What’s the opposite of writers block? I think I have that. I want to type until my fingers bleed. Maybe not as much but sort of like that. I have all these thoughts in my head I want to spit out onto the blank canvas on my screen. But, I wont. It would be too messy and honestly no one is down to listen to all that nonsense. Plus no one would understand it either way.
I was thinking though I would at least let one thought out into the world. One can’t do that much damage can it?
My phone has been through hell and back more than twice and ever since then when ever it vibrates it makes this crazy vibration sound that people think its a sex toy. I’m not kidding. The freaking thing can be heard in my pocket clearer than then the ring tone. It’s been an issue for a while. Anyone who has yet to hear it I have to explain to them that my phone has been through some serious things and that’s its way of screaming for attention, before they get the wrong impression of me.
To fix this issue I have resorted in using the Do Not Disturb function on my phone. Let me tell you something. This was function was made by the Leave Me The F*** Alone Gods. At first I did it because I was tired of hearing the buzzing sound that my phone made. But then, I was liberated. I was freed. I noticed that I wasn’t always reaching for my phone 24/7. I even stopped feeling my pocket thinking that my phone had gone off when in reality hadn’t, (you know what I’m talking about right? When you think your phone vibrates when in fact it hasn’t, its just your brain playing mind tricks on you).
It’s been over a week since I started doing this and I have to say that my life has gotten way much better. There are functions on this setting that will allow someone to get through this firewall, if there actually is an emergency. So there really isn’t any reason that I have for turning it back on.
When I need to text someone, I will. If they text me, now I will text them back the next time I pick up my phone, not when my phone is having a full on vibration seizure. Its actually really therapeutic. I highly recommend it, if you’re not that addicted to getting notifications, or you are one of those peoples that needs to know when they get a text or else they will have an asthma attack if they don’t reply within 5 seconds, if that’s the case, I think you got an issue to be honest.
Friendship is like a piece of paper. It’s nice when it’s new. The possibilities are endless to what you can write. It’s a blank canvas of endless adventures and excitement. It’s clean, untouched, and unbothered. Sometimes it almost feels like there is no ending.
But, crumble that paper up in a ball. Or grab a pen and pierce the paper fiercely with anger. Wet it and throw it around some. Step on it. Make little cuts along the edges.
Now, try to unfold it. Try to make it as flat and as smooth as it once was. Try to make it new again. Try to read the words that were once on that paper now filled with holes. Is it still wet? Is it sticking to itself? Are the blue lines that separated sentences blurred and hard to tell apart? Is it a struggle just figure out what to do with the paper? Is there anything else that can be done to save it or is it just a lost cause?
In the same way, friendship can go through so many challenges and in the end it will never be a clean piece of paper. It’s fragile, damaged, barley holding together, and it’s hard to make out what once was. Will it ever be the same once it has gone through so many obstacles? All the mistrust, hate, deceiving, lying, and deception?
That’s the ugly part of friendship. Tell me, is it really worth it, to keep this friendship alive?
I consider myself a very happy person. Not like over the top happy just happy in general aside from my issues happy lol. If you see me, most likely I will give you a warm smile. Usually when talking with friends if they have some sort of issue I’ll do my best to give them advice or at least try to make them see the bright side of things, if there is no bright side, then I’ll try to make them see what can be learned from the experience?
But yesterday, oh boy yesterday. Let’s talk about yesterday, so, I came back from Los Angeles sleep deprived since I only slept three or so hours because I went to a club the night before and fell asleep as soon as I got home.
When I woke up I really woke up in a bad mood. Not a grumpy mood just less energetic. Like not wanting to deal with anyone, not wanting to speak to anyone or have anyone speak to me. Even though I had a great nap and it was one of the bests I’ve ever had I woke up feeling ugh I’m going to say it, sad.
I’m not a sad person, well not anymore at least. I texted a friend who always see things in a different way. I told her that I needed some of her infinite wisdom. She’s those types of people that doesn’t chose sides. You tell her give me the reasons why Orange is the best color and she will, but she will also give you the reasons why it’s not, so she’s a very neutral person and I love her for that. She always makes me see both side of the coin.
She told me it was natural that I was feeling a little bit under the weather. She told me that we can’t be happy all the time. But that’s the thing, I need to be happy, I really hate being emotional or worrying about things.
The thing is that this feeling goes beyond feeling sad, its more if a tiredfeeling. Yes, I think that’s a better way of describing it. So, I have been more “out there” as they say, making new friends, dating and what not, going to parties, and just talking to friends more in general. Being this social is draining to say the least. For someone who didn’t even want to go to work and then only a couple months later have all these things on his list to do is a real dramatic change. A change that is good, because I hate being the victim. But nonetheless its still draining me. Because I haven’t had any me time. Or any alone time.
I think I need to disconnect for at least one day. Maybe turn my phone off for the whole day and just do me. Have no one know where I am or go out and just have fun by myself, center my thoughts and have a moment to myself. Or maybe I just need chocolate?
I was looking back the other day on how far I have come. Not in the sense of success but in the sense of growth. Growth as a person.
I remember not too long ago I hated parties. Just the thought of going to one made my back shiver and gave me goosebumps all over my body. The thought of interacting with people I have never me just drove me crazy. I would ask myself, why would anyone talk to someone they don’t already know?
But, in reality we have all have talked to someone we don’t know. That’s the only way you got to meet the people you know very well now. You know them very well now, but at one point or another you never did. And now you talk to them not even remembering how terrified you were of starting the conversation in the beginning.
I guess what I am trying to say is how much I have changed. In this world, you really can’t be antisocial. Please, don’t get me wrong, I always get those doubts like, will they like me? What if I say something I wasn’t supposed to say? What if we have nothing to talk about? Will they want to be my friends? Will they think I’m weird? And about a million other questions always run through my mind.
But it’s the way I answer those questions that really gives me confidence. First, who cares what people say? Sure, you do, but if you are looking for their approval are they really that worth it? It reminds me of college frats. You must go through all these hoops and humiliating things just to join the club? Hell no! Be in a group that is accepting that will invite you to be part of them, if they don’t want you then they are missing out on one great person.
Second, there’s always that awkward silence when you first meet someone. You either don’t know what to say or you don’t want to say something that will upset them. Ok, well if you go back to the previous paragraph we literally just said “who cares” right? So, if we think like that this will take some pressure off. Ask them anything! Enough with the weather bullshit, we all know that its hot and its cold and global warming and shit, let’s talk about where you grew up, why you are the person whom you are today, what are your goals and dreams in this life? If you had one day left to live what would you do? No more small talk lets big talk!
I have learned that connecting with people and seeing that really everyone has fears and aspirations it has helped me come out of my shell. Sure, I’m not going to go talking to everyone I meet but if someone wants to talk and connect then yes, I’m all for it. And I know if I can do it, so can you.
Who do you call when you are at the end of your rope? What do you do when there is no one to call, because everyone is against you? Or so you feel that way.
Your best friend is supposed to be there for you through the good and the bad. Sometimes your best friend knows more about you than your own family does. Why? Because you tell them all your secrets. You tell them what you like, you even tell them what and who you hate.
They get to know you like the back of their hand. No, better, they get to know you sometimes better than they know themselves. You let them in your world and for a split second it’s bliss. It’s like a magical wonderland of infinite adventures. You want to spend every waking moment with them, you want to tell them everything.
But what happens when your at your lowest? When you need them? When your about to make the worst mistake of your life and they aren’t anywhere in sight?
What if they tell you that they want to be your friend, but they don’t want the responsibility of being there when you need them? Because they’re scared. Because they wouldn’t know what to do. Because it’s just too much for them to handle.
Maybe I’m too needy? Maybe I’m too pushy? But if I give you my heart and soul I expect that in return or else I become cold. I leave. I get distant. Don’t ask why. Don’t say goodbye. You knew this was going to happen. You saw it coming like reading from a book. But you won’t read the end because your to afraid of what I’ll do. Of what we will become. Of what we have become.