Life/Voice

Where are you taking me?

I know I can’t ask much from you, though I have never really asked for much in the first place.

I feel like right now I am in a state between knowing what I have to do and not knowing at all what I should do.

I feel as if I am swimming. At one point it feels as though I am moving along with the water and it feels free and liberating, I almost make no movement while I float on and let the waves carry me where ever they want. But then once I notice, the waves are only taking me to sharp rocks with thousand feet water falls filled with sharks at the bottom ready to devour what ever drops down, that’s when I know I have been tricked.

I know that geographically speaking this is impossible, but its possible in my head. It happens. If I swim against the current I get weak and my body aches, my head starts throbbing and I can barely breathe. Why do I even try? I ask myself, but I do not respond.

Is it that I do not even want to talk to myself? Or is it that at this point there is no sense in speaking to my inner conscience? Has he given in to what life has thrown at him? Settled for less than what he wanted? Gave up on the dream he once had? Is he fading away into the vast darkness he was once running away from?

What do I tell him when he asks why he should keep swimming, when I myself do not have the answer? Should I lie? Should I make him believe in more lies just to keep him going? Because without him, then who am I? We need each other do we not? Or can one survive without that little voice in their head telling them right from wrong. Happy from sad. Everything and nothing.

The little voice in my head is fading, everyday it gets more faint than the day before. Should I be happy? Should I be sad? I tried asking him, but again he did not reply.

Knock Knock. Who’s There? It’s Anxiety Bitch

I went to the gym today. Instead of getting off my car, like a normal person would, I stayed there in the parking lot for about 30 minutes contemplating life. Why? Well, wouldn’t we all like to know.

The cars passed by unaware of what I was going through. Its funny how the world still continues when our brains have stopped to think about nonsense. Nothing will ever be placed on hold for you, its a sad reality but its true.

I didn’t plan this sudden burst of anxiety. Like usual it comes out of the blue and its uninvited. I packed my gym bag, took my brother to his job, and then I headed to the gym with the intention to go hard and be fit. Why is it that I couldn’t get off my car?

I fucking hate anxiety. Hate it. It stops me from doing things that are so simple to some people. At the end of the day its still my fault, I haven’t been taking my medication the correct way.

SO, you can basically say that this post is pointless, “just take your god dam pills and get over yourself.” I hear you say. You have a valid point. I am self destructing at this point, I don’t even know why I do it honestly. But sometimes it sounds like there are a lot of little Me’s in my head and they all want me to do what they tell me to.

I need to get back to taking them how they are supposed to be taken. I just hate the fact that I have to depend on them or else I feel like shit.

Why can’t I just be normal like everyone else?

Empty.

What a fucking Monday.

I woke up feeling good today. I was going to conquer the world and make it mine. Nothing and no one was going to get in my way, and if they were, they had better watch out for I was not going to let them stop me.

Work was good, slow yes, and it dragged a little more that it should have but I still made it through. I had a date to go to after work and I was excited to say the least. This was going to be the fourth time I was going to see this guy that I am dating.

Back story: I just told my mom that I wasn’t going to go to church anymore and she took it better than I thought, yesterday. My ex texted me this morning, I’m assuming because she didn’t see me at church yesterday. I didn’t reply though.

Let me get into the date first. It was bad. I try to laugh at anything. I even laugh at things that I should probably not laugh at. I know who to laugh with though, that’s how I get through life. But this dude does not smile even when he passes gas. Like bro, try smiling a little, it will feel good! Other than that we did talk a lot. We disagree on everything for the most part. Just because that’s so doesn’t mean I’ll end it. I know that we wont last, but right now I don’t even know how to tell him that, or maybe its just the whole entire situation.

Anyways, I get home after what ever type of date that was and my mom wasn’t home. This took me by surprise and odd since her car was there and she usually tells me where shes at. 20 minutes later she shows up. She gets dropped off by a car that I know for a fact was my ex.

I see her walking up the drive way and I ask her where she was. All she says is that she was out with friends at stores. She didn’t want to say that she was with my ex but I saw her drive off. As she approaches the front door, I hug her. I say that I’m sorry. I don’t even know why I say it but I can see the hurt on her face. She had been crying.

She starts crying in my arms. You know the worst feeling in the world? Its not physical pain. Picture the person you love the most, the person you don’t even want to think about living without, the person that makes your life complete, the person who would give their own life to save yours and yours for them, the person who has always been there for you even when no one else was, picture that person. Now, picture them in your arms, crying, because of you. You did this to them. You hurt them so much that they cry in your arms for 30 minutes. Your shirt is now wet. They aren’t even producing any tears anymore because you drained them out of all of them. They’re finished, done. They cried all they could cry and now all they are is hurt. By you. You did this to them, you hurt them. How do you feel? Do you like that? How does that feel?

Don’t tell me how I should fucking feel, don’t.

I let her cry while I held her. It is the least I can do. Right? She needed to let it all out. And she did. I can still hear her sob in her room right at this moment when my music goes from song after song in between the pauses. I hate hearing her like this. I did that to her.

I told her that I want to make everyone happy but that hurts me, when I try to be happy I hurt everyone else and then that ends up hurting me too. She told me to pray. I’ll do it. If God is real, he will help me right? I have been taught one way and I feel it to be true but at the same time I don’t want it to be true. I have two sides here telling me that their way is the right way and I don’t know which one to chose.

How did I feel about all this? I felt so much pain. I have never felt so much pain in my entire life. Seeing my mom hurt like this, I don’t think anyone no matter how much I tell them, I love my mom, they will never understand. I’d rather feel her pain than have her feel it.

Now I don’t feel anything. At all. I’m like an empty glass bottle. Heavy, but very empty. There’s nothing inside, its all see through. I don’t like this feeling. I need to feel something. Because when I do, then I know what to do, but now, what do I do?

I’m Better Now

This Friday is when it started. I’m barley getting out of it but it’s lingering.

I don’t really know what happened. But it has the attention of almost everyone. All eyes are on me. Is he ok? What’s going on? He needs help. Everyone is worried about him.

I didn’t mean to worry anyone. Specially not my mom. I honestly don’t feel like I should have, or like I did. I binge watched Pretty Little liars all weekend with out getting out of bed. For anyone this is something normal. Something another millennial would do. But I have history.

My mom asked me if I was ok Saturday. I told her I was. But we both knew I wasn’t. I was tired. Tired of it all. Honestly, I just wanted to be alone. I just wanted to breathe, I wanted to get out of my head and float away into the fake lives of the characters on my screen. I wanted to forget about mine.

I didn’t go to church on Sunday, which only added fuel to the flames. My best friend texted me. Asked if I was ok. I didn’t text him back until today. One of the Elders called me, said he was worried and my mother had mentioned something to him. I didn’t reply or call back until today. Told him I was fine, he asked if there was something he could do to help. I didn’t text back.

I don’t want to talk about it anymore. I’m done. It happened. I was a little sad let’s move on, I’m better now. I’ll be fine, I’ll be ok. Just like the last time.

Cycle

I’ve talked many times about anxiety on this blog. Its a safe place for me to express my emotions without feeling ashamed of them. Many people don’t like to talk about their anxiety with other people because they feel that they are minimized. They feel that the people they tell don’t really care for how they feel or take it as if that person is just asking for attention. I’ve felt this way many times.

At the beginning of last year I was at my emotional worst. I had feelings here and there and I was all over the place. Some how, it feels as if I’m falling back into that cycle.

I think the years of handling stress has worn me down. I used to not be phased by challenges that came about. Dad left? Chill about it. Getting kicked out by landlords? Ok cool. Best friend distancing himself from me? I guess. My moms cancer. Yikes. Every little thing life has thrown my way has been chipping slowly at my wall of strength. So it takes a lot more of me to get back up when I get knocked down.

Get this though, through all this I’ve always had anxiety. I’ve survived. But I’m not gonna lie, sometimes I was able to handle it, and sometimes I couldn’t, I would take it out on myself.

I’m not exactly sure if what I have is anxiety. Maybe it’s just depression? Or maybe both? Who knows. I just know I’m not supposed to feel like I do. At least I’m trying not to.

;

She was wearing all black sitting in an old 90’s Toyota with the windows rolled down on a hill looking towards the city she grew up in. She cried with pain for how her life turned out, not how she pictured it when she was young. The words her brother in law had spoken to her earlier, do us a favor and kill yourself, rang in her ears. They echoed but instead of loosing momentum the words only got louder, and they only dug deeper. She knew that everyone else knew she wasn’t ok. But they didn’t do anything to save her. So she sent her good bye text messages to the people she loved and she thought loved her as minutes later she ran a blade down her thin innocent wrists.


Coming home from a long day at work all she wanted to do was take some pain pills and go to sleep. Her diabetes was not doing well for the day and her feet were swollen. The new dog one of her daughters had just gotten her peed all over the place, but before she could scream at it she noticed her phone was full of missed calls. She called back one of her daughters, the one who had called her more than fifteen times. She lay in bed as her daughter explained how her husband got in a fight with her sister, or in her case her daughters, and he had said mean things to her knowing she was bipolar. Immediately she arose not worried about how tired she was. Not concerned about the piss all over the floor. She just got in her truck and searched for her daughter. This wasn’t the first time this daughter ran off this way. She worked along side her daughter at the same job every day, but today she didn’t see her. That should have warned her. Her daughter left the house as soon as she turned eighteen, she moved in with her older sister. An older sister that let her husband bad mouth her bipolar sister who had a history of depression. She searched everywhere and after hours of looking she almost lost it when she received a good bye message from the same daughter she’d been looking for.


Patrolling the streets isn’t an easy job. Specially at night. He gets an unusual call from dispatch saying there is a suicidal young adult near his location. He has nothing else to do so he checks it out. As soon as he gets there he calls for an ambulance back up. He runs to his patrol car and grabs his first aid kit which he would usually only use if he was wounded, but a life was at risk. The paramedics take over once they arrive. Soon she’s rushed to the hospital.


He’s been dating her for a while now. They met at work, the same place where her mother works yet she does not know they are dating. So arriving at the hospital were he was informed that his girlfriend was taken after an attempted suicide and seeing her mother there was extremely awkward. He knew her bipolar history but he never got to witness an episode while they dated. He was shocked and didn’t know what to do or say to console the mother right after finding out they were dating.


Now they all sat in the waiting room for hours. Waiting for her to wake up. But she didn’t. So they had nothing else to do but to go back to work awaiting a call that she had risen from the darkness she had fallen into. Their coworkers asked what was going on they seemed anxious and always kept checking their phones, but they only told the few they trusted.

I was one of them and this is their story.

If you know someone who is going through something similar to this, please don’t hesitate to help. I took this story very personal. I’ve been through this. I’ve seen the effect it does on a person. And all I wished for was help. A hug, or even a sincere conversation with someone to make me feel like I mattered.

If you’re the one going through this please remember that people love you but sometimes they don’t know how to show it or don’t even know how. You are important. You matter. And remember, one day that feeling will pass and you will feel so much better than you do now.

Let’s Talk About Yesterday

I consider myself a very happy person. Not like over the top happy just happy in general aside from my issues happy lol. If you see me, most likely I will give you a warm smile. Usually when talking with friends if they have some sort of issue I’ll do my best to give them advice or at least try to make them see the bright side of things, if there is no bright side, then I’ll try to make them see what can be learned from the experience?

But yesterday, oh boy yesterday. Let’s talk about yesterday, so, I came back from Los Angeles sleep deprived since I only slept three or so hours because I went to a club the night before and fell asleep as soon as I got home.

When I woke up I really woke up in a bad mood. Not a grumpy mood just less energetic. Like not wanting to deal with anyone, not wanting to speak to anyone or have anyone speak to me. Even though I had a great nap and it was one of the bests I’ve ever had I woke up feeling ugh I’m going to say it, sad.

I’m not a sad person, well not anymore at least. I texted a friend who always see things in a different way. I told her that I needed some of her infinite wisdom. She’s those types of people that doesn’t chose sides. You tell her give me the reasons why Orange is the best color and she will, but she will also give you the reasons why it’s not, so she’s a very neutral person and I love her for that. She always makes me see both side of the coin.

She told me it was natural that I was feeling a little bit under the weather. She told me that we can’t be happy all the time. But that’s the thing, I need to be happy, I really hate being emotional or worrying about things.

The thing is that this feeling goes beyond feeling sad, its more if a tired feeling. Yes, I think that’s a better way of describing it. So, I have been more “out there” as they say, making new friends, dating and what not, going to parties, and just talking to friends more in general. Being this social is draining to say the least. For someone who didn’t even want to go to work and then only a couple months later have all these things on his list to do is a real dramatic change. A change that is good, because I hate being the victim. But nonetheless its still draining me. Because I haven’t had any me time. Or any alone time.

I think I need to disconnect for at least one day. Maybe turn my phone off for the whole day and just do me. Have no one know where I am or go out and just have fun by myself, center my thoughts and have a moment to myself. Or maybe I just need chocolate?