Alone

Yesterday as I was coming home from work from my second job when I burst into tears. I was so full of emotion, I was so full of feelings, and I think things were getting to me. Working two jobs is already stressing but let alone having life throw you curveballs is just some other type of bullshit.

Sometimes I find it hard to believe that I’m actually doing what I am and I am actually accomplishing everything I’m trying to. But there are times when I feel so alone. Sometimes I wish I could talk to someone about all my shit. Be as real as I could with them. Tell them all my darkest secrets, without them undermining my problems.

My friends are great I love them. I have a great time with them. But that’s all, a great time. Just fun fun fun. I want to be real. My family. I am the rock . They can not see me feeling down. They cannot see me give up. I have to be strong for them.

So who do you talk to when you feel this alone? I’m not saying I want to cry to someone, no. I want to have a real conversation. A real connection. One with words and head nods. One where a simple gesture will tell so much. I know it won’t solve it. That’s not why I want it. I just want to be listened to. To be heard. To get things off my chest.

I don’t need a boyfriend. I don’t need sex. This is much deeper than that. This is heart to heart. The things I have to say aren’t for people who will use it against me when they first can. The things I have holding me down are things so personal to me. So personal, so private, so deeply hidden, that they make me feel alone.

I’m like the ocean. Cool, calm, and collected, always shining best when being hit but the rays of the sun. But then night falls and waves will hit, bringing down anything in its grasps. Creatures will come out and cause havoc. The coldness of the water freezing over the warmest of hearts. Dark, scary, sometimes angry. But most of all, alone.

Look What You Made Me Do

I made it out alive this week! Even though it was tough week I still made it out feeling satisfied. Friday was very stressful and I have to vent, so I’m sorry but here it is.

Since the department that sends things out at work is really heavy with orders, management decided to make everyone else do four hours of over time to help them out. Since I have another job I chose to two hours one day and the other two on a different day.

Friday was one of those days. And I was so tired from the whole week, like I had been sleeping four hours a day. I asked my lead if it was ok to go home after my eight hours. She said no, and them she asked our manager and apparently he also said no.

This pissed me off so much because she gets treated like a queen and no one says anything. Plus she had left early two weeks ago along with someone else on our department.

There is so much favoritism at this work place that I can’t stand it. So now, I’m done giving my all, I’m finished doing all the dirty work for them. I am the one that does the most in that department and I’m done being taken advantage. I’m finished being the nice guy.

This is all part of the new me. And its not my fault, this is what they made me do.

Working For The Man

I am tired as hell! I never thought working two jobs would make me feel this exhausted. And it’s my first week! But, on the plus side the days do go by faster, although that can also be looked as a bad thing seeing I’m wasting my young precious life slaving away to for Man.

So I wake up everyday at 5 in the morning. Get ready for my first job (which is full time) and get there at 6AM. I leave from there when I’m off at 2:30PM.

After that I have limited time to eat, change clothes, and drive to work and arrive at 4PM. At that job I’m there until 10 which is a total of 6 hours. For now, that’s my schedule but it could all change.

Anyway I get home at around 10:30 and get things ready for the next day. So I’m in bed by 11PM to restart the whole cycle again.

Hope this wasn’t too boring, like who wants to know what people do?

Basically I have time to do nothing. Even though this could be very stress full, I’m trying to stay polite and remind myself that’s it’s all for my mom. (And kind of for my self, don’t judge me!) Keeping a positive attitude helps a lot. Even when times are tough.

This weekend I am off from both jobs and I’m catching up with a friend who went to Alaska in the summer. Not because she wanted to see it but she went for a work. She’s back and I can’t wait to see her.

Later on that day it sure yet to what I will be doing but pretty sure I’ll be doing something.

What I really want to be doing is SLEEPING.

Just Might Let Go

           I am so stressed. I fear for my future. It’s hard to say what will become of me in the next weeks. I feel like i am going crazy. Multiple times I have found myself zoned out just, thinking.

           Questions flood my mind, like, how will we eat? How will we pay our bills? How will we pay the rent? Will we even have a place to live? How will we move on? Can we? Can I?

           I can now confirm that my back pain is do to stress. Every time I find myself thinking about things my back turns out to feel worse. I can’t think straight at work . I have been making more and more mistakes as the days go by. I have been known for not making any, now I don’t know how to explain them all. I just can’t focus. Sleep is getting harder to do. I can’t fall asleep easy and when I wake up I lie in bed paralyzed by what I have to get up to. Every day is darker than the past.

           I don’t know what else to do to get my mind off all my problems. Reading and watching TV does not help. Listening to music only clouds my thoughts but doesn’t fix them. Expressing my feelings and talking to someone wont help, all they will tell me is to ‘hang in there and wait ’till it gets better.’ But its funny, because I know it wont. It can’t. They don’t know me. They are not in my situation. How can they possibly say that it will get better? How can they possibly know?

They don’t.

           I don’t think I have ever been so close to the end of my rope. Or, maybe I have, but this time I feel that I just might let go.

I just wish everything would just stop.

Stressed Out

          Today was truely a hectic day. I wasn’t expecting everything to go the way that it did. In the morning things were looking up. I settled into my bosses chair and took to do the work she usually does. It was nice being in control. People started saying how I was going to take her spot. Which maybe one day I will. 

          Later in the day I saw for my own eyes why she was always stressed. She has to put up with other departments bugging her for inventory issues. I swear, I couldn’t get started on my own work without being interrupted by other people with negative locations. At first I felt good that I was needed. But then I saw that it was a little overwhelming. I don’t know how she does it. Our inventory manager said I did a good job today which made me feel a little better. Then again I don’t know if she was serious or just being nice. 

          Monday she won’t be around so that will be another day to show people my skills. And hopefully she’s back on Tuesday. Even though I do like the job, I’m still not getting paid what she is so why should I do it? This chance did provide me with a fifteen minute spotlight so management can see that I am useful. 

           My work permit has yet to come. It’s really frustrating. It’s stressing me out so much. My back has been aching for more than three weeks now an I think it’s because I’ve been really stressing out. I called to check on my status and they told me it’s still in process. Which technically isn’t bad but I would like it to get here before June and before I get fired and my currant permit expires. 

           One thing that did surprise me was that an old friend texted me and told me to right her a recommendation letter. I was a manager at a fast food place when I met her. It’s strange how that’s what made her text me. She only needed me to her convienoence. It kind of hurt my feelings but I’ll do the letter anyway. My big heart won’t let me be mean to her. I have to learn to forget and forgive. So much is going on right now that just adding enemies to the list of things isn’t going to help anyone out. 

          Tomorrow should be a better day. I’m going to start it off with a hike, then I’m going to get an oil change followed by a hair cut. In the afternoon I’m going to see Gardiams of The Galaxy 2. I loved the first one, and even though I’m not as a big fan as my brother is of Marvel, I still loved it. So tomorrow shall be a better day and today shall end soon. But what does the rest of my future have in store for me?