This Person I Am, Who Is That?

I am bipolar.

No, its not written on a paper, I was not tested, and I haven’t seen anyone that actually has a degree to be telling me this. But I know I am. Either that or something else (I know I’ve gone over this before, which only proves my point). All I know is that something is not working correctly up there, its always malfunctioning, always pulling me in the wrong direction, and it needs to stop. These highs and lows, these lies I tell people and myself. This person I am, who is that?

 

I feel like I’m trapped inside a bubble, but get this, every single time I’m bursting my way out, every single time I think I am finally free from it, every single time I do the impossible to make it out of it alive… I stop. I, turn around, and find refuge in it.

If that didn’t make sense (because I’m literally just spitting my thoughts on the keyboard with my fingers), picture this;

You are running in the woods, dark and damp. It has just rained, again. You run and run. You can’t even remember why you are running any more, so you stop. You breathe, the trees are nice. The birds are chirping, and you tell yourself, “you know, maybe I am over reacting. It’s not all bad.” That’s when you hear it. The loudest growl you have ever heard. Every time you hear it, it gets louder, and meaner. Your heart starts to pound and you feel the sweat on your forehead start to drip into your eyes making them sting and water. Before you take off running you look back and you see it. Huge, mean, big teeth, sharp claws, heavy feet crumbling everything that gets in its way. Branches cracking and logs being shoved, the birds burst into the clouds in the skies because even though they are high in the tress and out of reach from this thing, they still fear it. That’s when you remember what you were running away from.

You start to run again, and you finally escape, just like you always do. It’s a cycle that never stops. But then, this time you stop running. You stand your ground and come face to face with this creature. You look into its mesmerizing, beautiful, glowing eyes. You touch its softer than soft fur. You notice that those sharp teeth shine an ear to ear with a genuine smile. You feel the warm embrace of a nice hug and you feel like you are home again. The birds return with a lovely melody only they can sing,  and the rays of the sun kiss your skin welcoming you back to bliss. You are ok. Everything is fine. And then you feel the sharp pain on your arms reminding you why you were running once again, as It’s sharp claws come up to strike once again, you take off. And the cycle continues.

 

That is how I feel. I don’t know of any other way to describe it. I don’t even know if it made any sense. I don’t know what to do about it. And honestly, it is getting way to repetitive in my opinion.

 


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Sunday Frustrated-Day

I. Am. Frustrated.

So sit down, shut up, and listen.

That was aggressive, I’m sorry, I’ve just ugh I don’t know, today has been a hot mess.

First, I was supposed to go help someone from church do some things, but because I really didn’t want to spend time with them and the people they invited I didn’t go. Also, my best friend invited me to a get together at the same time, but I honestly didn’t want to be around people, so canceled that real quick. Not necessarily be around people, just not socialize with them part, make sense?

Thought I’d go to Starbucks to edit, IT WAS PACKED, who knew everyone in Southern California has a weird fetish for Starbucks on a Sunday afternoon? I didn’t. I sat next to these nice woman. I asked if I could sit on the chair next to the table next to them, they said , “absolutely!” With a warm welcome like that why wouldn’t I sit down?

Then, out of shame, I didn’t even edit. I was scared they would look over and see me editing myself talking to a camera. So I just surfed the internet. A spot opened up across the store, did I move? Nope. I was so frighted that they nice ladies would think I was moving because of them. So I stayed there for thirty minutes until they left. Then, that’s when I took my chance and moved.

Once I moved, I started finally doing what I had gone there to do. Ok, good, then BAM, computer battery at 10% . Great . Just great. I know what you’re thinking, just plug it in. Well, Captain Obvious, that’s what I wanted to do. But the power outlet was right beside some dude and I was not about to tap him on the shoulder and ask if I could plug in my cord. So I left.

I went to go get an oil change because I wanted to at least do something productive today. I went to one where you don’t have to get off your car and it’s supper fast. It was a slow day for them (because everyone was probably sipping their Starbucks drinks at Starbucks) so everyone was on me and my oil change. I was out of there in less then 10 minutes. Great service, awkward goodbyes .

I come home and remember that tomorrow is Monday. I’m sorry if I just reminded you or informed you. But yes. Tomorrow is that day. Tomorrow I go to work. I dread it. If I wasn’t already frustrated enough, I’d get frustrated just by thinking that.

I literally just want to lay in bed and stare at the sealing. Is there anything much left to do?

What Doesn’t Kill You… Will Come Back Again And Again To Try To Kill You Every Time You Beat It

Self harm has never been easy for me to talk about. Even though I have talked about it on here before, it’s not and easy topic or an and everyday thing to speak about.

I’ve had a really long relationship with self harming. It’s different for everyone. It had been a little over a year since the last time this accrued. But it did. It has.

I don’t like talking about this. I don’t like even mentioning it. I hide it. Keep it covered. No one can know no one can find out.

My best friend yesterday finally broke through that wall. Everything seemed ok, everything was, or at least that’s how I usually play it as. Until he saw through it for the first time.

I told him. I don’t know why. I don’t even know how. But I did. Today when I woke up, I felt a wave of regret. Why did I tell him? He wouldn’t care. He doesn’t need to know, this isn’t his problem. Embarrassing, humiliating, and pathetic problem. Is he even going to want to still be friends?

So many thoughts went through my mind. But it was different. He listened. He was there. And he offered to help. Just thinking about it now makes me ball out with tears.

I like to say I’m strong. That I can do it all. And many people have told me that that’s what they see in me. Because that’s what I let them see. But there’s way more. I didn’t think I’d come back to this situation I’m in again. I thought this was all done with. It was all over. The whole “what doesn’t kill you doesn’t make you stronger”, but it’s not like that. It’s more of a What doesn’t kill you, will come back again and again and try to kill you every time you beat it.

There’s a song that really gets to me every time I listen to it. Maybe it’s cheesy, maybe its too something something, but the message in it is what I relate to.

I don’t know, I don’t know, I don’t know, I don’t know why
I do it every, every, every time
It’s only when I’m lonely
Sometimes I just wanna cave
And I don’t wanna fight
I try and I try and I try and I try and I try
Just hold me, I’m lonely

I’m sorry that I’m here again
I promise I’ll get help
It wasn’t my intention
I’m sorry to myself

-Demi Lovato

Change

Life changes so much it’s crazy. And sometimes those changes are good, and sometimes they’re not. People come and go out if your life just as more come in. Sometimes you’re surrounded by them and others you don’t know who to turn to.

This year for me has been filled with changes. From losing friends to meeting new ones. Being in relationships to breaking up and having a heart broken. Not to mention everything going on with my mother’s surgery.

To me, change is good. Change is an opportunity to learn new things and to also grow. Plus, I get really tired of always doing the same routine over and over again.

Recently I’ve been feeling like I need change. More in specific regarding my work. I don’t hate it, it’s not hard, and it’s not a terrible job. I work in a very decent place and everything is fine. But is it bad that I want to change that? I want to change it for something better.

I want to grow, I want to expand, and maybe even pursue my dream. There’s nothing wrong with that. I just don’t see myself working at my job the rest of my life. I know a lot of people think that way but no one actually does anything to change it.

But I will.

I Will Not Break

I’m sitting in a target parking lot. I’m tired, I’m exhausted, I’m highly stress, but I refuse to to let anyone know. I refuse to step down from where I am and say that I am not ok. I refuse to have people pity me and feel sorry for everything that is going on in my life.

My mother goes into an intensive ten hour surgery this Friday. It has high risks and it also has benefits. Not to mention her car just broke down today.

Life is testing me. I will not break. I am strong. I refuse to cry. I am not weak.

I’ve been through so much that this just seems like another hill. I’m not cocky, this is not confidence. This is me telling myself that I can do it. That whatever this is will soon be over. Good or bad it will have I happen and I will have to move on.