I Love Food

I feel fat.

I know that it is the least of everyone’s worries right now, but that’s just how I feel, and if I’m honest I think I’m ok with it for now. I might have gained some weight ever since I moved in with my Boyfriend, not that I’m blaming him. I know for a fact that I gained weight during quarantine.

Is it my fault though? No. I didn’t close the gyms, I didn’t make it illegal to go to the park. Its just very frustrating. And I don’t want to sound like those hill billies that want the state to reopen, but I feel like I already do, ugh.

It’s so hard to stay in shape with no motivation though. Or just being at home in general. I just want to eat all the time. I feel like there is a deeper reason behind all my binge eating. I mean I have been going through a lot these couple of weeks so that’s understandable.

This morning when I was getting dressed for work I noticed that my pants didn’t even button anymore. And that’s after I sucked in all the fat that I could, still nada. I had to use a hair tie to extend the button so my pants would be able to close. Sounds funny and sad at the same time if you ask me. (LOL).

For a moment I felt really sad, well not sad, more like pathetic?. Like how could I let myself go like that? I don’t think I have ever been this big before, all my clothes are super tight on me, its not cute. I haven’t even weighed myself, I don’t want to bring that sorrow onto me right now.

I got out of feeling sorry for myself by telling myself, what ever, I’ll workout and eat better when the gyms are open. I’m not really sure if that’s a healthy way of thinking but that’s the way my mind rolled into acceptance this morning. I love food, what can you do?

I think I will have to start a game plan. I read that losing weight is 20% exercise and 80% eating healthy. The odds are not in my favor. I think I’m getting old too, I remember it was not this hard to keep a steady weight. I lost a remarkable amount of weight one summer, I looked really good too if I’m honest. But I was at the ripe age of 22. Now I have to really try harder.

But, I guess, until then I will just have to wing it. I can’t afford to stress about one more thing, I have enough things on my plate (pun intended) to worry about.

Stay Healthy.

You would think that by being at home I would be able to write more, but it seems by brain has been drain from so many Netflix watching and junk food eating that I lost track of time when there time didn’t exist.

I’ve been doing all my school work from home it really reminds me of my home schooled days back in High school. I was home schooled all of high school and it wasn’t that bad. Now it feels the same because out teacher just gives us assignments and we basically have to teach it to ourselves. It’s not that bad though.

I weighed myself the other day, I have gained about 10 or so Quarantine wight. Not sure if that is a thing but it should be. It has almost been two months that I have not actually gone anywhere but the store for groceries. I really can’t wait until things go back to normal.

I don’t want to party, and I don’t want to go to clubs as all the memes on Instagram are saying. I just want to hang out with my boyfriend, go to the movies, go out and eat, go hiking. All the cute things that we used to do before this mess.

This week I started getting up early and going for a walk. It is a walk right now but I may want to switch it up into a job later on, when my body gets used to it a little more. It feels nice, and I thought it was going to be hard waking up early and getting in the routine but it hasn’t which is a good thing. I also started to eat way healthier than I was back in April.

I don’t know about you but we are still in lock down and we have about two more weeks to go, unless they decide to extend it again. I don’t think they will but even when they do open I know there will be a lot of restrictions. Which to me is a good thing, I don’t want there to be another phase of this thing.

I hope everyone is doing well and being safe, stay healthy.

Day by Day

How is everyone doing with the quarantine?

You would think that just being home and being bored would make me want to post on here more often but that is not the case. I have been having a little bit of a writers block, or maybe nothing is going on in my life at the moment.

Since my last post I have started doing school from home as the rest of the country has. It has been really interesting how everything is happening. Its kind of a work in progress.

I have stopped applying to all jobs. Last week I was flooded with emails of places where I had applied to saying that the job that they had posted was being canceled do to what’s going on in the world. So with that I kind of stopped all together, for now I just have to really budget and hope that my credit cards don’t suffer as much in the end. I know I’m not the only one being affected by all this but I didn’t even have a job to begin with.

I feel really unhealthy too, they’ve shut down my gym. I have been eating really bad too so that doesn’t add any good to it. I kind of lost a little bit of hope in everything if I’m being honest. But I take it day by day, and I’m hanging in there, just like everyone else.

10 Pounds L[f]at[t]er

It’s crazy how you can gain weight so fast. Like what’s up with that? Who made this dumb rule, I don’t like it and it needs to be changed as soon as possible.

I worked so hard to get to the weight I wanted to be at, which is really generous for myself, to come back to being the same as when I started.

In just two weeks I manage to gain 10 pounds. Last week was thanksgiving. You mean to tell me that I should refrain from eating all that delicious food? Nope, not I. I probably ate more than I should have, yes, I won’t lie there.

Plus the rest of the days my boyfriend and I ate out aggressively. Snacks at home like we’re 12 also.

This week was no different. I was a little bit under the weather so I didn’t go to the gym. To add on to the it rained so I stayed in bed watching Disney +.

And if you’re in bed, sick, watching Disney movies, of course you’re going to need snacks and hot chocolate.

Now I’m back at the gym, and I made the mistake of getting in the scale and seeing that I’m back to where I started a month ago, if not worse.

I need to stop compulsive eating. I think that’s my issue. But food is just too good to quit.

How do people become health nuts? Or vegans? What demonic presence do they sell their soul to in order to be that thin? Because I swear there can’t be any other way. This whole losing weight is demonic, I swear.

School/Gym

September is here and this week has already gone by so fast.

 

So, I started school at the begging of the week. Its been nice so far I don’t have any complaints. (I know that I will so stay tuned for those).

The classroom that I am in isn’t filled with a lot of students, which is good. That way the teacher can focus with less of us and spend more time individually with us if she needs to. Speaking of a teacher, I love mine. I am so glad the one that I got is one that cares for her students and wants the best for us. She said that if we go home without even one of us not learning something that day then she feels as if she didn’t do her job correctly as a teacher. That makes me feel like she really cares about getting through to us.

My classmates are pretty nice so far. I haven’t had any conflict with them so we will see how long that lasts (lol). Funny thing, I’m the only guy in the class, which I was concerned with at the beginning but now I have grown to like it.

I know some basic skills that I picked up at my last job. Its crazy, who would have thought that what I leaned at that job was actually going to stay with me till now and possibly the future? Because of that I am, and I’m not bragging, the best in the class so far. I find myself helping my peers around me with what they don’t understand. I don’t mind. It keeps me from forgetting the steps and what not.

As far as I can tell, I really enjoy that class, the teacher, and everyone else in the class. I think that if it keeps going like this it will be an easy ride to the finish line. But I know that it is too soon to tell.

In other news, I got a gym member ship. I know, way to throw that news right out there. I never thought that I would go back but my shins and my knees have been hurting so bad that I decided I needed new form of exercise other than just running. I looked into two gyms and went for the one that would give me a student discount. Ultimately, its a good gym, I say even though I’ve only been there once.

That’s been my week so far. I hope it stays this productive.

My Life Starts Now

Yesterday, I went to the mall with one of my good friends. I was actually really concerned for everyone’s safety. As I was walking around I got a glimpse of myself in one of those mirrors they have on those poles. I audibly gasped. My man boobs were sticking out like concealed weapons. I was shocked I hadn’t physically stabbed some ones eye out with my cones of flesh popping out from under my shirt. Some one should have stopped me, my friend should have told me something! Clearly the shirt that I was wearing was not flattering at all.

I’m not one to go to the mall in the first place, I don’t understand why society thinks that its ok to make a shirt, slap a brand on it, and sell it for an outrageous amount of money, when you can clearly buy the same one or the same pair of jeans for way less with out the brand name. But, I am glad I did go because it gave me the opportunity to actually get a good look at what I have become. So when my friend asked if I wanted to go with him I said sure, I haven’t gone in months, so I went to remind myself why it is that I don’t actually like to go in the first place. I know, my mind is a tricky place.

Lets talk a little about the pictures you just saw. One is a hot, sexy, confident, young man. The other is some one who stress eats all his problems and emotions. And don’t try to tell me other wise, because NO.

In the picture on the left I was at my all time best. That was the summer of last year. The picture on the right is me now, today, about 20 minutes ago. I used to weigh 185, which is exactly what I am supposed to weigh for my age and height. Now I weigh 215. Not really much over weight, just 30 pounds. Well, still a lot, but you get me. Its all located in my gut, breasteses, and my double chins. So, what happened?

Life happened. I went to the gym more than I went to church back then. I wasn’t the lifting weights type of person which is why I don’t look buff. The elliptical was my lover. I loved that hoe. I have week knees so the treadmill always killed me. Back to the subject, I used to go to the gym but then I stopped once my mom was going to get her reconstruction surgery after surviving breast cancer. A little before that I noticed I started eating more and more. Then when her surgery came through I stopped going completely.

She was out for a whole month. I took a month or so off work to take care of her. It took a toll on me, and honestly I got conformable with myself. I told myself that when she was all better I would go back to my regular routine and I would lose all the weight that I would have gained. That didn’t go as planned. I started this friendship with a girl from church and then it turned into something else. I was so stressed. My moms surgery, work, the girl, and other things were all on my back. I looked for help and comfort and I found it in hot greasy carne assada fries. (If you don’t know what that is, we need to hang out ASAP).

But today I woke up with hope. I woke up feeling some thing that I haven’t felt in a while. I need to take care of myself. I haven’t been. For the longest time I have been taking care of everyone else. I have been the person that they want me to be because I didn’t want to disappoint them. In reality, who are they? Who really are they? They made me feel terrible. Terrible enough that I couldn’t control what and how much I put in my mouth. Not intentionally, but I still let them.

Well that’s over. I’ts time I take back what is rightfully mine. My life. And I need to put this out there and on here to keep myself in check. If I never say it, I’ll never do it. I’ll check back at and see where my progress is at.

My life starts NOW.

Quit The Gym

What would you do to have the best body ever? How much time would you be willing to invest to have the greatest body you could ever have? How much money would you be willing to spend to get that body?

No, this isn’t an ad for something and I’m not selling any pills that will magically make you into that cover girl or get you that surfer dude’s body. These are just some of the questions I asked myself before I decided to quit the gym.

Yes, I quit the gym. I know in previous posts I was so eager to go back and be hit the gym hard and get toned and back into shape. But the thing is, I wasn’t going to do it for myself.

See, all my life I’ve wanted to be someone else. In the sense that I’ve always wanted to be more social, more out there, louder, and more confident. And this summer that was who I was. But where was all of that coming from? Where was my confidence coming from? From my body.

I thought that by looking good, people were generally going to accept me, and I live off of being accepted. Plus in my mind I always considered myself as fat. I’m not fat or obese. I’m only fifteen pounds over what I should actually weigh. And that’s not entirely bad.

This society made me think that in order to be accepted I have to be a certain size or shape. Even weight! I always felt that people would look at me like I was different, even to the point of thinking they would see me as ugly and detestable.

And a part of me, the very superficial part of me, thought that by having a good body I was going to be able to get the sexual attention I wanted. And I’m not going to lie, I got it. It was fun. It was great. But it wasn’t for me. The people who would be with me only wanted to be with me because they liked what they saw, and that’s not bad, but that’s all they saw. They never saw me. They didn’t want to get to know me. They just wanted my body. *insert what everyone is thinking here* (Get over yourself will you).

But I came to a conclusion the other day. My body should not be the reason I have friends, or relationships, or even where my confidence should come from. I am so much more than my body. So what if I gained a little weight? We all go through a rough patch with our bodies. I love food to much to say no to it.

On the other hand, I’m not saying I’m going to be consuming calories like the government consumes your taxes. No. Running is one of the most anti stress tools that I have ever found to help me. And I’ve always enjoyed it.

Do I need a gym for it? No there are parks. Do I need to pay for them? No, the government already takes my money to keep them nice and pretty. Will I be going crazy trying to get that Calvin Klein looking body? No, for once in my life I’m content with my body. And for once in my life I don’t need to be accepted by anyone to be happy. Because happiness does not come form other people. Or the acceptance of them. If they don’t like you why be around them? Happiness doesn’t come from them. It comes from within. I dare you to go find it.