Summer

In case you didn’t know or you’ve been binge watching a show on Netflix, like I have, you haven’t yet looked outside your window or at a calendar and seen that Summer is approaching. Last year my summer was very, epic, (some would say). I had the whole college frat boy experience, without actually going to college, or being a frat boy. There was party week after week. There was “get togethers” , alcohol, and so many other things that I can’t remember because my memory is foggy.

I don’t know about you but for me summer always starts Memorial day weekend. Which is basically a month before “actual” summer starts. Look, I didn’t make the rules, and I don’t really follow them either, but uh, never mind, lost my train of thought.

Anyway, what I am getting at is that I am not ready for summer. All the graduations are coming up. They basically kick off the start of summer. I’m not the most popular of people but I do know people that know people, which gets me an invite to these parties. Parties I do not want to attend. I know that makes me sound like a douche bag but think what you want.

Don’t ask me why I don’t want to go. Stop. I wont tell you. Ok, I’ll tell you. Most of the parties I went last year were “church parties”. And no they weren’t boring. I know the thought of a church party sounds like we sat in a circle and read Bible stories while we asked God to forgive us for having fun. If you think that’s that’s the case, you have a real bad interpretation of religion. Or at least my religion.

They were fun. Nothing crazy, but at the same time it was super chill. I enjoyed them. I went to graduation parties, baby showers, and some parties that really didn’t have a reason but just to have fun and dance. It was a lit time fam. (Eww). But I was different back then. I honestly don’t know who I was. I don’t know who I am now so there’s that too. Where was I going with this?  I don’t know.

All I’m trying to say I think is that I am not ready for summer. (Think I said that twice now). The going out, the parties, the whole being social aspect of it. It just bugs me. I know maybe I’ll change my mind later and come back writing about being the center of attention, but for now that’s where my state of mind is at the moment.

My best friend is acting weird. The Elders in my church want me to be someone they think I want to be, I need to look for a new job, my mom is concerned that I’m not mentally stable, and my friends outside of church still believe I’m that rebel that did all those crazy outrageous things last year. Who is going to tell all these people that they are wrong? Not I. When I do tell them that I am not that, they will ask what I am and I don’t know.

That’s mainly the real reason behind my not wanting to go to these parties. If I go, I’m exposed to being asked about my “spiritual goals” or awkward questions about my ex, or worse, seeing her there and having to speak to her. If I hang out with my non-religious friends they’ll start to think that Party Peter is back, and I don’t want to give them the wrong impression.

So summer, if you’re listening, please postpone your flight. I’m not ready.

 

Severance

Yesterday, along with all my coworkers, we found out that the company we work for is going to downsize more than half of the employees. We are currently staffed at 150 and they’re goal is to get down to 60 by July. That does not include management, which there are 15 and will go down to 3.

They explained that the company moved to the west coast here in California a while ago to supply the demands of customers here. They thought that by having the business closer to them they would profit and all. That did no work out. So they are moving back to the east coast where headquarters is currently at. There will only be one account left here in California, and the 60 people that remain will be supplying that accounts product.

There are so many questions that people have. They are concerned. I feel them. They have families, car payments, houses they just bought. But I am not that worried. I want to leave that place. If you have been reading my blog for a while now, you know how much I hate it there. And looking back at it now it all makes sense. The cut backs, the high demand in production, and the excessive firing for dumb stupid reasons.

There will be a pay out. Only a month’s worth, but still, some people are happy about that. Some people can’t wait to collect unemployment. Others, they actually want to be part of the 60 that stay. Nothing is certain. No one knows how they will be electing the people. No one knows when they will start issuing the WARN letters. Technically after they hand you that letter, 60 days from that day will be your last.

I have not heard anything from the job I interviewed at. I was worried before, but now I know that if it was meant to be it would have been. I know I have to keep trying and trying until something comes up. I do not believe in unemployment. Living off the government is not something I am ok with. I know I hate working, but everything I have I have worked for it, I am not one to get things handed to, I don’t do that.

 

But deep down inside. Some where deep deep in there, there is doubt, there is worry, and I fear when it will rise, because when it does. It’s not going to be pretty.


Watch my latest YouTube video


 

Game Plan

Ok, so I have a game plan (I think).

 

Yesterday I had what someone would call an epiphany. But what do I call it? I call it a wake up call from my stupidity. I am fat. Lets just get straight to the point here. Don’t sit there and tell me other wise, because you can’t see me, and honestly that’s a good thing. You should be grateful. You should pray to God or what ever you do and feel blessed you can’t see aaaall this.

Also, don’t come at me with the whole, you should love yourself just the way you are BS. Because, I do. I do love myself. That’s why I always buy myself food and please my taste buds like I do. Its not that I care what other people say either because I high key don’t anymore. But at the same time I don’t want to look like a fat pig either you know?

Ok, all physical appearances aside, lets talk about the health side of this. I get heartburn maybe about seven times a day. That’s not ok because it means I’m harboring battery acid in my stomach or something and it needs to stop. ASAP. I am buying about 30$ worth of anti acids a month and that money can be going to something else. Plus, I’m constantly weak. I get tired so fast, I have no endurance what so ever. I tried to pick up some cardboard today at work and I needed to sit down and meditate afterwards because I felt like I was about to get a hemorrhoid or pull a muscle.

So what am I going to do? Well, after researching and coming to the horrid conclusion that I can not afford any type of surgery, I have decided that I have to take this matter into my own hands. No, I will not be preforming surgery on myself, silly goose. I will be, ugh, dare I say it… “eating healthy and exercising.”

I know that the first step is the hardest. So, what I have made is a list. A list of things that I will not eat. I didn’t go all hardcore on it either or else I might go crazy and bite a live cow or something. I also told my self that I will be going walking every single day for two weeks straight. Just to see if I see a change. I REALLY WANT TO SEE A CHANGE. I’ll take it slow the first couple of days (because I am slow). And I will try my best to keep it up.

I live in So Cal (that’s California, us hipsters call it that ….hahah..ha). So technically it’s summer here already. Summer started the last time it rained. Its been an average of 75 degrees this whole week. Its only going to get hotter and I want to be able to show off my rockin’ hot bod. “But, Peter! You should feel comfortable in your own skin,” you said. You’re right. And I do, but I’m an attention whore not really but yeah and I want to be complimented, so there’s that.


Check out my YouTube Channel

Instagram

A Post Never Published

May 24th of 2018

Religión has always been a huge part of my homosexual life.
This past weekend I went to a religious convention for my religion. I’ve always had a hate/love relationship with my church (organization). I’ve grown to hate my self just as much as hate Them. I was so close to death so many times because of this toxic relationship. Yet, there I found myself sitting calmly listing to the preacher diss and humiliate the homosexual community for sinning against god.
I can’t say I disagree on all of their teachings though, I do like some. But, does that make me hypocritical? Because I only chose what I want to listen to and dislike the ones that change me?
The only friend I have that is also in this religion was also there. We haven’t had the greatest communication lately. I thought it was because I had came out to him. He swears he’s been the busiest little bee ever. What do I believe? My little paranoid brain? Or his empty words?
Today is the day I let go. I let go of this pain. If he does not want to be in my life for what ever the reason it may be. Then so be it. I tried to keep him by my side for so long. I’m over it. He will miss me I know that’s a sure thing. I will to. It will hurt but I’m moving on with my life and if he doesn’t want to be part of it there’s not much I can do.

I wrote this post back in May of this year, it was when I was going through stuff with one of my all time best friends. I don’t know what I was going through really, maybe just an episode of pure depression and self loathing. I don’t recall why I never posted it. I was probably hopping for a better outcome.

So what happened with me and this friend after May 28th? I stopped trying. I let go. It was so hard and it really did hurt me not to talk to him. Imagine talking to someone every second of every day for years and then you completely stop.

I saw it coming. We went from telling each other every little detail of every insignificant thing to speaking to each other with one world answers, and finally to not speaking at all. The day I got home from that convention I remember messaging him something and him replying with a, “yup“. That’s when I decided it was over.

I was not going to try to mend a friendship with a person who did not want to contribute to solve the problem. You would think that maybe he would have reached out and ask if anything was ok, but he didn’t. Which only proved my theory to be correct.

So, this whole summer we lived our lives not speaking to each other. Only pretending to be civil in front of others if we ever crossed paths. No one knew the history, no one knew the secrets.

But during Labor Day weekend everything changed. I went to the beach with some friends and he went along as well. Some how we ended up talking. Nothing serious, just making jokes and laughing about simple irrelevant things. The day was a blast and we both had fun.

The next day he messaged me;

“Thank you for sticking with me. I’ve been such a dork and dumb friend that I couldn’t see that my stubborn personality was pushing us apart. I have let that part of me go for the sake that I can continue to be your friend. So thank you for not giving up on me. Sorry for being petty and reckless to a point where I almost ruined what we had. And I know that just cuz i said that won’t make us go to what we were just like that. But I’m here for the long haul so I’ll do whatver it takes to get back to where we need to be.”

I wasn’t expecting him to say these things. Yes, I’d stop talking to him but I never showed him any hostility. Whenever I’d see him at church gatherings I would always say hi. Not because I was over it, but because I wanted him to think I was. I missed his friendship.

We talked a for a bit after that. Things had settled. Feelings had subsided. Was it just time apart that we needed for our friendship to grow back to how it once was?

What ever it was, now we are back at it again. Friends. I don’t know about him, but I’ve changed as the person this summer. I take care of my feelings more, I’m more outspoken, I’m not scared to lose people like I once was, and the best of all, I don’t need anyone but myself to make me happy.

Small World

Yesterday I talked to my shaman.

Well technically speaking it was one of my friends. I hadn’t seen her in for ever (two months). And she just came back from being out of the country. No one thought she was going to come back do to the fact she fell in love with a guy who was a family friend. But eventually she did, and I’m super glad she did.

We went to go eat sushi because I love sushi and because why now? I really did miss her. She’s really cool and so awkward at the same time but I love her.

We catcher up and then I told her how I was feeling down the other day. How conflicted I was with everything going on in my life (it’ll probably be a post in the future), and she listened to me. It was nice. I like her points of view.

I know sometimes I put others happiness in front of mine but that’s ok because I feel like if they are happy I am too. But at the same time there’s that little feeling inside of me that I could be doing something else that would actually make me happier.

After talking we went to the park to walk around (or walk off the sushi I would say). It was a nice windy calm evening. I missed evenings like that, it’s been so hot lately and I’m sick of it.

Anyways, it was fun talking to her and my spirit really did go up from down where it had been. She always knows how to cheer me up, I’m glad she’s in my life. Apparently she knows a a girl who knows me who I met through a guy on Grindr. I know complicated shit but it’s a small world. A very small world.