Broke to Immensely in Debt

The unemployment system sucks ass.

First off, the pay sucks, second if you have any concerns or questions about your case or what ever it is you are trying to solve don’t even bother calling because all you will get is an answering machine, there is literally no option to speak to a real breathing person. Not to mention their only window to call is 8 am to 12 pm.

This is has been my life for the past couple of weeks. My unemployment is all gone, used up. So I have gone from being broke to immensely in debt. My credit cards are slowly going to start maxing out, and then I’ll start freaking out.

I have been applying to jobs for weeks now, I’m starting to think that my resume is not one of the best, even though my teacher helped me on it.

What I’m looking for is a part time job. I have school, I have my internship, and then I want to spend time with my boyfriend. Yet, I can’t get a job. I lost count of all the places I have applied to, its ridiculous.

I have thought of going to a work agency, but I have stopped myself because of my availability. They would have to find some where really special for me.

I already talked it with my boyfriend, letting him know that if and when I get a job we might have to see each other less. He was cool about it, more cooler that I wish he would have been but maybe he needs a break from my crazy needy ass.

I could try to add an extension to my unemployment, but I am so over them. I have had so many issues with them in the beginning of the whole process and I really don’t want to go through all that again, I’d rather get a job. Even if I have to loose sleep.

My internship is over in a couple of months, I have worked two jobs before and they have lasted just as long, so I figure I can do it again, which is why I’m looking for a night job or something.

At this point I’m willing to sell my kidney.

This Is Life

Just when I think life is going great, it likes to remind me that it still has a sense of humor. What would we be with out a little help from life when we feel like we are on cloud nine?

So, in my last post I said how I felt everything was (is) going great in my life right now. I don’t think that I am at my prime, but I am very content with how things are going. Friday though, I got a little reminder that this life is no fairly tale.

I was going to pay my bills when I noticed I didn’t have any money. Yikes, I know. Money, money, money, don’t you just hate it? Without it you can nearly not do anything. It doesn’t buy happiness but it sure does pay the bills, am I right?

Well, turns out they stopped my Unemployment benefits for about a month. I don’t know why, and I don’t even remember getting a notice saying they were going to do so, that’s the government for you.

Anyways I reopened my claim. I have a feeling it was probably something I did or didn’t do. I did get a notice that I didn’t have to be reporting that I was looking for work anymore because I was going to school but I most likely still needed at least one more week of reporting before that took in effect. I hope that’s the case and this gets resolved as fast as it can be. In the end if it doesn’t I’ll just have to look for a part time job.

I am very proud of how I’m handling this situation. The old me would have freaked out, possibly had a minor anxiety attack. How am I going to pay my bills? How am I going to pay for gas to go to school? Social life? All these things did pop up in my head. But this time I sat myself down and thought, this isn’t the end of the world. You don’t have money, you’re not dying. Looking back at my past experiences and seeing how I was so worried and in most cases nothing really happened, I really saved myself the worry this time.

The thing about looking at a problem is not worrying about it, of course, you’re not going to just brush it off your shoulder like it doesn’t mean anything, no. What I mean is that you are going to look past it and find a solution. That’s what I did. I reopened my claim. If that doesn’t work then I’ll get a part time job.

I don’t want to be stuck in a cycle of worry and anxiety. I want to get up, look up, and be strong and move on from whatever problem I face. Because this is life, and there are going to be tons of problems, its how I see them and over come them that makes life great.

Busy Beaver

What a busy Monday.

I haven’t been a little busy beaver in a while. It was a good busy though, not the rip-your-hair-out-make-it-stop type of busy. I had my moments of frustration, yes, and I am currently starving because I have been up and around all day, but aside from that. For breakfast I only ate a sandwich with a turkey patty my mom had cooked in the ungodly morning hours she woke up at. I’ll have to go buy me a burger as a prize for the good boy I have been today. That sentence is all types of wrong.

Anyway, I went to the unemployment office in another city in the morning. The one that is closest to me gave me an appointment for the beginning of September. SEPTEMBER. No. Just no. I need to get things moving. I called the one that was a city over and they said they took walk ins. Perfect.

Funny thing is that I didn’t have everything I needed. But the 45 minute drive was nice. Belting out a good song or 20 while watching the cows on the side of the road is pretty therapeutic. I hope I didn’t scare any.

I had to drive back to town and get the info I needed from home. I also had to print some documents out at the library since I don’t have a printer at home. Soon I was headed back to the unemployment offices and the cows had no other option than see me zoom by.

Everything seemed to be going well, perfect I’d say. But that’s always how it seems. There was a mistake on one of the documents that my school had provided me. So I also had to go back to school and have them change it.

Guess what? They already had. It was no ones fault actually. The information was taken from a government website that both the EDD office and the school use. It was just having a glitch. The person who could fix my paper work had already left for the day, but the people at the school really tried their best to help. Even the vice principal came out of her office and spoke to my career coach.

Did I explain why I needed to do all this? No huh? It’s all ramble and nonsense. Uh, well, so I don’t quality for financial aid from the federal government. But since I am unemployed they have benefits that can pay for my school. And today I almost did the impossible for that to happen, but as they say, Rome wasn’t built in a day. It was built in two. SO, I have the rest of tomorrow to get all this paperwork situated.

I also had to write an essay on why I needed the financial help and how it was going to help me. All this seems boring and trust me it was somewhat, that’s why I needed to get it done. Plus, school starts in two weeks and I need to have everything ready in time.

If I don’t get approved for what ever weird reason, or if the universe decides it would be a nice little joke, I will have a meltdown.

Downhill

Frustration doesn’t even begin to describe how I feel right now.

In my head this whole unemployment, going back to school, and not having a job thing was going to be easy. Or, well, not easy, but not this challenging either.

I don’t know if its just me. But, have you ever woken up from a nap and felt this inner hatred for yourself? What’s that about? I felt that yesterday. It was weird and thank goodness it wore off before I headed over to my girlfriends place.

That feeling came back today though. I didn’t open the door for it. I didn’t invite it in. It just walked through the walls and into my brain.

I have been stressed. Lets be honest. The whole vacation was a nice distraction from everything that is going on in my life.

First, lets start with what happened last night. At my GF’s place we talked about the future. Then she told me that she would like it for me to go to the meetings (church gatherings) at least once in a while. I told her how I felt about it all. She told me that she didn’t want to pressure me into doing anything that I didn’t want to do, she just wanted to let me know how she felt. I appreciate her sincerity.

There is a part of me that wants to go back. Just to see how I will be received. Another part of me wants to go to make her happy, to make my mom happy, but then again that is one of the reasons I left. I don’t like some of their rules, but I ask myself this, do I actually have to follow them if I don’t want to?

I was talking to myself the other day and I told myself that if I ever did decide to go back (because we all know how indecisive I am), that I would not be the person that I used to be. Devoted? We don’t know Him. I have learned that by pleasing others, you will not gain happiness or even approval. Everyone talks. Some of them don’t even know what they are saying, they just talk. Will I go back? Question is pending an answer.

Today I started looking for schools. I don’t want to go to a four year school. I don’t. Its too much time and I don’t have a lot of that. I never liked colleges or universities. So I started to look at trade schools or vocational schools. Everything is expensive no matter what. Weather its a four year or just a trade. Funny how they tell you to go to school and they die saying that education is one of the best things you can reach for, but yet they make it unbelievably expensive.

I went to a tour of one of the schools I was able to schedule today. I want to elaborate on how it went but at the same time I don’t want to sound so pathetic. Half way through the assessment I was taking, I got up and left. Why? I’m still trying to figure that out myself. I was so mad. Mad at what? Let me find a good excuse because I don’t have a reason.

I felt so much pressure in my head, I wanted to scream, I wanted to cry that ugly cry with tears and boogers running down your cheeks and chin. But I didn’t.  I held it in like the big boy that I am supposed to be. I felt an overwhelming rush of emotions though. So many that I didn’t know which one I was supposed to listen to.

Why? Why? Why? I don’t understand why I get like this sometimes and it bugs the shit out of me.

I feel like finding the saddest playlist of music and just crying my eyes our. Is that therapeutic? Better out than in Shrek always says, right?

What I got for unemployment is total trash. I’m trying to find a school that will take me in as soon as I can. At the same time I don’t want to be around anyone. My GF wants me to be in the religion the same as hers. Everything is stressing me out right now. I’m so irritable. I have a trip planned in two weeks that I have been dying to go to this whole summer, and I don’t even think I’ll make it to that. Not to even mention that my mom has another upcoming surgery in September.

I saw this coming. I always do.

You can always see when you’re going down hill. Right now I’m at the very top looking down, and its looking like its pretty steep.

A Better Beginning

A week from today I will be unemployed.

I’m excited. I know someone who’s losing a job usually freaks out, but ever since I knew it was coming I really sat down to think about it.

Maybe I’m in a state of shock? Who knows. I feel fine. I feel good. If my job was a place I would enjoy going to then maybe I’d be more preoccupied in not leaving or getting laid off.

This week my employer notified the unemployment offices about the mass lay off. They came in and had some few presentations that were very helpful.

At the end of the day, with all this new information, and from what I had previously wanted and thought about, I came to a conclusion. Going back to school.

I’ll have an income, thanks to the unemployment. It won’t be much but I’ll manage. And there are many forms of help I can receive for schooling. Not sure what I want to do at the moment, but I do know that this is the time I can do it.

I can’t waste my time sitting at home or jumping right into the next job. This is a great opportunity. That’s why I’m not scared. That’s why I don’t mourn this loss. Because it isn’t one. It’s an ending yes. But an ending that leads to another beginning. A better beginning.

Talking To Myself

I had a long talk with myself the other day. I was in the state of mind where I was lingering, waiting for life to show me the correct way I should be going towards. Usually, with time things come around and you find out what you need to be doing, or changing.

This wasn’t working this time. Time was passing. Days were flying by. Nothing was happening. So I sat. Turned off my music, and I listened to myself for the first time in a long while.

What do I want? Well, I want to be happy. Ever since I have left my ex religion I have a sense of feeling free. I feel liberated. Light. I’m scared to jump, maybe I’ll float away in the clouds. But all in a good way.

How can I be happy? Doing what I want, as long as no one else is harmed of course. I’m not saying setting fire to homes and breaking into banks. I mean going out with friends, having a good time, getting to do things I was once told I couldn’t do, because it would hurt Them, and of course Him.

Who makes you happy? I am the only one that can make myself happy. Sure, I feel happy when I’m surrounded by people I love and want to be with. But happiness has to come from me. If not, I’d be sad and depressed when I’d be left alone, and that’s not what I want either.

Do I want to get back together with my ex? Yes.

Am I bisexual? Pan sexual? Heteroromatic? I have no clue. I know I want to be with my ex. Emotionally, physically, and even if it sounds shallow, yes sexually. Do I still find men attractive? Yes. A friend told me the other day. A straight man, will be straight. Marry a woman. But that does not mean he will not find other woman attractive. That doesn’t mean he’s cheating on his wife either. It just means he’s human.

Can I date my ex, even when she is still in that religion? Yikes. This was a hard one. I thought about this one. But I left it up to her. I told her what follows; They will tell you not to date me. They will tell you I’m under Satans control and that I am a bad influence. If you continue they’ll talk behind your back, they’ll whisper. They won’t trust you. They might even take some church privileges away. If you want to date me, go ahead. But, I don’t go to church, I don’t see them outside of church, I’m never around them. But you are. You’re the one that has to deal with them. And I will not live like them anymore. I have my own rules, my freedom. If that’s what you want, it’s your choice.

She said she didn’t care. The last thing I want to do is hurt her. But I miss her.

What’s next? Unemployment. School. I want to go back and learn something, anything really. I will look at my options and figure something out.

As a side note. Everything’s been settle. I know it’s the calm before the storm but I’m not worried for some reason. I’m ready to take on what ever is next. For now I’m good. Good where I stand.

45 And Counting

Seeing as I am now 45 days close to not having a job, searching for a new one has become a top priority. I am not looking forward to being unemployed and collecting unemployment. Sure I hate my job, that doesn’t mean I want to stay home and work the government. Some of my coworkers are thrilled to do so and can’t wait. That annoys the heck out of me.

I received a call last week for an interview, I went and it actually turned out to go very well. It was for a delivery driving position. Something I have not yet jumped into. The manager who interview me asked if I wanted to tag along with one of the drivers and see if it was a good option for me.

I thought it was a great opportunity. What other job asks you to come in and just basically watch what they do and see if you like it? Not many. The job seemed fairly well, as the manager described it. But this way I would be seeing it and hearing it form the horses mouth.

Today was the day of the ‘ride along’ as he called it. The driver that I shadowed was very friendly but at the same time very straight forward. This is what I needed. I didn’t need someone to sell me the job again and tell me lies. I also didn’t need someone to bash on their own job and make it seem like it was a hell hole. He explained the cons and the pros and paved the way for me to decide what I would do.

The job itself is not bad. It’s honest, and technically, I would be making the same amount of money that I make now. The downfall? I would be driving a lot more. I would be getting up a lot earlier and I would be getting home a lot later as well. For someone who loves to drive, this is hard for me because driving a car is not the same as driving a 20 foot truck, in the middle of the summer , to one of the hottest valleys in the desert. Like I said, I love driving, I believe that this job would make me start to hate it.

Am I upset? No. I know there will be jobs that appear to be great. I may not like them. That’s why I have all this time to decide which job I choose. I want to be 100% sure I want the job I will get. For some reason that feeling wasn’t there for this job.

I have faith though. I will get a nice job that I like. I’m not looking for the pay as much as I’m looking for the environment and feel of it. I want to be happy. That’s my goal for the rest of the year. Doing me, getting happy.

T-Minus — 60 Days

It is official. On July 25th of this year, I will be unemployed.

They finally took us out of the dark last Thursday and gave us all the letters that some were dreading and some where waiting for. There were a lot of rumors going around about what was going on and what would be happening with all the changes made up until the termination date.

There was only one department saved from the mass lay off of the company. Lucky them. Some people in other departments didn’t see that as being fair, but the reason that they are staying is that they are already working in the only place where the company is still make its money, and will continue after the lay off.

We had two options. Willingly say that we want to be in the group to be let go, get a severance pay and also collect unemployment. Or say that we wanted to stay and then wait until they decide if they needed us or not.

For now, I need to work on my resume. I wont be jumping into the first job that I am able to get. (If I can even get a job). I really want to get a job I am at least ok with. I have only had jobs that I have hated and its only done me really wrong. This time I need to be smart and actually get a job that I want and not need. 

I know it can be hard. Getting a job you actually want is very rare. First you have to look for what you want. Then you have to make sure its a good fit for you, a smart choice. You also have to see if you can even qualify for the job, not to mention all the interviews that you have to go through. Those are tough and extremely overwhelming.

In my entire working life I have only had three jobs where I have had to interview for. The first one was really easy. It was for a fast food place. I don’t see how even I could have screwed that up. And I didn’t, so I go that job. At the job that I have now I had help because I was thrown in there by a work agency, but then later when I applied for a position I wanted, I got it. I only did because I knew the supervisor that was interviewing. The other job I interviewed for and got was at a call center. I was recommended, so there was a certain confidence that I carried with me in there which I believe got me that job.

The only thing that sucks about interviews is when you don’t get the job after. But I am getting ahead of myself with that. First I have to find a job that I like, and for that, I have to know what I want. At the moment, I don’t.

W.A.R.N.

I . . . didn’t go to work today. Don’t roll your eyes at me. I know I sound like a broken record. But, this time it wasn’t because of my anxiety or because I literally hate everyone at work. No, this time it was different. There is actual justification. Well, not that anxiety isn’t justification, but you know what I mean, well you don’t, but you will.

My job has yet to let anyone know who will be staying and who will be kicked out do to the downsizing. There was a note posted from headquarters, which if you actually pay attention to, it can give you valuable information. The letter said the basic info that we all already knew. The cut backs, the business move to the east coast and all that other formal stuff. But, it also said when people would be let go.

It said that the “terminations” would take place during July 22nd to August 22nd. Since the law in California states that your employer has to give you a 60 day notice before termination, one can conclude that the WARN letters will be handed out this week, starting the 22nd.

Last week they were asking everyone what they wanted to do. Be put on the list to possibly stay or be put on the list to be laid off. I chose to be laid off. At least I hope I am. Who knows how much longer the company will last even when the downsize happens. Plus this is a great way to get references and recommendations, plus help with my resume. (They said they would provide it , so I hope they do).

Since then, work has gotten slower and slower. I think that its going to be like this until the place comes down. You know its funny, I was telling a friend, (this might sound morbid, so cover your virgin little ears if you don’t want to hear) but, all those times that you wish your job would come down in flames? (Or was it just me?). This is like that. Not literal of course, but in a way its symbolic, at least for me it is.

Anyway, I got sent home early on Friday because of the lack of work. When I was home my boss texted me and asked if I wanted to stay home for Monday since there was still not going to be any work. I’ve never texted anyone faster in my life when I told her that I would love to stay home. Sucks that I have to go back now though.

So, that’s why I didn’t go to work today. I know, very long unnecessary explanation but I felt the need to elaborate a little. I could have just said that my boss asked if I wanted the day off, but then again, there would be no post, would there? *wink*

Severance

Yesterday, along with all my coworkers, we found out that the company we work for is going to downsize more than half of the employees. We are currently staffed at 150 and they’re goal is to get down to 60 by July. That does not include management, which there are 15 and will go down to 3.

They explained that the company moved to the west coast here in California a while ago to supply the demands of customers here. They thought that by having the business closer to them they would profit and all. That did no work out. So they are moving back to the east coast where headquarters is currently at. There will only be one account left here in California, and the 60 people that remain will be supplying that accounts product.

There are so many questions that people have. They are concerned. I feel them. They have families, car payments, houses they just bought. But I am not that worried. I want to leave that place. If you have been reading my blog for a while now, you know how much I hate it there. And looking back at it now it all makes sense. The cut backs, the high demand in production, and the excessive firing for dumb stupid reasons.

There will be a pay out. Only a month’s worth, but still, some people are happy about that. Some people can’t wait to collect unemployment. Others, they actually want to be part of the 60 that stay. Nothing is certain. No one knows how they will be electing the people. No one knows when they will start issuing the WARN letters. Technically after they hand you that letter, 60 days from that day will be your last.

I have not heard anything from the job I interviewed at. I was worried before, but now I know that if it was meant to be it would have been. I know I have to keep trying and trying until something comes up. I do not believe in unemployment. Living off the government is not something I am ok with. I know I hate working, but everything I have I have worked for it, I am not one to get things handed to, I don’t do that.

 

But deep down inside. Some where deep deep in there, there is doubt, there is worry, and I fear when it will rise, because when it does. It’s not going to be pretty.


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