This Friday is when it started. I’m barley getting out of it but it’s lingering.
I don’t really know what happened. But it has the attention of almost everyone. All eyes are on me. Is he ok? What’s going on? He needs help. Everyone is worried about him.
I didn’t mean to worry anyone. Specially not my mom. I honestly don’t feel like I should have, or like I did. I binge watched Pretty Little liars all weekend with out getting out of bed. For anyone this is something normal. Something another millennial would do. But I have history.
My mom asked me if I was ok Saturday. I told her I was. But we both knew I wasn’t. I was tired. Tired of it all. Honestly, I just wanted to be alone. I just wanted to breathe, I wanted to get out of my head and float away into the fake lives of the characters on my screen. I wanted to forget about mine.
I didn’t go to church on Sunday, which only added fuel to the flames. My best friend texted me. Asked if I was ok. I didn’t text him back until today. One of the Elders called me, said he was worried and my mother had mentioned something to him. I didn’t reply or call back until today. Told him I was fine, he asked if there was something he could do to help. I didn’t text back.
I don’t want to talk about it anymore. I’m done. It happened. I was a little sad let’s move on, I’m better now. I’ll be fine, I’ll be ok. Just like the last time.
I’ve talked many times about anxiety on this blog. Its a safe place for me to express my emotions without feeling ashamed of them. Many people don’t like to talk about their anxiety with other people because they feel that they are minimized. They feel that the people they tell don’t really care for how they feel or take it as if that person is just asking for attention. I’ve felt this way many times.
At the beginning of last year I was at my emotional worst. I had feelings here and there and I was all over the place. Some how, it feels as if I’m falling back into that cycle.
I think the years of handling stress has worn me down. I used to not be phased by challenges that came about. Dad left? Chill about it. Getting kicked out by landlords? Ok cool. Best friend distancing himself from me? I guess. My moms cancer. Yikes. Every little thing life has thrown my way has been chipping slowly at my wall of strength. So it takes a lot more of me to get back up when I get knocked down.
Get this though, through all this I’ve always had anxiety. I’ve survived. But I’m not gonna lie, sometimes I was able to handle it, and sometimes I couldn’t, I would take it out on myself.
I’m not exactly sure if what I have is anxiety. Maybe it’s just depression? Or maybe both? Who knows. I just know I’m not supposed to feel like I do. At least I’m trying not to.
She was wearing all black sitting in an old 90’s Toyota with the windows rolled down on a hill looking towards the city she grew up in. She cried with pain for how her life turned out, not how she pictured it when she was young. The words her brother in law had spoken to her earlier, do us a favor and kill yourself, rang in her ears. They echoed but instead of loosing momentum the words only got louder, and they only dug deeper. She knew that everyone else knew she wasn’t ok. But they didn’t do anything to save her. So she sent her good bye text messages to the people she loved and she thought loved her as minutes later she ran a blade down her thin innocent wrists.
Coming home from a long day at work all she wanted to do was take some pain pills and go to sleep. Her diabetes was not doing well for the day and her feet were swollen. The new dog one of her daughters had just gotten her peed all over the place, but before she could scream at it she noticed her phone was full of missed calls. She called back one of her daughters, the one who had called her more than fifteen times. She lay in bed as her daughter explained how her husband got in a fight with her sister, or in her case her daughters, and he had said mean things to her knowing she was bipolar. Immediately she arose not worried about how tired she was. Not concerned about the piss all over the floor. She just got in her truck and searched for her daughter. This wasn’t the first time this daughter ran off this way. She worked along side her daughter at the same job every day, but today she didn’t see her. That should have warned her. Her daughter left the house as soon as she turned eighteen, she moved in with her older sister. An older sister that let her husband bad mouth her bipolar sister who had a history of depression. She searched everywhere and after hours of looking she almost lost it when she received a good bye message from the same daughter she’d been looking for.
Patrolling the streets isn’t an easy job. Specially at night. He gets an unusual call from dispatch saying there is a suicidal young adult near his location. He has nothing else to do so he checks it out. As soon as he gets there he calls for an ambulance back up. He runs to his patrol car and grabs his first aid kit which he would usually only use if he was wounded, but a life was at risk. The paramedics take over once they arrive. Soon she’s rushed to the hospital.
He’s been dating her for a while now. They met at work, the same place where her mother works yet she does not know they are dating. So arriving at the hospital were he was informed that his girlfriend was taken after an attempted suicide and seeing her mother there was extremely awkward. He knew her bipolar history but he never got to witness an episode while they dated. He was shocked and didn’t know what to do or say to console the mother right after finding out they were dating.
Now they all sat in the waiting room for hours. Waiting for her to wake up. But she didn’t. So they had nothing else to do but to go back to work awaiting a call that she had risen from the darkness she had fallen into. Their coworkers asked what was going on they seemed anxious and always kept checking their phones, but they only told the few they trusted.
I was one of them and this is their story.
If you know someone who is going through something similar to this, please don’t hesitate to help. I took this story very personal. I’ve been through this. I’ve seen the effect it does on a person. And all I wished for was help. A hug, or even a sincere conversation with someone to make me feel like I mattered.
If you’re the one going through this please remember that people love you but sometimes they don’t know how to show it or don’t even know how. You are important. You matter. And remember, one day that feeling will pass and you will feel so much better than you do now.
I consider myself a very happy person. Not like over the top happy just happy in general aside from my issues happy lol. If you see me, most likely I will give you a warm smile. Usually when talking with friends if they have some sort of issue I’ll do my best to give them advice or at least try to make them see the bright side of things, if there is no bright side, then I’ll try to make them see what can be learned from the experience?
But yesterday, oh boy yesterday. Let’s talk about yesterday, so, I came back from Los Angeles sleep deprived since I only slept three or so hours because I went to a club the night before and fell asleep as soon as I got home.
When I woke up I really woke up in a bad mood. Not a grumpy mood just less energetic. Like not wanting to deal with anyone, not wanting to speak to anyone or have anyone speak to me. Even though I had a great nap and it was one of the bests I’ve ever had I woke up feeling ugh I’m going to say it, sad.
I’m not a sad person, well not anymore at least. I texted a friend who always see things in a different way. I told her that I needed some of her infinite wisdom. She’s those types of people that doesn’t chose sides. You tell her give me the reasons why Orange is the best color and she will, but she will also give you the reasons why it’s not, so she’s a very neutral person and I love her for that. She always makes me see both side of the coin.
She told me it was natural that I was feeling a little bit under the weather. She told me that we can’t be happy all the time. But that’s the thing, I need to be happy, I really hate being emotional or worrying about things.
The thing is that this feeling goes beyond feeling sad, its more if a tiredfeeling. Yes, I think that’s a better way of describing it. So, I have been more “out there” as they say, making new friends, dating and what not, going to parties, and just talking to friends more in general. Being this social is draining to say the least. For someone who didn’t even want to go to work and then only a couple months later have all these things on his list to do is a real dramatic change. A change that is good, because I hate being the victim. But nonetheless its still draining me. Because I haven’t had any me time. Or any alone time.
I think I need to disconnect for at least one day. Maybe turn my phone off for the whole day and just do me. Have no one know where I am or go out and just have fun by myself, center my thoughts and have a moment to myself. Or maybe I just need chocolate?
My soul is crushed. I feel broken. As if a part of me was no more. Memories consume me. Pictures bring me to tears. I knew this day would come eventually but not this soon.
When I got home from work this evening my mom was waiting for me sitting patiently. It seemed weird to me but she acted normal. I thought she was just hot and wanted to be closer to the AC. I sat next to her and listened to how her day had gone. How some friends come to visit her and gave her advice. One of her friends had cancer. I was glad she could help my mom with her experience and how she handled everything.
After I told my mom how my day went she told me she had news that were rather sad. She didn’t know how I was going to react. I didn’t either. I was scared nonetheless. Then she said it. My dog past away. It was like my world had sunken. Like water levels had drastically risen and were were submerged and fighting for our last breaths. I didn’t understand. I ran outside. I had to see for myself. It must have been a lie, it had to be a lie, but it wasn’t.
He laid there motionless. My best friend. The only one who was and had always been there for me. The one who was always eager to lend a ear. The one who was always happy to see me. The one I knew I could trust in. Ten years of my life we had spent together. Through the good and the bad.
And now that was all gone. He was gone. No more. I was crushed. Heartbroken. I stood there trying not to cry. trying to act mature. But with everything else going on and now this? It was nearing impossible. How do you lose a friend and not cry? How do you go through one of the hardest months in your life and not cry?
Maybe a pets death wouldn’t make some one cry like I did. But I was like a strong glass at a wedding toast that took a beating with a silver spoon. And as it continued the glass cracked ever so slightly. Each hit was less then before but the glass cracked more and more because it was becoming fragile with every hit. Until the spoon won. It was my tip of the iceberg, the last hit.
I will miss you. You were the best friend I ever had. You came into my life when I was young and needed someone to lean on. You became my friend and then soon family, to not only me but my brother and mother. I grew up with you. I’m going to miss seeing you. I’m going to miss playing with you. I’m going to miss the way you jumped up and down when you heard the bag of dog food. I’m going to miss when I would go away for a couple of hours and returned to your warm and happy trot. I’m going to miss coming home and you being the first thing I saw.
I’m sorry we didn’t get to have more time with each other. I’m sorry I didn’t treat you better. Sorry I didn’t spoil you more. Sorry I didn’t give you more of my love. I’m sorry I didn’t give you the best life. I’m sorry life was this short for you. I will always remember you.
In the loving memory of Bongo. You will be missed, rest in peace in doggy heaven.