Sexual Intercourse

lets talk about

Sex. You have it, I have it, like it or not your parents one time had it too, maybe they still do who knows? If they do props to them.

Are you uncomfortable talking about sex? I know some people hate the word but they love the action. I don’t judge, there is a lot of things involved with that word.

I don’t think we should be ashamed of it though. I remember when I was a child and I would be watching something on TV with my parents, when ever there was a kissing scene I would immediately go to the restroom, or I would act as if I wasn’t even paying attention to the TV, uninterested. As if I was going to get in trouble for seeing such graphic scene.

I was raised in a strict Christian home, which is probably why I thought that way. The only time I heard the word sex was at school, at church it was called “sexual intercourse”, which was only allowed when one would marry.

In my opinion sex is great, specially if you are doing it with someone you love and really care about. If you’re having fun that’s cool too, just be safe with your body, you only have one, take care of it.

I think talking about sex shouldn’t be taboo. Sure, you’re not going to sit at your child’s award assembly and brag to the PTA moms how hard Mr. Smith be hittin’ it. There is a place and time for every thing.

If you don’t like to talk about sex that’s fine too. We all have our right to privacy and sex is one of the most intimate things people do. I just think the shaming of people who have a lot of it needs to stop, for woman, and even men.

When you tell someone to stop doing something that they like, they’re only going to do it more, or they’re going to do it out of spite.

So have (safe) sex. Or don’t, it’s always up to you and only you.

 

 

What I Wanted Was Love

When I was seventeen years old I had a huge crush on a girl. At the time it didn’t make any sense. I was confused, unsure of my sexuality and I had internal demons I was fighting apart from everything.

So I thought to myself, how it’s it that I am gay, but at the same time want to spend all my time with this girl? Talk to her, make her laugh, feel her body warmth near me?

Was it because I was not in fact gay? Was it just in my head? A “straight” phase? Was I trying to convince myself that I wasn’t actually what I thought I was? I remember when she would hang out with other boys, my head would boil. How were they more important than me? Who she talked to on a daily?

The first night I kissed her it was amazing. It was actually the first time I had kissed anyone. And of course we didn’t know what we were doing with it being our first time, but I enjoyed it. I was so filled with joy at the thought of thinking I wasn’t actually gay, because at the time I didn’t want to be.

I moved away and we somehow got distant. We soon broke it off. I was still on the mentality that I was gay. I cried for several days when we did end things. I did love her. I believed that I was gay because I followed the gay stereotype. I liked this and that, ok then I guess I’m gay.

As the years progressed I found myself having sexual relationships with men. It was good I’m not going to lie, no one on earth can say that any sexual act that is welcomed isn’t good. But at the end I felt guilty. Dirty even sometimes. Many times during sex I wished it would stop.

I have never been in love with a man. What I had fallen for before was just the thought if someone caring for me. Someone who could protect me from the dangers of life. But I became my own protected and this year is when I found out.

I’ll be candid for a second, once I saw myself as the person I am. I stopped craving a mans touch. Even just being with a man in the first place. And if I did, I wanted to be the dominant one. And I was many times. But soon even that wasn’t what I actually wanted. What I wanted was love. No hot steamy sex. Just plain simple love.

Did I find it? I’m not certain. I did meet a wonderful girl who takes my breathe away every day. Every time we talk it’s like we’ve known each other for ever. We have the same interests, the same dislikes, and even the same goals.

So am I gay? Straight? Pansexual? Can I just love someone for who they are regardless of their gender without being pointed at?

I told a friend about this girl I like last week. Her response was “no, you’re gay. You’ve been gay and you’ll always be gay.”

Is my sexual orientation Solemnly calculated with evidence from my past? Life changes, life changes us, we change as people, and along with that so do our desires.

I’m not saying I’m straight, sure I’m attracted to guys I will never deny that. But when I picture my future I always imagine it with a girl. And I’ve only had actually feelings for girls. I’ve only been in love with girls.

So what am I? I do not know. All that I know is that I just want to live my life, without people putting labels on things.

Crush

Crushes. I hate them. I feel like they are childish. Even the word sounds a bit immature. At my age (23) I should not be getting these “crushes”. I should be building my relationships off of solid and concrete facts, not on “omg he’s so cute.”

So, there’s this guy at work, I never really had a crush on him before and I’ve known him for maybe a little over than a year now. But, as I have gotten to know him my thoughts about him have changed. He’s actually a really cool caring stand up guy.

We’ve gotten really close, and I’m not talking about like falling for each other close, I’m talking about “friends” close. He’s straight and I’m gay. He doesn’t know that I’m a flaming homosexual, only like 2 of my coworkers do. But that hasn’t stopped me from swooning over him ever time he smiles at me or stops me just to catch up.

Our relationship didn’t start to grow until he noticed I was real good friends which one girl he liked. He asked me for advice about how to get close with her and eventually ask her out. I thought, shit he’s actually straight. Because obviously I thought maybe he would out if no where come out.

But he didn’t, and even though it sounds stupid I loved talking to him and just being around him. It just annoyed me when we talked about that girl. She’s so pretty, she’s so cute, it was all blah.

The funny thing, is that when his crush went away from this girl because she was playing hard to get we started to get to know each other more. He would talk less about her and more about himself and also ask questions about me. I honestly thought maybe, just maybe, he could fall for me.

But no, he soon started talking about the girl once again. So now, here I’m left with all the good memories of our conversations. Hoping one day he’ll realize that I am everything he’s looking for.

But that’s highly unlikely to ever happen.