Internship Interview

I had my first internship interview today.

I have to be completely honest by saying that I almost didn’t even go. I was really nervous and a little upset that it was so far away. Not to mention I was sick, so the whole drive over I was just in a bad mood with myself.

I even debated on weather I should just tell my teacher that I wouldn’t be able to make it because I was too sick. But instead I talked myself into just biting the bullet and just winging the interview just for the experience, then maybe after telling my teacher to send me somewhere closer.

To my surprise though, I really liked the place and the interviewer. She was very nice and seemed to really like me and my experience. I also liked the position. The place is a non-profit, I will be working under her supervision in the marketing and service department for the business doing clerical and administrative things.

I don’t know yet if I have the internship job, she still has to go over the applicants resumes and then she will inform our teacher, but I do hope that I get it. At first I really didn’t even want to go, but in the end now I want that internship.

It was a feeling or a sense of belonging. As though that is where I should be, that is where the universe wants me to be. In other words it just felt right.

Fingers are crossed so hopefully I get it.

2019 Throughout My Year

2019 is almost over and a lot of things are still going to happen before its over, so I want to write this post now that I have the time to.

THIS YEAR MAN, wow this year has been a year right? Or is it just me? Lets break it down;

January

I had been MIA at the end of last year because I was super “religious”. I didn’t really want to blog because I felt that it was worldly. January was the time I came back to this blog, and I came back with a girlfriend. I know, I’m still surprised that even happened but it did. I don’t know what I was thinking. I was lying to myself, deep down I knew it wasn’t going to work out. I did love her though, just not the way I thought I did.

February

I started to see cracks in my relationship with the girl I had been dating from church. Along with stupid church rules we had to follow, we also had to abide by her fathers rules, which sucked. My anxiety was at an all time high and I was not in a good place. I wasn’t happy at all.

March

This month was a big month you could say, not as big as some that are yet to come but it was a something. I broke up with the girl I was dating, started a failed YouTube channel, and started to see the cracks in my former job and religion, which now I don’t have either or.

April

This month was really productive. I was out looking for a new job because things were getting too stressful at my current one. I remember applying to many jobs and hoping to be called in. I didn’t know then but now I am glad no one hired me, things happen for a reason. I also started to have issues with my then best friend from church. This would later result in us not speaking to each other. But it was going to end that way either way since I left the religion, he can’t talk to me now anyways.

May

This is the month that I will mark when my then best friend and I stopped being friends. I remember stressing over our friendship while he was in Cancun having the time of his life with other church people. I was stressed, I had anxiety issues, and to add to everything they had just told us at work that they were doing a mass layoff. Not to mention I was starting to be fed up with the religion I was going that I started to ask myself why I was even going if it was making me so unhappy.

June

This has to be one of the most important months of the year for me. It was when I finally left the religion I was in. I told my mom that I would no longer be assisting the church she had raised me in. It hurt like a mother fucker. It felt like I was putting a knife right in her chest. It was hard, but it was worth it. I also started dating again. I met what I thought was a nice guy and we had a couple of good dates here and there. Mean while my mother was balling her eyes out because she thought Satan had his claws on me. I slowly started to tell my coworkers that I was Gay, and it felt really liberating.

July

I just had ended things with the guy I was dating when the girl I had dated before wanted to meet to talk. I don’t know why I said yes, maybe to be nice? Seeing her again felt refreshing and I still don’t know why I felt the way I felt. I felt bad for her, she wanted me and she was suffering, plus she was a nice girl and I really enjoyed her company. You can put a gun to my face and ask me why I got back with her and I still wouldn’t know what to answer. Maybe I did it for her, maybe to make my mother a little more happier since I wasn’t going to church that would cheer her up. I don’t really know.

August

I was having a good time with the girl I was back together with. I was also excited to leave my work since the time had come to be let go. I was going to collect unemployment and go back to school, which is exactly what I am doing and I am acing my class thank you very much. This is also the month when I started to take my anti anxiety pills. I’m unsure what it was that made me see a doctor but I guess I was just fed up with feeling the way I was. I started to really research the religion I had been a part of my whole life. It was a cult. At first I didn’t want to know anything about it, I wanted it out of my life and I didn’t want anything to remind me that I was once part of it, but this month I was over that phase and I started discovering what it was actually about.

September

I was already having issues with the girl I was dating. She didn’t like my friends because she thought they were the reason I had left the religion. Since she was in it she would always ask me when I was going to go back. It was irritating and I didn’t like it. Eventually since we were both unhappy we split up and I haven’t heard from her since. Soon later I jumped back into the dating pool as if I never had left and started swimming with the fishes. I dated many guys, but one caught my eye… again. I met him over a year ago and now he’s my Boyfriend and I love him.

October

I started to fall for my boyfriend by this time. It was really crazy how much I enjoyed his company. I wanted nothing but him. Every weekend would be so much. He made me feel so good about myself I had never felt so safe with anyone like I did and do with him.

November

November started off really bad. My moms car broke down and I was feeling like I used to feel at the beginning of the year. I was finding fault in everything. If Debbie Downer had a younger brother his name would be Bobbie and I would be him. But the stars aligned and I got to spend Thanksgiving with my boyfriend and I had a great time with him and his family.

December

I’m not going to say that this is going to be the best month of the year because I don’t want to jinx it, so you get the picture. I have realized that I love the guy I’m dating, I love the person I am becoming, and I love the life I am starting to live. It’s been a long ass year and I deserve some fucking happiness. Later this month my boyfriend is taking a week off work for new years. We are going to celebrate it at a rave. He also asked me to stay with him for all the days of his vacation. I seriously can’t wait.

 

That’s my whole year in a nutshell.

2020 here I come.

 

BOOM

It’s been a couple of weeks. Not much has happened, but what has, you could say, is a lot within itself. Plus some of my favorite demons are back, as if they were ever invited. Let’s start off with the good first.

I celebrated my first Halloween in public this year. I had gone to a party one time but it was small, less then ten people were there. This time it was for school. Not much of a big deal I know, but there was a potluck and some of us dressed up. I had the time of my life. Plus we watched Hocus Pocus. I had watched it with my boyfriend a couple weeks before, but it was still nice watching it again in class, I felt like a little kid again.

My weekends have still been amazing. My boyfriend and I have only the weekend to enjoy each others company and we try to do the best to make it the best of times. What I truly just want is to spend time with him. We could stare at a wall together and I’d still be content, more than content, I’d be ecstatic.

This week has a been a hard one. My first issue I know is just me in my head. I spend Sunday night over at his house. But Monday morning I felt down. Like something was wrong like something wasn’t feeling right. I don’t know what it was. Everything was fine, I enjoyed the time I had been with him all weekend. We were still doing ok. We weren’t fighting about anything. But, there it was, that feeling of unease. What was it?

Later that day I took my moms car to get a transmission oil change because it was long over do. It has been making a weird noise already that started a couple of days before. On my way back, BOOM. The transmission blew out right in the middle of the street. I was mortified. Scared, I didn’t know what to do, I don’t know anything about cars. Some douche bag stopped next to me only to yell at me to get out of the street.

I let gravity pull me down to a gas station that was right next to where I had stopped. We had to call a tow to take it home because the car just didn’t want to budge. I tried to keep my calm but it was hard. I hadn’t felt that way in a while. It felt humiliating? I’m still trying to locate that feeling and put it where it belongs but it was just so wrong. I was frustrated.

The next day one of my moms friends checked it and he said that the transmission was no good anymore and he would fix it, but it would take him 3 week. Great.

To add on to the hot mess of this week, I have been called Unemployment to see if I got the extension for school and all I get is a stupid machine. I feel like the world is out to get me. The damn week isn’t even over and I’m really annoyed by how it started.

I have a lot to think about and a lot of feelings going on in my brain right now and its all a mess. I haven’t really had a week like this in months. I hate feeling like this. I don’t want to feel down.

I constantly tell my friends that they should feel good, they should be happy, and things will get better. But its hard when I’m the one going through shit.

When Superman is feeling down, who helps him up?

This Is Life

Just when I think life is going great, it likes to remind me that it still has a sense of humor. What would we be with out a little help from life when we feel like we are on cloud nine?

So, in my last post I said how I felt everything was (is) going great in my life right now. I don’t think that I am at my prime, but I am very content with how things are going. Friday though, I got a little reminder that this life is no fairly tale.

I was going to pay my bills when I noticed I didn’t have any money. Yikes, I know. Money, money, money, don’t you just hate it? Without it you can nearly not do anything. It doesn’t buy happiness but it sure does pay the bills, am I right?

Well, turns out they stopped my Unemployment benefits for about a month. I don’t know why, and I don’t even remember getting a notice saying they were going to do so, that’s the government for you.

Anyways I reopened my claim. I have a feeling it was probably something I did or didn’t do. I did get a notice that I didn’t have to be reporting that I was looking for work anymore because I was going to school but I most likely still needed at least one more week of reporting before that took in effect. I hope that’s the case and this gets resolved as fast as it can be. In the end if it doesn’t I’ll just have to look for a part time job.

I am very proud of how I’m handling this situation. The old me would have freaked out, possibly had a minor anxiety attack. How am I going to pay my bills? How am I going to pay for gas to go to school? Social life? All these things did pop up in my head. But this time I sat myself down and thought, this isn’t the end of the world. You don’t have money, you’re not dying. Looking back at my past experiences and seeing how I was so worried and in most cases nothing really happened, I really saved myself the worry this time.

The thing about looking at a problem is not worrying about it, of course, you’re not going to just brush it off your shoulder like it doesn’t mean anything, no. What I mean is that you are going to look past it and find a solution. That’s what I did. I reopened my claim. If that doesn’t work then I’ll get a part time job.

I don’t want to be stuck in a cycle of worry and anxiety. I want to get up, look up, and be strong and move on from whatever problem I face. Because this is life, and there are going to be tons of problems, its how I see them and over come them that makes life great.

Personal Growth

I have been really proud of myself lately.

If you don’t like to listen to people brag about themselves then you might want to click off because today I’m bragging, and I’m going to do a lot of it because I have not been this proud of myself in maybe years.

If you have been catching up with the hot mess we are willing to call my life, you know that its one hell of a crazy ride. I have my ups and downs and my mental break downs, it’s all fun though…

This year has been the most, by far, the most craziest. But I’m glad it had all happened. You know, things happen for a reason and I truly believe that. I feel that everything I have been through has led me to where I am at today, and maybe if I hadn’t gone through those things I wouldn’t be here. And I like this new found place.

First, the whole religion thing. Sure, I could have left a long time ago, I ask myself many times why I hadn’t, but you know what? I’m letting that question float away with the wind. I don’t need to ask myself that anymore, I’m fine that I left when I did. I am content. The place where I am at spiritually (if you care) is nonexistent at the moment. I am OK with that too. That doesn’t mean I am not searching for God or something, it just means that at the moment I need to take a break, step back, and see what happens in the future.

My family. My mother is healthy and well and so is my brother. He has a stable job and he doesn’t go to church. I know some people would be sad that he doesn’t but I’m glad he never got that involved with that organization. I know if anything happens he’ll still be by my side.

My friends. They’re great. No, we don’t get the opportunity to be around each other every second of the day, but when we can we get together. We keep in contact and I know that they are here for me if I ever do need them. I appreciate them so much for sticking by my side when I was going through everything, or when at least they tried. Sometimes its mostly my fault because I never let them know in the first place.

School. I don’t mean to brag, again, but I do mean to brag when I say that I am at the top of my class. I don’t care, call me a nerd. I find that to be awesome to know what is going on and to keep all that knowledge inside my brain. I’m not greedy though, when ever I get the chance I help my classmates. I love to help them when they don’t understand something. There is something so satisfying when some appreciates you and gives you that thank you smile.

Last but not least, my new relationship. I am still nervous to lose it, but it seems to be flourishing into something beautiful. I know there is no perfect match out there but this one comes pretty close. We are taking it slow so we can get to know each other and I’m perfectly fine with that, it’s just what I needed.

The person I was five years ago would not believe who I am now. Five years ago I would have never imagined that I would be in a place like I am today, that I would feel this great and that I would actually know how it felt to be happy again. Its great.

Life is great when you start doing things that you want to do and start living for yourself and not for others.

This is your life, it’s short, enjoy it.