We all have different ways of expressing our emotions and sometimes we don’t know how to decipher everyone else’s.
For instance there has been many times that I am left on read (for the older audience that means that I send someone a message and they do not reply, but yet they have seen the message), its not a good feeling and sometimes my mind wonders why they did that? Did they not want to talk to me? Are they tired of me? Do they even like me? None of these things are probably true but that is what my brain is trained to do because I have allowed it to .
Another example of how difficult humans can be is that sometimes they do things that you don’t even understand. Take for example my friends, about six of us were set on getting together yesterday to eat some sushi at this fancy place everyone is talking about. Did we? No. Why? Because 90% of them canceled , so it was only me and another friend.
Why they canceled last minute and decide it was ok, I have no clue. But this is where I get to my point, as complicated and as difficult as humans can sometimes be, is it up to us to judge or even get mad at why they do the things they do? Maybe they has a rough day and wish to not speak to any one, or maybe they just aren’t in the mood even if nothing did happened to them.
I forgave my friends for canceling, and I feel that we need a little more of that in this world. Every once in a while I hear, “well maybe if she wouldn’t have done that we would still be friends.” Ok, true, but maybe if you would have just forgiven her you guys would still be friends. (Depending on what she did to but I mean if you really want someone to stick around and they want to be there and ask for forgiveness why not give them a second chance?) There is so much animosity towards everyone today and it needs to stop.
The concept of actually knowing some one makes my little brain flutter with emotions.
How do you know someone? Sure, you know there favorite color, favorite foods, the things that make them happy, and even the things that they hate. But these are just things that you know of them, not necessarily them, themselves.
I know a lot of people. Well better said, I know of a lot of people. I know many things about them. Through the course of years I’ve gotten to know more and more about them. They too have grown to know of me. But do they know me?
Do they know me? No. They know the me that I let them see. They know the person I want them to see. The person they want me to be. Why? To keep them? To make them happy? To not cause any confrontations? The answer to all of these may possibly be yes.
I would like someone, at least one person, to get to know me. Not of me. Not my favorite color, nor food, or anything that describes me. I want them to know me.
I am so stressed. I fear for my future. It’s hard to say what will become of me in the next weeks. I feel like i am going crazy. Multiple times I have found myself zoned out just, thinking.
Questions flood my mind, like, how will we eat? How will we pay our bills? How will we pay the rent? Will we even have a place to live? How will we move on? Can we? Can I?
I can now confirm that my back pain is do to stress. Every time I find myself thinking about things my back turns out to feel worse. I can’t think straight at work . I have been making more and more mistakes as the days go by. I have been known for not making any, now I don’t know how to explain them all. I just can’t focus. Sleep is getting harder to do. I can’t fall asleep easy and when I wake up I lie in bed paralyzed by what I have to get up to. Every day is darker than the past.
I don’t know what else to do to get my mind off all my problems. Reading and watching TV does not help. Listening to music only clouds my thoughts but doesn’t fix them. Expressing my feelings and talking to someone wont help, all they will tell me is to ‘hang in there and wait ’till it gets better.’ But its funny, because I know it wont. It can’t. They don’t know me. They are not in my situation. How can they possibly say that it will get better? How can they possibly know?
I don’t think I have ever been so close to the end of my rope. Or, maybe I have, but this time I feel that I just might let go.