Him & I

Will I ever be happy?

I know that’s a loaded question but it is one I need to ask. I don’t know who I am asking it to. God? The Universe? A special Higher Power? Who knows, but the question still stands.

I love my boyfriend with all my heart, at least that is what I tell myself and him. But, is it actually fact? I am a lover, I am and attention and affection whore, so to speak. I am nice, I am sweet. He is all but the opposite.

Am I even allowed to complain? He opened his doors for me when my own mother kicked me out. He has done everything in his power to make me feel like this is also my home. Then, why isn’t it enough? Why do I a need more?

Why is it that what comes out of his mouth is not what I want him to say? Why is it that his actions are not the ones I want to see. What if the way he thinks is not the way I would like him to.

I know that the perfect couple doesn’t exist, but I know that him and I are not at each others throats like cats and dogs having a blood bath of fights, no. The thing is that I am not happy. In other words (words I did not wish I had to say) he doesn’t make me happy.

But how can I tell him? How can I tell him that I do not like the way he acts? He is who he is right? Why would I tell him to change? To who? To the person in my head I would want him to be? That’s sounds so toxic.

Have I fallen in love with the idea of “Love”. I think I have and I think I am seeing it know.

The thing is, I don’t think he will ever please me emotionally. He can not match my romanticism. He can not match my affection and attention.

What is there to do now?

Get Off My Back

Life is a prankster isn’t It? I feel like It gives you something so then later on It can take it back with pleasure.

I thought this week was going to be one of the most bland weeks of this year to date. I didn’t work all week and my best friend is on vacation. I did not have any plans, but boy, was I wrong! I don’t know where to start. Nevermind I do.

First, my friend. He’s on vacation but he still wanted to keep a line of communication. Sure, that’s cool, I thought. Then he goes off saying that I haven’t been myself for the longest time. OOOOOHHH, don’t even get me started. He mentioned how I have been really distant with him. He even asked if it felt different that he was gone. OK LETS START:

He waits until hes thousands of miles away to bring something like this up? He waits until there’s literally a whole dam country in between us to bring up issues? I just think its so funny, no, actually, its hysterical. Let me tell you why, he only seems to care behind a screen and a keyboard because he would never ask or say anything like that in person.

The reason for me being distant is the fact that I’m not going to sit here and tell him everything that’s going on in my life and what my thoughts and feelings are when he can’t even tell me what you had for breakfast unless I interrogate him like an FBI agent. He had the audacity to ask if anything felt different since he wasn’t in town? UM NO. Everything is exactly the same bro. Nothing has changed. It’s not that we hanged out every other day when he was here, or we spoke at church. What is there to miss? What is there to be different? We are still messaging over the phone, for all I know he could just be chilling in his bedroom and not even be on vacation.

I digress, I told him what I was feeling. I couldn’t hold it in anymore. He knew my feelings were valid and because he hates to be wrong he said he really didn’t want to argue with me and would want to save or salvage the remaining part of out friendship. Ok, nice save smart a**. But this is not over. Its not that I want to fight, but I’m the end of my rope here. I’ll tell you exactly what I feel. I can’t do this high school back and forth thing, its about time he knows how he makes me feel, and if he gets offended or hurt that’s on him. I’m tired of complaining about him, aren’t you tired of hearing about him?

In other news, my ex-girlfriend and her mom texted me. I was surprised when I checked my missed calls and so my ex’s name. I thought it must have been a mistake, surely she didn’t have anything else to say to me after months of not speaking to me. I texted her and she replied saying how she needed to know what I still felt about her. Pulled the scab right off didn’t she? I told her that I would always have feelings for her, and it’s true. She was never the issue. It was her parents. They screwed it up pretty bad. I don’t think I want to get back together with her though… yet.

Her mom texted me as well. She has a weird habit of checking up on me. It’s sickening sweet. She wont go two weeks without asking how I’m doing. (Its regret isn’t?) This time she sent me a photo of my ex’s room. In it, there were the balloons I had gotten my ex with all the stuffed animals I had gotten her throughout our relationship. Her mom captioned the photo saying how her daughter still keeps all those things right next to her bed. She even cracked a joke saying how when she buys helium balloons they don’t last a day without falling to the grown, meanwhile the ones I got her more than half a year ago are still floating in the air.

WHAT is going on? Is the universe trying to pull a joke on me? Life? Its taking away my best friend and trying to replace that spot with my ex’s mom and then trying to get me back with her daughter? I’m confused. I have already been through a falling out with this friend before, I don’t need that to happen again. You either stay or you go. Also, I think it’s too soon to get back with my ex. I like her to death but I’m not ready for all the baggage she brings along with her. What if I want to date someone else? I still don’t know if I like guys or girls more? I don’t even know if I need to look into that. I don’t know who I am and life and the universe are freaking asking me that dumb question “please describe yourself and your hopes and dreams.” I really need them to back the hell up and get off  my back.