I’m Falling Again

We need to talk. Out of all the things that are going on in my life right now, this is the main focus and this is what we’re going to be talking about.

I’ve been really going mentally crazy to some everything up. I’ve been here and I’ve been there and I even went a little but of everywhere in the last couple of months. I’ve been going nuts. Off the wall. Loco. But just recently when I started doing what made me happy is when things seem to go back into their place.

I told myself I would never go back to a dating app. I told myself I would never date another guy again. I told my self I was done with drinking. I told myself and basically everyone who I knew that I was no longer going to be going to clubs, the old Peter had died, and now I was a saint.

The lie detector determined that, that was a lie. He’s back. He’s back for reals this times this time he’s going to bloom and go out there and finally get what he wants. (I hope).

About a week or so I downloaded tinder. Why? Because I was curious to see what would happen. I never opened it as much as I thought I was going to, which was a good sign. Until I got matched up with someone.

I saw his bio, I liked it and swiped. Matched. I sent him a message and then ghosted him for a day because, again, I wasn’t on the app like I thought I would be. But, I thought, he seems like a good guy let me give it a try.

I message him and we end up talking for about four hours. Message after message, no breaks no pauses. Talking, getting to know each other. He’s a cool guy I thought might as well keep it going and keep it polite.

I continue talking to him the next day as we speak about what we will be doing during the weekend. He said he was going to a club I’ve only heard of but never went to. We move on in our conversation until later on he asks if I want to go with him and his friends. This is where the story gets interesting.

After telling everyone that I wasn’t going to drink, I wasn’t going to go clubbing, and that I wasn’t going to date, I did just the opposite. I though to myself, should I say no and just end this now? What am I even doing? I know shouldn’t be doing this stuff. But then I also thought, you know what? I’m going to be spontaneous. In the movies it always goes well and it’s super fun and good things come out if it so let’s do it! (I know, I’m crazy).

I told a friend to go with me and he did. I was meeting a guy I’d only been talking to for maybe a day. Was it too soon? Hell yes. Do I regret it? Hell no.

We got to the club and we met up. We all introduced each other and as you would except it was awkward as hell. We already had anticipated that since we never actually met before.

The music was extremely loud, there was fake fog, and there were people constantly bumping into each other. Not the best place to conversate. But we managed after buying some drinks.

The night went by pretty fast. To make matters more interesting, his ex was there. Great. I thought I was going to have to get into a fight. But nothing happened. The first time you meet someone is not the best time to talk about your past lovers but he told me what happened to them. I listened because I’m good at that. I heard all his baggage. He has a lot. Which is fine I don’t mind.

The issue I’m having is, I like him. I like him a lot. I see this happen to myself so many times. I meet someone, I like them, and then I cant get enough of them. I want to spend time with them, I want to be around them, I want them. The issue is, will they want/like me back?

I don’t want to get my heart broken again. It’s happened too many times. But at the same time I want to dive in and let myself fall.

So what’s going to happen?

What I Wanted Was Love

When I was seventeen years old I had a huge crush on a girl. At the time it didn’t make any sense. I was confused, unsure of my sexuality and I had internal demons I was fighting apart from everything.

So I thought to myself, how it’s it that I am gay, but at the same time want to spend all my time with this girl? Talk to her, make her laugh, feel her body warmth near me?

Was it because I was not in fact gay? Was it just in my head? A “straight” phase? Was I trying to convince myself that I wasn’t actually what I thought I was? I remember when she would hang out with other boys, my head would boil. How were they more important than me? Who she talked to on a daily?

The first night I kissed her it was amazing. It was actually the first time I had kissed anyone. And of course we didn’t know what we were doing with it being our first time, but I enjoyed it. I was so filled with joy at the thought of thinking I wasn’t actually gay, because at the time I didn’t want to be.

I moved away and we somehow got distant. We soon broke it off. I was still on the mentality that I was gay. I cried for several days when we did end things. I did love her. I believed that I was gay because I followed the gay stereotype. I liked this and that, ok then I guess I’m gay.

As the years progressed I found myself having sexual relationships with men. It was good I’m not going to lie, no one on earth can say that any sexual act that is welcomed isn’t good. But at the end I felt guilty. Dirty even sometimes. Many times during sex I wished it would stop.

I have never been in love with a man. What I had fallen for before was just the thought if someone caring for me. Someone who could protect me from the dangers of life. But I became my own protected and this year is when I found out.

I’ll be candid for a second, once I saw myself as the person I am. I stopped craving a mans touch. Even just being with a man in the first place. And if I did, I wanted to be the dominant one. And I was many times. But soon even that wasn’t what I actually wanted. What I wanted was love. No hot steamy sex. Just plain simple love.

Did I find it? I’m not certain. I did meet a wonderful girl who takes my breathe away every day. Every time we talk it’s like we’ve known each other for ever. We have the same interests, the same dislikes, and even the same goals.

So am I gay? Straight? Pansexual? Can I just love someone for who they are regardless of their gender without being pointed at?

I told a friend about this girl I like last week. Her response was “no, you’re gay. You’ve been gay and you’ll always be gay.”

Is my sexual orientation Solemnly calculated with evidence from my past? Life changes, life changes us, we change as people, and along with that so do our desires.

I’m not saying I’m straight, sure I’m attracted to guys I will never deny that. But when I picture my future I always imagine it with a girl. And I’ve only had actually feelings for girls. I’ve only been in love with girls.

So what am I? I do not know. All that I know is that I just want to live my life, without people putting labels on things.

Cut My Body Parts Up And Sell Them On The Black Market

I just had sex.

There’s no other way to put that really. Can’t really sugar coat it either. I went to someone’s house and did the naughty? Any better? Well, that just sounds ridiculous.

So, in the efforts to start dating I downloaded a dating app that is supposed to connect you to a person who has the same interest as you and will eventually be a good fit for you. You answer questions and based off your questions they’ll set you up with someone who might have similar views as you.

What do most guys use it for? Sex. That’s the world we live in. It’s not, what are your goals in life? Or even, what do you do for fun? Nope. They done care what your doing or going to do with your life.

It’s more now, are you down to fuck? It’s sad, but since I really don’t care right now I said what the hell and headed on over to a guys house who I connected with. It had been a while since I did a one night stand so I was rather nervous.

I’m not one for one night stands, but if they are anything like todays was, there could be more in my future. Specially if the guy is hot. I’m not saying I’m full of myself but I also do know my worth.

Yes, my end goal is to find love. But if 9 out of 10 want sex, and 3 out of those 9 are attractive, why not half fun? (Being safe of course). One of my friends tried to scare me and said they could cut my body parts up and sell them on the black market, it’s the most morbid thing she’s ever said but I mean it could have some truth behind it, so I will be smart along with having fun, until the real man comes along and asks me to dinner instead of to bed.

I’m Ready To Start Dating

I’m ready to start dating.

 

 

I told my friend that this past weekend while we were on the beach. I was a little hoe at the end of last year only having one night stands here and there. It was fun I I’m not going to sit here and lie, but dating is different.

 

First of al there’s food involved. You get to eat out and chill. Plus, sometimes you get to try new things. You get to see things and experience them in different ways. Also, getting to know someone for the first time is always great. It’s like reading a new book.

 

At the end of the day you don’t have to sleep with them if you don’t want to. Sure, it’s always fun and if they want to stick around for a while that’s cool to. I’m just saying having someone to hold or just be held is really comforting for me, and I’m not a handsy person.

 

Yes, maybe I’m lonely, or sure, maybe I’m just jealous of what I see other people have. But that makes it ok not to want those things? I think not. Then there is the underlying question. What is it that I want in a relationship?

 

Its pretty simple actually. All I need is attention. I don’t need you to take me to an expensive. I don’t need you to take me to a private island or buy me things. I don’t even need you to shoe off for me. Sure, those things are nice but do I want them or need them? No. All I want is attention.

 

I want you to call me, text me, ask me how my day is. I want you to invite me over and talk to me. I want to know how your day was, what you want to do in the future. I want to know your opinions, what makes you laugh and cry.

 

I want to be able to sit in silence with you and not feel awkward. I want to breathe the same air that you breathe and feel like we are one person.

 

Ok, maybe I’m getting a little ahead of myself but I think you get the picture.

 

So there, I’m ready to start dating.

Strangers

I did it again. I know I shouldn’t have but when lonely comes knocking on your door there’s not much you can do except roll out the red carpet and let it in.

So two weeks ago I downloaded tinder. Don’t know why, ‘just cause’ could be a concrete answer really. Since I decided to give up on Love, I went the hoe route. Sleeping with random strangers.

In all honesty, no I don’t feel bad. When had a little fun hurt anyone? Ok maybe not the best example but still.

And hey, I work two jobs, pay all my bills and rent, take care of my family, put food in the fridge, and I’m generally a nice person. So who’s to say I can’t be a hoe once in a while? No one. You try to walk in my shoes see how long you last.

Along with being filthy, I’ve also been going out a lot. Getting closer with a friend. He doesn’t know I’m gay but that never comes up. Nor do I have the need to tell him . Does he know? Does it matter?

Any way this is my 100 post and I was going to do the whole thank you a and what I’ve learned about blogging but I’ll save that for later since I have to save time for hoeing around.