School’s Out

I have officially finished school.

Today was the last zoom “meeting” we had with our teacher. It was, the ceremony we will never have, because of COVID.

In all honesty it was rather sad and depressing but what can you do about it, this stupid virus go the best of the world this year and it took lives, events, and peoples plans with it.

I am happy that I finished it though. I don’t know if I am happy that I am done with it or that I actually accomplished it, maybe both. Either way its done.

What’s next for me? Well, I still have one more test to pass to get a certain certification but other than that I can start looking for clerical jobs around my area. I still work part time for my internship that hired me, which I am great full for. But, to have a job closer and it be full time would be better.

What will the rest of 2020 bring us? I feel like we’ve seen enough.

Day 2

I don’t know if I can say that I have been feeling any better than I did on the first day. It has only been two days since I came out, even though it feels like both years ago and just yesterday at the same time.

I told a couple of my close friends what was going on and they have been really supportive. I do have very loving friends and they care about me a lot and it makes me feel really special and loved.

I still have some things that I left back at my moms house. I don’t know when or if I will ever go pick them up. I have my dogs there, I would love to bring them here with me but as the situation looks right now I think they’re better off over there.

I still need to get used to living somewhere else. It feels odd. Nothing is mine and I feel as if I’m intruding on someones personal space. I don’t like to be a burden either. But I guess its something that with time I will have to get used to. I’m with my boyfriend so it shouldn’t feel as though I am with a stranger anyways. Although, everything right now seems super strange.

Yesterday I almost didn’t do any schoolwork. I was to tired. So today I have to go at it hard. There are only about 3 weeks left until I get my certificate of completion. My job said they wouldn’t make me full time but I’m good with the part time for now.

One step at a time. I’m not any better than I was before, but I am OK.

Stay Healthy.

You would think that by being at home I would be able to write more, but it seems by brain has been drain from so many Netflix watching and junk food eating that I lost track of time when there time didn’t exist.

I’ve been doing all my school work from home it really reminds me of my home schooled days back in High school. I was home schooled all of high school and it wasn’t that bad. Now it feels the same because out teacher just gives us assignments and we basically have to teach it to ourselves. It’s not that bad though.

I weighed myself the other day, I have gained about 10 or so Quarantine wight. Not sure if that is a thing but it should be. It has almost been two months that I have not actually gone anywhere but the store for groceries. I really can’t wait until things go back to normal.

I don’t want to party, and I don’t want to go to clubs as all the memes on Instagram are saying. I just want to hang out with my boyfriend, go to the movies, go out and eat, go hiking. All the cute things that we used to do before this mess.

This week I started getting up early and going for a walk. It is a walk right now but I may want to switch it up into a job later on, when my body gets used to it a little more. It feels nice, and I thought it was going to be hard waking up early and getting in the routine but it hasn’t which is a good thing. I also started to eat way healthier than I was back in April.

I don’t know about you but we are still in lock down and we have about two more weeks to go, unless they decide to extend it again. I don’t think they will but even when they do open I know there will be a lot of restrictions. Which to me is a good thing, I don’t want there to be another phase of this thing.

I hope everyone is doing well and being safe, stay healthy.

All the Crazy

You’re probably tired of hearing about the Corona Virus, I know me too. But I don’t take it very lightly. I understand that the internet has made it into a huge joke when there are thousands of people dying but again, in their defense, they don’t want to go insane with all the crazy that has been going on the past couple of months.

Anyways, do to all this mess my school has been canceled and with it so has my internship. I really don’t know what they will do with out me ( ha ha ). But I hope they stay safe and follow all the CDC guidelines. At first it was canceled until the end of march, but they then extended it to the end of April.

I don’t know how everything is going to work out now that I wont be interning for at least two months, or who knows it may be more? Will I even graduate? These times are crazy to be honest. But, on the bright side, I don’t have to drive 40 mins two times a week and waste gas that I don’t even have.

So now I have been at home just chilling playing the Switch an extremely unusual amount for a person in their mid twenties (I mean depends who you ask). Being at home I also have my mother in my ear telling me that these are the signs that the Bible has warns us about and the end is near and is inevitable. She keeps watching her religious videos about the end of times and she keeps the volume on high so I can hear, and to be honest, I do hear. It brings back unwanted flash backs of speeches and articles I used to read when I was in the religion myself. I told her that I didn’t believe in all that any more which I think may have hurt her feelings, but its the truth.

But is that even true? Part of me still wonders, what if they were always right? I mean can you blame me? Look around you and tell me you don’t see it? Because if you don’t then I want to be what ever you are on. Nevertheless, if they are right then in the end I still want to live the life that I am currently living, so, I guess I will burn in hell or where ever they want me to, no?

This is going to sound weird to say but, I went to an interview just yesterday. I know, in the mists of a total lock down who knew I would be able to get an interview? I was surprised too. When they started closing everything down I stopped applying at places. But somehow these people are still hiring. I think it went really well. The person who interviewed me seemed to like me, plus I knew the system they used in their warehouse. I haven’t heard anything back from them yet but I am hoping it works out. I need a job, but I’m pretty sure a thousand others do too.

In the mean time I suppose I’ll go back to playing on the Switch or watching Netflix, but is there anything worth watching anymore? I could get started on all the school work I now have to do thanks to the shutdown, but is that really the thing I need right now? No I don’t think so.

Broke to Immensely in Debt

The unemployment system sucks ass.

First off, the pay sucks, second if you have any concerns or questions about your case or what ever it is you are trying to solve don’t even bother calling because all you will get is an answering machine, there is literally no option to speak to a real breathing person. Not to mention their only window to call is 8 am to 12 pm.

This is has been my life for the past couple of weeks. My unemployment is all gone, used up. So I have gone from being broke to immensely in debt. My credit cards are slowly going to start maxing out, and then I’ll start freaking out.

I have been applying to jobs for weeks now, I’m starting to think that my resume is not one of the best, even though my teacher helped me on it.

What I’m looking for is a part time job. I have school, I have my internship, and then I want to spend time with my boyfriend. Yet, I can’t get a job. I lost count of all the places I have applied to, its ridiculous.

I have thought of going to a work agency, but I have stopped myself because of my availability. They would have to find some where really special for me.

I already talked it with my boyfriend, letting him know that if and when I get a job we might have to see each other less. He was cool about it, more cooler that I wish he would have been but maybe he needs a break from my crazy needy ass.

I could try to add an extension to my unemployment, but I am so over them. I have had so many issues with them in the beginning of the whole process and I really don’t want to go through all that again, I’d rather get a job. Even if I have to loose sleep.

My internship is over in a couple of months, I have worked two jobs before and they have lasted just as long, so I figure I can do it again, which is why I’m looking for a night job or something.

At this point I’m willing to sell my kidney.

Everything Is Moving Along, Fast

Life is rolling on fast, January is almost over, the year is already flying by.

I start my internship this upcoming Tuesday. (Yes, I got it). I am excited. I will be interning for a non-profit organization that helps people with autism find jobs and teach them how to work with others.

I’ve always wondered what it was like to work for a non-profit organization. Now I have this opportunity to learn and get experience from all these wonderful humans.

I will working in the marketing and resource department, and once in a while help out payroll and Human Resources. I’m in the administrative clerical field so basically anything related to office work is what I will be doing.

I can’t wait to start, although the drive is a little long and I’m not getting paid for any of this, the experience should be more than enough. I also think I was placed there for a reason. I’m ready to learn as much as I can, not just for work, but about life and people.

Pretty soon I will have my certificate of completion and I will be working. Life is moving extremely fast and I am just noticing this as I am typing. Originally I just wanted to talk about my internship, but now as I think about it, everything is moving along, fast.

Cherish every moment.

Internship Interview

I had my first internship interview today.

I have to be completely honest by saying that I almost didn’t even go. I was really nervous and a little upset that it was so far away. Not to mention I was sick, so the whole drive over I was just in a bad mood with myself.

I even debated on weather I should just tell my teacher that I wouldn’t be able to make it because I was too sick. But instead I talked myself into just biting the bullet and just winging the interview just for the experience, then maybe after telling my teacher to send me somewhere closer.

To my surprise though, I really liked the place and the interviewer. She was very nice and seemed to really like me and my experience. I also liked the position. The place is a non-profit, I will be working under her supervision in the marketing and service department for the business doing clerical and administrative things.

I don’t know yet if I have the internship job, she still has to go over the applicants resumes and then she will inform our teacher, but I do hope that I get it. At first I really didn’t even want to go, but in the end now I want that internship.

It was a feeling or a sense of belonging. As though that is where I should be, that is where the universe wants me to be. In other words it just felt right.

Fingers are crossed so hopefully I get it.

2019 Throughout My Year

2019 is almost over and a lot of things are still going to happen before its over, so I want to write this post now that I have the time to.

THIS YEAR MAN, wow this year has been a year right? Or is it just me? Lets break it down;

January

I had been MIA at the end of last year because I was super “religious”. I didn’t really want to blog because I felt that it was worldly. January was the time I came back to this blog, and I came back with a girlfriend. I know, I’m still surprised that even happened but it did. I don’t know what I was thinking. I was lying to myself, deep down I knew it wasn’t going to work out. I did love her though, just not the way I thought I did.

February

I started to see cracks in my relationship with the girl I had been dating from church. Along with stupid church rules we had to follow, we also had to abide by her fathers rules, which sucked. My anxiety was at an all time high and I was not in a good place. I wasn’t happy at all.

March

This month was a big month you could say, not as big as some that are yet to come but it was a something. I broke up with the girl I was dating, started a failed YouTube channel, and started to see the cracks in my former job and religion, which now I don’t have either or.

April

This month was really productive. I was out looking for a new job because things were getting too stressful at my current one. I remember applying to many jobs and hoping to be called in. I didn’t know then but now I am glad no one hired me, things happen for a reason. I also started to have issues with my then best friend from church. This would later result in us not speaking to each other. But it was going to end that way either way since I left the religion, he can’t talk to me now anyways.

May

This is the month that I will mark when my then best friend and I stopped being friends. I remember stressing over our friendship while he was in Cancun having the time of his life with other church people. I was stressed, I had anxiety issues, and to add to everything they had just told us at work that they were doing a mass layoff. Not to mention I was starting to be fed up with the religion I was going that I started to ask myself why I was even going if it was making me so unhappy.

June

This has to be one of the most important months of the year for me. It was when I finally left the religion I was in. I told my mom that I would no longer be assisting the church she had raised me in. It hurt like a mother fucker. It felt like I was putting a knife right in her chest. It was hard, but it was worth it. I also started dating again. I met what I thought was a nice guy and we had a couple of good dates here and there. Mean while my mother was balling her eyes out because she thought Satan had his claws on me. I slowly started to tell my coworkers that I was Gay, and it felt really liberating.

July

I just had ended things with the guy I was dating when the girl I had dated before wanted to meet to talk. I don’t know why I said yes, maybe to be nice? Seeing her again felt refreshing and I still don’t know why I felt the way I felt. I felt bad for her, she wanted me and she was suffering, plus she was a nice girl and I really enjoyed her company. You can put a gun to my face and ask me why I got back with her and I still wouldn’t know what to answer. Maybe I did it for her, maybe to make my mother a little more happier since I wasn’t going to church that would cheer her up. I don’t really know.

August

I was having a good time with the girl I was back together with. I was also excited to leave my work since the time had come to be let go. I was going to collect unemployment and go back to school, which is exactly what I am doing and I am acing my class thank you very much. This is also the month when I started to take my anti anxiety pills. I’m unsure what it was that made me see a doctor but I guess I was just fed up with feeling the way I was. I started to really research the religion I had been a part of my whole life. It was a cult. At first I didn’t want to know anything about it, I wanted it out of my life and I didn’t want anything to remind me that I was once part of it, but this month I was over that phase and I started discovering what it was actually about.

September

I was already having issues with the girl I was dating. She didn’t like my friends because she thought they were the reason I had left the religion. Since she was in it she would always ask me when I was going to go back. It was irritating and I didn’t like it. Eventually since we were both unhappy we split up and I haven’t heard from her since. Soon later I jumped back into the dating pool as if I never had left and started swimming with the fishes. I dated many guys, but one caught my eye… again. I met him over a year ago and now he’s my Boyfriend and I love him.

October

I started to fall for my boyfriend by this time. It was really crazy how much I enjoyed his company. I wanted nothing but him. Every weekend would be so much. He made me feel so good about myself I had never felt so safe with anyone like I did and do with him.

November

November started off really bad. My moms car broke down and I was feeling like I used to feel at the beginning of the year. I was finding fault in everything. If Debbie Downer had a younger brother his name would be Bobbie and I would be him. But the stars aligned and I got to spend Thanksgiving with my boyfriend and I had a great time with him and his family.

December

I’m not going to say that this is going to be the best month of the year because I don’t want to jinx it, so you get the picture. I have realized that I love the guy I’m dating, I love the person I am becoming, and I love the life I am starting to live. It’s been a long ass year and I deserve some fucking happiness. Later this month my boyfriend is taking a week off work for new years. We are going to celebrate it at a rave. He also asked me to stay with him for all the days of his vacation. I seriously can’t wait.

 

That’s my whole year in a nutshell.

2020 here I come.

 

BOOM

It’s been a couple of weeks. Not much has happened, but what has, you could say, is a lot within itself. Plus some of my favorite demons are back, as if they were ever invited. Let’s start off with the good first.

I celebrated my first Halloween in public this year. I had gone to a party one time but it was small, less then ten people were there. This time it was for school. Not much of a big deal I know, but there was a potluck and some of us dressed up. I had the time of my life. Plus we watched Hocus Pocus. I had watched it with my boyfriend a couple weeks before, but it was still nice watching it again in class, I felt like a little kid again.

My weekends have still been amazing. My boyfriend and I have only the weekend to enjoy each others company and we try to do the best to make it the best of times. What I truly just want is to spend time with him. We could stare at a wall together and I’d still be content, more than content, I’d be ecstatic.

This week has a been a hard one. My first issue I know is just me in my head. I spend Sunday night over at his house. But Monday morning I felt down. Like something was wrong like something wasn’t feeling right. I don’t know what it was. Everything was fine, I enjoyed the time I had been with him all weekend. We were still doing ok. We weren’t fighting about anything. But, there it was, that feeling of unease. What was it?

Later that day I took my moms car to get a transmission oil change because it was long over do. It has been making a weird noise already that started a couple of days before. On my way back, BOOM. The transmission blew out right in the middle of the street. I was mortified. Scared, I didn’t know what to do, I don’t know anything about cars. Some douche bag stopped next to me only to yell at me to get out of the street.

I let gravity pull me down to a gas station that was right next to where I had stopped. We had to call a tow to take it home because the car just didn’t want to budge. I tried to keep my calm but it was hard. I hadn’t felt that way in a while. It felt humiliating? I’m still trying to locate that feeling and put it where it belongs but it was just so wrong. I was frustrated.

The next day one of my moms friends checked it and he said that the transmission was no good anymore and he would fix it, but it would take him 3 week. Great.

To add on to the hot mess of this week, I have been called Unemployment to see if I got the extension for school and all I get is a stupid machine. I feel like the world is out to get me. The damn week isn’t even over and I’m really annoyed by how it started.

I have a lot to think about and a lot of feelings going on in my brain right now and its all a mess. I haven’t really had a week like this in months. I hate feeling like this. I don’t want to feel down.

I constantly tell my friends that they should feel good, they should be happy, and things will get better. But its hard when I’m the one going through shit.

When Superman is feeling down, who helps him up?

This Is Life

Just when I think life is going great, it likes to remind me that it still has a sense of humor. What would we be with out a little help from life when we feel like we are on cloud nine?

So, in my last post I said how I felt everything was (is) going great in my life right now. I don’t think that I am at my prime, but I am very content with how things are going. Friday though, I got a little reminder that this life is no fairly tale.

I was going to pay my bills when I noticed I didn’t have any money. Yikes, I know. Money, money, money, don’t you just hate it? Without it you can nearly not do anything. It doesn’t buy happiness but it sure does pay the bills, am I right?

Well, turns out they stopped my Unemployment benefits for about a month. I don’t know why, and I don’t even remember getting a notice saying they were going to do so, that’s the government for you.

Anyways I reopened my claim. I have a feeling it was probably something I did or didn’t do. I did get a notice that I didn’t have to be reporting that I was looking for work anymore because I was going to school but I most likely still needed at least one more week of reporting before that took in effect. I hope that’s the case and this gets resolved as fast as it can be. In the end if it doesn’t I’ll just have to look for a part time job.

I am very proud of how I’m handling this situation. The old me would have freaked out, possibly had a minor anxiety attack. How am I going to pay my bills? How am I going to pay for gas to go to school? Social life? All these things did pop up in my head. But this time I sat myself down and thought, this isn’t the end of the world. You don’t have money, you’re not dying. Looking back at my past experiences and seeing how I was so worried and in most cases nothing really happened, I really saved myself the worry this time.

The thing about looking at a problem is not worrying about it, of course, you’re not going to just brush it off your shoulder like it doesn’t mean anything, no. What I mean is that you are going to look past it and find a solution. That’s what I did. I reopened my claim. If that doesn’t work then I’ll get a part time job.

I don’t want to be stuck in a cycle of worry and anxiety. I want to get up, look up, and be strong and move on from whatever problem I face. Because this is life, and there are going to be tons of problems, its how I see them and over come them that makes life great.