentines falls on the day right after our four month anniversary. (Yes, I am one of those. I say ‘I’ because he just follows along with me just to make me happy but he could care less about those things if I wouldn’t care, aka bug him about it).

Anyways, since those two days are so close together I thought I would get him something cute a week early. He is really into Drag, (which is one of the many things that annoy me about him, but this is not the time or place), so I decided to buy him a vinyl figure of his favorite Drag Queen that just recently was released. I was lucky enough to get the very last one available.

AdorePopI plan to gift wrap it and give it to him as a pre-anniversary/Valentines Day gift. I know he’s going to freak out and love it. He is always saying catch phrases from the show (ugh) and will always make references, (you know at times its actually cute).

LoveCardThen the very day of Valentines (which he took off just to spend together, which was super sweet of him, didn’t see it coming at all) I am going to give him the first love card? Is that what they are called? Those greeting cards, but Valentines version. Of course I will add my own pizzazz on it when I give it to him.

HisOneHisOnlyI have a total of three to give him thorough out the day. I also have some key chains that say “his only” and “his one” and candy in heart shaped boxes. They are so cute! To top it all off I bought this light that is almost similar to a neon light, but it says “I love you” and it also changes color.

ILoveYouLightGoooooodness, I am so excited to see his expressions! This is my first Valentines that I am spending with someone other than myself this year, so you bet your little red heart that I am going all out. When I was single I would always picture myself with someone celebrating this day. I know that its sappy, and cheesy, but I LIVE for this stuff. You should see the inside of my imagination, nothing but a pink and red haze, with unicorns farting rainbows and barfing up puffy cute little heart shaped clouds.

RomanticUnicornsUnfortunately, nothing that I have ever dreamed of has gone according to my architectural imagination. So I have to brace myself for what ever it is that my boyfriend gets me. I know that its not what he gets me, he still loves me, I just think its cute. And it makes me appreciate him more, I mean isn’t it so cute to think that a person was out in the world looking for something to give to you, thinking of you, thinking of all the things that might put a smile on your face?

No? Just me? Uh ok.

I’m Searching For Something That I Can’t Reach

I am very romantic. I am border line cheesy and corny. Hey, I’m a nice guy. I love, love. And I understand that there are people out there that could care less about getting roses, about getting called sweet things, and would gag and barf at the sight of heart shaped balloons and chocolates, but not me. I want those things, I would kill for those things.

Valentines is around the corner and this will be the very first Valentines Day in my entire life when I actually have a significant other to share it with. I was never that person that hated the holiday because I was alone and single. When that time came around sure I would get sad but I would never get bitter. I would just sit back and think of all the romantic things I could be doing with a boyfriend. All the sweet cheesy corny things we could get each other. From little love notes on cards to big giant teddy bears. Its not just that day either, I think about being sweet all the time, that’s just how my brain works.

Now that I am in a relationship you think that this year will be different. But I don’t think it will. (I hate talking about this, it feels like I’m hating on him, so sorry my love if you ever get a chance to read this). My boyfriend is not romantic. He wouldn’t know what romance was if it hit him with a truck, stopped, backed up, and ran him over again.

I may be exaggerating but its true. Its not like I haven’t talked to him about it, we have. But it only got better for the shortest time. This relationship has become really hard form me because of that reason. Don’t get me wrong I love him to death, with all my heart, I just wish he was a little more romantic.

This isn’t something new to me. I have always been a hopeless romantic. That rose colored haze that couples in romance movies live in is what I have always craved. And its not just in movies. I see it every where I go. Romance. People doing these cheesy romantic things for their significant others just for the fun of it, its not even to prove anything its just because its cute and they want to do it.

He is only romantic when I remind him to be. Only when I send him cute little quotes will he send some back around the same time. But if I don’t, it will be weeks before he sends one of his own. And if I just keep reminding him its like I am dating myself because I am telling him to be romantic, so in the end I am making him do it when I want it to come from his heart because he loves me.

It sounds like I am complaining, because I am and I have the right to. I just wonder if this is how its going to be all the time. Am I always going to have to beg for romance? Will I always feel this way? I want to be swept off my feet, I want to be caught off guard with a cute little gift. I want to cry happy emotional tears of joy. I do a lot of title romantic shit, I would just like it to be reciprocated.

I sometimes do a full circle and blame myself. I am needy, I tell myself. Maybe I am just asking for way too much? I should just be happy with what I have right? I should just feel content? Why can’t I just feel satisfied?

I feel that “I’m searching for something that I can’t reach.” (Halsey).

Needy.

So I was melodramatically sitting in my boyfriends bathroom this weekend, because if there’s something I know how to do well, that’s complicate things. I was all up in my feelings, like I usually am. I am not the best at talking about my feelings, even though I thought I have always been in tune with them, but I guess this whole relationship is teaching me new things about myself.

I am very emotional, sentimental, and sometimes way to clingy. I am needy, lets put it that way. My boyfriend doesn’t like it when I call myself needy. He tells me that I “need a lot of love”. But, at the same times that’s still being needy.

I asked if our relationship would always be this way. Me having to beg to be held, or kissed, or even remind him that I want him to be romantic. I don’t want a friend, I want a boyfriend. Of course, in order to be a boyfriend you first have to be their friend, but we are past that level. We are beyond that bridge.

I want romance, I want to see the world in a light red color haze, I want Love.

He already knows me well enough to know when something is up. So we talked about it. After he asked what was wrong with me. He cried, I cried. It was a hot mess. But at the end of the day it did need to happen. And I wont lie, it felt really nice to see how much he cared that I wasn’t being myself. I understand that there will be times when not everything is butterflies and rainbows, but when its in my hands and I can control it, I want it to be butterflies and rainbows, even fucking unicorns and all that shit.

He’s becoming my everything. I can’t afford to lose him, but I can’t afford to lose myself either just when I’m beginning to know who I am. I am growing as a person and I am also growing in this relationship. And I want to grow along with him.

It’s sad I don’t get to see him for five days. The days that we had were amazing though, and I cherish every moment.

One Month

I am super cheesy, so beware, if you are lactose intolerant, you might want to turn away.

Today marks exactly one month that my boyfriend and I have been officially Boyfriends. We have been dating for about two months and have known each other for 3 months, if you want to get technical.

So what did I do? Well despite people or society saying its too soon to be celebrating time together or in the risk of being too sappy, I got him some gifts. I don’t care if it is too soon or not, this is what I feel and I want to show it while I feel it, not when everyone thinks its a good time in MY relationship to do so.

I went to my local flower shop to buy some roses. I went to the dollar store to get some heart shaped balloons, the first dollar store I went to didn’t have any heart shaped balloons, which are the ones I wanted. I headed to a different one and they told me that they were almost out of helium, but by a stroke of luck, they had enough to give me just the amount of balloons I needed. Then I went to the store to buy some heart shaped and cheesy stickers along with some of his favorite candy.

When I came home I placed as much stickers as I could on the wrapping that surrounded the roses. (It was mainly hearts). Then I put a bow on the candy, also more stickers, and then I decorated the letter that I wrote him inside of a sweet little greeting card. (Picture below).

Today I surprised him before he left for work. I was so nervous for some reason. Shakey with hands sweaty. Who was I? I hadn’t seen that me before. I was so happy to see him, to see the look on his face, it was truly priceless. He loved everything.

I know that our relationship is new and in some way it is super fragile, but this beginning stage is so nice. Don’t get me wrong there are times we have our serious talks, its not all roses and candy. We know what we want, we understand each other, and we are very communicative.

I can see a future with him. I can see us growing together. This can’t be wrong, this feeling I have, this fantasy that I have created in my head. I like him so much, I know he likes me too. This can be so great.

I hope that our one month anniversary soon turns into years.

 

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Breaking News

It’s official, I have a boyfriend.

I know to you this may not be a big deal. I know that this may come off as something that’s super irrelevant and there are other things that are going on in the world that are far more interesting. Yes, that’s true.

But in my bubble. In the small world in my head. It’s breaking news. It’s a top major national story, making headlines and dropping jaws from coast to coast.

Everyone’s talking about it. Everyone wants to know the details. But I hold back, because it’s all mine. He’s mine. All mine. At least in my head. In my little world. And I’m all his.


I know I’ve said it before but my weekends are full of butterflies and rainbows. That’s the only way I can describe it. Excuse me if that sounds like a fantasy to you but it is what it is and I love it. Almost seems fake, almost seems unreal. But seeing everything I’ve been through (and at the risk of sounding selfish) I deserve this. I deserve this love.

I think I’ve found it.

If Its Not Love, Then Its Witchcraft

I’m having a bit of a writers block at the moment so excuse my recent absent these couple of weeks. I have been writing less and less. And by that I actually mean that nothing in my life is really happening, all except me falling in love, and I feel like writing about that is like shoving my love life down your throat and I’m not sure people want to read about all the lovely-dovey stuff that goes on for me. I could be wrong though.

BUT, seeing as this is my blog and I talk about heartbreak most of the time and I used to complain about love all the time in the past, I think its time I write about how good love has been treating me lately and how I think that I am actually starting to fall into it.

A little back story: The guy that I have been dating used to go to the same gym that I went to a little over a year ago. We didn’t interact until I was drunk dancing in a club one night and he was brave enough to ask me if I was that same guy from the gym.  After I answered ‘yeswith my lips on his we started talking for about a month after that. (This was last year when I was going through the whole “religion is my life” crisis). I stopped talking to him after that. A whole year later I find him on tinder and we reconnect.

 

Now, every single date that I go on with him is so great. It doesn’t even have to be special, it’s still so nice to see him. I enjoy spending time with him. We go together so well. The attraction is stronger than I ever felt it before with anyone.

During the beginning he told me he wanted to take things slow. I thought that was a  great idea. He said he didn’t want to ruin this by going too fast and pushing things. Isn’t that so sweet? Melts my heart every time I remember when he said that. At least for me it gives me the idea that he wants this to last, (which he does).

Sometimes he says things I’m already thinking, or he’ll say things that I want/need him to say and its like he’s in my brain. If its not love then its witchcraft, I swear. I want to say he understands me most of the time, if not all the time. And, when he is stuck on saying something I just look at him and I know what he’s saying. Why does it feel like I’ve known him longer than I have? Makes me want to believe in reincarnation. (Reincarnated lovers? Is that a thing?).

I know its too soon to be saying he’s “the one“. Because nothing in this life is for sure. Nothing is secure and anything can happen. But I feel so good about him. I feel happy, safe, loved, full of something in my belly that makes me warm all over. I think of him and I smile. I hear my phone go off and I run to it. He texts me something that is not even remotely funny and I cackle like Angelina Jolie in the Maleficent Movie trailer. 

We have talked about our dating expectations (because we are mature adults, thank you very much). We have talked about our pasts. We have talked about the most randomest things anyone could everrrrr.

I ask myself, could this be the beginning of something? I mean it is. I just don’t want it to have an ending. I want to take care of this relationship like a little baby. Protect it, feed it, nourish it, care for it, love it, and help it grow up into something beautiful.

My weekends are full of joy, because that’s when I get to see him. We spend almost all of it together. We laugh, we talk, we smile that dumb smile at each other like lovers do. My cheeks hurt by the end of the day after I am with him from smiling so much.

His friends love me, which is a huge plus. I still need to introduce him to my friends but I’m sure they’ll like him just as much as I do.

Was this destiny? Faith?

Who ever it was, thank you.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Playing With Fire

It’s been a couple of wild weeks. I haven’t had anytime to sit down and notice where I am. I’ve been running and running down a path that I didn’t notice all the signs I was passing.

I am happy. Happy sounds too good to be true. I am content. No, I am ok. Yeah that feels more right. If I were to be content I’d have all of my debts paid. If I were to be happy then I’d be sippin something sweet at a beach with more than 10 digits in my bank account.

But nonetheless, I am here and I am ok.

For now.

See what I did there.

I’ve been texting my ex on and off. I’m trying to get my feelings together before I make any brash decisions. I like her. I like her a lot. I don’t like the religion she is a part of, and that I once was. But I like her. She makes me feel something, something inside of me. In my stomach, then my heart.

I know I like her and want to be with her because there is no validation that I need from anyone any more. From who? Church friends? Nope, they don’t talk to me. Other church goers? Nope, I haven’t seen them in months. My mom? She actually doesn’t want to get involved in this. And my non religious friends? Well, some wouldn’t care. Some would. But it’s my decision. I always end up doing what I want anyways.

Today she texted me saying that she had to say something that she’s been holding back.

After I was done reading what she had wrote I was on the verge of tears. God. What have I done? What did I do? Did I make such an impact on this one person to want me this bad she is willing to to leave everything behind just for me?

What do I do?

I have to be careful.

I’m now playing with Fire.

Second First Date

Grab your cups because I’m about to pour some dam good tea. Grab your cookies and your napkins because this is going to get messy.

I met him on tinder. We had a date planned for yesterday but we actually met last Friday at a club. In our defense, the club was not even a date that we planned it just happened and I am glad that it did happen. You can learn a lot from a person when alcohol lets them say anything and makes the real them come out.

Yesterday was the day. I was so thrilled. I really liked this guy and I thought that we had a really good chance of connecting and actually being a great couple. I still think that to this day.

I got off work and then took a shower and headed straight to his house. I got there pretty late because of traffic and also there was an accident that blocked off the main roads. Nonetheless, I arrived and that’s where the story starts, right?

Well, for starters, we took one of his friends home since she was chilling at his house. (It’s not his house he only rents one room in it, you’re going to need that bit of info later, trust). After that we then headed to Chipotle. There we ate and we talked about a lot of stuff. We were there for about a little just over an hour and I have to say that I really enjoyed it.

We even got to the subject of me not being ‘out’ to my mom and church. But that is for another post (and its coming). . . However, I for the most part, thought that it was a mood killer and he was definitely thinking about dating me after that bomb shell. He’s been out since he was 13 and I thing thats pretty brave. But I’m working on it and I have been for weeks, even before him. I will come out, on my terms and at my time, and not for any one but myself.

We saw the movie Aladdin. Not one of my favorite movies, not even in the top 100 but it was ok to watch. We held hands and it was the best feeling ever knowing he still wanted me by his side. That makes me sound so middle school-ish but that’s how I genuinely felt so sue me.

On the way back to his place we saw Starbucks and we had to stop by. We both love it, me for the sugar and him for the caffeine. When we got to his house I swear it seemed like a scene form a coming of age movie where the cute guy shows the other cute guy all the things that make him unique in his room. The talk about their favorite movies and music.

He showed me all his CD’s, DVD’s, Vinyl’s, and horror movie collection’s. I got to see the taste in music that he has. Which is very unique but I some how also know all the songs he quotes and loves. We even have the same favorite signers. He showed me his action figures thing that are collectibles. He’s just a really cute nerd, and I liked that. I adored it.

He asked if I wanted to watch a movie and I said sure. We started seeing Jason Vs Freddy. It was a good movie but I only got to see what happened in the beginning and the end because we had our own little thing we did in the middle which, honestly, happened with out even thinking about it. It just, happened. It was romantic, and I wish I could capture that feeling and take it with me everywhere.

He was falling asleep in my arms towards the end of the movie. Let me just pause here for a second. There is something about just being with someone you like and just holding them. Having them in your arms. Smelling the same smell they are. Smelling them. Being and just living at the same moment with them. Just there. Alone. I just can’t compare that feeling to anything else.

Soon while after there was a knock on the door. Since he fell asleep I walked to the door and it was his friend. She is the owner of the house and rents a room to him. She told me that her mom wanted to talk to him since she also lived there. I was a bit nervous but I woke him up and he went to go talk to them in the living room while I stayed in his room and awaited his return. I was scared, by then I knew they were upset that I was there that late.

I wasn’t wrong. He can back with a really sad face. I hugged him and told him that I was sorry. He said it wasn’t my fault. They just didn’t like it that a total stranger to them was in the house that late. I completely understand. It was late, super late. They didn’t know me. His friend only had seen me once before and her mom only just met me that night, so we did screw up there. But I still would never change anything that happened last night. It was more than perfect.

Today I texted his friend and apologized for over stepping and intruding like I did. She said that it was her mom who was the one that was over reacting but she still didn’t say it was ok so she kind of agrees with her, which is fine I respect that. But she said that she did have other issues bottled up with him that came out, but they talked after I left.

I talked to him about it and he said they established rules. No boys that late. What is late? That is still unknown at the moment. Does he still want to see me? Yes. We planned to go eat somewhere this Monday. I might even have a chance to see him this Saturday if i get to go hiking with him and his friends. I haven’t met these friends. These seem to be more active as I hear they are always hiking. I think he is going to invite me to go since they want to meet me.

Over all, my thoughts? I like him. I like him a lot. I know a lot about him. Not everything but a lot. I know him only a week now but we seemed to have skipped the, what is your favorite color? questions and went right into, what are your biggest fears and insecurities?

He told many friends about me, I have only told 2. Slowly I want to let them know I am dating but I don’t want to get ahead of myself and tell everyone then in 2 weeks tell them I am single once again. I want to be sure of this. I know I’ll get crap for saying this but its true, he’s so broken but well put together and I am well put together but broken. If that doesn’t sound tragically romantic, I don’t now what does.

Whatever This Thing Is

Let’s talk about my relationship.

Or better said, let me tell you how awful what ever this thing I have with this one girl is. Is it a relationship? She’s grown but her parents don’t let her do anything. Religion involved? Nope, none. Religion has nothing to do with it. Her dad is just something that I can’t put in words.

We were going to hang out this weekend after not hanging out or spending time with each other after maybe almost a month. She told her father a week before and then he decides to make a BBQ on and at the same time we were going to go out.

God I hate him. I don’t like him. At all. Can you tell? I don’t want to deal with him, I didn’t. So I didn’t go. Now my girlfriend is all sad and what not because of it. I don’t care. I don’t care about anything involving her anymore.

I just want this to end. I want it over. This relationship has only hurt me more than anything else. More then make me happy. I’ve cried buckets, I’ve been in agony. All this leading to a point of feeling absolutely nothing.

If the situation was different. If her dad wasn’t such an A hole. If she has more liberty. Maybe if she even showed a little more interest in me. But no. This has to end before it ends me.