Birthday Blues

Yesterday was my 26th Birthday. Naturally I woke up crying, as the emotionally out of control person that I am, and honestly it felt good.

I didn’t think the day would be any good if I am honest. And even though nothing really surprising happened it went well for a COVID Birthday. Is that a thing? I guess it will be this year.

I arrived at work very melodramatic, it didn’t help that the sky was an awful gray. Usually I like days like that but not when I’m feeling sentimental. My boss had decorated my office space by making a mess with blue party strings all over the place. I have to admit this won my heart over in one second. I really was not expecting anything what so ever from them. I mean they like me but I didn’t think they would go out of their way to do that, which was nice. They got me cake and also bought me lunch for the day, oh and a gift card as well.

Since I didn’t actually do anything on the actual day (party wise) I decided to reminisce and look back at past years and what I have done. Technically out of the 26 years I have been alive I have only celebrated 2 years, not counting yesterday. It’s kind of sad but on the other hand, I have a lot of celebration to make up for.

My friends were more than sweet wishing me great things that I wish would happen not only to me but to the rest of the world. My boyfriend got me some roses and a corgi stuffed animal since he knows I am obsessed with them, along with a lot of chocolates.

It was a cute day, and it did make me feel a little better. Actually it made me feel great, I wonder if that’s good or if I need to work on my ego. I wouldn’t say ego though, It’s more of the attention of love and acceptance. I don’t know that’s for another post.

Anyways I had a good time doing nothing and just being alive and looking back at good memories. It sucks that my friends and I couldn’t all get together and do something but there is always next year.

Now, I can’t wait until this weekend when I go to the beach. It may not be the same as past years, but I’ll be there with my boyfriend and I know it will be fun.

Some Good News

This Monday I received a call from my (old) internship. I didn’t answer the first time because I’m scared of phone calls like a cat is scared of a cucumber, but I got in touch with them a little later and they offered me a part time job.

This was some good news, I mean after everything that is going on it’s nice to have something good happen for once right?

Although, I did think about it. It wasn’t and instant yes! Take me now! no, it was more of a well, sure if you guys are busy type of deal. The thing is that the Job (feels weird calling it that now) is about 40 minutes away. Its a drive, but on the bright side there is no traffic at all, never has been and now that many people are at home I doubt there will even be cars on the road but we will see, I don’t want to jinx myself.

Anyways, that was one factor, the drive. Then I started thinking about the pay, would I get paid well? Not sure, not even now that I accepted the job. They told me to think of a number and then we would talk about it when I go in for orientation. I have been researching what the average pay is for what I will be doing, then it will be determined by them if they accept that number or not.

It’s part time for now, only two days out of the week. I still have school the other three so I can’t work those days until I graduate in the beginning of June.

What else was I going to do? Looking for a job right now is kind of hard, specially with my schedule. Maybe this could turn into a full time job, or maybe it’s a stepping stone to the next chapter of my life, where ever that may be.

But I am very grateful that they thought of me and that they even considered hiring me for a part time job. I feel really good about myself, and I love the fact that they really enjoyed having me when I was with them for my internship, even if the internship was very short lived.

Broke to Immensely in Debt

The unemployment system sucks ass.

First off, the pay sucks, second if you have any concerns or questions about your case or what ever it is you are trying to solve don’t even bother calling because all you will get is an answering machine, there is literally no option to speak to a real breathing person. Not to mention their only window to call is 8 am to 12 pm.

This is has been my life for the past couple of weeks. My unemployment is all gone, used up. So I have gone from being broke to immensely in debt. My credit cards are slowly going to start maxing out, and then I’ll start freaking out.

I have been applying to jobs for weeks now, I’m starting to think that my resume is not one of the best, even though my teacher helped me on it.

What I’m looking for is a part time job. I have school, I have my internship, and then I want to spend time with my boyfriend. Yet, I can’t get a job. I lost count of all the places I have applied to, its ridiculous.

I have thought of going to a work agency, but I have stopped myself because of my availability. They would have to find some where really special for me.

I already talked it with my boyfriend, letting him know that if and when I get a job we might have to see each other less. He was cool about it, more cooler that I wish he would have been but maybe he needs a break from my crazy needy ass.

I could try to add an extension to my unemployment, but I am so over them. I have had so many issues with them in the beginning of the whole process and I really don’t want to go through all that again, I’d rather get a job. Even if I have to loose sleep.

My internship is over in a couple of months, I have worked two jobs before and they have lasted just as long, so I figure I can do it again, which is why I’m looking for a night job or something.

At this point I’m willing to sell my kidney.

Another Surgery, Another Interview

I had a really long day the other day, Friday.

My mom had yet another surgery, and I had another job interview. There was also no food in the fridge so we needed that as well. For the most part my morning was super hectic.

These surgeries are getting to feel numb to me. When my mom tells me she has another one in a couple of weeks I already know the routine.

She wont eat 12 hours ahead, we wake up at the peak of dawn, drive to the hospital, register in, go upstairs, then register me as the “driver”, sit and wait to be called in, get called and she changes into a gown, wait a little more and then go into yet another room where the surgeons talk and the anesthesiologist lets my mom know she is in safe hands, she then gets a really small dose of the anesthesia, and then bam, shes rolled away to the OR and in surgery and I’m left waiting until they call me.

To some these seem like a lot, but to me its just a simple doctor visit. I wish it didn’t sound as cruel as it sounded but even for my mom its become a part of life, as if its a thing everyone goes through. She wasn’t even nervous this time around, she was a boss, she walked with confidence and was eager to just be done with it.

This feeling of “insensitivity” (which is not even an accurate definition of the feeling) doesn’t make the experience any less sucky. We still hate that she has to go through all of this, granted she is cancer free now and has been for 3 years, but the after math this thing causes is so bad. The good part is that its over for now and shes back home happily sleeping and dreaming in drug land with unicorns and talking butterflies.

Meanwhile, I had to go to an interview. I left the hospital as soon as they took her in and went grocery shopping. This isn’t the first time I leave when shes under surgery. My thought is sure I can stay but what is that going to do? Am I going to help the Surgeons? Plus, I need to keep my brain busy or else it wonders and then I can’t find it.

I bought the groceries we needed and headed home to put them away and change to go to my interview. I wasn’t nervous and I wasn’t excited, I was rushing with everything that I didn’t even have time to feel. It was the only slot they had and it was unfortunately around the same time that my mom was in surgery.

Now, lets talk about the interview. They really don’t scare me. You either like me or you don’t, period. Yes, I’m going to talk good about myself and sell you the best person that you can possible hire, but I’m not going to sell myself out either.

The position that they posted said “customer service” and the description had something to do with being the middle man between the company and the clients. I thought I was going to get a desk and a phone. But no, the lady who interviewed me and another girl (I guess they decided to do a two for one special) told us that we would be placed in stores and walk around and ask people if they want solar panels. WTF. THEN PUT THAT IN YOUR FUCKING DESCRIPTION LADY.

Before entering the interview, me and the other person getting interviewed started talking in the waiting room. She said how she can’t stand jobs that post that they are customer service jobs but its actually marketing. That you have to go out door to door and sell things, or make cold calls. She didn’t want that, I don’t either, boy were we in for a surprise.

Once I picked up my mom and came home, I received a call from the secretary of the company that said that the interviewer really liked me and would like me to return for a one on one interview for the next step. I politely declined.

I don’t know if this makes sense but I’ll say it anyways, on some days I am a people person and on others I don’t even want to talk to the voices in my head. So no, I could not take the job.

So there’s that. I am not upset and I don’t think I am sad, I just feel blah. Like ugh what can I do? That’s just life. I almost ate my feelings by going to Starbucks and ordering something super sweet and unhealthy, but I didn’t.

Because I remembered, I don’t have a job, and I don’t have any money.

First World Basic Bitch

This is my third week on my internship and I have realized that I have yet to write about it. Maybe because I think that it’s really not that interesting. All I am doing for now is translate manuals and company brochures. At first I didn’t know if it was racism, because I am Spanish speaking, but now I’m kind of over it.

They could have me doing other things I suppose, since I am going to school to be an office professional not a translate, but that’s neither here or there.intership_dog I only go two times a week and its only for seven hours. Its super easy so that’s mainly why I don’t really complain…

The thing is that it does get really repetitive. At the same time I tell my self that they’re feeling me out to see what I can do? I don’t know. Sometimes I don’t want to go since its 40 mins away and I don’t have a job to pay for gas, but its one of those things where you have to just struggle through it and take it until the end. If I don’t then all this time will have been wasted. Plus I think that I only need about 3 or 4 months of this left so its not that bad, and the people that work there are really nice.

I guess I’m just being a first world basic complaining bitch.

Everything Is Moving Along, Fast

Life is rolling on fast, January is almost over, the year is already flying by.

I start my internship this upcoming Tuesday. (Yes, I got it). I am excited. I will be interning for a non-profit organization that helps people with autism find jobs and teach them how to work with others.

I’ve always wondered what it was like to work for a non-profit organization. Now I have this opportunity to learn and get experience from all these wonderful humans.

I will working in the marketing and resource department, and once in a while help out payroll and Human Resources. I’m in the administrative clerical field so basically anything related to office work is what I will be doing.

I can’t wait to start, although the drive is a little long and I’m not getting paid for any of this, the experience should be more than enough. I also think I was placed there for a reason. I’m ready to learn as much as I can, not just for work, but about life and people.

Pretty soon I will have my certificate of completion and I will be working. Life is moving extremely fast and I am just noticing this as I am typing. Originally I just wanted to talk about my internship, but now as I think about it, everything is moving along, fast.

Cherish every moment.

Leave Your Phone Alone

Phones.

Some people really do have them glued onto their hands don’t they? It’s not bad to always have your phone with you. I know that now in the time that we live in we are all dependent on our phones. It being because we need to keep in touch with a loved one or for work reasons, the phone has become a major part of …our body.

But when is too far, too far? I usually have my phone with me at all times. I wont leave my home with out it. I even take it into the bathroom and listen to music while I shower. The phone has so many uses, from giving you directions to lighting up a dark room, the phone has become something that we need every single day. But just because I have my phone with me all the time does not mean that I am on it constantly. Its just at my side for when I need to use it.

Some people just don’t know how to put it down. They will be checking it every ten minutes. They will go on social media, people who use it for work will work on their phone even when their home away from their office or while they are on vacation.

The thing that bugs me the most is when you are eating with someone and all they do is check their phone every so often. Or they check it when they are bored, I guess you’re not entertaining enough then? You might as well be eating alone in that case. Do you grab your phone so you wont look weird next to the person you are with? Or do you just sit there and wait until they see how rude they are being?

I don’t mind if you have to occasionally text someone or you get a call. Just let me know you have to reply to someone. When you are talking to someone and they grab their phone and start texting or change their face expressions while staring at the screen, you already know that you have lost their attention. Not to mention its so disrespectful and just flat out rude.

I guess what I am trying to say is if you’re with someone, leave your phone alone. Put your phone down once in a while. I’m not saying leave with out it or lock it in the safety box, no. Put it down, look at where you are and what you are doing. Are you with some one you care about or that they care about you? Then maybe you should pay them the attention and not some robotic device.

Back To The Grind

I’m back home. *cries*

I spent almost two weeks at my boyfriends house for Christmas and New Years. I have to say it was a great vacation, and just like mostly everyone, now its back to the real life.

Coming back home I thought things would feel different. Usually when I am gone for so long things seem to feel off or not just right when I come back, sometimes old things just feel new. But its as if I was only gone for a day. I’m not really sure if that’s just how time flies by now or if I really didn’t miss being home.

Tomorrow I go back to school and on Wednesday I have my first internship interview. I was emailed on my winter break by my teacher notifying me to be ready. The interview is at a nonprofit organization in the next town over. I would have preferred it to be closer since I wont be getting paid for it but I have to remember that I need to do this for the experience.

I have been sick with a fever and some body aches since last Thursday, which has not been fun, and I’m really hopping it all goes away by the time I have my interview. Today I just woke up with a sore throat.

I have to unpack all my things, take a warm shower, buy medicine, and then go shop for some ‘business attire’ since I have to dress Gucci now. (Hello more debt).

Unpacking is so sad. Like, you come back home from having a good time and realize the party is over. The good times are all finished and it all just seems like a dream. Like you woke up and you have to try your best not to forget the small details and all the good moments that happened. Ugh its all so sad. But we can’t dwell on it.

That’s just life isn’t it? Well, back to the grind.

Relationship Plans

If you haven’t seen it yet you will, “new year new me” or even the “new decade new me” that’s going around on social media right now.

To be honest I’ve always hated that. Yes, if you’re going to better yourself go ahead but don’t blame the year that you didn’t achieve your goals, blame your bad decision making skills and don’t feel bad about it, we’re all human and we all make mistakes. It’s part of life and it’s part of growing. Just be sure to learn from them and don’t repeat them.

With that being said, me and my boyfriend talked about where we want our relationship to go this year. Our goals and our plans.

One of our similar goals is moving in together by at least the end of the year. I know that’s a big step and I have only dated him for a short time but when you know you know right? And it’s a plan for the end of the year not next Tuesday.

One of his goals is to pay off some things he needs to pay off. Not a big deal, and I truly wish him the best in bettering himself and fixing what he needs to fix.

One of my goals is coming out to my family. I know, it’s a big one. But I can’t just move in with him without telling my mom. I mean I can, but what am I going to say? I’m moving in with a friend? No, I just don’t want to do that.

We also talked about marriage. It’s a huge step to be talking about in a new relationship like ours but if you don’t talk about it where is your relationship going? Are you dating just for fun? Or where do you want It to go?

I wouldn’t mind getting married to him, that’s actually what I want. I really love this guy and he’s been good to me so far, he makes me really happy and he says I do as well. So if marriage is on the table then I guess we’ll be eating.

We talked about other things, where we would live, how we would live, working, and a lot of other stuff. It was honestly really cute and it gave me a sense of security, this guy really loves me, and it seems like he wants to spend the rest of his life with me, isn’t that sweet?

Maybe I’m just a hopeless romantic (which I am) but this is going really great, and I really hope it stays that way.

A Better Beginning

A week from today I will be unemployed.

I’m excited. I know someone who’s losing a job usually freaks out, but ever since I knew it was coming I really sat down to think about it.

Maybe I’m in a state of shock? Who knows. I feel fine. I feel good. If my job was a place I would enjoy going to then maybe I’d be more preoccupied in not leaving or getting laid off.

This week my employer notified the unemployment offices about the mass lay off. They came in and had some few presentations that were very helpful.

At the end of the day, with all this new information, and from what I had previously wanted and thought about, I came to a conclusion. Going back to school.

I’ll have an income, thanks to the unemployment. It won’t be much but I’ll manage. And there are many forms of help I can receive for schooling. Not sure what I want to do at the moment, but I do know that this is the time I can do it.

I can’t waste my time sitting at home or jumping right into the next job. This is a great opportunity. That’s why I’m not scared. That’s why I don’t mourn this loss. Because it isn’t one. It’s an ending yes. But an ending that leads to another beginning. A better beginning.