4 Dates, 4 Guys, In 4 Days

So, I don’t know how to start this.

I said I was going to delete the dating apps on my phone, and to my defense, I did, just not all of them. I left two of them. Maybe I should have stuck to just keeping one but I said to myself, it wouldn’t hurt to just leave these two. 

I got to talk to a lot of people. Some nice, some rude, and others who bluntly just wanted sex. It was pretty interesting to see the type of vibe that online dating has. It was hard to decipher who wanted to get to know you and who wanted just to get in bed with you.

I got four dates, with four guys, on four different days. And this is how they all went;

 

Tuesday

I started talking to this guy on Monday and he seemed pretty cool. I liked the way we clicked. Talked for a bit longer and he asked when we would be able to meet each other. This was Tuesday, so I told him that we should go see a movie. He agreed and we met up at my favorite theater.

I feel like the date went pretty well. I was myself, I didn’t feel as though I had to hide anything of myself or my imperfections just to get him to like me. I was feeling no nerves what so ever, which is really not like me.

I enjoyed the movie and we talked a bit after at Starbucks. Over all the date was pretty good. He is a really cool guy and hes really nice.

The thing is I’m just not into him in that way. Maybe as a friend sure but I just didn’t feel a connection with him, a romantic connection I mean, because I still did very much like him as a person. We are still talking but I think it just wont go anywhere.

 

Wednesday

This date was a little more on the wild side. I got messaged Wednesday morning. We got to talking and this guy seemed really professional. Very classy. I liked that. There is something about when you get treated with kindness and respect that really gets to me.

All day we were back in forth talking and getting to know each other. I was in my bed that night when he asked if I wanted to go on a mini date with him. I was very honest (like I’m trying to be more of) and I told him that we just started talking and that it was late (8PM) to go on a random last minute date with a total stranger.

He told me to be spontaneous. After having a fifteen minute meeting with my advisers (Me, Myself, and I), I decided that I’d take the chance the he was a killer and go on this late last minute night date with this total stranger.

It turned out to be very romantic. We went to this nice lit up lake a few towns over. There were people still out and we sat on a bench and talked about our past and what we wanted in the future. It was very movie like, it almost seemed fake. I really liked him at the end of the night.

The next day he texted me saying if I wanted to do something. I told him yeah it would be cool and we should meet up at a place. He suggested I come over and wait at his house while he got ready. When I got to his house he opened the door in nothing but his towel.

Now, to a easy sleazy person this would have been some crazy sex fantasy, but I’m not here for that. I walked in and I sat on the sofa. He looked at me like I was crazy. I told him I’d wait for him to get ready. To this he said ‘ok’ but I was invited to join in. Where was the guy I had just met the night before who was totally different?

This was the point where I was over him. I thought he was this cool romantic guy, we had talked about so many things, and now he wanted to have sex? Sorry dude, that’s not how I roll.

I think that’s the last time I’ll see him.

 

Thursday

I had been talking to this guy since Monday. He seemed really cool and he was super up front. When we started talked he told me he was a player. I told him that I wasn’t looking for sex. I wanted to date and get to know people. He told me he respected that. Then asked if he could get to know me.

After talking, I really liked him. So much that we went onto heavy flirting. Heavy dirty flirting. I haven’t flirted like this in a while and it was pretty nice. I was into him, in a sexual way. I even told him, you know what lets just get together and have some fun.

What he told me was surprising to me. He told me he wasn’t going to do that to me. He said that I look like a good guy and deserve better than one night stands. I was SHOOK. Instead we met up and had a good two hour convo.

He was super nice and talkative and I can tell he was really into me. I really like his personality and the way he carries himself. I like the way he looks at life and the way he thinks of others and himself. The only thing that I didn’t like was that he really likes to party and drink, that would be the only downside to him.

 

Friday

This date is by far the one I was most excited for. I actually wrote about this guy before. I met him last year when I got super drunk and made out with him at a club. After that we talked but never got the chance to hang out because he was super busy, and then I went all “religion is my life” on everyone and deleted so many people off social media and he was one of them.

But that all changed Wednesday. I saw him on the app and swiped. A little later I matched with him. I had no way of contacting him before, but now here he was. We started talking catching up and telling each other what we had been up to. I apologized again for attacking his face at the club with my mouth.

He told me right away that we should go on a date. I told him of course. I was excited to see him. To get to know him. We went to a movie date as well. There at the movie I asked him about our crazy club night.

This is where the story gets crazy. He said he had seen me before at a gym I used to go to a long time ago. I told him that I thought I had seem him before. He saw me that night and he never thought that I was gay, he said I was dancing like a maniac and living life (which I was) and that he was a little typsy too so he went to ask me if I was the guy from the gym and I guess I said yes, we started dancing, and that is how that story started.

Now, back to Friday. After the movie we went to Del Taco. I know very classy. There we talked, and it was so liberating. I told him about my mom, I told him about the religion I used to be in and all the reasons why I had to basically cut him out of my life last year.

In the end it was a really nice date, and out of all of them I liked him the most. I think there could actually be something there. I really can’t wait for our next date.

 

Now

Ok, so now I have all these decisions to make. Who passes to the next round? I feel like the bachelor. Who is getting a rose and who is not? I have been talking to other guys here and there but nothing really has flourished between us like the rest of these guys.

I have to weigh my options and see who I like the most. I’m dating right now. I haven’t ever dated this way before. Actually going out on dates and talking to people and getting to know them? Its fascinating to me.

Let’s see what happens.

Its Not Cheating, It’s Just Sex

Do you trust your significant other? Do you trust yourself? When does the term cheating start to apply to you? Maybe if you’re seductively looking at someone else who is not your partner? Is it talking to someone who is not your wife or husband through text messages and phone calls while you start to catch feelings? Or are you the type of person who doesn’t consider cheating until it’s something sexual? Perhaps you have the mentality that it’s not even cheating if there’s no romantic feelings involved, it’s just sex.

Last year I met a guy. Young, about the same age as me. We had a lot in common. I was in this religion that dictated every single aspect of your life just as he was. Your sexuality included. I was confused ever since I was little about it. But it seemed to me that he had more of a grip of who he was.

He married a woman. I was amazed I had come across someone who felt like me. I asked him how he did it. He said he loved her. He said he loved being with her. Then I asked him, then why are you on this app?

Are people just that unfaithful now? Do they have no standards? Is that the new norm?

I asked him if he made a mistake. He said no. Then why do you look outside for more when you have what you need at home?

I wrote about him on my blog a year ago. He didn’t tell me he was married until long into our conversations. When I found out I felt sick to my stomach. He was a murderer, and I was an accomplice. An accomplice that didn’t even know what was happening.

I understand more about people’s sexualities now that I’m coming to terms with mine. But if you like men and woman. By all means do what you must. But if you marry one or the other, respect them. They deserve it. If you’re going to do stuff behind their back, leave. They deserve someone who will love them unconditionally and faithfully. Not you.

He messaged me a week ago. He told me that his wife was going to be out of town for a week and he’d really love if I’d go over and ‘hang out’. Right away I told him no. I had this sort of anger towards him now. I told him I got back together with my girlfriend. Not to mention he’s fucking married, which is why I stopped talking to him in the first place.

I told him I didn’t know how he does it. I could never. He asked me “what?”, as if he didn’t understand.

“Be a cheater,” I told him.

His words were, “I’m not cheating, it’s just sex.”

I ended the conversation with, “that’s not what your wife would think if she knew.”

I may lie sometimes, I may be moody, I may even do things that are questionable, but I’m not gonna cheat. I have a big heart full of loyalty, and I’ll be cocky about it, ask my friends and family. You’ll never find someone more loyal then I.

What is cheating for me?

Cheating is when you take away time from the person you are in a relationship with, and you give it to someone else. Weather it being through messages, phone calls, in person, or even sex. Your significant other should come before your friends, doesn’t mean you love them any less.

Don’t cheat. Don’t.

I’m Falling Again

We need to talk. Out of all the things that are going on in my life right now, this is the main focus and this is what we’re going to be talking about.

I’ve been really going mentally crazy to some everything up. I’ve been here and I’ve been there and I even went a little but of everywhere in the last couple of months. I’ve been going nuts. Off the wall. Loco. But just recently when I started doing what made me happy is when things seem to go back into their place.

I told myself I would never go back to a dating app. I told myself I would never date another guy again. I told my self I was done with drinking. I told myself and basically everyone who I knew that I was no longer going to be going to clubs, the old Peter had died, and now I was a saint.

The lie detector determined that, that was a lie. He’s back. He’s back for reals this times this time he’s going to bloom and go out there and finally get what he wants. (I hope).

About a week or so I downloaded tinder. Why? Because I was curious to see what would happen. I never opened it as much as I thought I was going to, which was a good sign. Until I got matched up with someone.

I saw his bio, I liked it and swiped. Matched. I sent him a message and then ghosted him for a day because, again, I wasn’t on the app like I thought I would be. But, I thought, he seems like a good guy let me give it a try.

I message him and we end up talking for about four hours. Message after message, no breaks no pauses. Talking, getting to know each other. He’s a cool guy I thought might as well keep it going and keep it polite.

I continue talking to him the next day as we speak about what we will be doing during the weekend. He said he was going to a club I’ve only heard of but never went to. We move on in our conversation until later on he asks if I want to go with him and his friends. This is where the story gets interesting.

After telling everyone that I wasn’t going to drink, I wasn’t going to go clubbing, and that I wasn’t going to date, I did just the opposite. I though to myself, should I say no and just end this now? What am I even doing? I know shouldn’t be doing this stuff. But then I also thought, you know what? I’m going to be spontaneous. In the movies it always goes well and it’s super fun and good things come out if it so let’s do it! (I know, I’m crazy).

I told a friend to go with me and he did. I was meeting a guy I’d only been talking to for maybe a day. Was it too soon? Hell yes. Do I regret it? Hell no.

We got to the club and we met up. We all introduced each other and as you would except it was awkward as hell. We already had anticipated that since we never actually met before.

The music was extremely loud, there was fake fog, and there were people constantly bumping into each other. Not the best place to conversate. But we managed after buying some drinks.

The night went by pretty fast. To make matters more interesting, his ex was there. Great. I thought I was going to have to get into a fight. But nothing happened. The first time you meet someone is not the best time to talk about your past lovers but he told me what happened to them. I listened because I’m good at that. I heard all his baggage. He has a lot. Which is fine I don’t mind.

The issue I’m having is, I like him. I like him a lot. I see this happen to myself so many times. I meet someone, I like them, and then I cant get enough of them. I want to spend time with them, I want to be around them, I want them. The issue is, will they want/like me back?

I don’t want to get my heart broken again. It’s happened too many times. But at the same time I want to dive in and let myself fall.

So what’s going to happen?

What I Wanted Was Love

When I was seventeen years old I had a huge crush on a girl. At the time it didn’t make any sense. I was confused, unsure of my sexuality and I had internal demons I was fighting apart from everything.

So I thought to myself, how it’s it that I am gay, but at the same time want to spend all my time with this girl? Talk to her, make her laugh, feel her body warmth near me?

Was it because I was not in fact gay? Was it just in my head? A “straight” phase? Was I trying to convince myself that I wasn’t actually what I thought I was? I remember when she would hang out with other boys, my head would boil. How were they more important than me? Who she talked to on a daily?

The first night I kissed her it was amazing. It was actually the first time I had kissed anyone. And of course we didn’t know what we were doing with it being our first time, but I enjoyed it. I was so filled with joy at the thought of thinking I wasn’t actually gay, because at the time I didn’t want to be.

I moved away and we somehow got distant. We soon broke it off. I was still on the mentality that I was gay. I cried for several days when we did end things. I did love her. I believed that I was gay because I followed the gay stereotype. I liked this and that, ok then I guess I’m gay.

As the years progressed I found myself having sexual relationships with men. It was good I’m not going to lie, no one on earth can say that any sexual act that is welcomed isn’t good. But at the end I felt guilty. Dirty even sometimes. Many times during sex I wished it would stop.

I have never been in love with a man. What I had fallen for before was just the thought if someone caring for me. Someone who could protect me from the dangers of life. But I became my own protected and this year is when I found out.

I’ll be candid for a second, once I saw myself as the person I am. I stopped craving a mans touch. Even just being with a man in the first place. And if I did, I wanted to be the dominant one. And I was many times. But soon even that wasn’t what I actually wanted. What I wanted was love. No hot steamy sex. Just plain simple love.

Did I find it? I’m not certain. I did meet a wonderful girl who takes my breathe away every day. Every time we talk it’s like we’ve known each other for ever. We have the same interests, the same dislikes, and even the same goals.

So am I gay? Straight? Pansexual? Can I just love someone for who they are regardless of their gender without being pointed at?

I told a friend about this girl I like last week. Her response was “no, you’re gay. You’ve been gay and you’ll always be gay.”

Is my sexual orientation Solemnly calculated with evidence from my past? Life changes, life changes us, we change as people, and along with that so do our desires.

I’m not saying I’m straight, sure I’m attracted to guys I will never deny that. But when I picture my future I always imagine it with a girl. And I’ve only had actually feelings for girls. I’ve only been in love with girls.

So what am I? I do not know. All that I know is that I just want to live my life, without people putting labels on things.

Cut My Body Parts Up And Sell Them On The Black Market

I just had sex.

There’s no other way to put that really. Can’t really sugar coat it either. I went to someone’s house and did the naughty? Any better? Well, that just sounds ridiculous.

So, in the efforts to start dating I downloaded a dating app that is supposed to connect you to a person who has the same interest as you and will eventually be a good fit for you. You answer questions and based off your questions they’ll set you up with someone who might have similar views as you.

What do most guys use it for? Sex. That’s the world we live in. It’s not, what are your goals in life? Or even, what do you do for fun? Nope. They done care what your doing or going to do with your life.

It’s more now, are you down to fuck? It’s sad, but since I really don’t care right now I said what the hell and headed on over to a guys house who I connected with. It had been a while since I did a one night stand so I was rather nervous.

I’m not one for one night stands, but if they are anything like todays was, there could be more in my future. Specially if the guy is hot. I’m not saying I’m full of myself but I also do know my worth.

Yes, my end goal is to find love. But if 9 out of 10 want sex, and 3 out of those 9 are attractive, why not half fun? (Being safe of course). One of my friends tried to scare me and said they could cut my body parts up and sell them on the black market, it’s the most morbid thing she’s ever said but I mean it could have some truth behind it, so I will be smart along with having fun, until the real man comes along and asks me to dinner instead of to bed.