Birthday Blues

Yesterday was my 26th Birthday. Naturally I woke up crying, as the emotionally out of control person that I am, and honestly it felt good.

I didn’t think the day would be any good if I am honest. And even though nothing really surprising happened it went well for a COVID Birthday. Is that a thing? I guess it will be this year.

I arrived at work very melodramatic, it didn’t help that the sky was an awful gray. Usually I like days like that but not when I’m feeling sentimental. My boss had decorated my office space by making a mess with blue party strings all over the place. I have to admit this won my heart over in one second. I really was not expecting anything what so ever from them. I mean they like me but I didn’t think they would go out of their way to do that, which was nice. They got me cake and also bought me lunch for the day, oh and a gift card as well.

Since I didn’t actually do anything on the actual day (party wise) I decided to reminisce and look back at past years and what I have done. Technically out of the 26 years I have been alive I have only celebrated 2 years, not counting yesterday. It’s kind of sad but on the other hand, I have a lot of celebration to make up for.

My friends were more than sweet wishing me great things that I wish would happen not only to me but to the rest of the world. My boyfriend got me some roses and a corgi stuffed animal since he knows I am obsessed with them, along with a lot of chocolates.

It was a cute day, and it did make me feel a little better. Actually it made me feel great, I wonder if that’s good or if I need to work on my ego. I wouldn’t say ego though, It’s more of the attention of love and acceptance. I don’t know that’s for another post.

Anyways I had a good time doing nothing and just being alive and looking back at good memories. It sucks that my friends and I couldn’t all get together and do something but there is always next year.

Now, I can’t wait until this weekend when I go to the beach. It may not be the same as past years, but I’ll be there with my boyfriend and I know it will be fun.

A Letter To My Past Lovers

I was thinking about moving on with my life. In order to do so I have to say goodbye to what once was and be great full that I went through it and take with me what I have learned. I know that sounds super cheesy, but it is what it is. Basically its just Ariana Grande’s song Thank You, Next, in written in a letter.

 

Dear past Lovers,

I wanted to take some time to talk to you. To let you know, that I am who I am in part, because of you. A lot of people can say that who they date or love does not influence the person that they are. They say that they are still true to themselves. I believe that, to a certain extent. We are all influenced, some more than others. I learned a lot from all of you, and I want you to know.

My first lover, my very first lover. I never thought I would have anyone else after you. I remember I wanted you so bad. Why? Because I was influenced by others that I had to? Maybe. But in the end, I really did love you. When it was over I cried so much. I saw the end coming for the longest time but yet still hoped we would make it through, but we didn’t. We’re not even friends anymore, we lost touch, but I’m thinking that it was for the best. I learned so much thanks to you. I learned that someone can love me. It’s possible. Thanks to you. I learned that distance is a cruel enemy and it can’t be trusted.

To my other lovers, I never really cared for you. I need to say that. If I did maybe I would have stayed. Or maybe I have commitment issues, but that’s for another day. I did like all of you. I really did. I tried my best to be happy. But thanks to you time after time I have learned that, happiness does not come from having someone by your side. It does not come from being someone else’s. It comes from your own being, and then after , only after, you share that with the person you love.

Lovers, you have also taught me how far I am willing to go for what I feel love is. I always wanted to be loved, but I never really loved myself. You have taught me to love myself before someone else. How can some one be loved if they do not love themselves?

My last almost lover, you are the one that has taught me the most, but at the same time the one who has left me the most confused. Before you, I thought I knew who I was. Before you I thought I had it all figured out, I never thought I would go in the direction you took me. It left me messed up, dazed, confused. I would do it all over again. Without a doubt. I almost loved you. Almost. I was falling hard. But before I hit the ground I caught myself, picked myself up, and I walked away. I couldn’t take it. You taught me a lot. You showed me how controlling I can be, how needy I am. And before, that would have terrified me, but now, I accept that.

To all of you, thank you for being in my life. I really enjoyed the time we spent with each other. To be completely honest, if I had the chance to do everything all over again, I would. But I wouldn’t change that many things. Maybe some, but I would still want you in my life, at least for that very brief of a second that you were.

 

With much love,

Peter.

What I Wanted Was Love

When I was seventeen years old I had a huge crush on a girl. At the time it didn’t make any sense. I was confused, unsure of my sexuality and I had internal demons I was fighting apart from everything.

So I thought to myself, how it’s it that I am gay, but at the same time want to spend all my time with this girl? Talk to her, make her laugh, feel her body warmth near me?

Was it because I was not in fact gay? Was it just in my head? A “straight” phase? Was I trying to convince myself that I wasn’t actually what I thought I was? I remember when she would hang out with other boys, my head would boil. How were they more important than me? Who she talked to on a daily?

The first night I kissed her it was amazing. It was actually the first time I had kissed anyone. And of course we didn’t know what we were doing with it being our first time, but I enjoyed it. I was so filled with joy at the thought of thinking I wasn’t actually gay, because at the time I didn’t want to be.

I moved away and we somehow got distant. We soon broke it off. I was still on the mentality that I was gay. I cried for several days when we did end things. I did love her. I believed that I was gay because I followed the gay stereotype. I liked this and that, ok then I guess I’m gay.

As the years progressed I found myself having sexual relationships with men. It was good I’m not going to lie, no one on earth can say that any sexual act that is welcomed isn’t good. But at the end I felt guilty. Dirty even sometimes. Many times during sex I wished it would stop.

I have never been in love with a man. What I had fallen for before was just the thought if someone caring for me. Someone who could protect me from the dangers of life. But I became my own protected and this year is when I found out.

I’ll be candid for a second, once I saw myself as the person I am. I stopped craving a mans touch. Even just being with a man in the first place. And if I did, I wanted to be the dominant one. And I was many times. But soon even that wasn’t what I actually wanted. What I wanted was love. No hot steamy sex. Just plain simple love.

Did I find it? I’m not certain. I did meet a wonderful girl who takes my breathe away every day. Every time we talk it’s like we’ve known each other for ever. We have the same interests, the same dislikes, and even the same goals.

So am I gay? Straight? Pansexual? Can I just love someone for who they are regardless of their gender without being pointed at?

I told a friend about this girl I like last week. Her response was “no, you’re gay. You’ve been gay and you’ll always be gay.”

Is my sexual orientation Solemnly calculated with evidence from my past? Life changes, life changes us, we change as people, and along with that so do our desires.

I’m not saying I’m straight, sure I’m attracted to guys I will never deny that. But when I picture my future I always imagine it with a girl. And I’ve only had actually feelings for girls. I’ve only been in love with girls.

So what am I? I do not know. All that I know is that I just want to live my life, without people putting labels on things.

I Will Be Heartbroken

My stomach is rumbling, and it’s not gas, it’s just full of emotions.

Today my boss did not come to work and neither will she be in tomorrow. She took today and tomorrow off to take care of some things. I have been in my position for a little under two weeks and I still don’t know half of what I should. That is only because there is so much to learn, and I will not be able to learn it in such a short period of time, but I’m getting there slowly.

The only thing that is kind of making me nervous is the Manager meeting that I will sit in to give the numbers for our department. I am not as nervous as I thought I would be which is good. But at the same time, I wouldn’t like to mess up in front of the big bosses.

Yesterday I spent some time with two of my friends. We went to Starbucks and gossip about our love lives and what not. One of them is going to Europe. She’s is going to be in Spain, there she will visit Madrid and Barcelona. And yes, I am very jealous, Spain is one of my favorite places, even though I have yet to visit. She says she thinks she’s in a relationship but her and her boo have not yet talked about it. I’m happy for her.

My other friend just came back from the Anime Expo in Los Angles. She brought me back a pin from the Death Note. I love that anime. I’m not that into anime but I do watch some here and there. She also told us about her dating life. She recently broke up with her boyfriend of six years. She’s not ready to get into a relationship yet, she said she just wants to date and have fun.

As for me, well I told them that I fell for yet another guy who will end up breaking my heart. It’s not his fault though. He straight up told me that he was leaving, because of work. I was the one who said who cares let’s enjoy this while it lasts. And honestly, as the days go by and we keep in contact I’m already starting to see how hard it’s going to be to see him go. I will be heartbroken to say the least.

I have a friend that went to visit where he mother came from. There she fell in love with some guy and she didn’t come back for a long time, almost a year. All of our friends told her she was stupid for doing so. I must confess that I also took part in telling her she was dumb for falling for someone who is in another country.

She came back and they broke up. One year later she had to go back to fix some issues her family was having with their properties over there, and guess what happened? Yup, she’s still over there. But, now that I am in this situation I had to call her and tell her that I finally understood why. Why she would do such a thing as to fall in love with someone who she isn’t supposed to. Or was she?

Was I? I want to think that it’s just infatuation. That when he leaves the feeling of wanting to be near him will vanish. That the feeling of wanting to talk to him every second I breath will evaporate. That the image of his smile and beautiful eyes will disappear from my brain. That his laugh will no longer ring in my ears and the sound of his beating heart won’t be there anymore.

I am in too deep now.