Life/Voice

Where are you taking me?

I know I can’t ask much from you, though I have never really asked for much in the first place.

I feel like right now I am in a state between knowing what I have to do and not knowing at all what I should do.

I feel as if I am swimming. At one point it feels as though I am moving along with the water and it feels free and liberating, I almost make no movement while I float on and let the waves carry me where ever they want. But then once I notice, the waves are only taking me to sharp rocks with thousand feet water falls filled with sharks at the bottom ready to devour what ever drops down, that’s when I know I have been tricked.

I know that geographically speaking this is impossible, but its possible in my head. It happens. If I swim against the current I get weak and my body aches, my head starts throbbing and I can barely breathe. Why do I even try? I ask myself, but I do not respond.

Is it that I do not even want to talk to myself? Or is it that at this point there is no sense in speaking to my inner conscience? Has he given in to what life has thrown at him? Settled for less than what he wanted? Gave up on the dream he once had? Is he fading away into the vast darkness he was once running away from?

What do I tell him when he asks why he should keep swimming, when I myself do not have the answer? Should I lie? Should I make him believe in more lies just to keep him going? Because without him, then who am I? We need each other do we not? Or can one survive without that little voice in their head telling them right from wrong. Happy from sad. Everything and nothing.

The little voice in my head is fading, everyday it gets more faint than the day before. Should I be happy? Should I be sad? I tried asking him, but again he did not reply.

Writing A Book

I’m going to be writing a book.

I just want to put that out there. (Universe are you listening?). I’m doing it for myself and maybe it will help others out too. Who knows?

My all time dream is to become a writer. The thing is, I never actually knew what to write about. There are so many different forms of writing out there, so many different types of genres. Not to mention that there are millions of people that also want to be writers and authors. They want their voice to be heard.

I don’t even know where to start. How does one write a book? I need to research. I need to find out how I want to tell my story. Why I want to tell my story. Then, tell my story.

There are so many ways one can do so. There are so many outlets. Here on this blog I’ve been the most honest I’ve ever been to anyone. In my book I want to do the same.

Although I’m excited about this, I’m not going to rush it. I know a simple book can be written in about three months. But I want my book to be authentic. I want it to be accurate. Truthful. I need to get a good editor, but that’s until the end. I’m getting ahead of myself. It might take months maybe a year or so, but that’s ok.

This is a new start for me. A new journey. I’m excited but scared. I like change. It’s nerve racking but I love a good thrill.

Online Interview

I have been MIA for what seems like a while now. Its so weird to constantly be writing and then stop very abrupt and then come back, I hate that.

Its currently 12:27 AM on Sunday the Fifth, how is everyone? Probably asleep, but anyways, I was editing for what seemed to be hours and I figured I’d stop and take a moment to talk out how my interview went the other day. But, you know, I like to keep the suspense… lol.

 

Thursday, I had a second interview for a place I’d like to work at. Its not glamours or anything but it should pay the bills if I do end up getting it. It was a video interview (online).I have never actually been interviewed this way before, and I’ll let you know that it was much less intimidating than being interviewed in person.

I took a shower, put on my comfortable gym shorts, put on a white T, and then buttoned up a dress shirt that I felt was clean enough. All they were going to see was my upper body right? Well wrong, my laptop was so close to my face I don’t even think they saw my neck.

The interview itself went pretty smooth. The interviewer asked me those scenario questions that they always do. I tried my best to answer them as best (truthfully) as I could, but hey, I know my way around words when I really want something, is all I’m going to say.

Now the next step is to wait. I have to wait for an email saying if I meet the right qualifications and all that sort of thing. I really hope I get it. I was off Thursday and Friday because I had asked for them off to go on a trip with my mom and friend but it was later canceled, which was pretty good, because that way I was able to schedule the interview right away.

Later that day I got a text from a coworker who said that they had a company meeting and the General Manager told them that they should, “look for another job, before you get fired or let go.” I am no lawyer but isn’t that some sort of threat to your job? Your employer can’t do that right? It just sounds wrong, at least to me it does.

Either way I am so glad I am trying to get out of that place. Mark my words I had said that that place was eventually going to fall apart, and look, seems like its already starting to crumble.

I want to do the right thing though, if I get hired somewhere else, I want to give them a two weeks notice. Not for the company, but for my own reputation, you know what I mean? And also for closure, for me, and for my coworkers. I do not have a strong connection to any of them if I’m honest, but maybe they have one with me and I don’t want to hurt them by not saying goodbye.

Any who, that’s that, I need sleep, enjoy the rest of your day and I will enjoy my bed.


Watch my latest YouTube video 


 

I’m Going Crazy

Today I got the day off. I am freaking loving it. Well, actually I was. Yesterday I was wondering what I was going to do with all this free time. I was actually having a panic attack trying to find an answer. Did I find one? No. Still haven’t.

So I thought I’d come to my favorite Starbucks and edit one of my YouTube videos. Little did I know what I’d find.

Ok, so first, let me put this out there. Normal people make me uncomfortable. So picture this, a guy sitting at a table, talking to himself, randomly rapping, and then once in a while talking to a toy rabbit the size of a wallet. (Now he’s dancing).

I had to sit right in front of him didn’t I? I didn’t know what was going on. Well, so far he hasn’t done anything that would make me run for the hills, yet, all except for talk to himself. We all do that so don’t act like you don’t. It’s actually very therapeutic. I do it all the time, I just refrain from doing it in public.

Why am I writing about this? I have know clue. It’s whats going, I was going to write about how a friend is pissing me the hell off but we’ll save that juicy content for next post.

Back to our main content, so, I feel like I’m going crazy. I mean, don’t take this the wrong way, I’m not calling the dude in front of me crazy. I’m saying he might have been through some rough stuff that has made him the person he is today. Which is why I can relate.

Lately I haven’t been myself. Lets, be honest. I’ve kind of never been myself. I always filter myself. I filter myself a whole lot to be honest. Different filters for different people. Why? I have no clue it just comes subconsciously. Where am I going with this? I have no clue but stick with me.

I feel that I play a part in peoples life’s of who they want me to be. You know what I mean? Like I am never the main character. I’m the supporting character in everyone life. If I was killed of aka written off their show, the audience wouldn’t mind. Does it make sense now? Ok. And in doing so I have lost who I really am. Like, I play so many different roles that I lost the main character or the one I am actually meant to play in this life.

Its not being fake. I’m the biggest people pleaser you know. I will go out of my way to make you happy. My opinion will change to what ever you want to hear because that’s just the way it happens. Its not that I want to be fake like that, its that I lost my voice.

Rejection is my worst fear. It has swallowed me whole. All my life I have wanted be accepted. But the fact of the matter is that I am different. I have to learn how to accept that there will be times when people will not like what I have to say, there will be times when they will hate what I want to do, what I prefer to do, what I actually want to do.

I’m on an emotional roller coaster again. I can feel it. I can’t wait to get off.


Watch my latest YouTube video

YouTube

YouTube.

Should I do it or not? Also, sorry that I’ve been blogging so much I’m really being extra this week. I’ve been thinking about starting a channel on YouTube. Is it a good idea? Not sure. Do I want to do it? Yes. Will I do it? Not really sure either.

Ok, so I’ve always wanted to do a YouTube channel. I don’t know why, I think it’s fun, hilarious, and just silly. I talk to myself constantly, why not just put that out there? I’ve been blogging for a little over two years, is it time to transition into Vlogging? (For the people who are uncultured, that means recording myself while talking about literally nothing that is beneficial to absolutely no one).

I love writing, don’t get me wrong, but somethings you just have random thoughts that you just blurt out and don’t even have a chance to write down. My thoughts happen to fast, faster then my fingers can type. And sometimes I say really weird and random things that make me laugh.

Let’s talk logistics here. I know it’s a lot of work. The filming, the editing, and all the stuff I have yet to learn and comprehend. For now, I’ll film in my iPhone, it’s pretty decent. But let’s be real, I’m not going to go out and buy an expensive camera and then all the sudden this thing doesn’t work out, no, gotta start small. For editing software I have this coworker who can hook me up with some really good stuff if I ask him. He’s kind of a nerd for that stuff.

My content? Well I’m glad you asked. One of my friends that I told actually did ask though. I’m not a beauty guru or any DIY smarty pants, so definitely not going to do that. I just want to vlog, all I want to do really is talk. Talk about what’s going on, my life, anything in general. That’s fun right? You’d watch? Probably not. I don’t really know of this is a good idea or if it’s just me living right now in the moment and someone just needs to stop me before it all falls apart but I’m actually very excited for this, like I’m living for this right now. And we’ll see how that goes.

2

I am no professional blogger. I’m not even a professional writer. Sometimes I miss spell words or either do not use the correct ones. I hope everyone understands what I try to say though. Although writing and reading are my most favorite things to do that doesn’t mean I’m good at them.

Two weeks ago marked two years I’ve had this blog. Two years I’ve been writing and spilling all my feelings for everyone on the internet to see. Two years that I’ve had ups and downs and written about them. My good days and bad days. All my flings and romances and even current relationships. Everything. The best way to get to know the real me would be reading my blog.

This post also marks my 200th post. For me that’s a huge milestone. But also, just to think that I’ve written that many posts, or in general said so many things, so many words and letters. It’s like an accomplishment. I’ve tried having a blog before and it never worked out. But this time, for some reason, I’ve been here.

I was going to write a post about what I’ve learned from blogging or of blogging. But, if I’m honest here, I haven’t learned much. I don’t see this place as a place to get views or followers. Sure having people that will read what you right is great! But that’s not why I do what I do. I’ve learned more about myself on this blog and I have to give thanks to it for that.

For example, I’ve learned that I’m a person who likes to express their feelings. And it’s totally fine! If you don’t express yourself, this feelings get bottled up and will eventually burst out, and sometimes you can’t control or handle the way they do. And maybe you knew that, but I didn’t.

Another thing that’s been really close to my heart that I’ve learned from this blog is that there are people out there that feel the same way as I do. Sure, you knew that , but I didn’t. We live life really blinded thinking that our situation is the only one on the planet. That’s not true, maybe there are people else where going through something that is similar to you. I’ve learned that through my readers comments and I appreciate every single one. Thank you.

I honestly do wish I would have started this blog way long ago. It would have helped me in so many ways. But I’m very great full I have it now.

Busy New Things

I finally took it upon myself to start my writing blog. It’s amazing how long I have procrastinated on actually writing anything in that blog. I created that blog maybe more than a year ago, and the other day I barely wrote my first post. It was more of an introduction post, but nonetheless it was a post and a first step is a first step no matter how big or small it is.

I am excited to write. Of course, I’m not a college grad or in college to say the least, but I do have a dream. So for the moment I want to practice with my imagination, which is mainly why I created the writing blog. To practice. Since my writing skills aren’t not at its best don’t expect anything that is mind blowing, or do? Who knows, maybe I’ll write something that is actually semi good. In the mean time, I’ll be here, writing.


Tomorrow is my first day back to work form my almost four week family leave. I know I will be asked so many questions regarding my absence. I’ll also have to be updated on any new things that may have changed while I was gone. It will be hectic, maybe even a little stressful, but I know I will be able to hang in there.

The thing is getting back to a normal routine. Getting back to the rhythm of things is always hard. I know this for a fact. I’ve been eating without limits, going to bed at random hours, and relaxing at home with no worries. But all this will change now that I am forced to be somewhere for eight hours a day five days a week.

Also happening tomorrow, my mom will be seeing her doctor to check up on her post surgery. She’s doing so much better and manages to get around. I’m so glad I was here to help her through everything and more than happy she is doing better and content with how the surgery went.

There’s no doubt that the end of this October will be full of new surprises and busy and new things .

You And Me

I thought of you today

Did you think of me?

The way your hair smells

The way you hold me

Laughter over music

Food over day dreams

Love so pure

Hands so soft

You and me

I miss your face

I miss you every day

Are you on your way?

Here to stay?

Take me there

Together well roam

Far away

We’ll build our home

You and me

I wake up

Foggy but still

Thinking of you

You’re not here

Empty bed

Lonely thoughts

Here I go

On my own

You and me

There is no more

Only in my brain

Have you stayed

Walked out the door

You were fake

It wasn’t fate

Just my imagination

What a conclusion

You and me

Awards, Drama, And Friendship

Today was a weird day. Woke up at 2:30 in the morning for a run like I have been doing. Since I go in at four AM I have to wake up early to run (because #fitfam LoL ew). Soon that will stop though, once i start going in at six again. Anyway, work was super easy. It was Friday and I just wanted to be done. But then they told us we had to work tomorrow, which should have bothered me seeing as it's the weekend and I have a life and by life I mean pending shows to watch on Netflix but it actually didn't. 

There was a town hall meeting and they told us that the contract was renewed. So us (the distributors) will still be working for the client of the product we are distributing. Not sure if that makes sense, well in short, I have a job for at least another year. But I hope I'm working somewhere new maybe writing.

At that "meeting" I received two awards. One for attendance and another is for Outstanding Inventory Partner. It felt good to be recognized. Sometimes you do your work and feel so disconnected and forget there are actually people observing how hard you work. Hard work pays off.

No raise though which sucks. 

After work I had an interview at a fast food restaurant but like the true me that I am, I didn't go. Anxiety got the best of me once again. It's cool though instead of putting myself down I just have to work on it. Practice. I know one day I will be outgoing and have a lot to say but until then I can be me in my little shell all I want. 

Oh, I almost forgot, so speaking of work. Our inventory manager quit right out of the blue and good thing she did I hated hat bitch. Apparently she texted my lead yesterday saying she wasn't going to come in today because the "new employer" wanted her to start working today. So she left my lead in charge. That's crazy though who quits like that? Like, on hey, just letting you know I'm not going to go to work today, I have a new job. I just find that so hysterical. So now we don't have a supervisor or a manager. I really want my lead to take her spot. That way I can move up to lead. Then I'll get a pay raise. Hallelujah.

Any takers?

Also, one of my friends is heading to Mexico for the weekend. And get this, since we have a streak on Snapchat (it's like a fire flame thing that counts how many continuous days you snap chat a person) he didn't want to ruin it. So he gave me his login. So I can snap chat myself as him and not lose the streak! To you it may sound like cheating but to me that's friendship. That like made our friendship points go through the roof. True friend. Don't know many people that would do that honestly. I just think it's super cool. Like, would your friend just lend you their logins to their social media accounts?

Now to bed because I have to work mañana.