I’m Searching For Something That I Can’t Reach

I am very romantic. I am border line cheesy and corny. Hey, I’m a nice guy. I love, love. And I understand that there are people out there that could care less about getting roses, about getting called sweet things, and would gag and barf at the sight of heart shaped balloons and chocolates, but not me. I want those things, I would kill for those things.

Valentines is around the corner and this will be the very first Valentines Day in my entire life when I actually have a significant other to share it with. I was never that person that hated the holiday because I was alone and single. When that time came around sure I would get sad but I would never get bitter. I would just sit back and think of all the romantic things I could be doing with a boyfriend. All the sweet cheesy corny things we could get each other. From little love notes on cards to big giant teddy bears. Its not just that day either, I think about being sweet all the time, that’s just how my brain works.

Now that I am in a relationship you think that this year will be different. But I don’t think it will. (I hate talking about this, it feels like I’m hating on him, so sorry my love if you ever get a chance to read this). My boyfriend is not romantic. He wouldn’t know what romance was if it hit him with a truck, stopped, backed up, and ran him over again.

I may be exaggerating but its true. Its not like I haven’t talked to him about it, we have. But it only got better for the shortest time. This relationship has become really hard form me because of that reason. Don’t get me wrong I love him to death, with all my heart, I just wish he was a little more romantic.

This isn’t something new to me. I have always been a hopeless romantic. That rose colored haze that couples in romance movies live in is what I have always craved. And its not just in movies. I see it every where I go. Romance. People doing these cheesy romantic things for their significant others just for the fun of it, its not even to prove anything its just because its cute and they want to do it.

He is only romantic when I remind him to be. Only when I send him cute little quotes will he send some back around the same time. But if I don’t, it will be weeks before he sends one of his own. And if I just keep reminding him its like I am dating myself because I am telling him to be romantic, so in the end I am making him do it when I want it to come from his heart because he loves me.

It sounds like I am complaining, because I am and I have the right to. I just wonder if this is how its going to be all the time. Am I always going to have to beg for romance? Will I always feel this way? I want to be swept off my feet, I want to be caught off guard with a cute little gift. I want to cry happy emotional tears of joy. I do a lot of title romantic shit, I would just like it to be reciprocated.

I sometimes do a full circle and blame myself. I am needy, I tell myself. Maybe I am just asking for way too much? I should just be happy with what I have right? I should just feel content? Why can’t I just feel satisfied?

I feel that “I’m searching for something that I can’t reach.” (Halsey).

Needy.

So I was melodramatically sitting in my boyfriends bathroom this weekend, because if there’s something I know how to do well, that’s complicate things. I was all up in my feelings, like I usually am. I am not the best at talking about my feelings, even though I thought I have always been in tune with them, but I guess this whole relationship is teaching me new things about myself.

I am very emotional, sentimental, and sometimes way to clingy. I am needy, lets put it that way. My boyfriend doesn’t like it when I call myself needy. He tells me that I “need a lot of love”. But, at the same times that’s still being needy.

I asked if our relationship would always be this way. Me having to beg to be held, or kissed, or even remind him that I want him to be romantic. I don’t want a friend, I want a boyfriend. Of course, in order to be a boyfriend you first have to be their friend, but we are past that level. We are beyond that bridge.

I want romance, I want to see the world in a light red color haze, I want Love.

He already knows me well enough to know when something is up. So we talked about it. After he asked what was wrong with me. He cried, I cried. It was a hot mess. But at the end of the day it did need to happen. And I wont lie, it felt really nice to see how much he cared that I wasn’t being myself. I understand that there will be times when not everything is butterflies and rainbows, but when its in my hands and I can control it, I want it to be butterflies and rainbows, even fucking unicorns and all that shit.

He’s becoming my everything. I can’t afford to lose him, but I can’t afford to lose myself either just when I’m beginning to know who I am. I am growing as a person and I am also growing in this relationship. And I want to grow along with him.

It’s sad I don’t get to see him for five days. The days that we had were amazing though, and I cherish every moment.

Breaking News

It’s official, I have a boyfriend.

I know to you this may not be a big deal. I know that this may come off as something that’s super irrelevant and there are other things that are going on in the world that are far more interesting. Yes, that’s true.

But in my bubble. In the small world in my head. It’s breaking news. It’s a top major national story, making headlines and dropping jaws from coast to coast.

Everyone’s talking about it. Everyone wants to know the details. But I hold back, because it’s all mine. He’s mine. All mine. At least in my head. In my little world. And I’m all his.


I know I’ve said it before but my weekends are full of butterflies and rainbows. That’s the only way I can describe it. Excuse me if that sounds like a fantasy to you but it is what it is and I love it. Almost seems fake, almost seems unreal. But seeing everything I’ve been through (and at the risk of sounding selfish) I deserve this. I deserve this love.

I think I’ve found it.

If Its Not Love, Then Its Witchcraft

I’m having a bit of a writers block at the moment so excuse my recent absent these couple of weeks. I have been writing less and less. And by that I actually mean that nothing in my life is really happening, all except me falling in love, and I feel like writing about that is like shoving my love life down your throat and I’m not sure people want to read about all the lovely-dovey stuff that goes on for me. I could be wrong though.

BUT, seeing as this is my blog and I talk about heartbreak most of the time and I used to complain about love all the time in the past, I think its time I write about how good love has been treating me lately and how I think that I am actually starting to fall into it.

A little back story: The guy that I have been dating used to go to the same gym that I went to a little over a year ago. We didn’t interact until I was drunk dancing in a club one night and he was brave enough to ask me if I was that same guy from the gym.  After I answered ‘yeswith my lips on his we started talking for about a month after that. (This was last year when I was going through the whole “religion is my life” crisis). I stopped talking to him after that. A whole year later I find him on tinder and we reconnect.

 

Now, every single date that I go on with him is so great. It doesn’t even have to be special, it’s still so nice to see him. I enjoy spending time with him. We go together so well. The attraction is stronger than I ever felt it before with anyone.

During the beginning he told me he wanted to take things slow. I thought that was a  great idea. He said he didn’t want to ruin this by going too fast and pushing things. Isn’t that so sweet? Melts my heart every time I remember when he said that. At least for me it gives me the idea that he wants this to last, (which he does).

Sometimes he says things I’m already thinking, or he’ll say things that I want/need him to say and its like he’s in my brain. If its not love then its witchcraft, I swear. I want to say he understands me most of the time, if not all the time. And, when he is stuck on saying something I just look at him and I know what he’s saying. Why does it feel like I’ve known him longer than I have? Makes me want to believe in reincarnation. (Reincarnated lovers? Is that a thing?).

I know its too soon to be saying he’s “the one“. Because nothing in this life is for sure. Nothing is secure and anything can happen. But I feel so good about him. I feel happy, safe, loved, full of something in my belly that makes me warm all over. I think of him and I smile. I hear my phone go off and I run to it. He texts me something that is not even remotely funny and I cackle like Angelina Jolie in the Maleficent Movie trailer. 

We have talked about our dating expectations (because we are mature adults, thank you very much). We have talked about our pasts. We have talked about the most randomest things anyone could everrrrr.

I ask myself, could this be the beginning of something? I mean it is. I just don’t want it to have an ending. I want to take care of this relationship like a little baby. Protect it, feed it, nourish it, care for it, love it, and help it grow up into something beautiful.

My weekends are full of joy, because that’s when I get to see him. We spend almost all of it together. We laugh, we talk, we smile that dumb smile at each other like lovers do. My cheeks hurt by the end of the day after I am with him from smiling so much.

His friends love me, which is a huge plus. I still need to introduce him to my friends but I’m sure they’ll like him just as much as I do.

Was this destiny? Faith?

Who ever it was, thank you.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

My Priority

Relationships are hard to maintain. I’m talking about all of them. Not just romantic ones.

My friend group mainly consists of females. I have a couple of guy friends here and there and if I was going out I would mainly choose them. With my female friends we usually see each other in groups and don’t text every single day. I love them and even though we only see each other at least once a month we all know that we are there for each other and we still have that strong bond of friendship there between us.

Now that I am dating, a female, I should add. This sort of has to change. My time is more for my girlfriend now. I’m not saying I’ll forget my friends. I’m just saying that if my GF would like to hang out and do something, she is now my main priority. Its not like we’ve been dating for just some weeks. I’ve known her for years and I have been dating her on and off for almost a year now.

I understand how this could leave my other friends feeling with a sense of abandonment. Here I am always at my friends feet ready for what ever they need, always available for what ever event they have planned. Want to go out and grab a bite? Sure I’m there. But now its different. I don’t walk alone. I have a significant other I have to think of. If I feel the relationship is going somewhere I am the type of person to invest even more time in that relationship.

She is the same. Her friend group mostly consists of guys. One of the things that I really like about her is that she gets along with every one, but very girly girls seem to get on her nervous. Plus she’s more out doors too, and active. So she has a lot of guy friends.

When we started dating the first time back in the beginning of the year I saw how she distanced herself from some of her guy friends. Not as much as to not speak to them anymore, but more out of respect for me. Later on, we all came to discover that one of her friends that later became a friend of mine actually wanted to get with her. I saw it from a mile away but she didn’t. Get my point?

I’m not saying that people with opposite sexual preferences can’t be friends.  They can, it has worked. I’m just saying its very possible that the relationship that those two individuals hold may become more than  just a friend ship without either of the two parties knowing about it.

If this is all too complicated, you can blame my brain because obviously somethings loose up in there.

I just wish that some friends would understand that just because we don’t communicate ever single day, that doesn’t mean that the friendship is over. We can still chat from time to time, even go out to eat and talk for a bit.

But I am with some one now. My priority is them. That is how I think.

Not to mention all the other random things I have going on in my life right now. Give me a break, I am only one person and I can only divide myself into so many people.