Believe in Myself

It has been 2 weeks since I came out to my mom.

I know that what I may be going through could be irrelevant to what is going on right now in the US, but I still need to vent about it.

My boyfriend and I rearranged his room to accommodate both of us. Somehow we made it to a way were there is more space to walk around. We moved the TV as well. Now it doesn’t just feel like his room, it feels more like our room.

Even though it does feel more like our room, it still doesn’t feel like home. I don’t know when it will or if it ever will.

Yesterday we watched Leah Remini’s documentary about Jehovah Witness. It was triggering, yes, but I wanted him to know even just an once of what I went through, or what it was like being one all my life.

I grew up as a JW. So all things I was taught, all the things I was told, they’re engraved in my head and I have to wait on time to erase them.

I’m still getting used to this. This is a big transition for me. Losing my mom, getting kicked out, living somewhere new, living with another person. It all hit me like a bus..

But, threw all this I know I can make it. I just need to believe in myself.

Day by Day

How is everyone doing with the quarantine?

You would think that just being home and being bored would make me want to post on here more often but that is not the case. I have been having a little bit of a writers block, or maybe nothing is going on in my life at the moment.

Since my last post I have started doing school from home as the rest of the country has. It has been really interesting how everything is happening. Its kind of a work in progress.

I have stopped applying to all jobs. Last week I was flooded with emails of places where I had applied to saying that the job that they had posted was being canceled do to what’s going on in the world. So with that I kind of stopped all together, for now I just have to really budget and hope that my credit cards don’t suffer as much in the end. I know I’m not the only one being affected by all this but I didn’t even have a job to begin with.

I feel really unhealthy too, they’ve shut down my gym. I have been eating really bad too so that doesn’t add any good to it. I kind of lost a little bit of hope in everything if I’m being honest. But I take it day by day, and I’m hanging in there, just like everyone else.

This Is My Country Too

I was not born in America. But I was raised American. I am not a citizen of America. But I know more about this country then those who are telling me to go back to ‘mine’. I am from another country, yet I do not know anything about the country that I came from. I know of it, but not the way I know American history.

I have been in this country since I was 2 years old. Was I asked to be brought here? No. Did I have a choice to be here? No. It is not my fault that I am here. Should I pay for that now in my adult life?

I grew up thinking I was the same as everyone else. I grew up thinking I was going to go college and then get a good job and live the american dream, because I myself thought I was American.

Now I see the news and I read the comments and see how people of this country that I grew up loving but not being able to be part of want me to return to a country I have not even known since I was a toddler. I don’t even remember it. This is my home, this is where I grew up, this is where I have all my friends and family. This is my country too.

I wish I could ask them what they think I would be able to do in a country I don’t know anything of. I would like to ask them that if the circumstances were the same with their parents, would they say the same thing?

I’m not saying that what my parents did in bringing me here was a good idea, nor am I saying it was the right thing to do. Obviously it wasn’t the correct way to do it. I know that, I understand that. But why do I have to pay for it? I am a good person, I have not hurt anyone, I’m going to school, I take care of my mother and brother. I obey the laws.

Sure if I was out in the streets running a muck and hurting people, well yeah, go ahead, throw me out, who wants trash in their home?

But is it really only immigrants that are running the streets?

Dreamers are called dreamers because they are dreaming of the day they can be legal and go to school, better their lives, and give this country what this country has given them.

Of course there are people out there that make mistakes, and they should be held accountable by their actions. But, what have I done?

I wanted to talk about this because today in the Supreme court they will discussing DACA. This has helped many children and young adults like me who were brought when they were young to the United States to gain the ability to work and go to school.

I don’t understand why people are freaked out about this. It is not giving just “anyone” status. No, its giving it to that person who you went to school with. That person who tried their best in school fearing that one day they were going to lose their family.

We are not criminals, we are just like you and your children, do we not deserve a good life too?

T-Minus — 60 Days

It is official. On July 25th of this year, I will be unemployed.

They finally took us out of the dark last Thursday and gave us all the letters that some were dreading and some where waiting for. There were a lot of rumors going around about what was going on and what would be happening with all the changes made up until the termination date.

There was only one department saved from the mass lay off of the company. Lucky them. Some people in other departments didn’t see that as being fair, but the reason that they are staying is that they are already working in the only place where the company is still make its money, and will continue after the lay off.

We had two options. Willingly say that we want to be in the group to be let go, get a severance pay and also collect unemployment. Or say that we wanted to stay and then wait until they decide if they needed us or not.

For now, I need to work on my resume. I wont be jumping into the first job that I am able to get. (If I can even get a job). I really want to get a job I am at least ok with. I have only had jobs that I have hated and its only done me really wrong. This time I need to be smart and actually get a job that I want and not need. 

I know it can be hard. Getting a job you actually want is very rare. First you have to look for what you want. Then you have to make sure its a good fit for you, a smart choice. You also have to see if you can even qualify for the job, not to mention all the interviews that you have to go through. Those are tough and extremely overwhelming.

In my entire working life I have only had three jobs where I have had to interview for. The first one was really easy. It was for a fast food place. I don’t see how even I could have screwed that up. And I didn’t, so I go that job. At the job that I have now I had help because I was thrown in there by a work agency, but then later when I applied for a position I wanted, I got it. I only did because I knew the supervisor that was interviewing. The other job I interviewed for and got was at a call center. I was recommended, so there was a certain confidence that I carried with me in there which I believe got me that job.

The only thing that sucks about interviews is when you don’t get the job after. But I am getting ahead of myself with that. First I have to find a job that I like, and for that, I have to know what I want. At the moment, I don’t.

I’ll Do Anything For Money

I feel like I’ve complained enough on here about how much I hate my job. So what’s next?

I was on my way to work today and told my self that’s it, I NEED to look for another job. I know, for any other sane person with a good leveled head, they might have already thought of that idea. Well, guess what? I did too. I tried in the beginning of the year but had no luck.

Maybe I didn’t try hard enough. Or maybe I did and the job market was pretty slow and low. I don’t know, what I do know is that I’m still freaking working at the same place.

Is it that hard to find a job? It might be. I have a friend who used to work at Kmart, they shut down back in December, and he has been looking for a job ever since. Sure he’s picky as heck but still, it’s almost five months, he should have found soemthing.

I don’t think I have a lot of skills or experience. I’m being brutally honest with myself here. But, I do feel I am useful for something, you know what I mean? I’ll do anything for money. Literally, that’s how much I want to leave my job.

No, but jokes aside, I really need to get my crap together and actually work on my resume and my interview answers, to make it seem that I am normal and worthy of working in a social environment with other humans.

I’d really like to be someone’s assistant. I know for some that’s a little humiliating. But for me I’d be down. Well, as long as my boss is not a total A. But beggars can’t be choosers right?

What I was thinking though. I might take the summer off. Quit my job in early summer and look for a job but also enjoy the summer. Maybe my YouTube channel will take off and I’ll be famous? I’m such a millennial, ugh I hate it.

It’s time to take action. It’s time to move. And it’s time to go places.


Watch my latest YouTube video

Attempt To Leave My Current Job

Today, in a lame attempt to leave my current job, I had an interview at a UPS store were one of my friends works at. It was an interesting interview I’d say.

It went as usual. The usual questions were asked. A great convo was had between the manager of the store and I. Everything in the interview would give off the impression as if everything was perfect. But I have concerns.

First off, the pay is minimum wage. Here in California (USA) , that’s eleven American dollars. I would receive a major pay cut. Where I work at now I get paid pretty well.

Second, is work less hours. Although I don’t actually mind that, take in mind I’d be paid less, so then also working less hours, I would have a non existent paycheck by the end of the pay period.

Third, I’d have to work Saturdays. There’s something about having the weekend off that I just love. I used to work at McDonald’s and I never knew what that was like. I enjoy my weekends. Even though I don’t have a life, I still wish to have no life with weekends off.

The job is not right for me. But, I’m very optimistic that pretty soon, something will come along. And if not, then it’s a new adventure I’m willing to embark.

Ghosts Of Halloween Past

Thousands or more like millions of children are going door to door tonight in search of the best candies they can find. Teens across America are going to parties their parents aren’t aware of. Girls dress up in provocative costumes not wanting men to undress them with their eyes. Men go around undressing slutty woman with their eyes.

This used to be my favorite holiday. It was actually the only holiday that I cared about celebrating. Not even Christmas came close. But halloween stood out like a sore thumb all year long. What’s there not to love? Candy, scary movies, cold weather in some weird association, and dressing up and seeing everyone’s creativity.

Growing up I craved being able to celebrate it. It wasn’t until I was 20 years old that I actually finally celebrated Halloween. I was a good Christian boy, but then I walked over to the dark side. Pun intended.

I was Peter Pan. And honestly, it was one of the best nights I’ve had. I felt like a kid again. Pun game strong today. The year after that I didn’t dress up but I did go to a party. I had fun but wasn’t that exciting. Two years ago I didn’t do anything at all because I was in a huge hole of depression. Last year, I took a shift on my day off to work on Halloween because I didn’t want to be sad that I didn’t have plans.

What am I doing this Halloween? Sitting at home writing this post. Even though I want to be out there, doing stuff, partying, and just getting crazy. But even though I tell myself if you aren’t happy then change yourself. But the thing is that I am happy. I’ve changed, and it’s ok, I miss things but it doesn’t make me miserable.

Just another Halloween.

DACA

Even though I’m having fun and enjoying life (reuniting with friends and going to Sequoia) I can’t help but have this feeling at the bottom of my stomach. And no it’s not because of the low amount of sleep I’ve been getting. It’s the fear of losing everything.

I know many people worry about losing their jobs, their family, and maybe even their life. But what if you had to lose all of that by a decision made by another person? A person who didn’t even know what you were going through? Or all the good that you have done?

On September 5th The president of the United States will give a final decision on DACA. (Differed action for Childhood Arrivals). This was an executive order given by Obama when he was president. The purpose? In the simplest of terms, it gives protection to young adult immigrants from deportation since they were brought to America when they were young and had no say.

Some of these people have no recollection of even being any where else. They were brought her to this country as children even babies and had no choice. So why would they be at fault to be thrown out of the country? A country that they have made their own. This is their home. They don’t know anywhere else.

Just imagine for a second that it was you? Imagine you grew up in this marvelous country but yet have no legal status? It wasn’t your fault? At the age of one year and a half did you agree to come here? What papers did you sign? None, because you were brought her against your will by your parents. Well, basically you didn’t have a will because you didn’t even know there were borders.

Thanks to this program thousands of young dreamers have benefited from having legal status. They went to school, got jobs, and have been contributing to the economy. If they were cut from this privilege what would happen to the economy?

I have benefited from this great program for four years now. When I heard Trump was going to remove it when he was campaigning last year that was sorta of my down fall. How will I take care of my mom? How will I pay for her breast cancer treatments? How will I put food in the fridge for my younger brother who is still in high school and is a citizen of this country? Will we get separated just because we were born in different countries? How would you feel if they took your sister or brother away from you thousands of miles away just because they weren’t born in the same place as you? What about the bills? Rent? What if I get thrown out of this country to one where yes, I was born in, but know nothing of? And my mother and brother? Who will fend for them?

I hope and pray that President Trump does not end this program. That he leaves it as is or makes it better. There are people that have much more dependents than I do. They need their jobs. And it would just be a shame to through four years of progress down the drain.

More information:

Boston Globe

CBS News

USA Today

CNN

Fun Friday

Dear Journal,

          Today was actually looking like it was going to be a good day. Yes, I was almost late to work but I think I have made that a habit. There was a car crash near, well actually right on the corner of work, that made me a little later than I usually am. Once I was inside and we were all hearing the numbers of the work day, we started Fun Friday. Fun Friday is basically a raffle that the company does every Friday if you wear what that that Fun Friday theme is. Fro example, crazy hair day, or mismatch shoes, etc. If you participate you get a ticket. If you win then you receive two movie tickets.

          I had lucky number thirteen at the end of my numbers on my raffle ticket. (There was no theme this week so they just gave a ticket to everyone). There was a split second where I didn’t believe it. Me? Win something? I had to recheck the numbers to see if I was correct, and yes I was! I raised my hand before they would move on and pick a different number. So there, I won movie tickets. It’s the second time I win, granted it has been about seven months though.

          Just when I was on my high, you know being Friday and actually winning at something, I was called to the office because HR had an envelope for me. When I revived it the person who handed it to me said just to bring back the information needed. I was too nervous to open it there so i opened it in the break room. Thank God there was none in there, because what I think was a gasp might have sounded like my soul was leaving my body. I somehow knew what was in the envelope. Nothing good, its always nothing good.

          It stated that I had until June eleventh to turn in a document that states that I am in this country legally. I’ve been in this country since I was less than a year old, I have no recognition of being in any other country. America is all I know. And excuse me, but I probably act more American than most Americans. Yet all my life I have struggled with this legal and illegal stuff. Of course, all I have to do is renew my work permit, which I did. Now I’m just waiting for. Hopefully it comes in time.

          I don’t  really know why this letter got me down so much. I was suddenly thinking how no one else has to go through this. It’s sometimes embarrassing when they run my Social and ask if everything is good and i have to pull out my work permit so they don’t think I’m some kind of criminal. On the other hand, I should be thankful. Which i am to a curtain point. A lot of people really don’t have any other options but I at least have this one, yet I think what will happen when it all ends and I wont be able to renew anything? I can go back to a country that, sadly I was born in but yet know nothing about. That’s the way life is right? Unfair? Injustice? Illogical? Just like our government.

          Anyhow, in the back of my mind I can’t stop thinking about tomorrows party. I know, me go to a party? Well, I just might. I was invited to a party. Some girl from our church that lives literally twenty feet from us. If it was any other person then of course my answer would have been yes, and I would have not shown up. But she happens to live right in front of us so there is no way out of this one. I mean I could just die, but I don’t see how that would solve anything, or would? My brain has been debating all day if I should go or not. I have no clue what I will do.

          So has today turned out to be a Fun Friday?  Initially yes, ultimately no.

 

4/28/2017