Study Myself

I’m trying to cope with my anxiety. I’ve been studying myself lately. Others would call it over thinking but that’s neither here nor there.

Any who, this morning I barley made it out of bed. I woke up, looked at my phone and slowly considered all the possibilities and outcomes of me not actually showing up to work. Some how they all waded up with the world collapsing or a total apocalyptic nightmare.

I know, a little too much. But hey, that’s me. I eventually got up and made it to work. I reminisced on my favorite moments form last year. Dang, I was crazy. How did I do those things? Social little butterfly I was. No, I was a monstrous huge mosquito. Then I looked at all the times I felt down or depressed. What led me there? What led me to be better? I know I’m not bipolar. At least I don’t think I am. I hope not.

But for sure I have some type of thing that’s wrong with me. Who knows. But I’ve noticed a certain pattern in the last couple of years. I go from being a little tiny ant hiding under rocks and blending in with the crowd. Then, suddenly, I’m the center of attention. I’m everywhere. In every post on every picture on all social media. Ok, maybe not like that but you get me?

So like I said I see a pattern, do I know what it means? Hell no. Just know that there’s one there. If I go back and check on my blog posts it’s also clearly there to see as well. So what’s next? Maybe I need to study myself more. Evaluate Me. See who I am. Even though I thought I really already knew myself I guess there’s more to me then I knew.

Make A Batter You

Working out.

I love working out, now. I remember once I was terrified of going to the gym and I dreaded sweating. As soon as I would break into sweat I felt like I was doing too much and needed to stop. It’s not even that to be completely honest, it’s just the fact of not feeling comfortable being looked at while I was sweating.

One of my friends was telling me the other day how she sometimes has no energy for the gym. I know how she feels, when I first started going to the gym I went, not because I wanted to go, but because I was paying for it and I’m not one to waste money and not get out what I put in.

I was never a, omg I have to go to the gym today or I’m going to die, type of person. I hated the gym. When I was younger I would ask myself why people would go to a public place and present themselves in such a way. When I (rarely) worked out at home I never liked anyone watching me. I would hide or lift weights when everyone was sleeping. Of course, that never did work because I never stuck to it and I would always stop.

So, when I bought the membership to the gym I go to now, never did I think I would end up loving it. I’m also not one of those insanely toned guys either, (I wish). I go because I want to do it for my health and I care about it too. Plus it makes me feel really good.

Ok, yes, at first it was such a hassle. I would go and feel like crap looking at other people doing way better than me. Smiling while they look at themselves in the mirror seeing their progress, meanwhile I was over here trying to hide my fat with layers of clothes. But that’s not the way I should have been seeing those people, or even myself. I wasn’t at their level. I’m still not at their level, will I ever be? No. That is their level, I have my own level.

You can’t expect going to the gym you will be walking out like those models on the magazines. That’s not true. If you go to the gym go for yourself. To make a better you. Not to look like somebody else. Those people live at the gym, you have a life to live and things to do. They spend hours and hours in the gym, it’s their job, we go maybe at most two hours a day so it’s unreal if we believe that in a month we’ll look like them.

If that’s your goal then you need to be patient but still think that you can do it, because you can. You just need to motivate yourself in the correct way.

For instance right now my motivation is Escape. I’m wearing a curtain costume and I want to feel hot in it. I want to turn heads. Yes that maybe conceded of me but it makes me feel good. Not that they are looking at me but even before I step out I look in the mirror and just feel good. Everyone else should too. Life is too short to feel like crap and not go out. Even if I didn’t like the way I looked I’m still gonna go out and rock it because I need to live life I need to have fun. The gym has given me so much more confidence, and I needed that.

Gabriel 

            Gabriel. You will never read this. Because the day you do you will stop being my friend. So basically, this letter is more for me than it is for you. It’s just a way to get things out of my system and pretend that I am getting through to you.

            The reason I say you won’t be my friend is not because you wouldn’t want to be. It’s because you have been told not to be. 

            Let me start by going back in time, again. I never met you but I always knew you. From church of course. I was shy and you seemed to get along with every other kid around. I was so shy that you didn’t even know I was part of the congregation even though I attend the same one as you for about four years. Until later on. When I left for good. Or I thought I had.

            We were in this religion called Jehovah’s Witnesses. I grew up there. Is wasn’t so bad. Until I realized I was gay. I always sort of knew but I never said it or admitted it. So being in this religion was a struggle. Until one day I said fuck it, and stopped going. I was maybe eighteen going on to nineteen. It hurt my mom, she was really dedicated. But yet she never knew why I stopped going to the gatherings.

            Then, my moms ex boyfriend came into the picture. Also a JW (Jehovah Witness). He started dating my mom and started giving me bible studies to see if I would go back. I did end up going back. Why? Well, for my mom mainly. And also because I had no job and no place to go. I went back knowing I was gay, but thinking I could change that. I didn’t.

            Though I did met you. Face to face. You walked into my life and it was great. I had no friends in this religion and you were the first. It was nice. When we went to church I finally had someone to talk to instead of the wall. You knew I was shy but still you wanted my friendship. Thank you. Still baffled that you call me a friend. 

            We did have our fall outs here and there but we are still, friends. But are we? You don’t even know my deepest darkest secret. What would you say if I told you I was gay? How would you see me? Would you tell me to change? Would you stop talking to me? Or would you sympathize and say it’s OK? I’ve gotten to know you all this time yet I have no clue what your reaction would turn out to be.

            You know that I have secrets. But why don’t you ask what they are? Are you scared that they will be too dark? I thought friends share everything? But, yet I know you keep things from me. And do I ask? No.

             Did you ever notice my cuts? I know I was a real professional at concealing them. Years of experience does that to you. But, if you did, why didn’t you say anything? When I was quiet why did you ask if everything was ok? Instead you tried your hardest to keep the conversation going with my one word answers.

            Did you ever notice how I was falling apart? I wanted to tell you so many things. I still do. And I wish I could. I wish I could tell you and see how you would react. If you took everything well, then good if not, then I would rewind it all back and just keep sweeping it under the rug.

            When will this cycle of pretend end? How long will I have to live this lie? Some people might say that I have to start thinking about myself and what’s best for me. And deep down maybe I agree with them. But I am not like that. I’m not like them. I look at others before I make decisions. In other words, I see how other people will get affected. And if I come out, a lot will.

            I want to thank you Gabriel for staying by my side. Because even though all my other friends left. Or better said, backed away, you stayed. You made sure to keep me in the loop. Sometimes I did wish you would stop talking to me but it was good that you didn’t. What will be our future if we continue this way?