We Are Confident

I am not that much of a confident person. If you were to ask people to describe me, confidence would not be a word that would come out of their mouth.

I have struggled with this word my whole life. I have always been a shy little boy. Even when I think I have the power to be that loud person that has the attention of every one in the room, it still makes me want to crawl into a whole.

There have been times when I have had to take center stage in everyone’s presence. I survived. But, I remember the feeling of burning liquid fire on my face, the feeling of being scared to move because my legs have ran away from my body, what was I standing with? Who knows, maybe faith?

Anyways, I have made it a goal for me to work on this.

What has helped me is the fact that I tell myself that people really don’t care about you. I don’t mean that in a bad way. I refer to, if you are thinking that your hair looks bad, some people haven’t even noticed. Or other minor things like that.

As an over thinker I always think of what others are thinking about me. I am putting thoughts in their head that they aren’t even thinking. That only hurts me.

Another way I have tried to better my confidence is my loving my body. I know I am not a Calvin Klein model, but hey, I’m not too shabby you know? Some times we don’t see how great we look and we hate everything about ourselves even when its not true.

I am still working on this little thing called confidence, there are so many other things involved too. Sometimes it just might not be your day, you feel gloomy, its just not in you. And that’s totally fine, shit happens. But we have to pick ourselves up and move on.

Because you are worth it, you are great, I believe in you.

We are great, we are Confident.

Just Be Yourself

Why you should be yourself all the time.

That’s a fun statement, while I was typing it up I was thinking to myself, ugh hopefully who ever reads this isn’t a douche bag or just flat out annoying.

I have a strong belief that everyone should be who they are. Authentic. This comes at a price though, because some people are just plain assholes. (If you’re an asshole please leave, there’s no need for you to read on or even be yourself).

Sometimes we get lost in trying to be who we aren’t for people we want to impress. Why should you have to change yourself to be liked? If you have to change yourself maybe you need to sit back and think about who you are trying to change for. Maybe that’s what you need to change.

I struggled with this all my life. I wrote about it in the previous post. Its OK to change something about you that you know people don’t like. Maybe they don’t like how mean you are, maybe you’re too upfront.

You can’t use the excuse, this is who I am, I’m just real like this if they get offended they get offended. Ok sure, but hey if you look around and you barely have any friends or people are always bailing on you, maybe you need to tone down that “realness”. I mean props for being the best you that you can be, but you can do better. Have some common sense and grow some empathy.

You can be who you want to be without hurting others. Yes people get upset because you don’t think the same way you do, but there’s a difference between intentionally hurting people and people not liking you just because they don’t like something about you or your opinions, then that’s on them.

Now that I have started this new life trying to please only myself I have started to enjoy it more. I can talk to my friends without being scared, without tiptoeing around things. I meet new people and I don’t put on this facade that I am great and that they should love me.

I love myself. That’s all I need. Self love is so hard to achieve now a days with all the trolls every where, and people trying to tell you what’s right and wrong. Just be yourself, go after what you want. Don’t stop just because some one tells you that you can’t make it. Yes you can.

I’m Just Going To Be Me

I used to be the type of person that cared way too much about the simple insignificant things. If my friends wanted to do something I was not okay with, I would still allow them to have it their way. If a coworker wanted things to be done in a certain way I wouldn’t even question them, no matter how dumb their idea might have been. Upon meeting new people I always managed to win them over by simply agreeing to what they were saying even if it went against everything that I believed in.

Now that has changed.

But first, why did I feel the need to act this way? Why did I feel the need to please everyone? To make sure that there was nothing they could point out in me for them not to like me?

Since I was small I have always wanted to be accepted. I have always wanted to be liked. I mean who doesn’t? The feeling of rejection is one of the worst feelings a person can have, especially when it comes from someone or people we admire the most. So in my head I had to do and say everything that who ever I wanted to please would like. I think this is why I am so likable.

There were times where my roads would almost cross. Some might say that I was fake, and sure if that’s what you want to call it you can, but I mostly tried to be genuine but agreeing with everyone at the same time. It was a cruel game.

The thing is that you can’t agree with person A and person B because person A doesn’t agree or even like person B. That’s where it gets tricky, and since you want to please everyone what can you do? You have to chose a side. I hope this isn’t too confusing. This in the end also hurts me, I am not being my true authentic self. I’m just riding the wave of everyone else’s opinions. Which is not a happy way to live your life.

I decided a while ago that I would change that. I know that I hate when people are rude and mean. I also don’t want to come off as disrespectful. So how could I give my opinion or put myself first without hurting others? It’s impossible.

That was the first step. Accepting that I am not going to please everyone. People will get mad because of the way you think, or even because you can’t do the things they want you to do, or be there for them like a slave like you used to. Trust me they will notice, and they will tell you that you have changed for the worst. But you haven’t. you have changed for the better. You’re better, not theirs.

While this change in me has been happening (which will always be a work in progress) I have noticed that the people I once put on a golden throne and would die for hate it when they don’t get their way. They might even seemed shock that you are finally standing up to them. All these years that I have let them take control of the wheel and now that I finally say “that’s not what I want, that’s not what I  like” they seem to be offended.

I can understand their state of shock at first. All these years they think that it is ok to do the things that they do, to say the things that they say, or even treat me the way that they do just because there was no retaliation against them. So was I fake? Was I even a true friend? I will leave that up to them.

I wanted to be liked so much by so many people that I became a different person to all of them. That had to stop. I am no longer interested in pleasing anyone. Why should I when they have no interest in even being concerned as to ask if I am ok or not? I know that they do care for me, I’m not minimizing that.

I wont be rude, I wont be disrespectful, I’m just going to be Me.

 

I Don’t Have To Please Everyone

2019 is about to end and I want to talk about something that it has taught me.

Each year we grow as people, weather we like it or not. We can either grow into better versions of ourselves or we can grow into biter people who no one wants to be around.

I try to take something from every year. This year has taught me a lot. Not only about myself, but about others, and about all the people I interact with.

I don’t have to please everyone. Lets just put it that way. I don’t want to be a push over, I just want to be nice, with a limit. I deserve that.

Before this year, well most of this year and my entire life, I had the crazy mentality that I had to make everyone happy. I had to do this in order for them to like me. If I didn’t please them, make them happy, or did what they needed me to do, they weren’t going to like me. If I didn’t agree with every single thing that came out of their mouth they wouldn’t want to be my friend.

In doing so I became a slave to everyone. I was there for them and I left myself alone. I did favors and I went out of my way. I said things I didn’t even agree for being scared to be criticized.

But I have realized that there is no purpose in doing any of this. If people want to use you they will, if people want to call you only when they need you they will. The thing is will you let them?

In order for me to leave behind this fear that I had that I needed to be everyone’s best friend I had to tell myself that I didn’t really need them. If they want to leave after everything I have done for them then its on them, I’m not begging.

Plus, life will go on. You think you need someone in your life so bad? No, you are strong and even though in the beginning it will be the hardest thing you can endure, you can still live without them.

That doesn’t mean you have to be a complete asshole to your friends or who you are with. It just means you have to know your limits. You have to see if that person would ever do the same for you. After you analyze the situation and start caring for yourself you’re going to see who’s actually there for you and who’s not.

I’m leaving 2019 living for others and I’m walking into 2020 living for myself.

My Best Friend Is A Psychopath

Yes, you read that correctly, My best friend is a psychopath.

Don’t worry, I will explain it all, and when I am finished you will have no other option but to agree with me. I was wondering why I have always had issues with him. Yes we get along most of the time, but then there are those moments I really don’t understand why he does things. There are times I wonder what he thinks or feels and I can’t really get a clear imagine. I, 100% don’t know. I don’t know who he is. When you think of your best friend don’t you automatically know what they like and dislike? What they want to do or the places they want to go? I’ve known him for maybe a little over five years and it seems that I still don’t know him at all. I know of him, but I don’t know him

Here are the reasons I think my best friend is a psychopath;

 

  • Pathological Liar

He always says he doesn’t lie. And to a certain extent he is correct. But what I have noticed during all the years that I have known him is that he doesn’t say the truth either. He is very vague. If you want to get an answer out of him you will have to be very specific in the way you ask your question because he will give you the run around and not give you the truth. Just a couple of weeks ago we went out to eat and his mom called him. I noticed that in this phone call his mom asked him where he was at, to that he said “out”. I know it could just be the youth-of-today type of thing. But trust me, this happens a lot and not just with his parents.

 

  • Superficial Charm

He’s that type of person that will make you feel part of a conversation. At church everyone loves him. They think he is great. There is no wrong he can do and everyone loves to be around him. He just has that thing makes you want to be around him. But it’s only on the surface. I have seen a glimpse of what he really is. One time I asked him something about him being so liked or social, and to that he said, “yeah I talk to everyone, but I don’t care about them.”

 

  • Great Sense Of Self Worth

The confidence that radiates off of him is something to see. I have never seen him nervous. I have never seen him shaken or scared of something he had to do. Nope. He is so sure of him self. He knows what he needs to do and does it. Its all planned in his head and he knows he will accomplish it. He is never wrong and always knows the correct answer and will always be the first to correct you if you are wrong because he knows that you are, and he knows that he is right.

 

  • Lack Of Remorse & Shallow Emotions

He has a weird obsession with liking turtles. I asked him about it once. He told me that when he was younger, maybe 7 or 8 years old, he had turtles. One day, he grabbed a bat and crushed them all into little pieces. I don’t know why he told me that, but I brushed it off as a super hyper active young kid. Now that I sit here and think of the way he treats his brothers I get shivers down my spine. I hate going to his house because his siblings are always fighting, but what bothers me is when he gets in on it. When the youngest boy is not doing what he is supposed to, my friend will pull his hair until he does. If my friend is fighting with the other older brother, even if he is losing he will not show symptoms of pain. Boys will be boys? One time they were fighting after I had dropped them off, and he grabbed the chain from the front gate and started choking his brother. Sure I felt a little uncomfortable but if that’s what they do, then it’s none of my business. The brother of his had a bruise for the next couple of days.

I have asked him countless times to be more expressive with me. If you read my blog daily you know there have been posts about him lacking any emotion. I swear I don’t know what he is feeling at all. He just is. All he does is exist, if that makes any sense. Ask me what makes him happy, I dare you. I wouldn’t know what to say. He only does the things I like to do, and when I ask him what he wants to do, he always says, “whatever you want.”

 

  • Parasitic Ways

I just mentioned a little about this at the end of the previous paragraph. There has been no time where anything that we have done together has been his idea. Every time we hang out it’s because of me. Where ever we go, I though about it. He just tags along. Does he like it? Does he enjoy doing the activities that we do? Who knows. He doesn’t say. We never talk about his life. It’s always what I am doing, thinking, or feeling. If I don’t say what I am up to, the conversation is bland. He never talks about his days, what he’s up to or what he has done.

I have also noticed, and this is creepy, but at the same time I want to say that its because we talk a lot, but he uses a lot of phrases I use in my vocabulary. I usually like to switch up what I say. Maybe I hear a nice word or a phrase on a show and will randomly say it, he does the same. He copies me. If I stop saying something he will too. I even tested this out this month. When you are asked something that you don’t know that answer to your response is typically “I don’t know”, correct? Well, that is him as well. Instead of that, I started saying “I’m not sure.” He never said these set of words in his life. Two weeks after I had started saying them he said them when I asked him a question he didn’t know the answer to.

 

  • Manipulative

He gets what he wants. It’s like he knows how your brain already works because he knows what to say to get where he wants to go. He’s very smart. He knows what you want. He knows what you will do to get it, and he knows how he can use that to his advantage.

 

 

This is where I will stop. Trust me, there are way more things I can write about. There are so many other traits that he falls into. But these are the main ones. I don’t really know why I am friends with him. This post has really opened my eyes. I’m not saying that I will cut him out of my life, no. I just have to be more careful. It’s hard to be friends with someone like this. Really hard.