June

It is June already can you believe it? I swear just a couple of weeks ago we were complaining about how long January was. I feel as if we went from the start of the year right to the middle. What even happened in the middle? At least for me that’s how it feel. Life is passing by like a bullet.

June. June is a big month for me. Not only because it is in fact my birth month, but it is also the start of summer. Technically, it doesn’t start until the end of the summer, but here in Cali it officially starts at the beginning. Just yesterday the weather almost reached the 90’s. Not to mention that it’s the middle of the year as well. I don’t usually know how to feel about the middle of the year every year. Depends on how my year is going or if there is anything I am looking forward to the rest of the year.

What do I expect from June this year? Answers. I really want answers. If June will not give them to me I am in a position, or a state of mind, where, I’ll take them.

I have all these up coming events for the summer and I do not know what I will be doing. I can’t even start deciding because there are so many little factors that play in. So, that’s why I have to wait until June is done with and I have answers I need.

I have two road trips in the works for the month of August. I really want to go to both. One is for Utah and the other is for Idaho. I love road trips and I’m going to go out on a limb here and say that I need these road trips. I want them. I don’t know if I’ll have enough money to go. Or maybe I’ll just wing it and see what happens. Life is short. What if I do get a job? Then what?

Things with my best friend haven’t really been the on best of terms. And to be completely brutally honest, I really don’t care about him. If he would just decide to stop speaking to me and end the friendship I wouldn’t even flinch. I’m at a point in my life where I don’t need this high school drama. You want to be friends? You have an issue with me? Don’t text me, say it straight to my face.

So June, what do you have in store for me this year?

Get Off My Back

Life is a prankster isn’t It? I feel like It gives you something so then later on It can take it back with pleasure.

I thought this week was going to be one of the most bland weeks of this year to date. I didn’t work all week and my best friend is on vacation. I did not have any plans, but boy, was I wrong! I don’t know where to start. Nevermind I do.

First, my friend. He’s on vacation but he still wanted to keep a line of communication. Sure, that’s cool, I thought. Then he goes off saying that I haven’t been myself for the longest time. OOOOOHHH, don’t even get me started. He mentioned how I have been really distant with him. He even asked if it felt different that he was gone. OK LETS START:

He waits until hes thousands of miles away to bring something like this up? He waits until there’s literally a whole dam country in between us to bring up issues? I just think its so funny, no, actually, its hysterical. Let me tell you why, he only seems to care behind a screen and a keyboard because he would never ask or say anything like that in person.

The reason for me being distant is the fact that I’m not going to sit here and tell him everything that’s going on in my life and what my thoughts and feelings are when he can’t even tell me what you had for breakfast unless I interrogate him like an FBI agent. He had the audacity to ask if anything felt different since he wasn’t in town? UM NO. Everything is exactly the same bro. Nothing has changed. It’s not that we hanged out every other day when he was here, or we spoke at church. What is there to miss? What is there to be different? We are still messaging over the phone, for all I know he could just be chilling in his bedroom and not even be on vacation.

I digress, I told him what I was feeling. I couldn’t hold it in anymore. He knew my feelings were valid and because he hates to be wrong he said he really didn’t want to argue with me and would want to save or salvage the remaining part of out friendship. Ok, nice save smart a**. But this is not over. Its not that I want to fight, but I’m the end of my rope here. I’ll tell you exactly what I feel. I can’t do this high school back and forth thing, its about time he knows how he makes me feel, and if he gets offended or hurt that’s on him. I’m tired of complaining about him, aren’t you tired of hearing about him?

In other news, my ex-girlfriend and her mom texted me. I was surprised when I checked my missed calls and so my ex’s name. I thought it must have been a mistake, surely she didn’t have anything else to say to me after months of not speaking to me. I texted her and she replied saying how she needed to know what I still felt about her. Pulled the scab right off didn’t she? I told her that I would always have feelings for her, and it’s true. She was never the issue. It was her parents. They screwed it up pretty bad. I don’t think I want to get back together with her though… yet.

Her mom texted me as well. She has a weird habit of checking up on me. It’s sickening sweet. She wont go two weeks without asking how I’m doing. (Its regret isn’t?) This time she sent me a photo of my ex’s room. In it, there were the balloons I had gotten my ex with all the stuffed animals I had gotten her throughout our relationship. Her mom captioned the photo saying how her daughter still keeps all those things right next to her bed. She even cracked a joke saying how when she buys helium balloons they don’t last a day without falling to the grown, meanwhile the ones I got her more than half a year ago are still floating in the air.

WHAT is going on? Is the universe trying to pull a joke on me? Life? Its taking away my best friend and trying to replace that spot with my ex’s mom and then trying to get me back with her daughter? I’m confused. I have already been through a falling out with this friend before, I don’t need that to happen again. You either stay or you go. Also, I think it’s too soon to get back with my ex. I like her to death but I’m not ready for all the baggage she brings along with her. What if I want to date someone else? I still don’t know if I like guys or girls more? I don’t even know if I need to look into that. I don’t know who I am and life and the universe are freaking asking me that dumb question “please describe yourself and your hopes and dreams.” I really need them to back the hell up and get off  my back.

Insignificant Week

Last year during this exact weekend I was on a road trip with two of my good friends. Sadly I had a falling out with one of them. We tried to fix our issues and we did, but that still doesn’t make us the best of friends, we’re still very much distant. It is nice remembering those times. I love road trips. I haven’t been on one in a while and it makes me feel trapped.

If you live in America (USA) you know that today is Memorial day. Since it is a national holiday here most people have the day off. Which is great. I did too. Since I will be out of a job in a couple of months I decided to take my vacation now. I had acquired four days and I decided to put them in this week to complete a full week off.

There hasn’t been much work at my job lately. I was off for two days last week because of that. So I thought I might as well put in a full week and get paid for it. Our boss told us that it is only going to get slower. For me, I don’t mind it. As long as I get at least four hours of work a day that’s fine. It’s like a part time job.

The issue is that I have nothing to do. I already finished what I was binge watching on Netflix. I did start watching this show called The Society. I’ts honestly really good. It’s about these school kids that go on a field trip or something far away, the night falls and the driver says that they have to go back home because the roads are closed, when they get back, there are no parents, there are no adults, there’s no one. Just them. They try to leave but the roads that lead out of town are now blocked by woods that seemed to have been there forever but weren’t there yesterday. I recommend it.

Also, my best friend is in Cancun these whole week. One of the church elders had invited him last summer. He saved up and I’m pretty sure whatever he wasn’t able to pay for his parents chipped in like they always do. I can’t say that I feel any different about it though. It’s like he’s not even gone. I only see him at church, and when I say see him, that’s exactly what I mean. It’s been weird between us for a while now, not sure what to make of that.

So, there really isn’t much for me to do this week but just chill. The weather is going to be one of the best so far this year. It’s like its mocking me. Maybe I’ll go out and do something for myself. I don’t usually go out alone, but maybe I’ll try it. Mmm no, I know I wont. So, Netflix here I come.

High

This past Monday I went to Six Flags Magic Mountain. For all you oldies or people that only read books, it’s an amusement park with extreme rides. I had a blast and I really enjoyed my time there. You think that time would fly by but it actually didn’t. It dragged on and it felt great. I actually never felt that way. And if I had, it has been a real long since i can’t remember.

I thought it was going to be packed and the lines were going to be long but it was the total opposite. The most we waited was 25 minutes and that was only because it was the last ride of the day and everyone was getting on it.

I went with my best friend. Yes, best friend. I consider him my best best friend now. We have been getting real close lately. I have been more open with him and so has he. Told him I’m gay? No. I don’t think we are there yet. I don’t think we will ever get there. But he never asks so maybe he knows already? Wouldn’t that be swell.

When I came back to real life on Tuesday I had vacation sickness . Like you know when you are away from home and you miss home, so you’re homesick. So I came back from a mini day-cation. So I was day-cationsick. Which sucked because I really just wanted to be happy but coming back it’s like uuuuhhhhg you know?

But it’s been slowly fading. I’m just now coming back down from the high of excitement I was on. That’s the thing with me. I can be so high and then come crashing down all at once or stay up there for the longest time so then when I do come down it’s just terrible.

In other news I might quit my call center job. It has me stressed. Although I have been liking the expensive life, that might need to stop though.

Anyway that’s that.

Calm

Relax.

Breathe in and out. Feel the sand run through your toes. Feel the rays of the sun jump on your skin and gracefully caress your face. You hear the waves of the ocean splash against the shore. People laughing. Kids playing in the sand. And it’s calm. It’s all calm.

You remember what it’s like being a kid. You remember how you father helped you get up when you first fell off your bike. You remember your mom teaching you how to tie your shoes. You remember how much fun you had in school. How you couldn’t wait to go back. You remember how you never fought with your friends. And when you did, did you remember the next day? No.

You suddenly feel that feeling you felt when you were young on Sunday mornings. Waiting for a bright future. You remember those waffles that only your mom knew how to make. How your dad loved football and always had snacks on Sundays. You remember feeling warm every Christmas Eve. And you couldn’t wait for New Years to come around to finally stay up past your bed time.

The candy’s on halloween and valentines. Your first crush. Your first love. You breathe in and smell that first day of school smell. That first car you bought with your own money.

Everything is calm.

You run your hands through the oceans sands and remember how it felt to always have your blanket. How it protected you from the monsters and the ghouls. How it felt hugging your dad when he came home. How it felt holding your first loves hand. In the winter it was cold, and in the summer you would just high five.

You open your eyes. The ocean is blue and the sky is a piercing orange. The end of another day. Just to be soon the beginning of another. The water waves at you. You wave back, and everything is calm.


Yesterday I went to the beach. It was a small day-cation. I really needed it. And I had the time of my life.