Do Not Disturb

What’s the opposite of writers block? I think I have that. I want to type until my fingers bleed. Maybe not as much but sort of like that. I have all these thoughts in my head I want to spit out onto the blank canvas on my screen. But, I wont. It would be too messy and honestly no one is down to listen to all that nonsense. Plus no one would understand it either way.

I was thinking though I would at least let one thought out into the world. One can’t do that much damage can it?

My phone has been through hell and back more than twice and ever since then when ever it vibrates it makes this crazy vibration sound that people think its a sex toy. I’m not kidding. The freaking thing can be heard in my pocket clearer than then the ring tone. It’s been an issue for a while. Anyone who has yet to hear it I have to explain to them that my phone has been through some serious things and that’s its way of screaming for attention, before they get the wrong impression of me.

To fix this issue I have resorted in using the Do Not Disturb function on my phone. Let me tell you something. This was function was made by the Leave Me The F*** Alone Gods. At first I did it because I was tired of hearing the buzzing sound that my phone made. But then, I was liberated.  I was freed. I noticed that I wasn’t always reaching for my phone 24/7. I even stopped feeling my pocket thinking that my phone had gone off when in reality hadn’t, (you know what I’m talking about right? When you think your phone vibrates when in fact it hasn’t, its just your brain playing mind tricks on you).

It’s been over a week since I started doing this and I have to say that my life has gotten way much better. There are functions on this setting that will allow someone to get through this firewall, if there actually is an emergency. So there really isn’t any reason that I have for turning it back on.

When I need to text someone, I will. If they text me, now I will text them back the next time I pick up my phone, not when my phone is having a full on vibration seizure. Its actually really therapeutic. I highly recommend it, if you’re not that addicted to getting notifications, or you are one of those peoples that needs to know when they get a text or else they will have an asthma attack if they don’t reply within 5 seconds, if that’s the case, I think you got an issue to be honest.

 

This Person I Am, Who Is That?

I am bipolar.

No, its not written on a paper, I was not tested, and I haven’t seen anyone that actually has a degree to be telling me this. But I know I am. Either that or something else (I know I’ve gone over this before, which only proves my point). All I know is that something is not working correctly up there, its always malfunctioning, always pulling me in the wrong direction, and it needs to stop. These highs and lows, these lies I tell people and myself. This person I am, who is that?

 

I feel like I’m trapped inside a bubble, but get this, every single time I’m bursting my way out, every single time I think I am finally free from it, every single time I do the impossible to make it out of it alive… I stop. I, turn around, and find refuge in it.

If that didn’t make sense (because I’m literally just spitting my thoughts on the keyboard with my fingers), picture this;

You are running in the woods, dark and damp. It has just rained, again. You run and run. You can’t even remember why you are running any more, so you stop. You breathe, the trees are nice. The birds are chirping, and you tell yourself, “you know, maybe I am over reacting. It’s not all bad.” That’s when you hear it. The loudest growl you have ever heard. Every time you hear it, it gets louder, and meaner. Your heart starts to pound and you feel the sweat on your forehead start to drip into your eyes making them sting and water. Before you take off running you look back and you see it. Huge, mean, big teeth, sharp claws, heavy feet crumbling everything that gets in its way. Branches cracking and logs being shoved, the birds burst into the clouds in the skies because even though they are high in the tress and out of reach from this thing, they still fear it. That’s when you remember what you were running away from.

You start to run again, and you finally escape, just like you always do. It’s a cycle that never stops. But then, this time you stop running. You stand your ground and come face to face with this creature. You look into its mesmerizing, beautiful, glowing eyes. You touch its softer than soft fur. You notice that those sharp teeth shine an ear to ear with a genuine smile. You feel the warm embrace of a nice hug and you feel like you are home again. The birds return with a lovely melody only they can sing,  and the rays of the sun kiss your skin welcoming you back to bliss. You are ok. Everything is fine. And then you feel the sharp pain on your arms reminding you why you were running once again, as It’s sharp claws come up to strike once again, you take off. And the cycle continues.

 

That is how I feel. I don’t know of any other way to describe it. I don’t even know if it made any sense. I don’t know what to do about it. And honestly, it is getting way to repetitive in my opinion.

 


Watch my latest YouTube video


 

2

I am no professional blogger. I’m not even a professional writer. Sometimes I miss spell words or either do not use the correct ones. I hope everyone understands what I try to say though. Although writing and reading are my most favorite things to do that doesn’t mean I’m good at them.

Two weeks ago marked two years I’ve had this blog. Two years I’ve been writing and spilling all my feelings for everyone on the internet to see. Two years that I’ve had ups and downs and written about them. My good days and bad days. All my flings and romances and even current relationships. Everything. The best way to get to know the real me would be reading my blog.

This post also marks my 200th post. For me that’s a huge milestone. But also, just to think that I’ve written that many posts, or in general said so many things, so many words and letters. It’s like an accomplishment. I’ve tried having a blog before and it never worked out. But this time, for some reason, I’ve been here.

I was going to write a post about what I’ve learned from blogging or of blogging. But, if I’m honest here, I haven’t learned much. I don’t see this place as a place to get views or followers. Sure having people that will read what you right is great! But that’s not why I do what I do. I’ve learned more about myself on this blog and I have to give thanks to it for that.

For example, I’ve learned that I’m a person who likes to express their feelings. And it’s totally fine! If you don’t express yourself, this feelings get bottled up and will eventually burst out, and sometimes you can’t control or handle the way they do. And maybe you knew that, but I didn’t.

Another thing that’s been really close to my heart that I’ve learned from this blog is that there are people out there that feel the same way as I do. Sure, you knew that , but I didn’t. We live life really blinded thinking that our situation is the only one on the planet. That’s not true, maybe there are people else where going through something that is similar to you. I’ve learned that through my readers comments and I appreciate every single one. Thank you.

I honestly do wish I would have started this blog way long ago. It would have helped me in so many ways. But I’m very great full I have it now.

Make It All Stop

Anxiety. I have a lot of it.

No, it’s not doctor diagnosed, but I know I do. Let me tell you why.

About a month ago I went to the doctor to ask about my increasing head aches. I wasn’t sleeping and wasn’t eating. It was around the time I came out to my best friend. I know that was mainly the problem. Also the working two jobs. Once that passed I was ok.

But even before then I have always known there has been something else. I’ve never really paid attention to it but now it has come to a point where I need it to stop.

I know I have anxiety. I do not know of what kind.

Let me explain.

I hate parties. I hate social interactions. I don’t like talking to knew people. I don’t like being the center of attention. Why? I have no clue, but when this things do happen when I can’t avoid them at all costs, I get hot, sweaty, red in the face like a tomato, I don’t know what to do with my hands, and my heart pumps so hard I can feel it through my fingers.

I over think. I know I’ve said this before and I’ll repeat it again because it’s true. The emphasis can not be placed on it enough.

I think about everything. What do they think of me? Are they whispering about me? Why are they laughing? Should I double check my zipper? Why haven’t they texted back? Do they find me boring? Who are they texting? Why do they avoid me? Why are they like that? Why am I like this? Why can’t I stop?

Every little word of anybody I will over analyze. I will take that thought with me, tuck it in bed, and sleep with it till the sun comes back up and then I’ll carry it around until it weighs me down.

I worry about every little thing, even after it as been assured to me that everything is ok. I’m so into my thoughts sometimes I’m not focused and make clueless mistakes.

I feel like I’m in a box. On the inside I see life pass by and I knock on the glass walls screaming for help, crying out waving my hands back and forth. But when people look over, all they see is an old moldy decaying cardboard box.

I know I need help. Tomorrow I’m going to call a counselor at my clonic to see if he can help me. I’m tired of feeling this way. I’m tired of carrying what people say about me. So how do I make it all stop.

Call Me The “Professional Wallflower”

Dear Journal,

So, I was thinking (which is never a good idea, for anyone) that I think I my have social anxiety. Like any other normal person the first thing I did after my self diagnose was go straight to the internet. I googled social anxiety. I do relate to many of the things that describe the “social phobia.” Yes, I do have problems starting and holding a conversation with a human being, (I conversate better with animals, they understand me).

It’s more than just not being able to speak to people. When I’m out or even at work I hate when people look at me. Not sure what that’s all about, but I feel that it should be included if were talking about this subject. Also, not to mention that if there are more than four people in a conservation that I should be part of, I am not. I tend to blend in the background and slowly fade away with the color of the paint on he wall, (I should be a spy). Call me the Professional Wallflower. 

This is where it gets dark, FYI Journal. Most of the time I hate being around people. The bad thing is that they are my friends. Yes I will admit, that, I have canceled on my friends many many times. I have also been guilty as to not reply to their text messages sometimes to not engage in a conversation…over the phone. How pathetic is that? I love my friends, don’t get me wrong, I’m just scared of what I’ll say. I hate being quiet so my brain is always thinking of the next thing I’m going to say or what the next topic is going to be about, that at the end of the night all I would said is, “this pizza is good.”

I don’ know why I feel this way. I think it has to do with my life. I haven’t had one of the luckiest of lifes out there but it’s not that terrible. A lot of lows and one or two highs is a better way of describing it. There’s a lyric from a song by Twenty One Pilots that goes;

“While you’re doing fine, there’s some people and I
Who have a really tough time getting through this life
So excuse us while we sing to the sky”

 

I LIVE by these lyrics so much. Sometimes I hear people say “I was once shy, now I’m crazier and louder  than my mother,” or “I used to be bullied for being a wimp and not having friends, now I’m the life if the party.” And I think to myself, how did they do it? Did they go to a special seminar? Did they read a motivational book? Hypnosis? Therapy? Aliens? Drugs? I have no clue but I know I would do anything to be more outgoing. To hold at least a two-minute conversation before getting all red flushed in the face and slowly awkwardly walking away and waving bye like a fifth grader, I’m twenty-two for crying out loud (in the corner!)

Well that’s all I had to say Journal. Excuse me while I go ignore some text messages and binge on some hours on Netflix without any social interaction or human contact and bury my feelings deep deep deep down inside.

 parar-a-menstruacao

2/15/2017