Cat Stuck In A Tree

Can a medical professional, someone who has studied the human brain, or has at least some sort of wisdom about why I am socially awkward, tell me why?

Let me explain before everyone starts yelling at me that I’m crazy, (don’t worry you don’t need to), I already know.

I was laying in bed the other day, just breathing. Just laying there not even thinking of anything. Then, suddenly, like a real life movie, I started thinking. (I know dangerous). What was I thinking about? I’m glad you asked, thank you, you’re so kind, lets be friends?

So it was the day after my church had a park picnic. I didn’t go. Why? Because I freaked out and wimped the hell out. Is that normal? Like, I know the people there. I have been knowing them for years. They’re not mean, they’re not bad. They’re actually cool people. So why didn’t I go?

That’s a real question. I don’t have an answer to that one. But I’m trying to figure it out. This happens often. Do I mind it? I mean I’m not missing out on much to be honest, its not like I wanted to go in the first place, but still my friends were there, texting me, asking me where I was. Mean while I was at home watching Netflix and living the life of a King… alone.

I look back at last year and ask myself how I did all the things that I did. I’m like, dam, who is that dude? Who was that you know? I was so social, outgoing, fun! I was kissing random people in clubs, grinding, and dancing all over the dance floor like no one was watching. Just thinking about it gives me anxiety now.

I’ve talked about this before. I have these roller coaster highs and lows of my social-ness (is that a word? You get what I mean). I don’t understand why though.

The thing is that I am like a cat stuck in a tree. I’m up there. Stuck. Can’t get down. Then when someone tries to help me all I do is hiss at them. (OK, that actually made me laugh so hard, I literally pictured myself in a tree hissing at people, hahaha, I’m so lame).

man_in_tree

 

As I’m writing this I remember something that helped me break my social walls. Alcohol. Now that I remember correctly. Before any social gathering, I’d take at least one shot. To loosen up. Soon it became two. I didn’t tell anyone. No one noticed. But I see now that, that’s the actual reason why I was so outgoing.

I remember I was trying to be more “out there”. But it’s scary out there. For me at least. So what did I do? I got goose and got loose. It helped. It worked . But at what cost? What if I wouldn’t have stopped? What if I had kept going and it became a habit? As it almost did? Where would I be now?

It’s crazy how one thought can lead to another thought which will lead you to another one. This post is mainly me talking, speaking, and just letting my thoughts free. That’s why there’s no structure (I mean there never is but still). Main points: I know I have something maybe anxiety. Alcohol: helps. Is it the answer? No.


Watch my latest YouTube video

 

Loser.

Let’s get something super straight here. I’m a loser. No I’m a Loser with a capital “L”. I’m weird and socially awkward and sometimes I’m super timid and shy and can’t seem to understand how humans interact.

Ok now that we got that out of the way.

It is NOT ok to point that out. Sure, yes I make fun of myself all the time but that’s my way of coping with my issues. Are they healthy? Absolutely not, but it’s better than what I was doing it before. Are there other easier ways? To be honest I have no clue.

Another thing, a cruel thing, is for you to come at me and point out my insecurities. First of all you have no right. Second, what the actual sjfiebdosbd. And third, when it comes from someone that is not me, it feels like an insult, like a personal attack from an outsider. My mind doesn’t process that information correctly because you have no right, as I said, to make fun of my person.

I hate people like that. I’m not making fun of you. I’m making fun of me, so stop. Also, I hate getting called out.

***gets a new hair cut***

Random person one: you trying to model now?

Random person two: ***gives an opinion that was not asked for***

I’m sorry did I ask you to rate my hair? Did I ask you for your opinion before I cut my hair? No, so why the hell do you think I want it now? Bro, if it looks good, tell me, if not then shut up and eat my sock.

I blush easily. It’s one of my pet peeves. BOOOOOY is it ever. I’m pale as a ghost, so just imagine. Someone can say soemthing or no this is better, someone can bring the attention of everyone to me and I will blush. It’s true. It’s worse when they say, why are you blushing? Um I don’t know maybe because I’m a freaking human with emotions?!

I don’t like unwanted attention. I feel like I can get a lot of amens on that. But even when I want the attention I still blush. It’s a never ending cycle of hate.

You know what? I don’t know why I even started talking. This is when I know I’ve said to much. Just had something on my chest and now it’s off and I feel great so good night, peace, I’m out .


Latest YouTube video

Sorry God

I didn’t go to church. You know, I was debating weather to go or not. Sorry God. But I chose not too. Well, I didn’t technically choose. My mom said she was tired and didn’t sleep well so she wanted to stay home instead. (Our church does this thing where you can call in and listen through the phone I know, high tech). I mean gotta get that spiritual food some how, am I right? Hahaha.

I don’t know, I was feeling iffy. I don’t know if that’s a feeling or not, but that’s what I felt. Something about seeing my ex, just being around people and all.

So, usually when I get to my church, I go around saying hi to everyone. I walk in, scan the area, and go around shaking peoples hands (people are usually sitting, but I want to say hi so they don’t think I’m socially awkward which I am). When I’m done I sit and wait for it to start. There’s nothing bad about it. I really enjoy going. But sometimes, we’ll let’s not lie, most times, I just don’t want to talk to anyone, let alone shake their hand. Wow that was a lot of comas.

But I didn’t want to do that, at all. Lately I’ve been a shut in. It physically hurts to talk to other humans. I know I’ll get over it. I’ve noticed I’ll be social here and there then come back to my rock. That’s normal right? Let’s say yes.

My “don’t care” attitude is still on me like a brand new sweater. I love it. It’s warm, cute, and just the right size. But we’ll see how it gets after a couple of uses.